Creative cross-fire
In the past few months, I have done a lot of reading... well, a lot of reading for a busy mom. I suppose I could say "a lot of reading" and refer to the Henry and Mudge series or catch you up on those didactic Bernstein Bears. No, but much of my free time I've spent in a book the last months. I recently finished Rebecca by Daphne du Maurier and it was a fabulous read: http://catalog.kcls.org/opac/en-US/skin/kcls/xml/rdetail.xml?r=452481&t=Daphne%20du%20Maurier&tp=author&d=0&o=40&hc=79&rt=author du Maurier is an incredibly skilled writer with a way of describing landscaping that allows for clever foreboding and realizations about the motives of her characters. I never knew the azaleas could be painted in delicate language while subtly letting me in on the motives of the late Rebecca. The story is engaging and surprising. To the very end of the book, I could not predict the next turn of the plot.
There were also many notable quotes from the book, one of which feels particularly relevant this evening:
"I suppose sooner or later in the life of everyone comes a moment of trial. We all of us have our particular devil who rides us and torments us, and we must give battle in the end."
- Daphne du Maurier (Rebecca)
At the end of a book, I so often cannot help myself from sprinting forward, losing sleep and succumbing to a burning need to know what happens next... And then I am cast out from this imaginary world as I close the binding and find myself back on earth, no longer obsessed and with a page to turn. I oscillate between feeling satisfied, fantasizing scenes about the book or pondering the characters and restless, naked anxiety that has me pace the kitchen in a free moment instead of reaching for my book. How quickly a book can become my foundation of peace!
Which is to say, I'm restless.
"If only there could be an invention that bottled up a memory, like scent. And it never faded, and it never got stale. And then, when one wanted it, the bottle could be uncorked, and it would be like living the moment all over again."
- Daphne du Maurier (Rebecca)
Perhaps I know school will start for me on Monday and that the holidays have finished, so its a convenient time to feel creatively frustrated. I've not worked on art much at all in the past six months. There is something escapist about book-passion. Art feels less indulgent, more raw and necessary. I feel a painful lack of time to dedicate to art projects, but then I will go snowshoe tomorrow so surely that can't be the whole of the picture. Maybe I just feel the pressure of New Year resolutions to pick at myself.
"Sometimes it’s a sort of indulgence to think the worst of ourselves. We say, ‘Now I have reached the bottom of the pit, now I can fall no further,’ and it is almost a pleasure to wallow in the darkness. The trouble is, it’s not true. There is no end to the evil in ourselves, just as there is no end to the good. It’s a matter of choice. We struggle to climb, or we struggle to fall. The thing is to discover which way we’re going."
- Daphne du Maurier
In some ways my restlessness feels like a dirty trick- just as I begin to dedicate myself to a class again, I will miss reading. If I draw, I will be concerned I did not work on school. It's amazing how inflexible the mind can be.
"Boredom is a pleasing antidote for fear"
- Daphne du Maurier
Restless, bored and not entirely sure where to make meaning as my preschooler becomes an elementary school boy and the definitions of self keep shifting.
There were also many notable quotes from the book, one of which feels particularly relevant this evening:
"I suppose sooner or later in the life of everyone comes a moment of trial. We all of us have our particular devil who rides us and torments us, and we must give battle in the end."
- Daphne du Maurier (Rebecca)
At the end of a book, I so often cannot help myself from sprinting forward, losing sleep and succumbing to a burning need to know what happens next... And then I am cast out from this imaginary world as I close the binding and find myself back on earth, no longer obsessed and with a page to turn. I oscillate between feeling satisfied, fantasizing scenes about the book or pondering the characters and restless, naked anxiety that has me pace the kitchen in a free moment instead of reaching for my book. How quickly a book can become my foundation of peace!
Which is to say, I'm restless.
"If only there could be an invention that bottled up a memory, like scent. And it never faded, and it never got stale. And then, when one wanted it, the bottle could be uncorked, and it would be like living the moment all over again."
- Daphne du Maurier (Rebecca)
Perhaps I know school will start for me on Monday and that the holidays have finished, so its a convenient time to feel creatively frustrated. I've not worked on art much at all in the past six months. There is something escapist about book-passion. Art feels less indulgent, more raw and necessary. I feel a painful lack of time to dedicate to art projects, but then I will go snowshoe tomorrow so surely that can't be the whole of the picture. Maybe I just feel the pressure of New Year resolutions to pick at myself.
"Sometimes it’s a sort of indulgence to think the worst of ourselves. We say, ‘Now I have reached the bottom of the pit, now I can fall no further,’ and it is almost a pleasure to wallow in the darkness. The trouble is, it’s not true. There is no end to the evil in ourselves, just as there is no end to the good. It’s a matter of choice. We struggle to climb, or we struggle to fall. The thing is to discover which way we’re going."
- Daphne du Maurier
In some ways my restlessness feels like a dirty trick- just as I begin to dedicate myself to a class again, I will miss reading. If I draw, I will be concerned I did not work on school. It's amazing how inflexible the mind can be.
"Boredom is a pleasing antidote for fear"
- Daphne du Maurier
Restless, bored and not entirely sure where to make meaning as my preschooler becomes an elementary school boy and the definitions of self keep shifting.