Decade in Review: 2010 - 2020
Hello, all! Some of you long-time friends of mine might remember how I used to do "Year in Review" posts every January, and how in 2009/2010 I actually did an overly ambitious Decade in Review (for those who are curious, here's Part One and Part Two from that), which involved gathering together excerpts from all my most notable journal entries between 2002 (when I started my journal) and 2009. Even though hardly any of my old online pals ever visit LJ anymore (it's just me and the Russians now, lol), and even though my "real life" friends might take a look at the length of this post and run screaming in the opposite direction, I still felt drawn to making another Decade in Review post this year. I'm sure it will be the last of its kind that I do on LiveJournal because frankly I'd be surprised if the site were even still around five years from now, let alone ten. But anyone who knows me well knows I'm resistant AF to change. So I will probably be clutching onto this site 'til the very end, whenever that is.
Anyway though. God, ramble much? My point is: This post contains memorable or significant quotes from entries I wrote over the past 10 years. There is a lot of vulnerability in here, and it gets dark at points. So if you're dealing with depression or self-harm yourself, you may want to set this aside to read at a later date. But if you do feel up to reading this, my hopes would be that people leave with a better understanding of who I am, what I've been through, and why recovery means so much to me. So much of it is hard to explain now, but I managed to do a pretty good job of it at the time.
P.S. Also? It's been my dream since I was a teenager to someday write and publish my own memoir, so if people find this engaging to read, that will boost my confidence a little bit in that area. You never know! Maybe one of these days, I'll do it.
---
2010
1/3/10: (from my above-mentioned Decade in Review)
"Here's to friends, here's to therapy, here's to surviving & being alive today to tell the tale. Here's to faith and the times when God is all you have, even if you're not truly sure you believe in Him. Here's to all the people who didn't make it along the way. Here's to those who died on 9-11, the tsunami, Katrina, Afghanistan, Iraq, Bali, Sri Lanka, Sudan, and on and on. Here's to everyone suffering right now who feels like they can't make it, but will. Here's to the ones who won't. Here's to the audacity of hope & the first African American president. Here's to same sex marriage, to a world with no signs that say "God hates fags." Here's to television and fandom and silly livejournal posts that make me laugh. Here's to a new decade and a new beginning. Here's to 3,650 days, one at a time. Here's to life, y'all. Here's to life."
1/17/10: "Mom has been having more & more of a problem again with pain pills."
2/18/10: "My mom reported the theft of her pill-filled golf clubs to the police…named my sister as a "suspect"…leaves screaming messages on my sister's voicemail…My sister talks to my stepdad on the phone…he texts my sister…says to her…"I guess now isn't a good time to ask you for a topless picture."
…my family is crashing down around my ears."
6/4/10: "I attended an Al-Anon meeting…I thought it was lovely."
7/6/10: "…my nephew's birthday coming up tomorrow is definitely affecting me…The hurt is so deep, I can't even explain it…A huge chunk of my life just fell apart. No matter how you try to dress it up, that's still the truth of it."
8/2/10: "I'm now unemployed…This year has now reached epic proportions of win and I'm currently just waiting for the plague of locusts."
8/6/10: "I am scared.
I feel like I am falling apart. I don't know if I'll come back this time.
I don't want to eat. I just want to sleep. I don't understand anything. I don't care.
I see pictures on the shelf and I want to rip them to shreds.
I see veins on my wrist and I trace them with my nail, pushing down just so.
I pretend I'm okay -- to myself, to others. I'm not okay. I don't know when I will be again.
…If everything ends in death anyway--nothingness, oblivion, peace--why not hit fast-forward? What is the point? When you're tired at a party, isn't it okay to call it a day and go home?
What if it's time to call it a day?"
9/18/10: "Things are really not okay with me…I broke down…started cutting myself…I feel nothing…all there is, is just this massive ache in my chest, blooming outward like some fucked-up flower.
I got myself to go to an interview today…got the job…Despite that, I found myself so close to planning my own suicide tonight that I actually gave in & called a hotline.
…It's like my whole life is being shaken around, things are falling from the floor to the ceiling, and I just want to rip my face off to make it stop. But all I can do is lie on my bed in the midday dark, and think about who would find the body."
10/12/10: "Jayden: Grammy was over here last night looking for medicine. She was in my room!
Me: *sigh* I know, Jay.
Jayden: Why did she cry when I told her she was yelling? She WAS yelling!
My sister: She was yelling -- you're right, Jayden.
Jayden: Why is she LIKE THAT?
Me: There's just something wrong with her, Jay. I'm sorry."
11/18/10: "I did hear back from my sister. And no, things are not good … I will love my sister until I die, but she does not have a right to be near me if she's treating me abusively."
12/12/10: "I've been trying so hard to fake-it-'til-I-make-it lately…Things don't feel real…when I look in the mirror, I don't feel connected to my own reflection…It's just a body staring back at me…
…Another day, you know? Inconceivable. Another day. And another after that. Feeling this way. Walls closing in, brain buzzing, nothing in control, nothing making sense, everything fucked.
…I stood there, staring at my razor, staring at my wrist…debating just going for it this time. I thought about what the note would say--"I'm sorry. I love you all."--and just stared. I threw the razor back in the medicine cabinet & walked out of the room."
---
2011
1/1/11: "Lead me, O God, into
an unclenched moment,
a deep breath,
a letting go of worn heaviness,
shriveling anxieties & dead certainties."
1/8/11: "A lot of the dreams have involved my mom breaking into my apartment. I'll open my front door and she'll already be inside…I'll get upset, she'll get all "I can explain!" but I can tell everything is just *wrong*. My place is trashed, sometimes there's literally writing on the walls…and it's just like, "WHY ARE YOU PUTTING ME THROUGH THIS?"
The dreams with her usually include my sister & nephew suddenly being there & leaving afterward. My nephew won't talk to me. He won't look at me. I try to tell him I love him. I try to ask him how he is. I try to tell him goodbye.
…I reached out my forearm and saw red scratches on it … I shoved it in one of the men's faces, then dug my nails into his neck, squeezing as hard as I could. I told him to look at what I had done, asked him if it made him happy, told him it was his fault. I wanted to hurt him as much as I could, but it seemed to have no effect. His face appeared, distorted…My stepdad stood nearby the whole time, doing nothing. I could no longer see his face."
1/30/11: "Most life spans in America are roughly seventy-odd years. This is still part one in a way. Only the first chapter. It will not last forever."
2/17/11: "My bandages were coming off…so I had to remove them. Some of the cuts either never closed, or got re-opened…Genius that I am, I was all, "Fine. Paper towel & packing tape. I DON'T EVEN CARE." No, that didn't work either.
I had to sit there & press a paper towel to my leg until it stopped bleeding again. That's what finally broke me…I started to worry I'd need stitches…
…I felt so, so alone. I really wanted someone, anyone, who could come over, bring me bandages, take the razors out of my house, get me some food, and just give me a fucking hug."
2/20/11: (from an IM convo between me and my Pittsburgh-based bff, Jen)
"me: DAMN YOU, PORTLANDIA
Jen: KEEPIN THE BOYS FROM THE YARD
me: that yard needs to be mowed!
Jen: I CAN'T THINK OF ANYTHING ELSE TO CAPSLOCK ABOUT
me: wait, is "yard" slang for her cha cha?
Jen: i hope not.
me: maybe she needs to mow it
Jen: this conversation got weird
me: doesn't it always?
Jen: I WAS INNOCENTLY TALKING ABOUT MY CHAI TEA MILKSHAKE AND ITS AWESOME, OKAY?
me: you do know the song i'm talking about, right?
Jen: yes
me: just makin' sure, hee
Jen: but then you're all like, "(SPOILER ALERT) ............... THE YARD IS HER VAGINA!!!"
me: BUT IT TOTALLY IS
Jen: OR MAYBE IT IS JUST A NICE COURTYARD WITH A BENCH AND SOME LOVELY TREES. HOW ABOUT THAT.
me: SURE, AND IN THE MIDDLE OF THAT COURTYARD IS…
HER VAGINA
Jen: IS HER VAGINA SITTING ON THE BENCH, JUST WONDERING
me: no, it's climbing the tree
it wants to fly. a whole new wooooorld
Jen: that's not fair because i don't remember any of the lyrics to that song.
me: SHINING, SHIMMERING SPLENDOR
Jen: SOMETHING SOMETHING SURRENDER
me: a flying CARPET, jen. her RUG.
Jen: OMG
me: what is my brain?
Jen: answer: awesome."
3/17/11: "me: i think GLUTEN is like its own trend
Jen: yeah, GLUTEN is pretty widespread
because it's like evil
me: "have you tried hating GLUTEN yet? it's so NOW"
"your cheeks will be less puffy & everything!"
Jen: right!
me: people won't shut up about the puffy cheeks
WHAT IF YOU WERE PART CHIPMUNK. WHAT THEN.
Jen: haha"
4/8/11: "I'm not excited at the prospect of ~starting over again~ with another job. Nothing feels right. It's been five months again since I saw my nephew & niece…"
6/3/11: "I've begun wanting to find out for myself what really happened, in regards to my stepdad & the girl he abused…Especially since my mom likes to act now like it never happened & he's, quote, a "teddy bear"…Here's what I found…On 12/20/1984, when he was 21 years old & the father of a 1 year old son, he was charged with a felony in the first degree for sodomy. He was also separately charged with sex abuse in the first degree under the same case number."
9/14/11: "…my unemployment claim for last week wasn't paid & is now being adjudicated.
…the minute I hung up the phone with the unemployment chick, I basically just started bawling & couldn't stop…I ended up cutting worse than usual…not just on my thigh but up & down my arm…
…I did call the crisis line…I couldn't stop shivering…they told me they'd approve me getting outpatient therapy paid for by the "general fund", meaning it would be completely free to me.
…Whatever happens, I'm just trying to tell myself that I can ask for help…& don't have to go through it alone."
9/24/11: "…my mind is just like this messy fog of panic & confusion & guilt & sadness, not knowing what to do or how to do it or in what order to do it, like a cognitive state of running into walls, and I suspect if the unemployment claim is denied I'm gonna need someone to hold my hand through brushing my own hair."
10/27/11: "(from one of my Bones fanfics)
Nerves stretched taut,
amp set to eleven,
she likes things to make sense.
A place at the table--this is where I go.
This is why we're here.
…Dividing the universe up
by column & row,
networked cells of painted passion
learned by rote;
her world can only be translated at best,
like geometric
equations
composed by a synesthete.
The beauty is logical.
The table is gone.
Her place doesn't exist."
11/24/11: "I got a message from my sister tonight on my machine…inviting me to her house for a Thanksgiving dinner with the kids…
…I'll just keep repeating it to myself: one day. As an A.A. dude said in the book I'm reading right now, put a wall around today & don't look past it. Sometimes it's what you've got to do."
12/10/11: "My mom had another heart attack yesterday…I never seriously expected my mother would live to see old age…I spent my childhood constantly afraid she was ABOUT to die, and I spent many of my teenage years thinking of how it would probably be a blessing to her--and everyone--if she did, despite knowing how sad & horrible it would be. And of course feeling guilty for even thinking it, & doing all I could to somehow magically prevent it. Now, I struggle with it in all sorts of new ways; I don't want my last words to her to have been in anger…the thought of her alone up there in a hospital bed is tragic; I want to see her get to be finally, truly healthy & happy before she dies; I want her to be the HER I always believed she was & could be when everything else was stripped away…
…My sister said our grandma recently told her that, while she loved her, she never should have been born. That neither of us should've been. It sounds terrible, but I do know what she means."
---
2012
1/20/12: "My mom sent me a random card in the mail…It just makes me sad. I keep thinking lately that I'm going to get a call from my sister telling me she's dead."
1/22/12: "Jay & Izzie and I spent HOURS at the nearby duck pond…which we hadn't done in well over a year…we totally played Pooh Sticks…Jayden remembered! He also remembered how I used to tell him that 'barkdust' was called barkdust because it would literally bark if you just listened closely enough, but that it was so quiet only dogs could usually hear it. Haha. ~Memories~"
2/27/12: "One of the things I'm focusing on with my counselor right now is reminding myself that I can't control others…I'm forever finding new ways in which I have to comprehend this basic premise--that I cannot control what other people think, feel, or do; I can influence probable outcomes, maybe, but that's not the same as utterly controlling them--and it's hard. When we talked about it this week, I actually started crying, and I had to admit that it's frightening for me. It's like I always thought I could say or do the "right" thing to control situations, that I could figure out what the "right" thing even was like some sort of logical puzzle if I just *tried* hard enough & considered all the variables, and she asked me what happened when I inevitably *couldn't* and things sometimes went badly, and the answer was, "I felt like a failure…and I kind of still do.""
3/1/12: (from one of my poems)
"I reminded you that I loved you
like a broken record
at night, in the morning,
when you opened the car door.
…just in case this might be the end…
…I tore myself apart over you,
vowed to never forgive you,
forgot
how to love you…
…Maybe you didn't realize that I was waiting
for you to show me, prove to me
by being well
how much
you loved me back."
3/26/12: "…on Friday my mom's health shouted a big "peace out!" to the universe, and everything since then has been fucking horrible…
…I feel like my world is collapsing in on itself…Most of last night was spent with me sick as a dog & fighting off an endless panic attack, trying to remind myself why this isn't the end of everything…I'm so deeply angry I could rip apart the very fabric of life itself.
…if I'd known she tried to admit herself to two rehab/detox places, one in the last month, but was turned away because of being on dialysis…this alone makes me feel like going literally insane…they denied her getting a kidney transplant…because of being mentally unstable for so long that now it'd be too late…What if she'd stopped abusing pain meds & stimulants & tranquilizers & God knows what else after her first heart attack? What if she'd gotten better mental health treatment back then & wasn't consistently discriminated against & neglected by medical doctors because of being bipolar & (let's be real) an awkward nuisance for them? What if I'd intervened & given her an ultimatum to get treatment years prior? What if nothing were different except I knew she was TRYING & about to die & gave our relationship another chance two weeks ago? Were the last two years even WORTH IT?…This situation has been fundamentally unfair for all of us, including my mom.
…I'd started praying recently again…And while praying I had started asking God/the universe/whatever to help me forgive my parents & to give them peace. I told her that too. I told her that if she woke up, and if she were willing to try, then I'd be willing to try having some kind of relationship again. I told her if she couldn't wake up, then that would be okay too, because I just wanted her to be at peace & know that we loved her. Even when I hated her, I loved her."
3/27/12: "I just watched my mom die. It's not okay. I'm not okay. This world is not okay."
4/1/12: "Remember the recurring dreams I'd had for the past two years where my mom would break into my apartment…and trash the place? Last night I dreamed that I woke up in bed with my mom standing in my room, having cleaned everything."
4/19/12: (from one of my poems)
"Please pause with me here,
and we'll wait it out.
Since we cannot say goodbye,
we'll embody it instead.
We'll be figures
bent like question marks
forgotten on the page."
4/22/12: "Mourning my mother has mostly gotten harder, not easier…sometimes it is almost unbearable. And I say "almost" because I think if you manage to stay alive, and stay lucid, then it's technically bearable. But there was one evening where I almost called a hotline again.
…I'm not sure if I've gone a single day without crying…Without even realizing it, I went three weeks without showering after the funeral. Even in most of my dreams, I cry."
5/6/12: "They say that anger is a stage of grief. They should change it to desperate rage, because that's so much more accurate. It's like I'm in a room with no windows, no doors, and I'm clawing at the walls, trying to climb out."
5/12/12: (From one of my poems)
"Sometimes I realize again
that you're gone,
and I feel like I will go crazy.
Like I will tear this world apart.
My whole life with you appears before me
in panoramic vision,
thirty years laid out like dominoes,
and the ending is all wrong.
Yet every moment led up to this,
you say,
and you cannot fight the past.
Watch me.
I will lay myself down beside you
& shout into the dirt."
6/2/12: "Sometimes in a really fucked up way, just the thought that you might be able to kill yourself tomorrow…is enough to calm you down & help you tolerate what's happening now. Without that, the feeling of being trapped can sometimes be suffocating."
7/10/12: "I'm still dreaming about my mom most nights…I couldn't even stand up in one of them, I was crying so hard. I just crawled along the floor & kept falling."
12/20/12: "Jen-related news: turns out she's building a tiny person inside her uterus. So that's happening."
12/31/12: "the fight I had with my dad…lasted less than two minutes, since he hung up on me, so I guess the more appropriate term might be a "fi…". Like, it doesn't even qualify for the whole word. It was that abrupt.
…Maybe someday my brother and I can reconnect. Maybe someday my dad will change a little for the better. I can hope for those things. But I don't expect them to happen. And I have to accept what is NOW & focus on that. If he dies tomorrow, at least I tried. At least my last words included "I love you.""
---
2013
1/12/13: "Isabella full-on peed in Ziggy's kitty litter box this week.
-The same day as the pee incident, she took a marker & colored herself pink all over…telling my sister that she did it because she "wanted to look like Piglet."
…Last time Jayden was here, something about time travel came up, and he asked me, "SO IT'S NOT REAL?" Apparently this came as a surprise to him. Hahaha."
6/18/13: "I ended up in the ER again on Sunday…after a week of uncontrollable vomiting…I actually fainted once I was there…I came to as I was being placed on a gurney & given oxygen & an EKG & everything. I'd never been tangled up in so many cords before…"
8/6/13: "I had an endoscopy…they were all, "Oh, my God, we can't believe you've been walking around like this/how long have you been feeling like this?!/we're SO glad you finally came in!"…I had so many ulcers they couldn't even count them all, and…an almost complete obstruction between my stomach & the small intestine…
…Then I had surgery…I was kept there about a week and a half the first time…the second time they kept me for six days…The following night I ended up in the ER again…"
9/4/13: "I ended up in the hospital again for two weeks…got put on a psychiatric hold…and got put on a feeding tube…The whole thing is overwhelming to me."
10/9/13: "After I was taken off all my meds at the hospital…and after they raised the dose too much on one after restarting it…I went back to my sister's place a total mess and with akathisia--anxiety absolutely out of control…and I became really suicidal. Enough to where I woke my sister up in the middle of the night & called the police, because my sister's car was broken. So I took an ambulance to a different, better hospital (WAY better), and I stayed in the psych ward for eight days.
…I got an additional diagnosis of OCD…
…I haven't had my period in months, and my hair is falling out again in clumps…I went from 158 lbs to 124 lbs really quickly…
…I saw a lawyer this week, and I've finally started a claim for disability."
10/11/13: "my grief over my mother's death is still an almost constant companion…I still have a sometimes overwhelming amount of regret & shame over how things ended…She could be so cruel & difficult sometimes, which my sister reminded me of tonight, and she reminded me that my mom repeatedly said before dying that she forgave me. And I've forgiven her for all the times she treated me horribly, so I know I should find a way to forgive myself. But I'm just not there yet."
12/11/13: "…the bus passed by our old house…I still have this urge to go there…part of me wants to believe that, if I did, time would reverse and everyone would still be there, including her. Like I'd find her in the kitchen, or even that she'd appear there if I sat down in the abandoned living room & called out for her loudly enough."
12/26/13: "Isabella has been saying a lot of quotable things lately…she randomly went up to my sister the other day & advised her, "don't mess with my funky flow!" Then on another night my sister was getting ready to drive me home, and Izzie was trying to convince us to let her stay home alone using such brilliant arguments as, "I can handle it -- I have muscles!"; "Grammy watches over me. She can babysit me!"; "If there's a fire, I'll just put water on it!"; and finally, my personal favorite, "I won't die of starvation because I have grapes!"
---
2014
1/1/14: "Even in my second year of mourning, it's been like treading water in a violent ocean; I try to accept it, try to keep my head above water, but the waves are still too strong. They pull me under again & again. Meanwhile my ever-present guilt is tied to my ankle like a heavy stone.
…one thing I'm trying to learn about mourning is that there's no timetable for it. Throughout this year I've also spent a lot of time being ashamed of the sheer repetition of my grief, of my own mental illness, and my troubles in general. Like, aren't you done being miserable yet?! As if it were all my fault. In 2014 I'd like to try to make peace with that as well."
2/6/14: "I turned 32 in January, and my sister threw a cute little party for me with her kids. I even had a princess hat, hee…
I got my first ever cell phone…now I feel less like an Amish person."
3/23/14: "Last time I was at my sister's, both the kids kept asking her to leave because it was (according to Jayden) "Ti-Ti Time". Hee. Even the math counted as Ti-Ti Time! And he is NOT a fan of homework.
……[my surgeon] removed my feeding tube…When I first got it last fall, I really didn't think I could handle it, but I made it six months."
4/22/14: "my GI doctor told me that the endoscopies weren't working after all…and that I'd need surgery again…When I saw my surgeon to discuss it, I had a pulse of 148, and I burst into tears. My first instinct after leaving was to call my mom, and I still haven't shaken the feeling…I'm scared.
…Out of nowhere, Jay asked me, "Do you ever wonder what existed before the universe was created, like whatever was there TO create it? Like, before the Big Bang? Or before God?" Meanwhile I used to OBSESS over that at his age…Then he added, "And what about what's BEYOND the universe? Where does it end? How could it go on FOREVER?" (note: he also knew about the universe expanding & was like, "but what is it expanding INTO?") I just laughed for like a minute straight & was like, "ARE YOU ME?! JAY, I STILL WONDER ABOUT THAT." Later I told my sister, and she cracked up even harder, asking "HOW DID HE NOT COME OUT OF YOUR UTERUS?" and I was like, "I DON'T KNOW!" Hahaha…
…after they got home that day, my niece told my sister that she'd seen our mom sitting next to her, and that she'd told her to let Jayden know it was "okay" he "didn't get to say goodbye.""
5/17/14: "I got approved for disability (ssdi for those familiar with the process)."
6/6/14: "I stayed with my sister for almost a month…
…It was great to spend all that time with the kids…I got to talk with them a lot and just watch them & their pillow-fighting hijinks…The same night I left, Izzie got on the phone & ordered me to come back, hee. Of course we did go for some walks together…we cuddled while watching things, and I tried getting him to watch X-Files, and he acted like the 1990s were the 1950s, and I felt super old. Also, he's basically as tall as me now. HOW DID THIS HAPPEN.
Oh, and P.S. Izzie calls me "Auntie Slow Poke" now. She thinks it's hilarious. She also…has a black & white striped fedora that she wears all the time. She looks like a miniature hipster."
7/8/14: "I'm home from my vacation to the happiest place on Earth, much poorer, and sunburned all over…"
8/25/14: "I've been in the local psych ward for roughly the past two weeks -- separated into two stays a few days apart. So now I've technically been in a mental ward three times in my life. Go, team!
…During our drive home, [Corinne] went fucking NUTS…said, "I hope you do commit suicide, and I hope it works.""
9/2/14: "I lost my shit while talking to the suicide hotline…then got put in another psych ward for 5 days…"
11/4/14: "I've been trying to forgive…not forget…As my counselor put it, I don't have to try to see [my stepdad] as a father-like figure again -- he can just be a weird relative whom it's more difficult than it's worth to avoid, e.g. on holidays or at Jayden & Izzie's birthday parties…and it just felt right in terms of helping me heal & let go of the hurt & resentment I have all pent up inside about him. I'm still deeply angry with him, don't get me wrong, but I know that anger hurts me more than it does him at this point, as legitimate as it is."
11/9/14: "Last night I had a really interesting dream…I was in Heaven…I saw my great-grandma…I was like, "how are you?", and she's like, "I'm doing great, honey," and I'm like, "Well, I'm not doing so great," and I started crying, and she's like, "I know."
…I hate my scars but want to cover my body with them -- cover ME, scratch me out like a drawing gone wrong."
11/29/14: "I had never been to the E.R. for a migraine in my life before, and over the last month I went four times, in addition to going to urgent care once. And some of that was because I felt like I was losing my mind…
…I started having panic attacks that were lasting days on end…the only thing I could think to do was call people & talk to them, because it would keep me from going into the bathroom & killing myself.
…I went to my sister's, and I stayed for three days…
…Nanny said, "it makes me so sad to see you following in your mother's footsteps…""
12/3/14: "…after I talked with Jen on the phone last night, I finally threw out my razors…I feel like that was important."
12/31/14: "I did make it to meet with my new psychiatrist today…She…agreed with the provisional diagnosis I was given in the hospital of PTSD…She said that benzos can keep you from "processing" your traumas, which I'm not sure I agree with, but she's the professional. I feel like all I've BEEN doing the last few years is processing my traumas…I remember watching a documentary about traumatized children once, and the therapy they received was called "scream therapy", where all the kids just screamed their heads off together…sometimes I wish I had a place where I could do that."
---
2015
2/26/15: "I had a really intense dream about my mom…she walked up to me, kissed me on the forehead, and said, "you're going to be okay." She told me some other things too, including the fact that I needed to let go of my guilt…"
3/25/15: "…my non-stop anxiety has lessened a lot…my depression seems to have worsened…It snuck up on me gradually…now I find myself sleeping 14-18 hours a day…I'm dragging around an extremely heavy suit of blank, numb listlessness everywhere I go. Except for rare moments, I don't cry -- the furthest I usually get is a heavy ache in my chest or a knot in my throat. My psychiatrist thinks it's a mix of PTSD symptoms…we're finally going to start tapering me off the Klonopin…
…It's hard to explain to my sister, because a few months ago, I couldn't STAND to be alone. Now I can barely stand to be around people…I went over to my sister's yesterday & was only able to spend about two hours there before taking the bus home, and it made Izzie cry.
…doing anything right now, even getting myself to muster up the spirit to write this, is like freaking pole-vaulting with atrophied muscles."
4/1/15: "Random funnyness: I asked Isabella how her day was, and she went, "None of your business! Why don't you go read my diary? But you can't, because I hide it! And I lost the key!" Hee! I asked her what I'd find in her diary, and--after telling me it was none of my business one more time--she said, "I don't know, probably something about kissing people on the mouth." I swear, she cracks me up so hard sometimes."
4/11/15: "Jayden has now realized that I can't tell when he's being sarcastic, and he thinks it's hilarious…His favorite method is to ask me a ~giant-head~ type question…something I'll immediately start rambling about, all lost in the clouds of my giant-head world, and then he'll blurt out, "YEAH, I DON'T CARE." Then I usually shove him & tell him to shut up, haha."
4/21/15: "It was just like a flick of a switch…The day after the anniversary of my mom's death, I stopped sleeping…
…when I was thinking about being suicidal, my sister called me & told me that a flashlight in Jayden's room had turned on by itself…when she went to turn it off, she smelled my mom…got a sudden urge to call me…I've been feeling like my mom's with me all the time lately."
5/3/15: "I feel like life is…pummeling me from every direction…leaving me no escape…It's like I'm hanging off a cliff, and I'm trying to hold on, but my fingers are slipping, and I don't have a rope. My sister treats it like a clear-headed choice…but no one gets mad at someone for jumping out a window when the building's on fire, y'know? That building right now is my mind, and it's filled with smoke.
…I had another dream where I felt like [my mom] was visiting me…said "I love you," paused, and continued with, "you *are* going to be okay.""
5/24/15: "…my depression is not only not better, but it may actually be worse…I can't find my way out…Even carrying on a normal conversation with someone is extremely draining. It takes such energy just to speak or move; it's like fighting your way from the ocean floor all the way to the surface repeatedly…
…my mind just keeps circling around the same thought: it's never going to be okay again…I will forever be walking around this Earth with a piece of me missing, lugging around a bag of regrets…I can't accept a future in which [my mom] won't exist."
6/1/15: "…there was a surprise clip (on the home videos I was given)…a freaking sex tape between my mom & step-dad. BECAUSE THAT'S JUST WHAT I WAS MISSING IN MY LIFE…
…(after being put on Lithium) my hand tremor worsened significantly…I couldn't pee & had blurred vision…I was also starting to have auditory hallucinations…I also had wicked nausea, and spent an entire night vomiting…
I had the same recurring, severe ("severe" as in enough to visit the ER twice in 48 hours & go almost completely without sleep) migraine for something like four days, I think, and it was TERRIBLE…
At one point, no one was available to talk, and I was completely freaking out, so I called my county's crisis line, and they were like, "this is a medical issue; we can't help you." I was sobbing on the phone with them, and they just could not have given less of a fuck.
…it might be silly, but I just can't ignore the fact that all this stopped on May 31st, the day I said I'd live until."
7/4/15: Should I get dressed today?
I can't move my body.
Surely, I wasn't meant to live this long.
I'm past my expiration date like bad milk.
…Depression lies,
you'll remember later,
but you'll forget again."
7/9/15: "I had a dream about my grandpa…it was just him giving me a really tight hug…I cried, and I said to him, "I'm really glad you visited me"…and he goes, "I'm really glad I visited you too.""
7/16/15: "The anxiety's like this big looming monster I want to fight off, but every time I take a swing at it, it shifts its position & attacks from a different angle. So I'm left sitting here with the lights off, everything quiet, trying to calm my mind--put all the buzzing bees to sleep--but I still want to curl up in a ball & cry out pointlessly for help while I beat my head with my fists."
7/28/15: "…Izzie said today, "I want Auntie Rachael to come over, but she won't, because she never wants to see us anymore."
It's so unfair. I feel like I can't live without bringing people pain, and I can't die without doing it either."
10/3/15: "I called my apartment manager, and she told me…if I renewed my lease, I would have to start paying $835/month…That's a rent increase of $190, people.
…In desperation, I called Joe…I knew there was a chance he might be willing to help…I'm just gonna have to learn to deal with whatever anxiety having a relationship with him creates for me…Anyway, clearly the hallucinations aren't all about him, because I've been having them all week since my mom's birthday…they worsened on my brother's birthday…So, he may be a trigger for me, but it's not like he's the only one."
10/11/15: "Isabella is NOT GIVING UP on my sister having another baby, lack of uterus be damned. She continues to interrogate her as to WHY she can't just adopt, and WHY she can't just use me as her surrogate (like, do I get a say in this matter? Hee). She is seriously determined."
10/20/15: "I did get to play with Izzie for a bit before we left…As always, she was hilarious that entire day without even trying. Oh, you'd like examples? No problem:
1. She asked me if I'd "cycled" yet (she literally used those exact words), then asked me if I knew I could adopt or use a surrogate to have a baby. I can't even.
2. She wore her vampire costume all day, even to the pumpkin patch, and insisted on bringing two baby dolls with her as well. She got a lot of looks, haha.
3. We went to Roloff Farms…and apparently the slide there was "aggravating." Again, quoting verbatim.
4. At one point, she cuddled up to me…and I asked her, "What am I gonna do when you're too big to cuddle?" Her answer? "I guess you'll just have to deal with it." Hee! Tellin' it like it is."
10/30/15: "…lately I've been getting really anxious by around 5 o'clock in the evening, because I'm like, "ISN'T TODAY OVER YET? HOW AM I GONNA MAKE IT?", especially since I've been waking up around 2 to 4 a.m. every morning…that's a long-ass day when you have nothing to do but wring your hands & stress the fuck out."
11/16/15: "…there's a deadening effect that seems like it's being lifted, bit by bit…and while I still experience the numbness sometimes--particularly when depression is running the show--I've been noticing myself feeling more present lately, like consciously in my body & in the moment, and at times my reaction to that is either to panic or dissociate. Like things feel *too real* if that even makes sense…It reminds me of free-falling…like suddenly you realize the ground beneath you is gone & you have nothing to hold onto."
11/19/15: "Jay meanwhile was a complete darling to me all night, giving me hugs & calling them "Jayden traps". He specifically asked for a Tia Trap, too, which warmed my heart. I'm so glad he's not too old to enjoy me attacking him with inescapable hugs yet, heh.
…Apparently Jay thought I was only around 26 years old…He told me I looked 19, and I was like, "Aw, thank you, Jay," and he literally replied, "You're very welcome!" HE IS SUCH A SWEETHEART, I CANNOT DEAL."
11/22/15: (from a poem I wrote for my sister)
"Tragically,
hope has seemingly revealed itself
to be a laughable luxury for us,
one which your heart can no longer afford.
Your account has simply been overdrawn
too many times.
Still, you keep hope's remnants
tucked safely away beneath your mattress,
assuring yourself that
someday
you just might find the right needle & thread
to sew your soul back together again.
It's either that
or you'll fake it 'til you make it
if you have to.
And you always have to."
Nov. 23rd: "I did have the kids over to my place on Saturday for a special auntie-only movie night…we all snuggled up together on the couch (where Izzie kept giving me cheek & forehead kisses, aww)…Izzie also wanted to inform me that I needed an air-freshener for my bathroom, while Jayden was all ~surprised~ I had done the dishes. Then she turned to me & we had the following exchange, verbatim:
Izzie: I have a serious question for you.
Me: Oh, um...okay. What?
Izzie: Do you EVER vacuum?
Seriously. Everyone's a critic! Haha."
---
2016
1/2/16: "Somewhere along the way, I decided to try to commit to living…That doesn't mean I don't still get suicidal, because I do…but I think it matters that I at least try to tell myself it's not an option anymore."
3/14/16: "I have a shiny new diagnosis: panic disorder."
3/18/16: "I've been relying heavily on the muscle relaxers my doctor gave me + 3 or 4 benadryl at a time…I've had to go from saying "one day at a time" to "one hour at a time" or "ten minutes at a time."
…The evenings in particular are often damned near unbearable…like I have this primal urge to run at full speed into a brick wall just to knock myself out & make myself unaware of all the thoughts & feelings simmering inside of me…I'm pretty much experiencing an ongoing fight or flight response, which can last for hours at a time."
3/20/16: "I landed in an ER last night after taking a ridiculous mess of medications in a foolish & reckless attempt to quell my can't-stop-won't-stop panic…"
3/29/16: "This weekend was the first time in two weeks that I actually slept more than 3-4 hours. It's been super frustrating, as are the terrible, vicious migraines I've been getting. I spent almost all of last week in bed…
…[My sister] seems to be treating me very similarly to how we both used to treat our mom when we'd run out of patience/compassion for her shenanigans…
…I'm at a crossroads in terms of misusing medications & possibly heading down the road towards addiction if I don't change how I respond to my feelings in the future."
5/5/16: "…after only three months here, I have to move. Yes, AGAIN…
…I've decided to temporarily stay with my sister…
…My spirit feels like it's been stomped upon."
5/29/16: "Izzie has said about a thousand hilarious, random things to me since I arrived, but right now I can only remember four, which I'll go ahead & share:
1. "Tonight, I'm a party, and only Isabella is invited."
2. (when asked what she'd do if a stranger approached her & tried to get her to come with them) "I have a lot of choking in me, but I don't let it out. I have a little Grammy in me." She then demonstrated her air-kicking abilities.
3. "Can we go in the sewer? I want to meet the ninja turtles."
4. "I'm freeing the sticks, because I want to help things. That's the circle of life. I should definitely be on the news."
6/21/16: "I got that studio apartment in downtown Portland!"
8/14/16: "I actually wrote a note -- I was debating whether to just go take more pills & just be done with it…
…I want to completely escape how I'm feeling, completely escape what I'm thinking."
9/15/16: "I spent the last nine days in medical detox/inpatient treatment."
9/28/16: "After being on [Klonopin] on a daily basis for years…and after being put on high doses for long periods of time…I not only gained a tolerance…but also began to experience really bad rebound anxiety.
…I found myself unable to continue taking less than I was supposed to on enough days to make up for all the days I took *more* than I was supposed to."
11/16/16: "I have 30 days clean & sober from benzos, alcohol, self-harm, and marijuana edibles."
---
2017
1/2/17: "In retrospect, 2016 was a year of being utterly stripped of my defenses. I had no idea what was next from start to finish…I had to admit that I was not in control of so many things…I'm still struggling daily with depression, anxiety, & C-PTSD, but I no longer want to off myself, and that's huge. I have hope that a year from now, I'll be able to identify even more steps in the right direction, wherever that may lead me."
2/4/17: "I've only had two piano lessons so far but my teacher says I'm progressing really rapidly. She also said, "I really think you're gifted…probably the best student I've ever had.""
3/22/17: "I performed at a talent show at the Alano Club (with my poetry)…and got a great reaction. I even made one woman cry!
(from one of my poems):
"…I never stopped to predict
how part of me would someday miss
the busy preoccupation of chaos,
or the sudden rise
before the fall.
No one warned me
how utterly still the sky would be
once she was gone --
dotted miles of wreckage
left perpetually on pause;
the memory
of her pretty, raspy voice
fading impossibly away."
4/10/17: "…in OMG!what? news, my stepbrother reached out to me & my sister on facebook recently…apparently my post about the anniversary of my mom's death had an impact on him, and he said it made him feel like life was too short not to at least give resuming contact a try."
7/14/17: "…my stepbrother, Jojo, unexpectedly committed suicide…"
8/24/17: (from a poem about my stepbrother)
"But then you left me in the trenches
to crouch, alone,
on blackened soil,
while plumes of fire rained down
from an endless sky.
…Your face eventually began to fade --
nothing more than a reflection in the water
broken by a stone,
concentric circles reaching
forever outward, just trying to hold on
to the impossible image
of how things could have been.
Make that should have been."
10/21/17: "I got one year clean/sober…I'm still working on allowing myself to feel proud of that, though, because part of me thinks, "Oh, my "bottom" was way higher than most of the people I meet in N.A. or A.A., so it doesn't really mean as much"…Others have tried to impress upon me the fact that addiction is addiction…a spiritual/emotional bottom can be just as bad as one that involves homelessness or jail."
12/30/17: "The day after Christmas, my sponsor accompanied me to my mom's grave site, where I read a letter I had written to her as part of my work on Step 9…I was able to walk away feeling lighter, and though I know this doesn't erase all the angst or grief between us, I do feel like I have a bit more closure now."
---
2018
1/1/18: "2016 was all about me climbing out of the deep hole…I'd fallen into over the previous 6 years. 2017, in contrast, was mostly about me attempting to stay out of that hole, and to continue moving forward on level ground. Looking back, I think I did pretty well with that. I didn't intentionally cut, scratch, or burn myself once. I never again found myself methodically planning my own suicide…I had brief periods where I felt like giving up, but I never did. Today, I keep my home clean. I actually do laundry. I wash my freaking face. I don't go weeks without showering or 6 months without vacuuming. I've learned a whole new instrument. I have friends…I'm volunteering…working the steps, and being of service at meetings. I even found the most un-churchy of churches to attend. Things are better, and I have hope. I know it's a work-in-progress…but things are going in an upward direction now, rather than a continually tumbling snowball of destruction. That means something to me."
2/8/18: I turned 36 this January…I can acknowledge that I am about to sound gullible & insane to some of you, but I feel about 90% sure that my mom's spirit visited me & my sister the night before my birthday."
4/26/18: "Stuff in recovery has been hard lately, and it's really been stretching my coping skills to their very limit…I'm definitely struggling with some issues of self-worth, belonging, and abandonment. But the good news is that, as much as I'm sometimes resentful & bitter towards the fellowship that has basically saved my life, the fact remains that it HAS saved my life, at least in part, and I do have tools in my toolbox to help me walk through times like these. It's just a matter of being willing to reach for them, which is not always easy."
8/16/18: "So remember how a couple entries ago, I was all, "Things are going great with my sponsor! I love her a lot!" Yeah, well, that went kerblooey…We were fine, & everything was great…and then suddenly that was done. Like one minor disagreement over the phone & she'd HAD IT…
…Honestly, I still feel blindsided by the whole thing…
…I do have a new sponsor now…She's different than my old sponsor in that she's very outspoken & direct -- to the point where I do find her somewhat intimidating…but at least that means I think she'll be upfront with me from the start.
Another new development is that I'll hopefully be volunteering at The Dougy Center starting in the fall…
10/7/18: "My piano teacher suddenly died last week…and it hit me really hard…I always knew what to expect from her, and it was always the same thing -- kindness, encouragement, and generosity. I know she didn't have the best relationship with her kids, and I think to some extent she appreciated having someone she could "mother", for lack of a better word. I appreciated it too…I found it really reassuring, particularly because I certainly didn't know what to expect from the rest of my recovery…As sad as I am about her death, I am grateful we had the chance to know one another when we did.
Because the universe thinks it's cute, her funeral ended up literally on my mom's birthday…
…this past Friday (10/5/18) marked my two-year anniversary/clean date.
…What matters is that I'm not going through withdrawal today. I'm not in a psych ward today. I'm able to be present for the people I love. I don't have bandages all over my thighs. I don't want to die. I have at least a little bit of hope for my future. I'm trying new things. I'm making new friends. I'm continuing to move forward -- one step, one day at a time. And the fact that I'm doing all that clean/sober is an accomplishment I can be proud of, despite the fact that pride is still an emotion I feel pretty uncomfortable sharing."
12/14/18: "Things are also going all right with my new NA sponsor, and I'm growing to like her more & more. I don't find her as intimidating as I did at first…she's a lot gentler with me than I assumed she would be, and she has a lot of wisdom & experience in the program.
…a little less than two weeks ago, I had the worst panic attack I've had in like two years."
---
2019
2/2/19: "One positive thing I can report is that I have a part-time freelancing gig transcribing audio files from home."
3/9/19: "I've had several more major panic attacks in the last few weeks, the first of which hit its peak right when I was at the movies with my nephew…
…I ended up doing another IOP program…
…I'm also going to be adding in the psychologist who helped me overcome my Social Anxiety Disorder back in my early twenties."
6/29/19: "I was able to come to the conclusion while I was there that my choice to let myself begin frequently taking benzos again--even if it wasn't the specific one I'd had a problem with before--had been a mistake. At least as far as having a prescription for them outside the hospital goes. I'm still undecided whether I will let them give it to me if I end up at the ER again.
…They did at least get me set up to do another round of IOP though, at Cedar Hills Hospital again.
…As disappointing as it is, and as anxious as it makes me, I had to make the hard decision that [my old psychologist] wasn't the right fit for me anymore."
9/28/19: "I ended up at the ER again…they suggested yet another IOP program (my third this year)…And then…a less time-consuming program that teaches Acceptance and Commitment therapy.
…I also applied to get back on the waitlist for the Portland DBT Institute.
On one hand, I did feel like I was making progress for a while. I went to the movies on a few occasions, and I went for an overnight trip to Sunriver with my family…I felt like I was getting better at reassuring myself and practicing acceptance around my anxiety, which was lessening both the frequency and severity of my panic attacks. But on the other hand, I made two trips to the ER in the last month or so…
…Overall, it was one of the worst experiences I've ever had (being at Unity again), and I definitely see it as hitting a bottom…
…I've been texting off and on with my half-brother, Kyle, for a while now, and it feels very healing. It had been making me sad for years now that we didn't really talk anymore, because we were so close while he was growing up (before they moved out of state when he was 12. He's 29 now). I'm so proud of him too, as he's returning to school for a second bachelor's, this time in neuroscience."
12/31/19: "I finished the Acceptance and Commitment therapy group…and though I do think I got a few helpful skills from it, mostly it just left me confused…
And while I wish I could say my trips to the ER decreased during this time, what actually happened was the opposite…
Unfortunately (or maybe fortunately, depending on how you look at it), the doctor at my last visit (in the wee hours of Christmas morning) informed me she was going to put it in my file not to give me benzos anymore…
I decided to try CBD oil again…
…I've run into my old sponsor a couple times recently, and it's gone okay…I'll never probably have the exact closure I wanted, but…I do feel some measure of peace around it, especially as it led to me finding my current sponsor, who I think is a good fit for me at this time in my life.
…As far as how my recovery is going otherwise, I'm waiting to go over Step 5 with my sponsor, and I have several service positions at various meetings…I've also recently made friends with a great group of guys…
…my sister gave [our stepdad] a hug, which is something neither of us almost ever do (and something we certainly won't be doing at all after this), and she said he pinched her breast when she did it. It's completely crazy-making because he's acted totally normal ever since…
I do have a handful of goals for 2020…to wake up no later than 9 am every day…to practice piano every day and stop missing so many lessons; to learn new coping skills for my anxiety & maintain the willingness to actually put those skills into practice; to finish the steps and make myself available to sponsor others; to put more effort into online dating and go on at least one date with someone; to do peer support training; continue my volunteer roles and add at least one more; do a little yoga or tai chi every day; take a walk every day; meditate at least once a day; cook more often; spend more one-on-one time with my niece and nephew; start making regular time again for drawing and painting…and maybe even attempt to get back into creative writing again, whether through poetry or fanfic."
(not that I have high expectations of myself or anything! *rolls eyes*)
And that's it, folks! If any of you actually read this to the end, I commend you! I know it's long as hell, but hopefully it speaks to someone, somewhere. I'm glad I didn't know 10 years ago everything I'd have to go through between then and now, but I'm also proud of how I've grown and evolved. It shows me that changes for the better are possible, even if they are utterly unforeseen and long overdue. I hope that 10 years from now, I'm able to say the same thing.
Anyway though. God, ramble much? My point is: This post contains memorable or significant quotes from entries I wrote over the past 10 years. There is a lot of vulnerability in here, and it gets dark at points. So if you're dealing with depression or self-harm yourself, you may want to set this aside to read at a later date. But if you do feel up to reading this, my hopes would be that people leave with a better understanding of who I am, what I've been through, and why recovery means so much to me. So much of it is hard to explain now, but I managed to do a pretty good job of it at the time.
P.S. Also? It's been my dream since I was a teenager to someday write and publish my own memoir, so if people find this engaging to read, that will boost my confidence a little bit in that area. You never know! Maybe one of these days, I'll do it.
---
2010
1/3/10: (from my above-mentioned Decade in Review)
"Here's to friends, here's to therapy, here's to surviving & being alive today to tell the tale. Here's to faith and the times when God is all you have, even if you're not truly sure you believe in Him. Here's to all the people who didn't make it along the way. Here's to those who died on 9-11, the tsunami, Katrina, Afghanistan, Iraq, Bali, Sri Lanka, Sudan, and on and on. Here's to everyone suffering right now who feels like they can't make it, but will. Here's to the ones who won't. Here's to the audacity of hope & the first African American president. Here's to same sex marriage, to a world with no signs that say "God hates fags." Here's to television and fandom and silly livejournal posts that make me laugh. Here's to a new decade and a new beginning. Here's to 3,650 days, one at a time. Here's to life, y'all. Here's to life."
1/17/10: "Mom has been having more & more of a problem again with pain pills."
2/18/10: "My mom reported the theft of her pill-filled golf clubs to the police…named my sister as a "suspect"…leaves screaming messages on my sister's voicemail…My sister talks to my stepdad on the phone…he texts my sister…says to her…"I guess now isn't a good time to ask you for a topless picture."
…my family is crashing down around my ears."
6/4/10: "I attended an Al-Anon meeting…I thought it was lovely."
7/6/10: "…my nephew's birthday coming up tomorrow is definitely affecting me…The hurt is so deep, I can't even explain it…A huge chunk of my life just fell apart. No matter how you try to dress it up, that's still the truth of it."
8/2/10: "I'm now unemployed…This year has now reached epic proportions of win and I'm currently just waiting for the plague of locusts."
8/6/10: "I am scared.
I feel like I am falling apart. I don't know if I'll come back this time.
I don't want to eat. I just want to sleep. I don't understand anything. I don't care.
I see pictures on the shelf and I want to rip them to shreds.
I see veins on my wrist and I trace them with my nail, pushing down just so.
I pretend I'm okay -- to myself, to others. I'm not okay. I don't know when I will be again.
…If everything ends in death anyway--nothingness, oblivion, peace--why not hit fast-forward? What is the point? When you're tired at a party, isn't it okay to call it a day and go home?
What if it's time to call it a day?"
9/18/10: "Things are really not okay with me…I broke down…started cutting myself…I feel nothing…all there is, is just this massive ache in my chest, blooming outward like some fucked-up flower.
I got myself to go to an interview today…got the job…Despite that, I found myself so close to planning my own suicide tonight that I actually gave in & called a hotline.
…It's like my whole life is being shaken around, things are falling from the floor to the ceiling, and I just want to rip my face off to make it stop. But all I can do is lie on my bed in the midday dark, and think about who would find the body."
10/12/10: "Jayden: Grammy was over here last night looking for medicine. She was in my room!
Me: *sigh* I know, Jay.
Jayden: Why did she cry when I told her she was yelling? She WAS yelling!
My sister: She was yelling -- you're right, Jayden.
Jayden: Why is she LIKE THAT?
Me: There's just something wrong with her, Jay. I'm sorry."
11/18/10: "I did hear back from my sister. And no, things are not good … I will love my sister until I die, but she does not have a right to be near me if she's treating me abusively."
12/12/10: "I've been trying so hard to fake-it-'til-I-make-it lately…Things don't feel real…when I look in the mirror, I don't feel connected to my own reflection…It's just a body staring back at me…
…Another day, you know? Inconceivable. Another day. And another after that. Feeling this way. Walls closing in, brain buzzing, nothing in control, nothing making sense, everything fucked.
…I stood there, staring at my razor, staring at my wrist…debating just going for it this time. I thought about what the note would say--"I'm sorry. I love you all."--and just stared. I threw the razor back in the medicine cabinet & walked out of the room."
---
2011
1/1/11: "Lead me, O God, into
an unclenched moment,
a deep breath,
a letting go of worn heaviness,
shriveling anxieties & dead certainties."
1/8/11: "A lot of the dreams have involved my mom breaking into my apartment. I'll open my front door and she'll already be inside…I'll get upset, she'll get all "I can explain!" but I can tell everything is just *wrong*. My place is trashed, sometimes there's literally writing on the walls…and it's just like, "WHY ARE YOU PUTTING ME THROUGH THIS?"
The dreams with her usually include my sister & nephew suddenly being there & leaving afterward. My nephew won't talk to me. He won't look at me. I try to tell him I love him. I try to ask him how he is. I try to tell him goodbye.
…I reached out my forearm and saw red scratches on it … I shoved it in one of the men's faces, then dug my nails into his neck, squeezing as hard as I could. I told him to look at what I had done, asked him if it made him happy, told him it was his fault. I wanted to hurt him as much as I could, but it seemed to have no effect. His face appeared, distorted…My stepdad stood nearby the whole time, doing nothing. I could no longer see his face."
1/30/11: "Most life spans in America are roughly seventy-odd years. This is still part one in a way. Only the first chapter. It will not last forever."
2/17/11: "My bandages were coming off…so I had to remove them. Some of the cuts either never closed, or got re-opened…Genius that I am, I was all, "Fine. Paper towel & packing tape. I DON'T EVEN CARE." No, that didn't work either.
I had to sit there & press a paper towel to my leg until it stopped bleeding again. That's what finally broke me…I started to worry I'd need stitches…
…I felt so, so alone. I really wanted someone, anyone, who could come over, bring me bandages, take the razors out of my house, get me some food, and just give me a fucking hug."
2/20/11: (from an IM convo between me and my Pittsburgh-based bff, Jen)
"me: DAMN YOU, PORTLANDIA
Jen: KEEPIN THE BOYS FROM THE YARD
me: that yard needs to be mowed!
Jen: I CAN'T THINK OF ANYTHING ELSE TO CAPSLOCK ABOUT
me: wait, is "yard" slang for her cha cha?
Jen: i hope not.
me: maybe she needs to mow it
Jen: this conversation got weird
me: doesn't it always?
Jen: I WAS INNOCENTLY TALKING ABOUT MY CHAI TEA MILKSHAKE AND ITS AWESOME, OKAY?
me: you do know the song i'm talking about, right?
Jen: yes
me: just makin' sure, hee
Jen: but then you're all like, "(SPOILER ALERT) ............... THE YARD IS HER VAGINA!!!"
me: BUT IT TOTALLY IS
Jen: OR MAYBE IT IS JUST A NICE COURTYARD WITH A BENCH AND SOME LOVELY TREES. HOW ABOUT THAT.
me: SURE, AND IN THE MIDDLE OF THAT COURTYARD IS…
HER VAGINA
Jen: IS HER VAGINA SITTING ON THE BENCH, JUST WONDERING
me: no, it's climbing the tree
it wants to fly. a whole new wooooorld
Jen: that's not fair because i don't remember any of the lyrics to that song.
me: SHINING, SHIMMERING SPLENDOR
Jen: SOMETHING SOMETHING SURRENDER
me: a flying CARPET, jen. her RUG.
Jen: OMG
me: what is my brain?
Jen: answer: awesome."
3/17/11: "me: i think GLUTEN is like its own trend
Jen: yeah, GLUTEN is pretty widespread
because it's like evil
me: "have you tried hating GLUTEN yet? it's so NOW"
"your cheeks will be less puffy & everything!"
Jen: right!
me: people won't shut up about the puffy cheeks
WHAT IF YOU WERE PART CHIPMUNK. WHAT THEN.
Jen: haha"
4/8/11: "I'm not excited at the prospect of ~starting over again~ with another job. Nothing feels right. It's been five months again since I saw my nephew & niece…"
6/3/11: "I've begun wanting to find out for myself what really happened, in regards to my stepdad & the girl he abused…Especially since my mom likes to act now like it never happened & he's, quote, a "teddy bear"…Here's what I found…On 12/20/1984, when he was 21 years old & the father of a 1 year old son, he was charged with a felony in the first degree for sodomy. He was also separately charged with sex abuse in the first degree under the same case number."
9/14/11: "…my unemployment claim for last week wasn't paid & is now being adjudicated.
…the minute I hung up the phone with the unemployment chick, I basically just started bawling & couldn't stop…I ended up cutting worse than usual…not just on my thigh but up & down my arm…
…I did call the crisis line…I couldn't stop shivering…they told me they'd approve me getting outpatient therapy paid for by the "general fund", meaning it would be completely free to me.
…Whatever happens, I'm just trying to tell myself that I can ask for help…& don't have to go through it alone."
9/24/11: "…my mind is just like this messy fog of panic & confusion & guilt & sadness, not knowing what to do or how to do it or in what order to do it, like a cognitive state of running into walls, and I suspect if the unemployment claim is denied I'm gonna need someone to hold my hand through brushing my own hair."
10/27/11: "(from one of my Bones fanfics)
Nerves stretched taut,
amp set to eleven,
she likes things to make sense.
A place at the table--this is where I go.
This is why we're here.
…Dividing the universe up
by column & row,
networked cells of painted passion
learned by rote;
her world can only be translated at best,
like geometric
equations
composed by a synesthete.
The beauty is logical.
The table is gone.
Her place doesn't exist."
11/24/11: "I got a message from my sister tonight on my machine…inviting me to her house for a Thanksgiving dinner with the kids…
…I'll just keep repeating it to myself: one day. As an A.A. dude said in the book I'm reading right now, put a wall around today & don't look past it. Sometimes it's what you've got to do."
12/10/11: "My mom had another heart attack yesterday…I never seriously expected my mother would live to see old age…I spent my childhood constantly afraid she was ABOUT to die, and I spent many of my teenage years thinking of how it would probably be a blessing to her--and everyone--if she did, despite knowing how sad & horrible it would be. And of course feeling guilty for even thinking it, & doing all I could to somehow magically prevent it. Now, I struggle with it in all sorts of new ways; I don't want my last words to her to have been in anger…the thought of her alone up there in a hospital bed is tragic; I want to see her get to be finally, truly healthy & happy before she dies; I want her to be the HER I always believed she was & could be when everything else was stripped away…
…My sister said our grandma recently told her that, while she loved her, she never should have been born. That neither of us should've been. It sounds terrible, but I do know what she means."
---
2012
1/20/12: "My mom sent me a random card in the mail…It just makes me sad. I keep thinking lately that I'm going to get a call from my sister telling me she's dead."
1/22/12: "Jay & Izzie and I spent HOURS at the nearby duck pond…which we hadn't done in well over a year…we totally played Pooh Sticks…Jayden remembered! He also remembered how I used to tell him that 'barkdust' was called barkdust because it would literally bark if you just listened closely enough, but that it was so quiet only dogs could usually hear it. Haha. ~Memories~"
2/27/12: "One of the things I'm focusing on with my counselor right now is reminding myself that I can't control others…I'm forever finding new ways in which I have to comprehend this basic premise--that I cannot control what other people think, feel, or do; I can influence probable outcomes, maybe, but that's not the same as utterly controlling them--and it's hard. When we talked about it this week, I actually started crying, and I had to admit that it's frightening for me. It's like I always thought I could say or do the "right" thing to control situations, that I could figure out what the "right" thing even was like some sort of logical puzzle if I just *tried* hard enough & considered all the variables, and she asked me what happened when I inevitably *couldn't* and things sometimes went badly, and the answer was, "I felt like a failure…and I kind of still do.""
3/1/12: (from one of my poems)
"I reminded you that I loved you
like a broken record
at night, in the morning,
when you opened the car door.
…just in case this might be the end…
…I tore myself apart over you,
vowed to never forgive you,
forgot
how to love you…
…Maybe you didn't realize that I was waiting
for you to show me, prove to me
by being well
how much
you loved me back."
3/26/12: "…on Friday my mom's health shouted a big "peace out!" to the universe, and everything since then has been fucking horrible…
…I feel like my world is collapsing in on itself…Most of last night was spent with me sick as a dog & fighting off an endless panic attack, trying to remind myself why this isn't the end of everything…I'm so deeply angry I could rip apart the very fabric of life itself.
…if I'd known she tried to admit herself to two rehab/detox places, one in the last month, but was turned away because of being on dialysis…this alone makes me feel like going literally insane…they denied her getting a kidney transplant…because of being mentally unstable for so long that now it'd be too late…What if she'd stopped abusing pain meds & stimulants & tranquilizers & God knows what else after her first heart attack? What if she'd gotten better mental health treatment back then & wasn't consistently discriminated against & neglected by medical doctors because of being bipolar & (let's be real) an awkward nuisance for them? What if I'd intervened & given her an ultimatum to get treatment years prior? What if nothing were different except I knew she was TRYING & about to die & gave our relationship another chance two weeks ago? Were the last two years even WORTH IT?…This situation has been fundamentally unfair for all of us, including my mom.
…I'd started praying recently again…And while praying I had started asking God/the universe/whatever to help me forgive my parents & to give them peace. I told her that too. I told her that if she woke up, and if she were willing to try, then I'd be willing to try having some kind of relationship again. I told her if she couldn't wake up, then that would be okay too, because I just wanted her to be at peace & know that we loved her. Even when I hated her, I loved her."
3/27/12: "I just watched my mom die. It's not okay. I'm not okay. This world is not okay."
4/1/12: "Remember the recurring dreams I'd had for the past two years where my mom would break into my apartment…and trash the place? Last night I dreamed that I woke up in bed with my mom standing in my room, having cleaned everything."
4/19/12: (from one of my poems)
"Please pause with me here,
and we'll wait it out.
Since we cannot say goodbye,
we'll embody it instead.
We'll be figures
bent like question marks
forgotten on the page."
4/22/12: "Mourning my mother has mostly gotten harder, not easier…sometimes it is almost unbearable. And I say "almost" because I think if you manage to stay alive, and stay lucid, then it's technically bearable. But there was one evening where I almost called a hotline again.
…I'm not sure if I've gone a single day without crying…Without even realizing it, I went three weeks without showering after the funeral. Even in most of my dreams, I cry."
5/6/12: "They say that anger is a stage of grief. They should change it to desperate rage, because that's so much more accurate. It's like I'm in a room with no windows, no doors, and I'm clawing at the walls, trying to climb out."
5/12/12: (From one of my poems)
"Sometimes I realize again
that you're gone,
and I feel like I will go crazy.
Like I will tear this world apart.
My whole life with you appears before me
in panoramic vision,
thirty years laid out like dominoes,
and the ending is all wrong.
Yet every moment led up to this,
you say,
and you cannot fight the past.
Watch me.
I will lay myself down beside you
& shout into the dirt."
6/2/12: "Sometimes in a really fucked up way, just the thought that you might be able to kill yourself tomorrow…is enough to calm you down & help you tolerate what's happening now. Without that, the feeling of being trapped can sometimes be suffocating."
7/10/12: "I'm still dreaming about my mom most nights…I couldn't even stand up in one of them, I was crying so hard. I just crawled along the floor & kept falling."
12/20/12: "Jen-related news: turns out she's building a tiny person inside her uterus. So that's happening."
12/31/12: "the fight I had with my dad…lasted less than two minutes, since he hung up on me, so I guess the more appropriate term might be a "fi…". Like, it doesn't even qualify for the whole word. It was that abrupt.
…Maybe someday my brother and I can reconnect. Maybe someday my dad will change a little for the better. I can hope for those things. But I don't expect them to happen. And I have to accept what is NOW & focus on that. If he dies tomorrow, at least I tried. At least my last words included "I love you.""
---
2013
1/12/13: "Isabella full-on peed in Ziggy's kitty litter box this week.
-The same day as the pee incident, she took a marker & colored herself pink all over…telling my sister that she did it because she "wanted to look like Piglet."
…Last time Jayden was here, something about time travel came up, and he asked me, "SO IT'S NOT REAL?" Apparently this came as a surprise to him. Hahaha."
6/18/13: "I ended up in the ER again on Sunday…after a week of uncontrollable vomiting…I actually fainted once I was there…I came to as I was being placed on a gurney & given oxygen & an EKG & everything. I'd never been tangled up in so many cords before…"
8/6/13: "I had an endoscopy…they were all, "Oh, my God, we can't believe you've been walking around like this/how long have you been feeling like this?!/we're SO glad you finally came in!"…I had so many ulcers they couldn't even count them all, and…an almost complete obstruction between my stomach & the small intestine…
…Then I had surgery…I was kept there about a week and a half the first time…the second time they kept me for six days…The following night I ended up in the ER again…"
9/4/13: "I ended up in the hospital again for two weeks…got put on a psychiatric hold…and got put on a feeding tube…The whole thing is overwhelming to me."
10/9/13: "After I was taken off all my meds at the hospital…and after they raised the dose too much on one after restarting it…I went back to my sister's place a total mess and with akathisia--anxiety absolutely out of control…and I became really suicidal. Enough to where I woke my sister up in the middle of the night & called the police, because my sister's car was broken. So I took an ambulance to a different, better hospital (WAY better), and I stayed in the psych ward for eight days.
…I got an additional diagnosis of OCD…
…I haven't had my period in months, and my hair is falling out again in clumps…I went from 158 lbs to 124 lbs really quickly…
…I saw a lawyer this week, and I've finally started a claim for disability."
10/11/13: "my grief over my mother's death is still an almost constant companion…I still have a sometimes overwhelming amount of regret & shame over how things ended…She could be so cruel & difficult sometimes, which my sister reminded me of tonight, and she reminded me that my mom repeatedly said before dying that she forgave me. And I've forgiven her for all the times she treated me horribly, so I know I should find a way to forgive myself. But I'm just not there yet."
12/11/13: "…the bus passed by our old house…I still have this urge to go there…part of me wants to believe that, if I did, time would reverse and everyone would still be there, including her. Like I'd find her in the kitchen, or even that she'd appear there if I sat down in the abandoned living room & called out for her loudly enough."
12/26/13: "Isabella has been saying a lot of quotable things lately…she randomly went up to my sister the other day & advised her, "don't mess with my funky flow!" Then on another night my sister was getting ready to drive me home, and Izzie was trying to convince us to let her stay home alone using such brilliant arguments as, "I can handle it -- I have muscles!"; "Grammy watches over me. She can babysit me!"; "If there's a fire, I'll just put water on it!"; and finally, my personal favorite, "I won't die of starvation because I have grapes!"
---
2014
1/1/14: "Even in my second year of mourning, it's been like treading water in a violent ocean; I try to accept it, try to keep my head above water, but the waves are still too strong. They pull me under again & again. Meanwhile my ever-present guilt is tied to my ankle like a heavy stone.
…one thing I'm trying to learn about mourning is that there's no timetable for it. Throughout this year I've also spent a lot of time being ashamed of the sheer repetition of my grief, of my own mental illness, and my troubles in general. Like, aren't you done being miserable yet?! As if it were all my fault. In 2014 I'd like to try to make peace with that as well."
2/6/14: "I turned 32 in January, and my sister threw a cute little party for me with her kids. I even had a princess hat, hee…
I got my first ever cell phone…now I feel less like an Amish person."
3/23/14: "Last time I was at my sister's, both the kids kept asking her to leave because it was (according to Jayden) "Ti-Ti Time". Hee. Even the math counted as Ti-Ti Time! And he is NOT a fan of homework.
……[my surgeon] removed my feeding tube…When I first got it last fall, I really didn't think I could handle it, but I made it six months."
4/22/14: "my GI doctor told me that the endoscopies weren't working after all…and that I'd need surgery again…When I saw my surgeon to discuss it, I had a pulse of 148, and I burst into tears. My first instinct after leaving was to call my mom, and I still haven't shaken the feeling…I'm scared.
…Out of nowhere, Jay asked me, "Do you ever wonder what existed before the universe was created, like whatever was there TO create it? Like, before the Big Bang? Or before God?" Meanwhile I used to OBSESS over that at his age…Then he added, "And what about what's BEYOND the universe? Where does it end? How could it go on FOREVER?" (note: he also knew about the universe expanding & was like, "but what is it expanding INTO?") I just laughed for like a minute straight & was like, "ARE YOU ME?! JAY, I STILL WONDER ABOUT THAT." Later I told my sister, and she cracked up even harder, asking "HOW DID HE NOT COME OUT OF YOUR UTERUS?" and I was like, "I DON'T KNOW!" Hahaha…
…after they got home that day, my niece told my sister that she'd seen our mom sitting next to her, and that she'd told her to let Jayden know it was "okay" he "didn't get to say goodbye.""
5/17/14: "I got approved for disability (ssdi for those familiar with the process)."
6/6/14: "I stayed with my sister for almost a month…
…It was great to spend all that time with the kids…I got to talk with them a lot and just watch them & their pillow-fighting hijinks…The same night I left, Izzie got on the phone & ordered me to come back, hee. Of course we did go for some walks together…we cuddled while watching things, and I tried getting him to watch X-Files, and he acted like the 1990s were the 1950s, and I felt super old. Also, he's basically as tall as me now. HOW DID THIS HAPPEN.
Oh, and P.S. Izzie calls me "Auntie Slow Poke" now. She thinks it's hilarious. She also…has a black & white striped fedora that she wears all the time. She looks like a miniature hipster."
7/8/14: "I'm home from my vacation to the happiest place on Earth, much poorer, and sunburned all over…"
8/25/14: "I've been in the local psych ward for roughly the past two weeks -- separated into two stays a few days apart. So now I've technically been in a mental ward three times in my life. Go, team!
…During our drive home, [Corinne] went fucking NUTS…said, "I hope you do commit suicide, and I hope it works.""
9/2/14: "I lost my shit while talking to the suicide hotline…then got put in another psych ward for 5 days…"
11/4/14: "I've been trying to forgive…not forget…As my counselor put it, I don't have to try to see [my stepdad] as a father-like figure again -- he can just be a weird relative whom it's more difficult than it's worth to avoid, e.g. on holidays or at Jayden & Izzie's birthday parties…and it just felt right in terms of helping me heal & let go of the hurt & resentment I have all pent up inside about him. I'm still deeply angry with him, don't get me wrong, but I know that anger hurts me more than it does him at this point, as legitimate as it is."
11/9/14: "Last night I had a really interesting dream…I was in Heaven…I saw my great-grandma…I was like, "how are you?", and she's like, "I'm doing great, honey," and I'm like, "Well, I'm not doing so great," and I started crying, and she's like, "I know."
…I hate my scars but want to cover my body with them -- cover ME, scratch me out like a drawing gone wrong."
11/29/14: "I had never been to the E.R. for a migraine in my life before, and over the last month I went four times, in addition to going to urgent care once. And some of that was because I felt like I was losing my mind…
…I started having panic attacks that were lasting days on end…the only thing I could think to do was call people & talk to them, because it would keep me from going into the bathroom & killing myself.
…I went to my sister's, and I stayed for three days…
…Nanny said, "it makes me so sad to see you following in your mother's footsteps…""
12/3/14: "…after I talked with Jen on the phone last night, I finally threw out my razors…I feel like that was important."
12/31/14: "I did make it to meet with my new psychiatrist today…She…agreed with the provisional diagnosis I was given in the hospital of PTSD…She said that benzos can keep you from "processing" your traumas, which I'm not sure I agree with, but she's the professional. I feel like all I've BEEN doing the last few years is processing my traumas…I remember watching a documentary about traumatized children once, and the therapy they received was called "scream therapy", where all the kids just screamed their heads off together…sometimes I wish I had a place where I could do that."
---
2015
2/26/15: "I had a really intense dream about my mom…she walked up to me, kissed me on the forehead, and said, "you're going to be okay." She told me some other things too, including the fact that I needed to let go of my guilt…"
3/25/15: "…my non-stop anxiety has lessened a lot…my depression seems to have worsened…It snuck up on me gradually…now I find myself sleeping 14-18 hours a day…I'm dragging around an extremely heavy suit of blank, numb listlessness everywhere I go. Except for rare moments, I don't cry -- the furthest I usually get is a heavy ache in my chest or a knot in my throat. My psychiatrist thinks it's a mix of PTSD symptoms…we're finally going to start tapering me off the Klonopin…
…It's hard to explain to my sister, because a few months ago, I couldn't STAND to be alone. Now I can barely stand to be around people…I went over to my sister's yesterday & was only able to spend about two hours there before taking the bus home, and it made Izzie cry.
…doing anything right now, even getting myself to muster up the spirit to write this, is like freaking pole-vaulting with atrophied muscles."
4/1/15: "Random funnyness: I asked Isabella how her day was, and she went, "None of your business! Why don't you go read my diary? But you can't, because I hide it! And I lost the key!" Hee! I asked her what I'd find in her diary, and--after telling me it was none of my business one more time--she said, "I don't know, probably something about kissing people on the mouth." I swear, she cracks me up so hard sometimes."
4/11/15: "Jayden has now realized that I can't tell when he's being sarcastic, and he thinks it's hilarious…His favorite method is to ask me a ~giant-head~ type question…something I'll immediately start rambling about, all lost in the clouds of my giant-head world, and then he'll blurt out, "YEAH, I DON'T CARE." Then I usually shove him & tell him to shut up, haha."
4/21/15: "It was just like a flick of a switch…The day after the anniversary of my mom's death, I stopped sleeping…
…when I was thinking about being suicidal, my sister called me & told me that a flashlight in Jayden's room had turned on by itself…when she went to turn it off, she smelled my mom…got a sudden urge to call me…I've been feeling like my mom's with me all the time lately."
5/3/15: "I feel like life is…pummeling me from every direction…leaving me no escape…It's like I'm hanging off a cliff, and I'm trying to hold on, but my fingers are slipping, and I don't have a rope. My sister treats it like a clear-headed choice…but no one gets mad at someone for jumping out a window when the building's on fire, y'know? That building right now is my mind, and it's filled with smoke.
…I had another dream where I felt like [my mom] was visiting me…said "I love you," paused, and continued with, "you *are* going to be okay.""
5/24/15: "…my depression is not only not better, but it may actually be worse…I can't find my way out…Even carrying on a normal conversation with someone is extremely draining. It takes such energy just to speak or move; it's like fighting your way from the ocean floor all the way to the surface repeatedly…
…my mind just keeps circling around the same thought: it's never going to be okay again…I will forever be walking around this Earth with a piece of me missing, lugging around a bag of regrets…I can't accept a future in which [my mom] won't exist."
6/1/15: "…there was a surprise clip (on the home videos I was given)…a freaking sex tape between my mom & step-dad. BECAUSE THAT'S JUST WHAT I WAS MISSING IN MY LIFE…
…(after being put on Lithium) my hand tremor worsened significantly…I couldn't pee & had blurred vision…I was also starting to have auditory hallucinations…I also had wicked nausea, and spent an entire night vomiting…
I had the same recurring, severe ("severe" as in enough to visit the ER twice in 48 hours & go almost completely without sleep) migraine for something like four days, I think, and it was TERRIBLE…
At one point, no one was available to talk, and I was completely freaking out, so I called my county's crisis line, and they were like, "this is a medical issue; we can't help you." I was sobbing on the phone with them, and they just could not have given less of a fuck.
…it might be silly, but I just can't ignore the fact that all this stopped on May 31st, the day I said I'd live until."
7/4/15: Should I get dressed today?
I can't move my body.
Surely, I wasn't meant to live this long.
I'm past my expiration date like bad milk.
…Depression lies,
you'll remember later,
but you'll forget again."
7/9/15: "I had a dream about my grandpa…it was just him giving me a really tight hug…I cried, and I said to him, "I'm really glad you visited me"…and he goes, "I'm really glad I visited you too.""
7/16/15: "The anxiety's like this big looming monster I want to fight off, but every time I take a swing at it, it shifts its position & attacks from a different angle. So I'm left sitting here with the lights off, everything quiet, trying to calm my mind--put all the buzzing bees to sleep--but I still want to curl up in a ball & cry out pointlessly for help while I beat my head with my fists."
7/28/15: "…Izzie said today, "I want Auntie Rachael to come over, but she won't, because she never wants to see us anymore."
It's so unfair. I feel like I can't live without bringing people pain, and I can't die without doing it either."
10/3/15: "I called my apartment manager, and she told me…if I renewed my lease, I would have to start paying $835/month…That's a rent increase of $190, people.
…In desperation, I called Joe…I knew there was a chance he might be willing to help…I'm just gonna have to learn to deal with whatever anxiety having a relationship with him creates for me…Anyway, clearly the hallucinations aren't all about him, because I've been having them all week since my mom's birthday…they worsened on my brother's birthday…So, he may be a trigger for me, but it's not like he's the only one."
10/11/15: "Isabella is NOT GIVING UP on my sister having another baby, lack of uterus be damned. She continues to interrogate her as to WHY she can't just adopt, and WHY she can't just use me as her surrogate (like, do I get a say in this matter? Hee). She is seriously determined."
10/20/15: "I did get to play with Izzie for a bit before we left…As always, she was hilarious that entire day without even trying. Oh, you'd like examples? No problem:
1. She asked me if I'd "cycled" yet (she literally used those exact words), then asked me if I knew I could adopt or use a surrogate to have a baby. I can't even.
2. She wore her vampire costume all day, even to the pumpkin patch, and insisted on bringing two baby dolls with her as well. She got a lot of looks, haha.
3. We went to Roloff Farms…and apparently the slide there was "aggravating." Again, quoting verbatim.
4. At one point, she cuddled up to me…and I asked her, "What am I gonna do when you're too big to cuddle?" Her answer? "I guess you'll just have to deal with it." Hee! Tellin' it like it is."
10/30/15: "…lately I've been getting really anxious by around 5 o'clock in the evening, because I'm like, "ISN'T TODAY OVER YET? HOW AM I GONNA MAKE IT?", especially since I've been waking up around 2 to 4 a.m. every morning…that's a long-ass day when you have nothing to do but wring your hands & stress the fuck out."
11/16/15: "…there's a deadening effect that seems like it's being lifted, bit by bit…and while I still experience the numbness sometimes--particularly when depression is running the show--I've been noticing myself feeling more present lately, like consciously in my body & in the moment, and at times my reaction to that is either to panic or dissociate. Like things feel *too real* if that even makes sense…It reminds me of free-falling…like suddenly you realize the ground beneath you is gone & you have nothing to hold onto."
11/19/15: "Jay meanwhile was a complete darling to me all night, giving me hugs & calling them "Jayden traps". He specifically asked for a Tia Trap, too, which warmed my heart. I'm so glad he's not too old to enjoy me attacking him with inescapable hugs yet, heh.
…Apparently Jay thought I was only around 26 years old…He told me I looked 19, and I was like, "Aw, thank you, Jay," and he literally replied, "You're very welcome!" HE IS SUCH A SWEETHEART, I CANNOT DEAL."
11/22/15: (from a poem I wrote for my sister)
"Tragically,
hope has seemingly revealed itself
to be a laughable luxury for us,
one which your heart can no longer afford.
Your account has simply been overdrawn
too many times.
Still, you keep hope's remnants
tucked safely away beneath your mattress,
assuring yourself that
someday
you just might find the right needle & thread
to sew your soul back together again.
It's either that
or you'll fake it 'til you make it
if you have to.
And you always have to."
Nov. 23rd: "I did have the kids over to my place on Saturday for a special auntie-only movie night…we all snuggled up together on the couch (where Izzie kept giving me cheek & forehead kisses, aww)…Izzie also wanted to inform me that I needed an air-freshener for my bathroom, while Jayden was all ~surprised~ I had done the dishes. Then she turned to me & we had the following exchange, verbatim:
Izzie: I have a serious question for you.
Me: Oh, um...okay. What?
Izzie: Do you EVER vacuum?
Seriously. Everyone's a critic! Haha."
---
2016
1/2/16: "Somewhere along the way, I decided to try to commit to living…That doesn't mean I don't still get suicidal, because I do…but I think it matters that I at least try to tell myself it's not an option anymore."
3/14/16: "I have a shiny new diagnosis: panic disorder."
3/18/16: "I've been relying heavily on the muscle relaxers my doctor gave me + 3 or 4 benadryl at a time…I've had to go from saying "one day at a time" to "one hour at a time" or "ten minutes at a time."
…The evenings in particular are often damned near unbearable…like I have this primal urge to run at full speed into a brick wall just to knock myself out & make myself unaware of all the thoughts & feelings simmering inside of me…I'm pretty much experiencing an ongoing fight or flight response, which can last for hours at a time."
3/20/16: "I landed in an ER last night after taking a ridiculous mess of medications in a foolish & reckless attempt to quell my can't-stop-won't-stop panic…"
3/29/16: "This weekend was the first time in two weeks that I actually slept more than 3-4 hours. It's been super frustrating, as are the terrible, vicious migraines I've been getting. I spent almost all of last week in bed…
…[My sister] seems to be treating me very similarly to how we both used to treat our mom when we'd run out of patience/compassion for her shenanigans…
…I'm at a crossroads in terms of misusing medications & possibly heading down the road towards addiction if I don't change how I respond to my feelings in the future."
5/5/16: "…after only three months here, I have to move. Yes, AGAIN…
…I've decided to temporarily stay with my sister…
…My spirit feels like it's been stomped upon."
5/29/16: "Izzie has said about a thousand hilarious, random things to me since I arrived, but right now I can only remember four, which I'll go ahead & share:
1. "Tonight, I'm a party, and only Isabella is invited."
2. (when asked what she'd do if a stranger approached her & tried to get her to come with them) "I have a lot of choking in me, but I don't let it out. I have a little Grammy in me." She then demonstrated her air-kicking abilities.
3. "Can we go in the sewer? I want to meet the ninja turtles."
4. "I'm freeing the sticks, because I want to help things. That's the circle of life. I should definitely be on the news."
6/21/16: "I got that studio apartment in downtown Portland!"
8/14/16: "I actually wrote a note -- I was debating whether to just go take more pills & just be done with it…
…I want to completely escape how I'm feeling, completely escape what I'm thinking."
9/15/16: "I spent the last nine days in medical detox/inpatient treatment."
9/28/16: "After being on [Klonopin] on a daily basis for years…and after being put on high doses for long periods of time…I not only gained a tolerance…but also began to experience really bad rebound anxiety.
…I found myself unable to continue taking less than I was supposed to on enough days to make up for all the days I took *more* than I was supposed to."
11/16/16: "I have 30 days clean & sober from benzos, alcohol, self-harm, and marijuana edibles."
---
2017
1/2/17: "In retrospect, 2016 was a year of being utterly stripped of my defenses. I had no idea what was next from start to finish…I had to admit that I was not in control of so many things…I'm still struggling daily with depression, anxiety, & C-PTSD, but I no longer want to off myself, and that's huge. I have hope that a year from now, I'll be able to identify even more steps in the right direction, wherever that may lead me."
2/4/17: "I've only had two piano lessons so far but my teacher says I'm progressing really rapidly. She also said, "I really think you're gifted…probably the best student I've ever had.""
3/22/17: "I performed at a talent show at the Alano Club (with my poetry)…and got a great reaction. I even made one woman cry!
(from one of my poems):
"…I never stopped to predict
how part of me would someday miss
the busy preoccupation of chaos,
or the sudden rise
before the fall.
No one warned me
how utterly still the sky would be
once she was gone --
dotted miles of wreckage
left perpetually on pause;
the memory
of her pretty, raspy voice
fading impossibly away."
4/10/17: "…in OMG!what? news, my stepbrother reached out to me & my sister on facebook recently…apparently my post about the anniversary of my mom's death had an impact on him, and he said it made him feel like life was too short not to at least give resuming contact a try."
7/14/17: "…my stepbrother, Jojo, unexpectedly committed suicide…"
8/24/17: (from a poem about my stepbrother)
"But then you left me in the trenches
to crouch, alone,
on blackened soil,
while plumes of fire rained down
from an endless sky.
…Your face eventually began to fade --
nothing more than a reflection in the water
broken by a stone,
concentric circles reaching
forever outward, just trying to hold on
to the impossible image
of how things could have been.
Make that should have been."
10/21/17: "I got one year clean/sober…I'm still working on allowing myself to feel proud of that, though, because part of me thinks, "Oh, my "bottom" was way higher than most of the people I meet in N.A. or A.A., so it doesn't really mean as much"…Others have tried to impress upon me the fact that addiction is addiction…a spiritual/emotional bottom can be just as bad as one that involves homelessness or jail."
12/30/17: "The day after Christmas, my sponsor accompanied me to my mom's grave site, where I read a letter I had written to her as part of my work on Step 9…I was able to walk away feeling lighter, and though I know this doesn't erase all the angst or grief between us, I do feel like I have a bit more closure now."
---
2018
1/1/18: "2016 was all about me climbing out of the deep hole…I'd fallen into over the previous 6 years. 2017, in contrast, was mostly about me attempting to stay out of that hole, and to continue moving forward on level ground. Looking back, I think I did pretty well with that. I didn't intentionally cut, scratch, or burn myself once. I never again found myself methodically planning my own suicide…I had brief periods where I felt like giving up, but I never did. Today, I keep my home clean. I actually do laundry. I wash my freaking face. I don't go weeks without showering or 6 months without vacuuming. I've learned a whole new instrument. I have friends…I'm volunteering…working the steps, and being of service at meetings. I even found the most un-churchy of churches to attend. Things are better, and I have hope. I know it's a work-in-progress…but things are going in an upward direction now, rather than a continually tumbling snowball of destruction. That means something to me."
2/8/18: I turned 36 this January…I can acknowledge that I am about to sound gullible & insane to some of you, but I feel about 90% sure that my mom's spirit visited me & my sister the night before my birthday."
4/26/18: "Stuff in recovery has been hard lately, and it's really been stretching my coping skills to their very limit…I'm definitely struggling with some issues of self-worth, belonging, and abandonment. But the good news is that, as much as I'm sometimes resentful & bitter towards the fellowship that has basically saved my life, the fact remains that it HAS saved my life, at least in part, and I do have tools in my toolbox to help me walk through times like these. It's just a matter of being willing to reach for them, which is not always easy."
8/16/18: "So remember how a couple entries ago, I was all, "Things are going great with my sponsor! I love her a lot!" Yeah, well, that went kerblooey…We were fine, & everything was great…and then suddenly that was done. Like one minor disagreement over the phone & she'd HAD IT…
…Honestly, I still feel blindsided by the whole thing…
…I do have a new sponsor now…She's different than my old sponsor in that she's very outspoken & direct -- to the point where I do find her somewhat intimidating…but at least that means I think she'll be upfront with me from the start.
Another new development is that I'll hopefully be volunteering at The Dougy Center starting in the fall…
10/7/18: "My piano teacher suddenly died last week…and it hit me really hard…I always knew what to expect from her, and it was always the same thing -- kindness, encouragement, and generosity. I know she didn't have the best relationship with her kids, and I think to some extent she appreciated having someone she could "mother", for lack of a better word. I appreciated it too…I found it really reassuring, particularly because I certainly didn't know what to expect from the rest of my recovery…As sad as I am about her death, I am grateful we had the chance to know one another when we did.
Because the universe thinks it's cute, her funeral ended up literally on my mom's birthday…
…this past Friday (10/5/18) marked my two-year anniversary/clean date.
…What matters is that I'm not going through withdrawal today. I'm not in a psych ward today. I'm able to be present for the people I love. I don't have bandages all over my thighs. I don't want to die. I have at least a little bit of hope for my future. I'm trying new things. I'm making new friends. I'm continuing to move forward -- one step, one day at a time. And the fact that I'm doing all that clean/sober is an accomplishment I can be proud of, despite the fact that pride is still an emotion I feel pretty uncomfortable sharing."
12/14/18: "Things are also going all right with my new NA sponsor, and I'm growing to like her more & more. I don't find her as intimidating as I did at first…she's a lot gentler with me than I assumed she would be, and she has a lot of wisdom & experience in the program.
…a little less than two weeks ago, I had the worst panic attack I've had in like two years."
---
2019
2/2/19: "One positive thing I can report is that I have a part-time freelancing gig transcribing audio files from home."
3/9/19: "I've had several more major panic attacks in the last few weeks, the first of which hit its peak right when I was at the movies with my nephew…
…I ended up doing another IOP program…
…I'm also going to be adding in the psychologist who helped me overcome my Social Anxiety Disorder back in my early twenties."
6/29/19: "I was able to come to the conclusion while I was there that my choice to let myself begin frequently taking benzos again--even if it wasn't the specific one I'd had a problem with before--had been a mistake. At least as far as having a prescription for them outside the hospital goes. I'm still undecided whether I will let them give it to me if I end up at the ER again.
…They did at least get me set up to do another round of IOP though, at Cedar Hills Hospital again.
…As disappointing as it is, and as anxious as it makes me, I had to make the hard decision that [my old psychologist] wasn't the right fit for me anymore."
9/28/19: "I ended up at the ER again…they suggested yet another IOP program (my third this year)…And then…a less time-consuming program that teaches Acceptance and Commitment therapy.
…I also applied to get back on the waitlist for the Portland DBT Institute.
On one hand, I did feel like I was making progress for a while. I went to the movies on a few occasions, and I went for an overnight trip to Sunriver with my family…I felt like I was getting better at reassuring myself and practicing acceptance around my anxiety, which was lessening both the frequency and severity of my panic attacks. But on the other hand, I made two trips to the ER in the last month or so…
…Overall, it was one of the worst experiences I've ever had (being at Unity again), and I definitely see it as hitting a bottom…
…I've been texting off and on with my half-brother, Kyle, for a while now, and it feels very healing. It had been making me sad for years now that we didn't really talk anymore, because we were so close while he was growing up (before they moved out of state when he was 12. He's 29 now). I'm so proud of him too, as he's returning to school for a second bachelor's, this time in neuroscience."
12/31/19: "I finished the Acceptance and Commitment therapy group…and though I do think I got a few helpful skills from it, mostly it just left me confused…
And while I wish I could say my trips to the ER decreased during this time, what actually happened was the opposite…
Unfortunately (or maybe fortunately, depending on how you look at it), the doctor at my last visit (in the wee hours of Christmas morning) informed me she was going to put it in my file not to give me benzos anymore…
I decided to try CBD oil again…
…I've run into my old sponsor a couple times recently, and it's gone okay…I'll never probably have the exact closure I wanted, but…I do feel some measure of peace around it, especially as it led to me finding my current sponsor, who I think is a good fit for me at this time in my life.
…As far as how my recovery is going otherwise, I'm waiting to go over Step 5 with my sponsor, and I have several service positions at various meetings…I've also recently made friends with a great group of guys…
…my sister gave [our stepdad] a hug, which is something neither of us almost ever do (and something we certainly won't be doing at all after this), and she said he pinched her breast when she did it. It's completely crazy-making because he's acted totally normal ever since…
I do have a handful of goals for 2020…to wake up no later than 9 am every day…to practice piano every day and stop missing so many lessons; to learn new coping skills for my anxiety & maintain the willingness to actually put those skills into practice; to finish the steps and make myself available to sponsor others; to put more effort into online dating and go on at least one date with someone; to do peer support training; continue my volunteer roles and add at least one more; do a little yoga or tai chi every day; take a walk every day; meditate at least once a day; cook more often; spend more one-on-one time with my niece and nephew; start making regular time again for drawing and painting…and maybe even attempt to get back into creative writing again, whether through poetry or fanfic."
(not that I have high expectations of myself or anything! *rolls eyes*)
And that's it, folks! If any of you actually read this to the end, I commend you! I know it's long as hell, but hopefully it speaks to someone, somewhere. I'm glad I didn't know 10 years ago everything I'd have to go through between then and now, but I'm also proud of how I've grown and evolved. It shows me that changes for the better are possible, even if they are utterly unforeseen and long overdue. I hope that 10 years from now, I'm able to say the same thing.