Ghosts
I went to sesshin the two days after breaking up with SM and WW. A day after we found out that Shar and Jen had already figured out we were dating. WW sent a devastating message saying I had betrayed them, which I got just as I arrived in Chicago. The first few days of sesshin was spent in a brutally depressed, semi-suicidal fog, barely able to keep from breaking down. I was assigned a koan "Today is a good day". It's meaning is totally different than it sounds, but the more surface meaning did a lot to help me get through. Just at the end I was assigned another koan "It will be gone with the other". This too seemed to help.
Even though WW and SM had gotten with Shar and Jen and found I was telling the truth, that I hadn't betrayed their trust, things evolved poorly when I got back and we ceased talking.
In some ways this was good - I could more easily break away, more easily place a wall up where I could put them outside my emotions. Even running into them at the dojo wasn't a serious problem. I could miss them without being distraught. Strangely, again the koan seemed a comfort - even though it's intent was completely different.
Recently WW, SM, and I have mended things to the point we are now talking.
Ironically, as hard as the period of not talking was, the talking has found me much more emotional and depressed. To make things worse, I find I've not been meditating as I should.
Suddenly a koan which helped me get along only seems to hurt, now.
I've known I wasn't over them. I did believe I was further along than this. Yesterday I had to call and tell WW I wouldn't make it to their housewarming. I've been emotionally close to the edge, since. Compounding this was a misunderstanding with someone on a live-journal community. So intertwined are the feelings, I don't want to go back and post to that community anymore.
After two months, I felt I had progress further than this. I thought I'd gotten to the point where I let them go, at least somewhat. Now the only thing which rings in my head is "It will be gone with the other".
Ironically, I think I've solved the koan, but won't know until I see my teacher at the next sesshin.
Even though WW and SM had gotten with Shar and Jen and found I was telling the truth, that I hadn't betrayed their trust, things evolved poorly when I got back and we ceased talking.
In some ways this was good - I could more easily break away, more easily place a wall up where I could put them outside my emotions. Even running into them at the dojo wasn't a serious problem. I could miss them without being distraught. Strangely, again the koan seemed a comfort - even though it's intent was completely different.
Recently WW, SM, and I have mended things to the point we are now talking.
Ironically, as hard as the period of not talking was, the talking has found me much more emotional and depressed. To make things worse, I find I've not been meditating as I should.
Suddenly a koan which helped me get along only seems to hurt, now.
I've known I wasn't over them. I did believe I was further along than this. Yesterday I had to call and tell WW I wouldn't make it to their housewarming. I've been emotionally close to the edge, since. Compounding this was a misunderstanding with someone on a live-journal community. So intertwined are the feelings, I don't want to go back and post to that community anymore.
After two months, I felt I had progress further than this. I thought I'd gotten to the point where I let them go, at least somewhat. Now the only thing which rings in my head is "It will be gone with the other".
Ironically, I think I've solved the koan, but won't know until I see my teacher at the next sesshin.