Innocent Rain, Chapter 11

[saxon_jesus]

Title: Innocent Rain
Pairings: Lavi/Kanda, Allen/Lenalee
Rating: R (yes, R is worse than M in our books)
Warnings: Language. Lots of it, innuendo, homo/heterosexual romance (that may get graphic--for which we will warn), violence, some tragic elements, etc.
Summary: One hundred and fourteen years after the supposed "final battle" with the Earl, a group of five Exorcists awake to discover that their enemies were not as vanquished as they thought...
Disclaimer: We own nothing. Except our original characters.

Sorry for not being here, guys! The break was excruciatingly long, and we can't wait to write more. First, though, we decided to get a chappy out to you :D

Warnings for this chapter: THIS CHAPTER IS NOT WORKSAFE! :D There is a good amount of naked-type-scenes that involve nakedness... and physical-type contact. And ANGST.... and that's it. Oh, and continuation of our worst plot point! :D:D:D

Chapter 11-Uncomfortably Numb

Lavi shifted uncomfortably in the wooden chair. It was straight-backed, and it cut painfully into the middle of his back. It was also too small, and his knees came up too high for him to find any form of relaxation in it.

“Exorcist Lavi, do you understand why you are before us today?” The middle Grand Marshall intoned.

“No,” Lavi replied nonchalantly, a large grin playing on his lips. “No, I don’t.” He shook his head slightly as he spoke.

The Grand Marshall snorted. “You are here under the charges of attempted murder and insubordination.”

“I was just trying to scare him!” Lavi protested, lying through his teeth. “I knew Allen was there to stop the attack, and no harm was done, minus a few burns that Smith brought upon himself. The only real reason I can think of for being here is to stop you from harassing Yuu.” He folded his hands in his lap, feeling rather triumphant as he leaned back in the too-small chair.

“Be that as it may, you still have disobeyed a direct order from the Director,” the Grand Marshall said. “And so did your friend,” he added after a moment. The smile immediately dropped from Lavi’s face.

“Yuu is irrelevant to my case, excepting that he disobeyed orders while helping me recover from mental illness. According to Order Law number 437, article A, sub-section C, line twenty-four, ‘an Exorcist is fully within his rights to refuse a mission should he feel that his forces are needed elsewhere.’ As you most likely know, I was suffering from extreme depression, multiple personality disorder, and schizoaffective disorder. Though not officially diagnosed, I know myself and my symptoms well enough to understand what I went through. I am still having problems with the personalities, but my latest suicide attempt has helped me somewhat to integrate most of my personalities.

“At the time, therefore, I was not in the right mind to go on a mission, and as Yuu was needed at my side, he refused missions as well.”

“He was hardly needed,” the main Grand Marshall scoffed. Lavi’s eye glinted dangerously.

“Yuu stopped me from committing suicide twice. The third time, he didn’t get there in time, and only Lenalee’s quick thinking and Innocence evolution saved me,” Lavi said coldly, clutching the arms of the wooden chair.

“We were not informed of any suicide attempts,” the Grand Marshall spokesman said, no longer accusatory, looking around at the other Grand Marshalls questioningly.

“Well, yeah, it’s not like I was going to say anything, and it’s obvious that no one was paying attention. As Director, Smith should have realized something was wrong. The fact that I hadn’t left my room for days and then began acting very strangely should have been indication enough. And after I hurt my hands, it would be completely impossible for me to go on any mission at all. The first time my hands worked properly was when I felt my Innocence running through them. I suppose I do have Smith to thank for that.” Lavi stroked at his chin wonderingly, staring out into the large chamber and focusing on nothing.

Indefinite moments passed, and Lavi suddenly became aware of a hand waving rudely in front of his face.

“Eh?” He exclaimed, jumping and hitting his back hard on the chair. “What happened?”

“He’s still alive,” said a voice near to him, and Lavi followed the hand back to a man with dirty-blond hair and dark blue eyes. He was pale, and Lavi placed the man’s accent as Hungarian. He wore a General’s jacket, and Lavi remembered reading up on their current leaders. This man was most likely Tamas Varga.

“Now that the defendant is, er, conscious again, shall we continue?” Asked the Grand Marshall who had been speaking the entire time.

“What else do you want me to disprove?” Lavi asked excitedly, jumping up to stand on his chair with his pointer finger outstretched to the ceiling.

“Sit down, please,” the Grand Marshall said, sighing. Had he not been obscured by shadows, Lavi imagined he would have been shaking his head.

“Don’t wanna,” Lavi pouted, crossing his arms over his chest.

The door burst open, and Lenalee appeared.

“Lavi!” She shouted, her eyes wild with fear. “He just started screaming, and he won’t stop. Please, help.”

“Okay, Lenalee, I’ll be right there!” Lenalee looked relieved and ran back outside. Lavi jumped down from the chair. Looking up at the Grand Marshalls, he added, “excuse me, gentlemen, I’ll be right back.” Pausing at the door he said, “Oh, and I have another point: according to the new 2012 edition of the Order’s rulebook, page 435, article 13, line 5, ‘an Exorcist, with the support of the full number of Generals is well within his rights to remove a Director from his position and disregard all orders if he/ she finds said Director unable to properly perform his duties due to incompetence or if said Director presents a danger to fellow Order members.’”

He pointedly ignored the outraged protests coming from above and left Hevlaska’s chamber. The second he stepped outside, he could hear distant yells, and he ran toward them.

Yuu’s screams were wordless this time, thankfully. Lavi stooped down to the thrashing Exorcist and placed a hand on the other man’s head.

“Shhh, calm down, Yuu, it’s okay,” he mumbled, rubbing his hand gently, not digging his fingers into the other man’s hair. He knew Yuu hated that. Slowly, the man began to quiet to Lavi’s words, eventually reduced to light tremors and small whimpers. Lavi suppressed a tear and gave Yuu a gentle hug, wrapping his arms around the man’s neck. “You’ll be okay, Yuu. I won’t ever hurt you again. Please, just see that I’m here.” He sat back, dragging Yuu with him until the man was lying despondently on his shoulder. Their chests pressed against each other, and Lavi moved his arms down to Yuu’s back.

“I love you, Yuu,” he whispered in the other man’s ear. “Please, please, see that I’m here.” His voice was thick, but he was glad he had managed to keep his tears at bay. He didn’t want to look like he had been crying when he went back to the Grand Marshalls.

Tentatively, hands went around his waist, holding him there.

“Rabi,” the Japanese man murmured, and the tone was so heartbreakingly sad that Lavi knew the man still didn’t realize that he was alive.

“Yuu, I’m right here,” he said in Japanese, pulling the man closer.

“Doushite?” Yuu asked in an agonized whisper. “Why did you die?”

This time, Lavi couldn’t keep the tears back, and he cried silently into Yuu’s hair, wetting it.

“I’m so sorry,” he cried softly.

He heard the door open, but his only reaction was to pull Yuu even closer, his grip becoming vice-like, as if Yuu was the only thing keeping him together.

“We’re going to question Kanda Yuu now,” the intruder said quietly. Lavi smirked.

“Good luck with that,” he sneered, chuckling.

---

He was dead. Dead. Very, very dead. Yuu had seen him fall, and the scene kept replaying in his mind-how he’d grasped the man’s wrist, how it had slipped from that selfsame grasp. Yuu felt something break inside him. Everything lost meaning. He was alone again. He didn’t know when it had started, but at some point, that man had become very, very important, bypassing all the walls Yuu had erected around his heart. The heart he had tried-and very obviously failed-to ignore. His chest ached, so he pushed the pain away, trying to fall back into the icy oblivion that he had become so accustomed to.

Why? Why had he let this happen? Hadn’t he told himself so many times that this would happen if he cared?

The ache returned to his chest, stronger now, too strong. He felt consumed by it-so he hid from it. He let himself fall into the dark, cold place, devoid of all sight, sound, and most importantly, memory.

There was a voice….

From somewhere far away, it drifted lightly down to find him.

“Yuu,” Recognition flitted across his mind but quickly faded; that voice couldn’t be there. “Yuu, it’s time to go inside now.” He felt his body respond automatically; he just let it, nothing mattered anymore. The voice continued and became harder to understand. Yuu still didn’t care.

“Ne, Yuu, let’s go back to your room, okay?” Yuu understood that, but the voice hurt, made the ache break through his darkness. He pushed himself deeper into his oblivion, once again letting his body respond on its own.

The voice said something else, but he wouldn’t let mind comprehend it. It hurt too much.

“You’re dead,” he said to the voice, hoping to make it go away, to stop that horrible ache that wouldn’t leave his chest. He felt he deserved this; he had brought it on himself by caring.

But the farther he pushed into oblivion, the closer the memories came, all his barriers were broken. They flashed vividly through his mind. Where was Lavi to wake him up? Oh, yes, he was dead. He wouldn’t have that particular comfort anymore.

Pain. He hurt. His father was hurting him. He was screaming, but more he screamed, the harder he hit, and the harder he hit, the more he screamed. It was a never-ending vicious cycle. But it was better than having his mother feel this. He was glad that he could at least protect her during the night.

-

A short, old man strode through the main gate. Behind him, his apprentice walked, chattering happily. The short man stopped after a moment and hit his apprentice on the head. Yuu scoffed. These two were the highly-anticipated Bookman and his heir. They both had been chosen by Innocence, and they would be fighting on the Order’s side as they recorded history.

Yuu knew immediately that he could never trust these two people. They were Bookmen-heartless, cruel creatures who had once been human. They would spare no one and back no one up on the battlefield. Fighting alongside them would be worse than fighting with his true allies. His true allies were incompetent, unable to coordinate naturally with him. Yuu was tired of making an effort to fight with them, and he thought he fought best on his own anyway. But the Bookmen, they battled with no one.

“Strike!”

Yuu looked back at the two men and saw the apprentice staring at him with lust in his eyes. Yuu felt his cold mask slip from his face, replaced with horror.

“Ooooi, what’s your name?” The apprentice called, waving a gloved hand at him.

Yuu scoffed and turned around again, heading to the dining hall. He decided he would have soba. He hadn’t had it in a few days.

“So, what’s your name?” Asked a voice in his ear. Yuu jumped. He hadn’t even heard the other boy come up behind him. He must have been too preoccupied with dinner, and he cursed his inattentiveness.

Yuu scoffed again, picking up his pace.

“Is ‘che’ all you can say?” The apprentice asked. Yuu growled.

“Stop following me like a rabbit. Don’t you have better things to do?” He hated that his voice still hadn’t broken completely, echoing loud and high in the stone corridor.

“That’s not very ladylike of you,” the apprentice complained.

“Urusei, Baka Usagi!” Yuu yelled. He hated how his voice squeaked.

“So you are Japanese?” The idiot apprentice tried to clarify.

Relief flooded through Yuu as he saw Lenalee and Tiedoll walking down the opposite hallway, deep in conversation. Tiedoll caught sight of him and hailed him over.

“Yuu-kun! We’re just going to get dinner, would you like to join us?” His General and Shishou asked.

Yuu scoffed, but he fell into step with them, hoping the rabbit would take the hint. Of course, the apprentice had to be an idiot, and he didn’t take it.

“Yuu-kun? Wait, you’re a guy!?”

Yuu was going to kill this idiot. He felt the vein at his temple begin to pulse. He could ignore this. He wasn’t allowed to kill Exorcists.

“I could’ve sworn you were a girl! I’m sorry, Yuu-chan!”

Yuu twitched. His hand reached, lightning-fast, to the hilt of his Innocence, and he drew Mugen before he was even aware of having done so. He swung it to bear at the Bookman heir, leveling it just a centimeter from the tip of the other boy’s nose. The boy stopped immediately.

Yuu would make an exception for this particular idiot.

“Don’t,” he growled, “call me by my first name.” He swung Mugen back.

“Kanda-kun, stop!”

Suddenly, Lenalee was in front of him, booted foot high in the air, blocking what would have been a fatal blow.

“Che,” he scoffed. He sheathed Mugen in one swift motion and stalked off to the dining hall.

The idiot did not leave him alone.

The next morning, the redheaded idiot followed Yuu to the dining hall, calling him by intimate names and expressions of shock and dismay at Yuu’s male status. Yuu grabbed Mugen’s hilt angrily for the entire meal, trying to ignore the idiot chatting away-in Japanese-and using the familiar and girly “kimi” with him.

“You know, Yuu-chan, I don’t think you’ve told me your surname yet,” the stupid rabbit commented, his mouth disgustingly full of hash browns.

“Kanda,” he hissed. “And I’ll thank you to call me that.”

“Nothin’ doin’, Yuu-chan!” The idiot exclaimed. Yuu growled softly under his breath.

“Stop being so damn intimate with someone you’ve just met, Baka Usagi!” he yelled, standing up and knocking the bench over. He abandoned his untouched soba noodles and stalked away, still gripping Mugen’s hilt.

“Why are you running away, Yuu-chan?” The Infernal Rabbit yelled, running after him, three or four slices of toast in one hand (in the other was a jar of jam and a knife). “Wait for me!”

“Stop bothering me, Baka!” Why couldn’t he get through? Wasn’t it rather obvious that he hated the boy?

“I’m not “Baka,” I’m Lavi,” the idiot stated, his mouth full of eggs and bacon. He caught up to Yuu, grabbing his arm and pulling him to face the other boy.

Yuu was not expecting to have Lavi’s lips cover his. He tasted eggs. He wrenched his arm from the redhead’s grip and stormed off. He needed to clean out his mouth.

“I’m not done with you yet, Yuu-chan!” Lavi called. Yuu ignored him. He knew that if he turned around, he would not hesitate to kill the other boy. And Bookman heir or not, the other boy was still an Exorcist.

His stomach started churning, and he quickly hurried to the nearest bathroom. He didn’t even care that it was one of the women’s facilities.

-

Her beautiful, raven-feather hair looked like black seaweed against her lifeless face. Her deep brown eyes stared blankly, soullessly, at nothing. Her expression was peaceful, even though her face was marred with half-healed or partially-formed bruises. Her arm was at an odd angle, and she lay on a bed of blood, which had long ago stopped its slow advance toward Yuu. Her mouth no longer turned up in that serene smile she always wore. Her hands did not sweep up to brush his fringe away from his eyes as they always did when she saw him.

She was not breathing.

She had no heartbeat.

Yuu knew she was dead. He knew it just like the pain that now covered his left breast. Her life had been like a lotus flower, incredibly beautiful and agonizingly short but everlasting in his mind. He clutched the stem of his lifeline and tore his eyes from the horrific image. He ran over to the small cabinet where they kept mementos of his grandparents. Dumping his grandmother’s ashes into his grandfather’s urn, he took the deceased lady’s urn and carefully placed the lotus flower inside.

He put on a new jinbei, wincing as each movement he made hurt his barely-healed ribs and still battered body. Pausing only to say good-bye once more to his mother’s body, he left. He never once turned back.

His heart ached, and he desperately wanted Lavi to be there, to make it go away. He didn’t know when it had begun, but Lavi’s presence had been able to keep his mind off of less pleasant things. He’d never remembered his father when Lavi called him by that awful name, and whenever Yuu slipped up and accidentally began to think about his past, Lavi would be there to get him to concentrate on something else. He desperately needed the man.

“Rabi!” He shouted. The name sounded so good on his lips that he yelled it again, and again. The man was dead, though, and he wouldn’t be there. Still, it felt so wonderful just to hear the name.

He was hallucinating again. That voice was there, and it shouldn’t have been. That voice was as dead as its owner. Warm arms were around him, but he knew they weren’t really there, so he allowed himself to dream they were.

The dream was heartbreaking, though, so Yuu pushed himself back into the sweet darkness. He needed it, because otherwise, how would he survive?

He pushed farther into the nothingness, and meaning left him, but the dreams didn’t.

He was back on the observation deck, and that was Lavi in front of him. He didn’t understand why, but he ran up to the other man and gathered him in his arms.

“Baka Usagi,” he whispered into Lavi’s ear. “I thought you were dead.”

Lavi chuckled. “But I am dead, Yuu-chan,” he responded, and he flew through Yuu’s grip like Tyki Mikk. He ghosted over to the rail and floated until he was on top of it. “But I’ll see you at the bottom, ne?” He smiled brightly at Yuu and stepped off, falling forward.

Yuu screamed. No. No. This couldn’t happen again. He ran to the rail, attempting to catch the redhead’s wrist, but this time he missed by mere centimeters.

“Sorry, Yuu,” he grimaced. “But I’m dead. You can’t catch dead people.” His grimace turned into a sad smile, and his eye locked on Yuu’s as he fell. Yuu watched the entire time, until the other man’s body hit the ground with a sickening crunch.

Bile rose in the back of his throat, and he wanted nothing more than to throw it up. He saw every broken bone sticking out from Lavi’s back, as if the tower wasn’t fifty kilometers above the ground. He saw every droplet of blood and every splatter of gore.

He didn’t mean to, but he screamed.

It sounded like Lenalee, but of course, Lenalee was away on a mission. Then she was gone, and then there was that voice, calming him even though it wasn’t there. He was being embraced, and the grip was growing excessively tight, but he didn’t care, because now he was really hallucinating. He could smell Lavi. That sensuous blend of old paper, ink, and something so distinctly Lavi that he couldn’t place it. He grabbed onto it, not wanting it gone. It was as if his body was trying to tell him everything was alright, and Yuu desperately wanted to believe that, even though nothing could ever be alright again, because Lavi was dead.

He heard voices around him. Lavi’s scent was gone. Lavi was gone. But he already knew that. His heart ached again, but for some reason, he couldn’t reach that blessed oblivion. He reached out for it, but it wasn’t there. Yuu’s heartbeat picked up. He needed the void, but it was gone. It was as gone as Lavi was. His heart raced. Where was it? He vaguely heard strange, gasping noises, and he wanted whoever was making them to shut the fuck up, because he couldn’t concentrate. His mind was going too fast and too slow at the same time. He could feel someone there with him, but then they were gone. Like Lavi.

He heard a keening noise, and he wanted to punch the maker of it. Couldn’t they keep it down? He couldn’t think when they were making so much sound, and he just wanted peace and quiet, an oblivion that he could sink into again, because anything was better than the hurt that was welling up in his chest.

There was another gasping sound, and everything was so wet. Why was he wet? And why wouldn’t that idiot just shut up? But then he realized it was him, and he took a disjointed arm and slammed it into his head.

Ah. There was that gentle nothingness. He felt himself being pulled into it, and he relaxed for a while, glad to just float in the unfeelingness of it all.

The voice was back, and Yuu wanted very much to wake up and tell it to get the fuck away from him, because it wasn’t real, dammit.

“Go away,” he finally managed to say, “you’re dead.”

“But I’m not dead, if you would just wake up and look!” The voice said back insolently. Yuu wanted to pry an eye open to prove to it that it wasn’t alive, but his muscles weren’t cooperating with him.

“Please, Yuu, please just see me,” the voice said. It sounded broken, and Yuu frowned unintentionally. He wasn’t back in the darkness, nor was he simply drifting. The voice was bringing him dangerously close to the surface, and he wasn’t ready to deal with the pain again. It hurt more than it had when he had been fighting with Tyki, when his father had first beaten him, when his mother had died.

He was in someone’s arms, and there was a warm, completely unreal hand on the back of his head. His head moved up and down at a very slow pace, as if he were lying on someone’s chest, which was, of course, impossible. Because Yuu didn’t do such things. Because that implied that Yuu cared, and there was nothing he cared about anymore, because when he cared about things, they died. Or they hurt him, which was just as bad.

He heard a door open.

“Lavi, I’ve got coffee for you.”

Lenalee seemed to have joined his hallucination, then. It must have been because he’d unwittingly begun to care for her, too. He’d have to be more careful about his emotions now.

“Hold on, he seems very close to consciousness, and I don’t want to sleep.”

“You say that like you don’t trust me not to drug you again, Lavi.”

“I don’t.”

“That hurts, Lavi. That hurts.”

“Sorry.” Lavi’s not-there voice didn’t seem very apologetic. Yuu snorted lightly, and the voices went quiet for a second. He felt himself be shifted, and suddenly his stomach felt very cold, as if he had been lying on it previously.

“Do you mind if I try?” Lenalee’s not-there voice asked.

“May as well. Nothing else has worked.”

“Kanda-kun, wake up. Lavi’s here and he’s really worried about you. Will you wake up and yell at him, maybe threaten to run him through with Mugen? Come on, we all miss you,” not-there-Lenalee cajoled him.

“You’re not here,” he mumbled, trying to turn. He found his movement impaired by the gentle but firm hand on his head.

“Kanda-kun, why don’t you open your eyes and see for yourself? Lavi’s alive, you know.”

“Why should I do something when I already know what will happen?” He growled, angry at the clarity with which the voices were coming now. He wanted to go back to being quiet, peaceful. He wanted his nothingness back, because then he didn’t have to feel the ache in his chest. It hurt.

“Kanda-kun, please? If you do this, I promise you I won’t make you do anything else,” not-there-Lenalee pleaded.

Yuu scoffed but figured that perhaps it would make his hallucinations go away. He cracked an eye open and promptly shut it. He was seeing things. Nothing else would explain why there was a one-eyed, redheaded Exorcist leaning very close to his face.

“You still think I’m dead?” Came not-there-Lavi’s voice, and it sounded almost… mournful.

Yuu didn’t need to answer that, because it was already apparent. Not-there-Lavi sighed and Yuu must really have been in the deep, dark depths of hallucination, because he was now feeling things that weren’t there. Like Lavi’s breath hitting his face. He smelled bacon and eggs on the non-existent breath. He knew that was all wrong, though-Lavi liked toast.

“What can I do to make you understand I’m still alive?” Not-Lavi asked.

“But you’re not,” he said, starting to get angry. Really, why couldn’t his hallucinations leave him alone?

“Did you even see me hit the ground?” Not-Lavi asked. Yuu tensed. He had seen Lavi fall, hand still outstretched from where Yuu had briefly caught it, an utterly blank look on his face. But he’d stumbled back from the rail, unwilling to see the one he lo-cared about-splatter on the ground.

“Kanda-kun, I caught him!” Not-Lenalee said, and then she did something to make him believe. She slapped him. “Kanda-kun, wake up and see what’s in front of you. You remember passing me on the way up to the tower, right? My Innocence is the only one that could have saved him, and I did. Please, you’re making Lavi hurt. I know it’s nothing compared with what you’re feeling, but please believe that he’s alive!” She sounded patronizing at the beginning, but by the end, tears were in her voice, and it was that more than anything else that made Yuu rethink his previous assumption. This was either real, or he had very, very realistic hallucinations. Because his face stung.

He heard feet walking away and a door open. “Lavi, I can’t watch this anymore,” Maybe-Lenalee said, her voice cracking with emotion. It was quiet for a moment, and he heard a non-existent sigh.

“Y-Kanda, just wake up. I know I’ve hurt you more than you can bear, but please… wake up. I-” Maybe-Lavi’s voice broke and paused. There was a determined intake of breath. “I - I love you.”

Yuu knew it wasn’t a hallucination. His own mind wouldn’t call him Kanda, especially when it was acting as Lavi, and the idea of Lavi loving him was so… so preposterous that it could only be real.

His eyes snapped open.

“Rabi!” He exclaimed, sitting bolt upright. He immediately felt dizzy and fell back onto his pillow.

“Well, that’s a hell of a way for you to wake up,” Lavi replied, and Yuu forced his weak eyes to stay open, because this was definitely Lavi.

“How are you not dead?” He asked, desperate to know the answer. He managed to sit up again, but he fell forward onto Lavi from dizziness.

“Lenalee caught me. You know, her synch rate went above two hundred percent because of it. Mine just hit it-Hevlaska’s calling it the Double Critical. Not very inventive, really. But anyway, it looks like your Innocence evolves when you hit Double Critical, because Oodzuchi Kodzuchi’s clear now, rather than that dark red of crystal type. The Grand Marshalls don’t have a name for it, so they’re just calling it crystal type, too. No one here has an imagination… Yuu?”

Yuu realized his eyes had shut. He was fighting off the unconsciousness. He didn’t want to go to sleep-Lavi was here, and he didn’t want to be apart from him anymore. The darkness dragged him down against his will, though, and when he next woke, the sun was shining brightly through his window. From the strength of the rays, it was probably late evening.

He reached around, his hand seeking Lavi. He needed to know that hadn’t been a dream. He calmed as he found a very familiar wrist. It jerked as he touched it.

“Damn you, Lenalee!” Lavi’s voice shouted. “You’re putting it in my food now?” Now he sounded incredulous.

“Rabi?” He asked. He felt a cool hand on his forehead.

“You’re awake again?” Lavi asked.

“I can’t stay awa…” But Yuu was pulled under again.

The third time he awoke, it was dark outside, and he was pressed tightly against a very humanlike pillow. His arms were around what seemed to be a bare waist. He didn’t have the energy to tense. And when he finally managed to open his eyes and see who it was, he didn’t want to. Instead, he pulled himself closer. Lavi was still alive. His heart felt so light, so relieved, so happy…

Wait… he was happy?

“Rabi…” His voice was faint and he wasn’t sure if the other man heard.

“I’m here, Yuu.” Yuu felt relief but he couldn’t seem to keep his eyes open.

“Lavi,” he said, managing to speak in (very accented) English for the first time. “I can’t stay awake. Keep me… awake.” He sighed. “Please,” he added in a small voice.

“What do you want me to do, Yuu?” Lavi asked, his chest vibrating with his voice against Yuu’s face.

“Just keep me awake,” he ordered, already feeling himself being thrown back into the dark seas of unconsciousness.

Lavi moved out of his grip, and Yuu felt his consciousness slip just a little bit. But then there was breath on his face before Lavi’s lips descended on his own. Awareness flickered into being. Lavi’s lips moved silently from Yuu’s to his ear. The other man’s voice was breathy, “Are you awake yet?”

The second the sensation stopped, Yuu felt his awareness fade, and he reached up and pulled Lavi closer. He shook his head, unable to speak. Not that he would have allowed himself to if he could. He heard Lavi chuckle slightly. “Alright, well, I guess I’ll have to wake you up, then.”

He felt the heat of the man’s lips on his neck, and Yuu shivered, this time not out of fear. His reaction invited Lavi to nibble at the skin tenderly. Yuu’s breath came out in a hiss of pleasure. Lavi smiled against his neck and then moved his lips to Yuu’s mouth. Yuu was startled by the gentleness with which Lavi teased at his lips. But it was too gentle, and Yuu felt himself slip away. Not wanting to lose the sensation of Lavi right there in front of him, he pulled the other man’s head down none-too-gently. Lavi made a startled noise in the back of his throat.

Lavi’s kisses were no longer teasing, and Yuu was startled by the abrupt, but welcome, change. Yuu gasped, opening his mouth slightly, and Lavi took that as an invitation. Of course he would, Yuu thought before he drowned in the moment. Lavi’s tongue brushed lightly across the roof of his mouth, and he was surprised to find himself reciprocating.

Kissing had never felt like this-so warm, so open, so good. Yuu shivered again as Lavi moved his lips down his neck. He felt Lavi’s fingers trail down to his tattoo. He lightly traced the pattern as his mouth reached Yuu’s collarbone. Lavi slid his other hand along Yuu’s chest and pulled back, gasping.

“Yuu,” he panted, “how did you get all of-”

Yuu didn’t want to hear that question, didn’t want to remember anything related to his scars, so he pulled Lavi’s mouth back to his, wanting to be lost in the other man’s touch, wanting to hide from the memories that the question had brought to the surface. Lavi moaned as Yuu’s tongue twined around his. Yuu’s pants started to feel tight. It was strange. He had never wanted his body to react like this before. Normally, he would have been repulsed by it, but he ignored it because he didn’t want this to end, and he desperately wanted to stay awake.

He pulled Lavi closer, and their hips rubbed together for a moment. Yuu sucked in a shaky breath at the contact. Lavi’s situation was worse than his.

It was as if grabbing Lavi was the spark that set off the fire between the two, and suddenly Lavi’s hands were at his waist, undoing his button and fly and slipping his pants and boxers off in one fluid motion. Yuu didn’t stay still either-he quickly divested the man of all clothing. Lavi’s hands trailed down between his legs, and Yuu groaned as the other man’s hand encircled him. His hips rolled up into the touch.

“Yuu,” Lavi whispered, lowering his mouth to follow the Lotus Spell’s pattern. Yuu forced himself not to make a noise as Lavi’s teeth scraped over his left nipple. His hands moved to Lavi’s hair, holding the man where he was. His head went back as waves of pleasure rolled over him. He had never before felt something so good, so intense, and his body was craving it now.

Lavi moved his hand gently along Yuu’s length, teasing him. Yuu was almost overcome by the sensation. His other hand moved from Yuu’s side and down his back. It rested for a moment at the curve of his hip before moving inward. He felt a finger press lightly, intimately, inside him. Yuu froze. As good as everything else had felt, that sensation was something he wanted to forget. Lavi paused his ministrations, frowning slightly, and despite everything, Yuu moaned at the lack of stimulation. Lavi twirled his finger experimentally, and his frown deepened.

“Yuu,” he breathed. “You’re not a virgin, are you?” He removed both hands and moved back until he was sitting, facing Yuu on the bed.

Yuu froze. He didn’t want to face this. He wasn’t going to. But all the memories-the ones he’d been hiding from since he’d left his dead mother on the floor and ran-welled up inside him, pelting at the fragile walls of his sanity.

“No,” he whispered, unable to make a louder sound. “I’m sorry.” He let his hair fall around him. Suddenly, his bedspread had become excruciatingly interesting. He picked at a loose thread absently, trying to keep the memories from destroying him.

He felt warm arms encircle him and pull him into a warm chest. He cursed himself for being weak as tears poured down his face, getting caught on Lavi’s bare chest and falling to pool in the sheets.

“Who did it?” Lavi asked softly, gently rubbing his back overtop his long hair.

Yuu didn’t respond. He couldn’t.

“Was it the same person who gave you all those scars?” At this, Yuu felt himself nod, and with that, all the barriers he’d built around the painful memories shattered, and he grasped at Lavi like a lifeline as the pain hit him, as fresh as it had been when he’d sealed it away.

---

A/N: We’re back! The break killed us both so badly! This is the chapter before the epic angst scene, and LOOK! Naked! :D As for the managing to speak English for the first time in a while bit, Yuu is actually wrong, and he had spoken English just a bit before that, but his brain is being a bit faulty, so it’s ok.

As a warning, the next chapter IS NOT work-safe and/or for people under seventeen. It nearly made us both vomit writing it-it’s also epically long. We will have to post it in three parts. For people under seventeen and people who don’t want to read things including torture, graphic rape, and psychological abuse, we will post up a summary. We are NOT kidding when we say it is disgusting-and these are only the worst scenes that we’ve put in. Many got cut out. *Happy reading! :D* <-- Note: That was to lighten the mood a bit.