What day is it?!
Dear Finn,
Today was a beautiful day. We played in the pool with Kelly, Avery and Norah and you told me that you would rather I called you "pumpkin" as a term of endearment. We visited the doctor because your stomach continues to bother you and she conferred with my assessment that we need to start a gluten-free diet (which we started 24 hours ago and already are seeing results) and all I can do is hope. I hope that your stomach improves. I hope that as an adult you will be happy. I hope with the one million choices presented to me regarding elementary school, that I made the right one for you. While Daddy is busy at work arguing with people about the future security of Windows, I'm at home stressing about how to make relationships (yours AND mine) work with the little time I have. I will be frank. It's not what I expected, but I love it more and more as we resolve our fights over whether or not I can call the dragon "Oliver". As your teacher said today, you have a big personality and are a leader. This is fabulous, but it can sometimes lead to conflict. To be clear, I would not want you any other way, but you are so very clear with me and the ENTIRE WORLD what you want and how you feel at every moment. Thus, the drama has ensued that we must take a break from another friend of yours at school because you are feeling the need for space and have resorted to physical force as a means of communication. Oh pacifist mama, oh me that cowers at personal conflict is finding all of her sturdy parts and trying to find the healthiest life for us all.
I always thought I would go back to work when you started preschool, but I've actually stopped working part-time for the first time consistently over the last year. I juggle taking some credits to apply for a Masters (that I'm not even sure that I want) and otherwise miss my free time to indulge my art projects, my writing, my reading... and I was so proud of myself that I got out to see Avatar. I am so out of touch with pop culture. It's not that I resent you-not in the least, pumpkin, it's just that I am emerging... yes, I think the sentence ends well there. I don't know where I am at now, but I know I'm doing my best and I have far too many interests for my own good. I love the way you smell- your hair when you've just fallen asleep. I also love the way the sweaty weight room feels and my worlds are trying to find a harmony with each other.
My steroid injection is starting to wear off of my right hip and they say it needs to be replaced. I've come to accept this as my future, but I haven't given up on my goal to reach 40 before they make me a bionic woman (wait, if I am part robot, will you love me more?!). Depression has been an evil monster that both shames and scares me, so much so that I stopped sharing anything about it here. What I can say is that ECT is amazing and I would do it again if my life was at risk, but I have to pull away and pull in every time I realize that I have lost a significant memory due to past treatments. I have a lot of hope for the medication I'm on now and I hope it continues to work for me for a long time. I quit therapy- a very controversial move-but some months later, I feel better not trying to find answers and just trusting and accepting myself for what I am.
Finneus- I am your mother and I love you.
Today was a beautiful day. We played in the pool with Kelly, Avery and Norah and you told me that you would rather I called you "pumpkin" as a term of endearment. We visited the doctor because your stomach continues to bother you and she conferred with my assessment that we need to start a gluten-free diet (which we started 24 hours ago and already are seeing results) and all I can do is hope. I hope that your stomach improves. I hope that as an adult you will be happy. I hope with the one million choices presented to me regarding elementary school, that I made the right one for you. While Daddy is busy at work arguing with people about the future security of Windows, I'm at home stressing about how to make relationships (yours AND mine) work with the little time I have. I will be frank. It's not what I expected, but I love it more and more as we resolve our fights over whether or not I can call the dragon "Oliver". As your teacher said today, you have a big personality and are a leader. This is fabulous, but it can sometimes lead to conflict. To be clear, I would not want you any other way, but you are so very clear with me and the ENTIRE WORLD what you want and how you feel at every moment. Thus, the drama has ensued that we must take a break from another friend of yours at school because you are feeling the need for space and have resorted to physical force as a means of communication. Oh pacifist mama, oh me that cowers at personal conflict is finding all of her sturdy parts and trying to find the healthiest life for us all.
I always thought I would go back to work when you started preschool, but I've actually stopped working part-time for the first time consistently over the last year. I juggle taking some credits to apply for a Masters (that I'm not even sure that I want) and otherwise miss my free time to indulge my art projects, my writing, my reading... and I was so proud of myself that I got out to see Avatar. I am so out of touch with pop culture. It's not that I resent you-not in the least, pumpkin, it's just that I am emerging... yes, I think the sentence ends well there. I don't know where I am at now, but I know I'm doing my best and I have far too many interests for my own good. I love the way you smell- your hair when you've just fallen asleep. I also love the way the sweaty weight room feels and my worlds are trying to find a harmony with each other.
My steroid injection is starting to wear off of my right hip and they say it needs to be replaced. I've come to accept this as my future, but I haven't given up on my goal to reach 40 before they make me a bionic woman (wait, if I am part robot, will you love me more?!). Depression has been an evil monster that both shames and scares me, so much so that I stopped sharing anything about it here. What I can say is that ECT is amazing and I would do it again if my life was at risk, but I have to pull away and pull in every time I realize that I have lost a significant memory due to past treatments. I have a lot of hope for the medication I'm on now and I hope it continues to work for me for a long time. I quit therapy- a very controversial move-but some months later, I feel better not trying to find answers and just trusting and accepting myself for what I am.
Finneus- I am your mother and I love you.