(no subject)
despite the fact that everyone was in bed by 2:30, i know i threw a good party tonight. and i was happy for most of it. but something stupid happened half way through that pissed me off for no reason, which led me to get upset for no reason, which led to introspective annie. and i don't even know what's wrong. i left the party twice. the first time, i sat on danielle's stairs, and i think i would've sat there for at least an hour, but jim came home and i didn't want him to walk in the house to not find me there. the second time, i went for a walk up and down the street a couple times while i talked on the phone with takeo. he was the only person i felt like talking to when i went through my phone. is that sad? i almost called danielle, even though she was at the party. i was just gonna leave her a message, but i decided against it. i know a few people knew i was upset, but i don't know...i kind of felt alone, which made me want to push them away. which is how i feel a lot. which made me not want to be me. sometimes, i need someone who's been there. i know that longevity has nothing to do with how strong a friendship is, but sometimes i need someone who's been there always. who saw me at my best and my worst. i wish you were there tonight. i know you don't even know i'm talking about you. but there was a point where you would've known. and i think that's what hurts the most. i wish you were there, too. and i wish i was right. i'm mad at someone at the moment. and maybe i shouldn't. but maybe i should. i think i should, but i hate being mad at this person. sometimes i wonder and then i get scared because that makes me wonder about everything else, and then i get confused and i end up pushing people away. sometimes i push people away because i don't think they really care. i hate that i'm a bitch like that because i know that my friends care about me. i got help tonight, though. always through a song. and this time through a person, too. but the song helped the most. and i would'nt even have thought to put it on. but i'm glad. i hate that i just wrote this because i really did have fun tonight and i'm more happy that everyone else had fun. i guess it's just hard sometimes.