Picking at scabs
Once again I'm worrying about worry. For the last week or more I've been waking between 4:00 and 4:30 with a shot of anxiety that prevents me from going back to sleep. A couple of mornings in San Diego I was able to get back to sleep for another hour or so, but otherwise I've been waking up that early regardless of how late I make myself stay up. Now I'm worried that my little shots of anxiety juice are going to interfere with my chances of conception, or being so anxious will make me have an anxious baby. So silly! Worrying about worry...
As for the cause of the anxiety: last week I was seriously considering engaging in conversation with Andy. I thought I'd try a new (for me) approach to recovery: engagement and empathy. With some invaluable feedback from my lj friends, mom and Suzanne I realized it was a bad idea, because I just couldn't let go of my grievances. Too soon! I wanted to reprimand him so badly! No one likes that, even if they deserve it. And as mom pointed out, don't we all deserve it? So I decided to leave it alone. But then he emailed me, so I grabbed the opportunity to engage. (Why is it so hard to let go?) Instead of giving him a piece of my mind, I simply asked him the questions that had left me feeling so bewildered. It felt like something I really needed to do in order to process what had happened. His answers did in fact clear up my confusions, which was a relief in many ways. Sweet clarity! That helped get me past the denial stage at least. But his answers also infuriated me beyond what I had been feeling before. Grrrr! Again, I kept my accusations to myself, but practically dared him to ask me for my opinion. (He mistook my anger as a response to the tone of his answer, rather than the content. I couldn't help myself.) How dearly I want to tear him a new one!
But when I woke up this morning with another big shot of anxiety, I realized that maintaining a conversation with him is the root of it. This bout of insomnia started at the same time I seriously thought about emailing him. Thrashing him, as satisfying as it might be for a second, would only prolong my own anxiety. I would be anticipating his response, playing offense and defense... nothing good could come of it. So I disengaged. Again. Although this time I made it pretty clear that I don't want any contact. It's obvious enough that whatever it is that I need to get past this, he can't provide it.
So then, it's time to let go and let Jerry. Time to focus on peace of mind and being well. It's frustrating and disappointing to me that I'm having such a hard time letting go. I'd like to be self-possessed enough to let go of anger and resentment on command. But I guess it takes as long as it takes, and if I'm not done processing then I guess I'm not done.
Damn, I'm so very tired! I... choose.... miracleszzzzz....
As for the cause of the anxiety: last week I was seriously considering engaging in conversation with Andy. I thought I'd try a new (for me) approach to recovery: engagement and empathy. With some invaluable feedback from my lj friends, mom and Suzanne I realized it was a bad idea, because I just couldn't let go of my grievances. Too soon! I wanted to reprimand him so badly! No one likes that, even if they deserve it. And as mom pointed out, don't we all deserve it? So I decided to leave it alone. But then he emailed me, so I grabbed the opportunity to engage. (Why is it so hard to let go?) Instead of giving him a piece of my mind, I simply asked him the questions that had left me feeling so bewildered. It felt like something I really needed to do in order to process what had happened. His answers did in fact clear up my confusions, which was a relief in many ways. Sweet clarity! That helped get me past the denial stage at least. But his answers also infuriated me beyond what I had been feeling before. Grrrr! Again, I kept my accusations to myself, but practically dared him to ask me for my opinion. (He mistook my anger as a response to the tone of his answer, rather than the content. I couldn't help myself.) How dearly I want to tear him a new one!
But when I woke up this morning with another big shot of anxiety, I realized that maintaining a conversation with him is the root of it. This bout of insomnia started at the same time I seriously thought about emailing him. Thrashing him, as satisfying as it might be for a second, would only prolong my own anxiety. I would be anticipating his response, playing offense and defense... nothing good could come of it. So I disengaged. Again. Although this time I made it pretty clear that I don't want any contact. It's obvious enough that whatever it is that I need to get past this, he can't provide it.
So then, it's time to let go and let Jerry. Time to focus on peace of mind and being well. It's frustrating and disappointing to me that I'm having such a hard time letting go. I'd like to be self-possessed enough to let go of anger and resentment on command. But I guess it takes as long as it takes, and if I'm not done processing then I guess I'm not done.
Damn, I'm so very tired! I... choose.... miracleszzzzz....