(no subject)
From pretty much now 'til Sunday night, I'm going to be busy either going to school, working, filming, cleaning, or, of course, partying, heh, so I won't really be able to respond to all the comments right now, so I figured in place of that, at least for the weekend, to do an overview response post, because my God, I had no idea people would have such strong reactions to a couple sentences... I was just kind of spilling what I felt onto digital paper'; return true;" onmouseout="window.status=''; return true;">digital paper right then.
Okay, so - I was talking with a friend who has seen all of this and who knows me well, and she was trying to advise me about some things, all of which did make sense. One thing is that I wrote down an emotion - discontent - without also stating what positivity I feel here. My friend said, "They can't see you at 2 AM in downtown Seattle, saying how beautiful everything is," and it's true, just like I can't see the whole self of any of you without personally knowing you... Ever since I came back I've been slammed in the face with negative change; within my family'; return true;" onmouseout="window.status=''; return true;">my family everything's really fallen apart and is just now being sort of put back together, I lost someone who had been my best friend for nearly no tangible reason at all, other than change, and transitioning back has been/is bloody hard. And now that it's midwinter? Okay, kids, fall was hard. Fall was reckless and full of tasks and exhausting. Way too much of a lot of things. The holidays were... depressing, to say the least, as they normally are when a family is in crisis. And now, well, it's pretty much inevitable that I get depressed during midwinter. Seattle - clouds upon clouds upon clouds. All of that plus the things that I legitimately, truly dislike about America equals feeling as if I don't like the country. As my friend was saying, what about things like Planned Parenthood and a lack of war? Yes, I do understand, so please, everyone, just know that there's a whole lot more in my head than I wrote down in those last two entries. I know that there are some incredibly beautiful things about this country, some things that I should be more grateful for but am not most the time, when I'm not thinking about it, because it's commonplace and I have a bad case of "the grass is greener" complex, and all I feel is that this place, where I've lived my whole life, the suburb of Kenmore, makes me quite unhappy.
To reference my friend once more; we were talking about it, and the thought occured to me as well as her bringing it up, it's kind of like talking about highschool. Many people hate it, express that they hate everything about it, and really do feel at least some hate towards it. Well, same thing... There are some truly despicable things about highschool, that's why we see such horrendous crimes commited within them, that's why the depression rate is sky high. But - the fact is, you're getting a good education in a safe environment, at least safe from outside forces, though internally I can't say, and it gives one many chances to still graduate or to move up. Going to it everyday, it's understandable that the many negative things would overcome the overall good of it. So, let's just pretend I'm the jaded highschooler. Which I guess technically, I kind of am though thank God for Running Start. I'm unhappy in my position, thus projecting that unhappiness onto what I feel makes me unhappy. So, my distaste for America is real, but for sure, exaggerated in moments of discontent.
But a distaste is all it will be. Yes, I concede, it is my home and there's nothing I can do about it, heh. I'll always feel like pines and grey-white cloud and water mean home. Being with my friends, laughing or just talking or painting my room or singing in ridiculously bad voices, that's home. Crazy punkers and tragic hipsters and all the random, odd people you see walking down the street, they're all home to me too'; return true;" onmouseout="window.status=''; return true;">me too. Coffee in the middle of the night, dancing on Friday nights to drum & bass, working my ass off and coming back to my menagerie of animals, my grinning poodle, that's home.
In the movie L'auberge Espagnol, it's a pretty similar situation, I think... this guy goes to Spain from France on a yearlong exchange, and everything changes, and when he comes home, at least by the way they edited it, everything seems so... dull. It's all just part of the exchange student depression. Plus, there's one character in there who talks about his African identity versus his Spanish identity, if I remember correctly... Well, that's it. I have two homes. I have many identities. I fit both places. I love both places. And I'm torn. And I just want to escape here and go back, because of all I left behind, because of all there is that I have not yet discovered...
Anyway. So. I guess I just wanted to really get it all out so this wouldn't bother me, because really, this is Livejournal, and though it is, as my friend said, a good medium for communication, I still try not to let myself be bothered by online arguments or fights or anything along those lines. So. I can't really explain what I feel about Croatia. But I can explain that in my heart, I really do know both sides of the coin... That I just don't feel it all that often. And perhaps that just means there should be some changes made. But - I gotta go. Or I'm going to be late for school.
So off I go, and I'll try to be a little more positive, or at least not blame America entirely for the things that make me unhappy. And let's have that be the end of it, though I will try to respond to comments when I can.
Joj, ludilo. Sta se dogodilo? Mislila sam da sam samo rekla da hocu se vratit u Hrvatsku... :(. Heh.
Ciao.
Okay, so - I was talking with a friend who has seen all of this and who knows me well, and she was trying to advise me about some things, all of which did make sense. One thing is that I wrote down an emotion - discontent - without also stating what positivity I feel here. My friend said, "They can't see you at 2 AM in downtown Seattle, saying how beautiful everything is," and it's true, just like I can't see the whole self of any of you without personally knowing you... Ever since I came back I've been slammed in the face with negative change; within my family'; return true;" onmouseout="window.status=''; return true;">my family everything's really fallen apart and is just now being sort of put back together, I lost someone who had been my best friend for nearly no tangible reason at all, other than change, and transitioning back has been/is bloody hard. And now that it's midwinter? Okay, kids, fall was hard. Fall was reckless and full of tasks and exhausting. Way too much of a lot of things. The holidays were... depressing, to say the least, as they normally are when a family is in crisis. And now, well, it's pretty much inevitable that I get depressed during midwinter. Seattle - clouds upon clouds upon clouds. All of that plus the things that I legitimately, truly dislike about America equals feeling as if I don't like the country. As my friend was saying, what about things like Planned Parenthood and a lack of war? Yes, I do understand, so please, everyone, just know that there's a whole lot more in my head than I wrote down in those last two entries. I know that there are some incredibly beautiful things about this country, some things that I should be more grateful for but am not most the time, when I'm not thinking about it, because it's commonplace and I have a bad case of "the grass is greener" complex, and all I feel is that this place, where I've lived my whole life, the suburb of Kenmore, makes me quite unhappy.
To reference my friend once more; we were talking about it, and the thought occured to me as well as her bringing it up, it's kind of like talking about highschool. Many people hate it, express that they hate everything about it, and really do feel at least some hate towards it. Well, same thing... There are some truly despicable things about highschool, that's why we see such horrendous crimes commited within them, that's why the depression rate is sky high. But - the fact is, you're getting a good education in a safe environment, at least safe from outside forces, though internally I can't say, and it gives one many chances to still graduate or to move up. Going to it everyday, it's understandable that the many negative things would overcome the overall good of it. So, let's just pretend I'm the jaded highschooler. Which I guess technically, I kind of am though thank God for Running Start. I'm unhappy in my position, thus projecting that unhappiness onto what I feel makes me unhappy. So, my distaste for America is real, but for sure, exaggerated in moments of discontent.
But a distaste is all it will be. Yes, I concede, it is my home and there's nothing I can do about it, heh. I'll always feel like pines and grey-white cloud and water mean home. Being with my friends, laughing or just talking or painting my room or singing in ridiculously bad voices, that's home. Crazy punkers and tragic hipsters and all the random, odd people you see walking down the street, they're all home to me too'; return true;" onmouseout="window.status=''; return true;">me too. Coffee in the middle of the night, dancing on Friday nights to drum & bass, working my ass off and coming back to my menagerie of animals, my grinning poodle, that's home.
In the movie L'auberge Espagnol, it's a pretty similar situation, I think... this guy goes to Spain from France on a yearlong exchange, and everything changes, and when he comes home, at least by the way they edited it, everything seems so... dull. It's all just part of the exchange student depression. Plus, there's one character in there who talks about his African identity versus his Spanish identity, if I remember correctly... Well, that's it. I have two homes. I have many identities. I fit both places. I love both places. And I'm torn. And I just want to escape here and go back, because of all I left behind, because of all there is that I have not yet discovered...
Anyway. So. I guess I just wanted to really get it all out so this wouldn't bother me, because really, this is Livejournal, and though it is, as my friend said, a good medium for communication, I still try not to let myself be bothered by online arguments or fights or anything along those lines. So. I can't really explain what I feel about Croatia. But I can explain that in my heart, I really do know both sides of the coin... That I just don't feel it all that often. And perhaps that just means there should be some changes made. But - I gotta go. Or I'm going to be late for school.
So off I go, and I'll try to be a little more positive, or at least not blame America entirely for the things that make me unhappy. And let's have that be the end of it, though I will try to respond to comments when I can.
Joj, ludilo. Sta se dogodilo? Mislila sam da sam samo rekla da hocu se vratit u Hrvatsku... :(. Heh.
Ciao.