(no subject)
Dear Finneus,
Your grandparents will be on a plane early tomorrow morning back to Alabama. You had perhaps your best visit yet with them. We all love them so much despite the painful cultures that divide us. You were so in love with Poppy for every second you were able to spend with him. We took them to Remlinger Farm, had dinner with them and showed them your new preschool, which you start on Wednesday. However, the best time that you had was being with Poppy and playing rockets, race cars, dressing up and doing everything imaginative. You lived in a world of pretend with Timothy T. Tiger and rides on imaginary trains. He could not be a more perfect playmate for you. Today we went to the Museum of Flight and each cockpit that you got to sit in, you announced that you were flying to Alabama. The way you wrap your arms around Nana's legs; the way you believed that Poppy was coming back soon when he got into the rental car: I know how much you love them. I so wish for you that they lived close.
Then there is the difference of religions that I don't know how I will ever explain to you let alone mitigate as time passes. They are Jehovah's Witness and they are very devout. They do not accept, acknowledge or celebrate any holiday including birthdays. For entire month, your whole world revolved around your birthday. I tried to sanitize the house, but I missed the picture of us with your friends all dressed for Halloween from last year. There is no way to really tuck all the differences under the rug. At one point, your grandparents ex-communicated their son with their congregation by their side and turned their back on them. The future is unstated and their love for you is so profound. How do I protect you from the pain that could come when I don't know if it will actually happen or what the rules will be? The love is so sweet and innocent right now.
Today you also rode bikes with Mom and Dad while Nana and Poppy were out touristing our town. You helped me plant some new flowers in our pots and you played music with Eric. We had a lot of good times and you fell asleep fast. I stare at you while you sleep; I wonder what crosses your mind before you sleep. You have asked questions and also expressed fears about death lately. On so many levels three is an intense year as we experience the first pangs of separation, the first tastes of reality and learn to savor those who truly are committed to loving you.
I am committed to loving you, Finn. I may be very imperfect. I may not play like Poppy or have the most fascinating musical toys like Daddy. I know that sometimes you get so angry at me because you need to prove that you are a separate "human" like you remind me. I also know that the other day when you were hysterical at the top of the stairs because you couldn't walk down them yourself (like you have so, so many times) it was because you needed to be sure that we are still of one flesh.
I don't know how long we get to be this close, but I see our lives diverging and I can only hope that the people who truly do love you, like Nana and Poppy and so many others, truly hold on to you and you never have to be too afraid of this big world.
I love you, my sweet boy.
Your grandparents will be on a plane early tomorrow morning back to Alabama. You had perhaps your best visit yet with them. We all love them so much despite the painful cultures that divide us. You were so in love with Poppy for every second you were able to spend with him. We took them to Remlinger Farm, had dinner with them and showed them your new preschool, which you start on Wednesday. However, the best time that you had was being with Poppy and playing rockets, race cars, dressing up and doing everything imaginative. You lived in a world of pretend with Timothy T. Tiger and rides on imaginary trains. He could not be a more perfect playmate for you. Today we went to the Museum of Flight and each cockpit that you got to sit in, you announced that you were flying to Alabama. The way you wrap your arms around Nana's legs; the way you believed that Poppy was coming back soon when he got into the rental car: I know how much you love them. I so wish for you that they lived close.
Then there is the difference of religions that I don't know how I will ever explain to you let alone mitigate as time passes. They are Jehovah's Witness and they are very devout. They do not accept, acknowledge or celebrate any holiday including birthdays. For entire month, your whole world revolved around your birthday. I tried to sanitize the house, but I missed the picture of us with your friends all dressed for Halloween from last year. There is no way to really tuck all the differences under the rug. At one point, your grandparents ex-communicated their son with their congregation by their side and turned their back on them. The future is unstated and their love for you is so profound. How do I protect you from the pain that could come when I don't know if it will actually happen or what the rules will be? The love is so sweet and innocent right now.
Today you also rode bikes with Mom and Dad while Nana and Poppy were out touristing our town. You helped me plant some new flowers in our pots and you played music with Eric. We had a lot of good times and you fell asleep fast. I stare at you while you sleep; I wonder what crosses your mind before you sleep. You have asked questions and also expressed fears about death lately. On so many levels three is an intense year as we experience the first pangs of separation, the first tastes of reality and learn to savor those who truly are committed to loving you.
I am committed to loving you, Finn. I may be very imperfect. I may not play like Poppy or have the most fascinating musical toys like Daddy. I know that sometimes you get so angry at me because you need to prove that you are a separate "human" like you remind me. I also know that the other day when you were hysterical at the top of the stairs because you couldn't walk down them yourself (like you have so, so many times) it was because you needed to be sure that we are still of one flesh.
I don't know how long we get to be this close, but I see our lives diverging and I can only hope that the people who truly do love you, like Nana and Poppy and so many others, truly hold on to you and you never have to be too afraid of this big world.
I love you, my sweet boy.