It's all over
So Matt and I are completely over, duh, totally makes sense with all that went down, but still, it is really hard when you can actually see your future with someone else and totally trust them, and then wham, it is all thrown topsy turvy and you don't know what to think or how to feel. I did finally get to talk to him last night, I called, and it was just a bunch of lies. I think maybe both were lying, but the point is he admitted to seeing her while he was with me, but kept claiming she was black mailing him with suicide. Whatever, he is a freaking deputy sheriff, he should know how to deal with crap like this. I just kept finding other things too that he was lying about. Yeah, so he was "with" as in sexually, her while we were dating. I am so glad I stick so much to my morals and values and have yet to give in to anyone in that way because so far it would have been a waste. He was buying her all kinds of things too and then went and had brunch with her family yesterday morning for her b-day, what the hell! So we talked last night and decided to meet today and figure it all out. We met at Starbucks and when I got there he was already sitting there with his coffee and didn't even get up to greet me! He finally apologized but all I said was, it's about time, but I can't say it's ok because I know it's not. Our convo just kept going in circles and it was driving me nuts! I told him I was willing to give him another chance but he would have to prove himself to me and build everything back up. Yeah, he was not willing to do that even though he kept saying how much he cared about me and blah blah blah. I just told him that if he really cared about me like he said this would not even be an issue for him and that he would jump at the chance. He just kept being so wishy washy so I told him he was wasting my time and I'd rather be getting something accomplished so I should just go do some HW instead. Well, then a family came up and I was getting angry at Matt so he wanted to go talk somewhere else so I just said, What Matt, too embarassed for people to hear about what you did? At this point I was freaking sick of his crap and knew he was BSing me so we only talked for a bit longer. It got to the point where he said he thought we needed a break so he could work it all out, and I told him I thought he had it all fixed and he said there was more. He also kept saying he wanted to be with me but it wasn't the right thing because of how much he damaged us and I told him right and wrong didn't seem to matter this past month. Whatever, he kept going in circles so I told him, hey, here is your chance, take it or leave it, I am not gonna wait around for you, I deserve better and am not gonna deal with anything like a break. At this time I was really upset and it was freaking cold so he just said, well I guess you should go. I was so ticked here that I told him, ok, this is it? He nodded (his eyes were all red but it was probably an act). So here I am really pissed, and when I a m mad I cuss and get emotional so I told him he was an F-ing A and messed up my life (not really, I just kinda don't think when I talk when I am pissed, though he further compounded my trust issues in relationships) and that he better not ever F-ing to try to talk to me again because I never want to hear from him or see his face again. At this point I walk off and drive away and that is it. So yeah, that was my lovely day. Ugh, this has so been bothering me lately that I just keep waking up sick and haven't been able to go to the gym and that makes me mad. Tomorrow I better go dang it, I have a lot of anger to get out of this body! So now again I sit here, needing a flipping date but at the same time not even wanting to set myself up again because I just keep getting hurt over and over. I even asked Matt what it was about me that just triggers people to cheat on me because it happens so often! LOL well I have laughed a bit about it too, earlier today talking to some friends at a baseball game, telling them I have a psycho magnet on me with Richard and Matt being total weirdos. Oh well, there is someone better out there for me and I will so appreciate him, now if only I will be able to trust people....So, as part of this I went to see my friends the McKinsey's and went to church with them on Sun and I think I am gonna stick with that. I admit, religion has been a bit hard for me to swallow because I am so logical in thought, but what they were preaching yesterday about life really got to me and then on Sat night I went out and some of our friends were having a bible reading and that really made sense to me too. So maybe this whole Matt thing was just a way of guiding me to church because without this whole ordeal me going to church wouldn't have happened and who knows, this just might change my life and give me the direction I need. Ok, well I have decided to no longer have my Love/relationship thought of the day as Jaime and I talked about it tonight and realized it might be jinxing me, so I bought a new book tonight (surprise, surprise I bought a book, lol) called "Witty Words from Wise Women" and I am going to use a quote from that for each update, so here goes Witty Words of the Day: Wit has truth in it; wisecracking is simply calisthenics with words"-Dorothy Parker. Hmm ok, well if anyone has any love advice for me, please, let me know, I am so bad in relationships, or maybe, they are so bad to me...