cuz i feel like i might need to be near you...
almost exactly two years ago this same thing happened. but there was a huge difference. i didn't care. i knew i would be fine, and probably better off. that's not to say it was easy. it wasn't. but it was nowhere near this bad. i didn't care to go back there then. and back there was only a few months before.
it's been over two years. i've grown to accept my body and what i look like. i've become comfortable with myself. and yet, with this i just want to write off the past two years, pretend they never happened and go back to what i know. because i can still remember exactly what it felt like. that feeling i would get from it, how it made everything okay for longer than anything else. i've spent these last two years trying to find a replacement. nothing measures up.
i don't want to be that person who can't leave it alone. who keeps going back. but i seriously hate myself right now, my actions and worse, what i should have done but never did. hind sight is 20/20 and all, but i still should have known from experience what was going on. it was the same, but the stakes were soooo much higher this time around.
i keep going from completely and utterly numb, like nothing happened and everything is perfect, to the moments when i realize that i fucked up. badly. and again. and i had so much to lose. i went all in, but then didn't realize that i needed to back off and put in a little more. so i'm fine and numb or running away to my room to cry. i hate crying. it gives me a migrane. however the hell you spell it.
i miss old trusty. that always got me through. i'm probably lucky that he's at home right now, i keep telling myself to make it through one more day. and i guess i am. i'm still here. but it's not the same.
i don't want to be another crazy one on the list. but the way things are going, i am a crazy one. and i have officially been demoted to another one on the list. this sucks. i don't know what to do anymore.
on the bright side, my english prof persuaded me to submit one of my poems to our lit mag and it got puublished. but then again, my friend's didn't. so that's not cool. and i'm honestly scared to let them attatch my name to it. i know i shouldn't be, but i am. it makes me feel vulnerable. and i don't like that feeling. so maybe not so much on the bright side. boo life. seriously.
it's been over two years. i've grown to accept my body and what i look like. i've become comfortable with myself. and yet, with this i just want to write off the past two years, pretend they never happened and go back to what i know. because i can still remember exactly what it felt like. that feeling i would get from it, how it made everything okay for longer than anything else. i've spent these last two years trying to find a replacement. nothing measures up.
i don't want to be that person who can't leave it alone. who keeps going back. but i seriously hate myself right now, my actions and worse, what i should have done but never did. hind sight is 20/20 and all, but i still should have known from experience what was going on. it was the same, but the stakes were soooo much higher this time around.
i keep going from completely and utterly numb, like nothing happened and everything is perfect, to the moments when i realize that i fucked up. badly. and again. and i had so much to lose. i went all in, but then didn't realize that i needed to back off and put in a little more. so i'm fine and numb or running away to my room to cry. i hate crying. it gives me a migrane. however the hell you spell it.
i miss old trusty. that always got me through. i'm probably lucky that he's at home right now, i keep telling myself to make it through one more day. and i guess i am. i'm still here. but it's not the same.
i don't want to be another crazy one on the list. but the way things are going, i am a crazy one. and i have officially been demoted to another one on the list. this sucks. i don't know what to do anymore.
on the bright side, my english prof persuaded me to submit one of my poems to our lit mag and it got puublished. but then again, my friend's didn't. so that's not cool. and i'm honestly scared to let them attatch my name to it. i know i shouldn't be, but i am. it makes me feel vulnerable. and i don't like that feeling. so maybe not so much on the bright side. boo life. seriously.