if pain's what you want in an act, pain i can do

[racistdragon]

All sorts of emotions have been running through my mind the past few days. One of my coworkers at the museum died on Monday, we think of a heart attack. He didn't come into the museum, and they worried. When he didn't come in on Tuesday, they contacted the authorities who broke into his house, didn't find anyone... found his car parked in a commuter parking lot. He had his breakfast burrito and was seemingly just on his way for another work day, when they found him there. :'( I didn't know him as well as I would have liked, because he was taken way too soon. He was all set to retire in October and move out west. He was the primary caretaker for his chronically ill daughter. The whole thing is just so, so sad.

You hear stories about what this economy is doing to people, but I didn't really think I was as depressed about it as I am. Maybe because I just always try my best to distract myself and do things that make me happy instead of worrying and being sad and feeling like the loser I must appear to be a lot of the time. I have so many "should've" thoughts about it. I wonder what my life would be like right now if I had stayed in school and gotten a masters like some of my friends, if I had moved right into my parents' house and completely avoided ever living with my sister, if I had worked more while in high school... These are all things I keep wondering about and it sucks and it's not helpful but it's hard to not wonder. My life feels so mixed up and derailed and I don't know what to do.

Every time I fill out an application, I feel excited but I don't even know anymore. I've been disappointed so many times now that I become numb when I hear nothing. I can't get experience without a job and I can't get a job without experience. And every time my mom or my sister brings it up in one of their biting ways, it doesn't motivate me, it just makes me feel like shit.

I just want to get away from here, and I can't even do that.