(no subject)
Maybe, it's just a crush. Perhaps it may be more. Maybe it's only a long-standing infatuation. Because love is supposed to be you giving your heart to another, and I just cannot fully comprehend doing that.This has nothing to do with infiedelity, I'm as loyal as a Chihuahah. But isn't there a possibility that it could be love without all that "Here's my heart Bullshit?" I mean, a different kind of pure and non-sexually explicit at times kind of love. Hm...that would only be if I knew what love was . . . which I'm not so sure I do anymore. But maybe I'm more knowledgeable of what love is than I know. That can happen, can't it? I'm not sure. I have come to the conclusion that what is wrong with the majority of people is that they attempt to look for love, without letting love attempt to look for them. My problem is when it finds me I'm already immersed in something else usually and too pre-occupied to notice.That didn't happen with us, you MADE me take notice.I do not feel the need to be dependent on another person, or dependent on their feelings towards me, or even responsible for encouraging their feelings, or anything else lovey-dovey. If I were meant to be attached at the hip, I would have a siamese twin.I'm not even sure exactly what it is I feel for you deep down. However there are a few things I do know.
For instance I know that I am intrigued by you . . . highly intrigued by you in fact.But I am still intrigued by other people outside of our relationship. I feel badly about that sometimes, even though it is quite healthy that I should be stimulated by other persons I meet in life. Again monogamy is not the issue here.I know that I catch a constant case of perma smile when I talk to you, about you, or even think about you or hear your name. And I know that my heart starts beating at a faster pace, almost as if it wants to jump out of my chest. Those are a few things I do know. I almost find myself amused by the fact that I know anything when it comes to you because often at times, I'm still quite confused. You're like that.
Age difference and us..is my own ignorance blissful? It seems so, but at the same time I scare myself. I scare myself because I allow myself to feel all types of emotions for you, and because of you. Yeah, seems kind of funny to scare myself into feeling huh? It's not, at times it can be a good type of scared, but a lot of the time, it's a bad type of scared. I'm not supposed to let my guard down, I'm not supposed to feel good types of lovey emotions for people, at least that's what I'd told myself for some time. But somehow, you always seemed to get past my guard, you got in. And when you got in, my brain's intruder alert didn't go off. It does sometimes now, as we delve deeper into the years. It's kind of weird actually. Sometimes I wonder if you can morph into sperm form, because sperm are persistent bastards and always get in eventually. OK, that was dumb, but still. How do you make me feel the way that you do? Still? How is it that you got me to let my guard down, and you remain clever in getting me to instill my trust in you so easily? I seriously do not get it. I'm so confused as to how I can keep going in this.Full well knowing that all good things eventually come to an end.I consider you my better half, but yet I don't expect you should complete me. I look to myself for that, which must make me seem kind of unreachable, or cold perhaps. Because if you ever left, I'd be sad, but not crushed. Not left to feel incomplete. I'd manage as I had before.
I wonder some days how you put up with me.
And in turn, I wonder some days how I have the energy to put up with you.
But you know, this "Love" we have going here, I really am surprised I took such a dive-in and that I've managed to stay afloat this long. You have helped me overcome so much. What was once a daily struggle is now a mere thought within a wide spectrum of others.If I could, I'd stand in the rain and reassure it that it hasn't defeated me.Afterall, it's only water.
If you get what I'm saying...I'm sure I'll go through many more storms throughout my reality. But I know I wont ever let them break me. I might hit that rock bottom several times before finding my bliss is not unending, but that's "life". Without those unbearable times, my better days can't come.
For instance I know that I am intrigued by you . . . highly intrigued by you in fact.But I am still intrigued by other people outside of our relationship. I feel badly about that sometimes, even though it is quite healthy that I should be stimulated by other persons I meet in life. Again monogamy is not the issue here.I know that I catch a constant case of perma smile when I talk to you, about you, or even think about you or hear your name. And I know that my heart starts beating at a faster pace, almost as if it wants to jump out of my chest. Those are a few things I do know. I almost find myself amused by the fact that I know anything when it comes to you because often at times, I'm still quite confused. You're like that.
Age difference and us..is my own ignorance blissful? It seems so, but at the same time I scare myself. I scare myself because I allow myself to feel all types of emotions for you, and because of you. Yeah, seems kind of funny to scare myself into feeling huh? It's not, at times it can be a good type of scared, but a lot of the time, it's a bad type of scared. I'm not supposed to let my guard down, I'm not supposed to feel good types of lovey emotions for people, at least that's what I'd told myself for some time. But somehow, you always seemed to get past my guard, you got in. And when you got in, my brain's intruder alert didn't go off. It does sometimes now, as we delve deeper into the years. It's kind of weird actually. Sometimes I wonder if you can morph into sperm form, because sperm are persistent bastards and always get in eventually. OK, that was dumb, but still. How do you make me feel the way that you do? Still? How is it that you got me to let my guard down, and you remain clever in getting me to instill my trust in you so easily? I seriously do not get it. I'm so confused as to how I can keep going in this.Full well knowing that all good things eventually come to an end.I consider you my better half, but yet I don't expect you should complete me. I look to myself for that, which must make me seem kind of unreachable, or cold perhaps. Because if you ever left, I'd be sad, but not crushed. Not left to feel incomplete. I'd manage as I had before.
I wonder some days how you put up with me.
And in turn, I wonder some days how I have the energy to put up with you.
But you know, this "Love" we have going here, I really am surprised I took such a dive-in and that I've managed to stay afloat this long. You have helped me overcome so much. What was once a daily struggle is now a mere thought within a wide spectrum of others.If I could, I'd stand in the rain and reassure it that it hasn't defeated me.Afterall, it's only water.
If you get what I'm saying...I'm sure I'll go through many more storms throughout my reality. But I know I wont ever let them break me. I might hit that rock bottom several times before finding my bliss is not unending, but that's "life". Without those unbearable times, my better days can't come.