WARNING: EMOTIONS RUN HIGH

[racingheart5]

so... yeah. i hate this. this whole feeling. and just... everything. i mean, i love kevin. i LOVE him. love him. but then... there's matt. and just... he's matt. i mean, there's just no other way to explain it. and, i just feel so dishonest to kevin now. i mean, i haven't done anything, but like, we started talking? and now i'm getting that feeling again. that 'what-if' stuff. it's just... it's stupid! i mean, gosh, third grade was so long ago. right? i should be over him. i shouldn't be on this fucking roller coaster of emotions, where one minute i'm psyched because he said "wow, you look great" to being depressed, even hurt, because he flirts with other girls. i mean. god. i just hate it. i hate that i have this huge emotional tie with him, that i can never seem to break out of. sometimes, i just wish i had never even seen him that one year at camp. then everything would be different. i wouldn't be all hung up on the what-ifs. but then i think about how selfish that is of me. cuz then sam would probably have never met him. maybe. and, i know they're GREAT friends. but then i think about why i can't be selfish this once, if not just to pursue my own happiness. and i hate how everyone's always like 'it's only matt, sara. it was only a crush, sara.' but it wasn't only matt, or a crush. i mean, i loved that kid. like, for so long. in kindergarden. i know some of you are like 'kindergarden, you can't love someone in kindergarden' but you can, and i did. i loved him in kindergarden, first, second, and third grade. and then i left for open, so... it was just like 'oh kay, you're never gonna see him again, so get over it' and i started to. but then, THEN, i had to go and fucking see him at camp dearborn. i mean, god. and that's when the 'what-ifs' first started coming back. and, it's crazy how easily it comes back. going back to loving someone. going back to where it's nothing but them. all you want is them. and just, gosh. it was SAD, is sad, how much i threw myself at him. and then how easily i forgave him for ever-so-slightly and casually brushing me off. then, we started talking on the phone. and i found out how much he liked me in 2nd-3rd grade. and man, that hurt so much. to hear that he liked me, and i liked him. but we never knew it. and then, i dont know, i started trying to get him to like me. like, sam, had these school dances, and matt would be there, and gosh, i would just throw myself at him so much. like, i was all over him. and he'd be... matt. i dont know, yeah...
but so, now. i dont know. i just hate the what-if game. it drives me crazy. because i shouldnt even be thinking about this right? if i have a boyfriend, why am i letting the past come into my mind? i mean, hello, PAST. PAST! (i did that more for myself)
yeah, that was my little venting thingy. comment if you want.

x3!

babe, please, don't take offense to this. i just needed to get it off my chest, ok? i love you :D