Obligatory About Me Post
People have been commenting about my lack of an "About Me" post for a while, so I thought I'd finally create one. As a disclaimer, I haven't updated this journal in a long time. I'm not ready to say goodbye to it yet, however. I started it in 2002, and it holds a lot of memories. Every now & then I toy with the idea of writing in it again, but it probably wouldn't happen at this point unless there was some huge, random migration of people back to the site. I highly doubt that will occur (especially while the site's owners are in Russia), but you never know! Weirder things have happened.
As of right now, I'm 41 years old. I'm also proudly queer (probably about a 5 out of 6 on the Kinsey Scale), and regrettably, eternally single. I can count the number of people I've dated on one hand - and none of the relationships, if you can even call them that, lasted longer than a month or two. I am also a virgin, which I realize at my age is not unlike saying I'm a unicorn ("You actually exist??"). Basically, I take "late bloomer" to the next level. Well, that, and my upbringing caused me to build a pretty high wall for anyone to jump over when it comes to physical/romantic intimacy. Plus it took me a long while to even come to terms with being queer, and neurodivergent stuff + social anxiety + mental health meds killing my libido all kinda complicated matters as well. And while I don't identify as asexual necessarily (I'm not yet knowledgeable enough about the "gray ace" identity to say for sure if that fits me either - same goes for demisexual), I also realize I'm not exactly typical either. I do yearn to experience reciprocated love & physical intimacy, but I honestly don't know if or when it will happen for me.
I currently receive SSDI (social security disability) for chronic migraine and a handful of mental health conditions -- overall, I've been diagnosed with treatment-resistant major depression, cPTSD, generalized anxiety disorder, social anxiety disorder, panic disorder w/ agoraphobia, & OCD. It sounds like a lot, and well ... it is. Lol. They didn't all get diagnosed at the same time though, and they're not all equally severe 100% of the time. It's more like a twisted game of whack-a-mole where as soon as you smack anxiety down, whoops! Here comes depression. Or vice versa. I also believe I am probably on the autism spectrum (or at the very least "autism adjacent" as I used to jokingly say, lol. If not exactly on Autism Avenue, then certainly in the neighborhood). But being female & already middle-aged, I doubt I will ever receive a diagnosis, especially as a lot of masking behaviors long ago became automatic for me - so much so that it can actually feel difficult to take it off. In a way it reminds me of my migraines. As a child, teenager, and eventually an adult, I learned that I had to put my "Okay Face & Okay Voice" on whether I was okay or not; as a result, it now feels more foreign & forced to express the level of pain I'm in than to hide it. I could be at an 8 out of 10, pain-wise, and still carry on a relatively articulate conversation with you -- but only for so long, and there's always a cost to it later once I'm home alone again & can safely collapse. All that said, the only people who have voiced doubts about me being autistic are neurotypical people. The autistic people in my life who have been diagnosed all see it. Take from that what you will.
Regarding family: my mom was severely mentally ill (bipolar disorder type 1, the inattentive form of ADHD, & substance-use disorder). Tragically, she died in 2012 at the age of only 55. We were estranged when she passed, but I never stopped loving her, and I miss her down to my very core. I also have a father who lives on the other side of the country. I haven't seen him in person since 2004 (same goes for my half-brother who grew up living with him), and our relationship is strained, distant, & mostly a mindfuck. He and my older sister haven't spoken at all in 29 years, and at this point I feel like I just don't have it in me anymore to keep trying. It would be hard to explain why without armchair-diagnosing him in the process, or just plain trauma-dumping. I'll just say that I didn't get to this place easily.
On a brighter note, I am extremely close with my sister (though we do butt heads at times, as sisters do), and my two nephews bring immeasurable joy into my life. Jayden is 20, and he is now like a foot taller than me (did I mention I'm only 4'10"-ish?), but he is still a big kid in my eyes. Silly, sweet, and wildly neurodivergent despite lacking a diagnosis. Jake, his younger brother, is 14 & is the only one of us actually diagnosed autistic (and ADHD). He is one of the funniest people I've ever known. He's also trans, and if that's an issue for you, then you can kindly take that issue someplace else.
Anyway, I could write a whole book here, but I won't. Instead, here are a couple links to check out if you'd like to know more:
Below, you'll find my "Year in Review" (and a couple "Decade in Review") posts. They're made up of noteworthy excerpts from all the entries I wrote during that time, and I still look back at them myself sometimes just to recognize patterns in my behavior & to be grateful for how far I've come when I look at the big picture.
Decade in Review: 2002 to 2009
2010 in Review
2011 in Review
2012 in Review
2013 in Review
2014 in Review
2015 in Review
2016 in Review
2017 in Review
Decade in Review: 2010 to 2020
P.S. Almost all my entries are friends-locked now, but I'm leaving certain things public (e.g. my fanfic, poetry), and I will more than likely add you back if you leave me a comment letting me know you'd like to be friends. Unless of course you're a dick. Don't be a dick.
Finally, since I know most of you are TV junkies like me, here's a list of all the major shows I've watched & enjoyed:
-The X-Files
-Dr. Katz: Professional Therapist
-Mystery Science Theater 3000
-Aeon Flux
-My So-Called Life
-Buffy the Vampire Slayer
-Angel
-Freaks & Geeks
-Arrested Development
-Sex and the City (the original run)
-Gilmore Girls
-Veronica Mars
-Firefly
-Dollhouse
-Parenthood
-Battlestar Galactica
-Caprica
-Psych
-Portlandia
-Bones (S1 - S5 I'll always remember very fondly, as well as a few select episodes from S6, but beyond that it got pretty cringe-worthy for me, unfortunately. I stopped watching during s7)
-The Daily Show
-Last Week Tonight with John Oliver
-Broad City
-Community
-Parks & Recreation
-Party Down
-My Mad Fat Diary
-Miranda
-Friday Night Lights
-American Horror Story (Seasons 1 and 2, anyway. After that it went downhill for me.)
-The Wire
-Southland
-Orange is the New Black
-Breaking Bad
-Fargo (season 1 only - haven't seen the rest)
-Archer
-House of Lies
-Brooklyn Nine-Nine
-The Fall
-Grace & Frankie
-Veep
-Nurse Jackie
-True Detective (season 1 -- haven't seen the rest)
-Crazy Ex-Girlfriend
-Bates Motel
-Stranger Things
-Insecure
-Six Feet Under
-Rick and Morty
-Pose
-The L Word (if you bear in mind my love/hate relationship with it)
-Schitt's Creek
-the first three seasons of Rizzoli on Isles. Er, I mean Rizzoli AND Isles. Wishful thinking, excuse me.
-Euphoria
-Please Like Me
-Ted Lasso
-Channel Zero
-Black Mirror
-Better Call Saul
-Reservation Dogs
-The Good Place
As of right now, I'm 41 years old. I'm also proudly queer (probably about a 5 out of 6 on the Kinsey Scale), and regrettably, eternally single. I can count the number of people I've dated on one hand - and none of the relationships, if you can even call them that, lasted longer than a month or two. I am also a virgin, which I realize at my age is not unlike saying I'm a unicorn ("You actually exist??"). Basically, I take "late bloomer" to the next level. Well, that, and my upbringing caused me to build a pretty high wall for anyone to jump over when it comes to physical/romantic intimacy. Plus it took me a long while to even come to terms with being queer, and neurodivergent stuff + social anxiety + mental health meds killing my libido all kinda complicated matters as well. And while I don't identify as asexual necessarily (I'm not yet knowledgeable enough about the "gray ace" identity to say for sure if that fits me either - same goes for demisexual), I also realize I'm not exactly typical either. I do yearn to experience reciprocated love & physical intimacy, but I honestly don't know if or when it will happen for me.
I currently receive SSDI (social security disability) for chronic migraine and a handful of mental health conditions -- overall, I've been diagnosed with treatment-resistant major depression, cPTSD, generalized anxiety disorder, social anxiety disorder, panic disorder w/ agoraphobia, & OCD. It sounds like a lot, and well ... it is. Lol. They didn't all get diagnosed at the same time though, and they're not all equally severe 100% of the time. It's more like a twisted game of whack-a-mole where as soon as you smack anxiety down, whoops! Here comes depression. Or vice versa. I also believe I am probably on the autism spectrum (or at the very least "autism adjacent" as I used to jokingly say, lol. If not exactly on Autism Avenue, then certainly in the neighborhood). But being female & already middle-aged, I doubt I will ever receive a diagnosis, especially as a lot of masking behaviors long ago became automatic for me - so much so that it can actually feel difficult to take it off. In a way it reminds me of my migraines. As a child, teenager, and eventually an adult, I learned that I had to put my "Okay Face & Okay Voice" on whether I was okay or not; as a result, it now feels more foreign & forced to express the level of pain I'm in than to hide it. I could be at an 8 out of 10, pain-wise, and still carry on a relatively articulate conversation with you -- but only for so long, and there's always a cost to it later once I'm home alone again & can safely collapse. All that said, the only people who have voiced doubts about me being autistic are neurotypical people. The autistic people in my life who have been diagnosed all see it. Take from that what you will.
Regarding family: my mom was severely mentally ill (bipolar disorder type 1, the inattentive form of ADHD, & substance-use disorder). Tragically, she died in 2012 at the age of only 55. We were estranged when she passed, but I never stopped loving her, and I miss her down to my very core. I also have a father who lives on the other side of the country. I haven't seen him in person since 2004 (same goes for my half-brother who grew up living with him), and our relationship is strained, distant, & mostly a mindfuck. He and my older sister haven't spoken at all in 29 years, and at this point I feel like I just don't have it in me anymore to keep trying. It would be hard to explain why without armchair-diagnosing him in the process, or just plain trauma-dumping. I'll just say that I didn't get to this place easily.
On a brighter note, I am extremely close with my sister (though we do butt heads at times, as sisters do), and my two nephews bring immeasurable joy into my life. Jayden is 20, and he is now like a foot taller than me (did I mention I'm only 4'10"-ish?), but he is still a big kid in my eyes. Silly, sweet, and wildly neurodivergent despite lacking a diagnosis. Jake, his younger brother, is 14 & is the only one of us actually diagnosed autistic (and ADHD). He is one of the funniest people I've ever known. He's also trans, and if that's an issue for you, then you can kindly take that issue someplace else.
Anyway, I could write a whole book here, but I won't. Instead, here are a couple links to check out if you'd like to know more:
Below, you'll find my "Year in Review" (and a couple "Decade in Review") posts. They're made up of noteworthy excerpts from all the entries I wrote during that time, and I still look back at them myself sometimes just to recognize patterns in my behavior & to be grateful for how far I've come when I look at the big picture.
Decade in Review: 2002 to 2009
2010 in Review
2011 in Review
2012 in Review
2013 in Review
2014 in Review
2015 in Review
2016 in Review
2017 in Review
Decade in Review: 2010 to 2020
P.S. Almost all my entries are friends-locked now, but I'm leaving certain things public (e.g. my fanfic, poetry), and I will more than likely add you back if you leave me a comment letting me know you'd like to be friends. Unless of course you're a dick. Don't be a dick.
Finally, since I know most of you are TV junkies like me, here's a list of all the major shows I've watched & enjoyed:
-The X-Files
-Dr. Katz: Professional Therapist
-Mystery Science Theater 3000
-Aeon Flux
-My So-Called Life
-Buffy the Vampire Slayer
-Angel
-Freaks & Geeks
-Arrested Development
-Sex and the City (the original run)
-Gilmore Girls
-Veronica Mars
-Firefly
-Dollhouse
-Parenthood
-Battlestar Galactica
-Caprica
-Psych
-Portlandia
-Bones (S1 - S5 I'll always remember very fondly, as well as a few select episodes from S6, but beyond that it got pretty cringe-worthy for me, unfortunately. I stopped watching during s7)
-The Daily Show
-Last Week Tonight with John Oliver
-Broad City
-Community
-Parks & Recreation
-Party Down
-My Mad Fat Diary
-Miranda
-Friday Night Lights
-American Horror Story (Seasons 1 and 2, anyway. After that it went downhill for me.)
-The Wire
-Southland
-Orange is the New Black
-Breaking Bad
-Fargo (season 1 only - haven't seen the rest)
-Archer
-House of Lies
-Brooklyn Nine-Nine
-The Fall
-Grace & Frankie
-Veep
-Nurse Jackie
-True Detective (season 1 -- haven't seen the rest)
-Crazy Ex-Girlfriend
-Bates Motel
-Stranger Things
-Insecure
-Six Feet Under
-Rick and Morty
-Pose
-The L Word (if you bear in mind my love/hate relationship with it)
-Schitt's Creek
-the first three seasons of Rizzoli on Isles. Er, I mean Rizzoli AND Isles. Wishful thinking, excuse me.
-Euphoria
-Please Like Me
-Ted Lasso
-Channel Zero
-Black Mirror
-Better Call Saul
-Reservation Dogs
-The Good Place