(no subject)

[radandi]

last night i dreamt that i had done something horrible and it had killed hundreds of people. whatever i had done i had been led to do by my brother, and i had not known that it would hurt people, but he did. i was blamed and sentenced to live as an outcast. i argued and reasoned and fought against them, it wasn't my fault, i didn't know. they put me on a space ship and my brother was on the ship as well, and my mother. i shook and cried at my brother and told him that he needed to realize what he did, he needed to feel guilt or shame or something. my mom intervened and told me that if i kept blaming him he would try to kill himself. i shook her off and started hitting my brother but they were weak blows and he smiled at me. i realized that he did not feel anything so i stopped. i threatened to destroy the ship and everyone on it just so he would not be able to live. but we quickly arrived at my new home, a desolate rock of a planet. i sat and watched the ship take off, smoking cigarettes and listening to my ipod until it died. i wanted to be done with what i had brought; there was no power, there were no supplies. i decided that i could live there, that i could use the knowledge that i had and do something for myself. and then i was happy. i wanted to melt metal and see what i could make.

i am not mad at my brother, and i don't think he is a sociopath. i dont know why he was the object of my anger and frustration... but i do think that he took the role of others in my life.