real journal stuff
i walked back to my grandparent's condo ready for a nice shower after a nice long relaxing day at the beach. the weather was perfect. mid 80s, not a cloud to be seen. the water was warm. the sun was nice, but not too overpowering. i looked at myself in the mirror. my body was tan. maybe a little bit burned, but nothing to uncomfortable. i looked at my face. for the 1st time in a good 10 years, COMPLETELY free of acne. then down to my body, no longer the frail, "please don't break me" stature i've been used to for so long. "oh my...is that...MUSCLE!?" finally i had reached the weight target i set for myself about 5 years ago. 175. i had done it once last year, but this time there wasn't the unfortunate side affect of a pot belly. the countless miles i travel on the bike in the comming months will only improve it. it was my last day at cocoa beach. but i was ready to go home. right before i left, i had taken the corvette home from storage. the parts i'd ordered has come in from autozone. and it was finally time to start "stage two" of my musclecar investment. headers, engine work. then a full paint job. i thought about just what i was going home to. work is slow, as is the rest of country. but we've been promised no lay-offs. so the only thing work being slow means is, less work. but still enough to keep me fit from lifting all night.
so just how much has life improved? you know me readers (all one or two of you) i'm consantly looking back and comparing. i'm in the best shape of my life. which i know i've said before, but it just keeps getting better. in a few short weeks all the work will be done and my dream car, that i've dreamed of for quite literally as long as i can remember, will be a 100 percent reality. the day i finally get a licence again is getting ever so close. in the past 3 months i've been on THREE vacations. and they're not over yet. my entire summer vacation (3 weeks paid...and possibly one more un-paid) is pretty much planned. i'm FINALLY going to spend a week at newfound lake again. which is, as far as i'm concerned, the most beautiful place EVER. a week in hampton. and then a week in mexico. to finally see the house, nearly 20 years in the making, which is finally complete. my father's castle. my CRX needs a little bit of love. but nothing a day or two in the dirveway with a cooler full of pepsi, some good music on the radio, and a couple of my car buddies won't handle. my social life is free of petty drama, which is probably also a 10 year 1st. i keep in touch with a lot less people than before. but i definately have enough friends for good times. i've finally started building credit and when summer's over, i start saving the majority of my money, and in about 2 years, i'll have my very own house. a solid 20 percent downpayment seems a more than feasable reality. espeacially since, well there's really nothing left to spend money on. next month. next month, i will be an uncle to a healty baby boy. we were all a bit worried about how pregnancy would treat my sister, due to her rhuemitoid arthritus. (pretty sure i spelled that wrong) not long ago, i fixed things with my old best friend katlyn, a burden that had laid on my shoulders for nearly 2 years. life is going great. simply wonderful.
so here's the question. what do you do, when you have everything in the world....except what you really need?
no, i'm not talking about a license, though i could really use one of those. but i feel that now, possibly more than ever, i'm lonely. and with all these great things happening, the (sexy?) body, the friends, the car, the vacations, the nights out, the promising future, all the fun. THIS is what consumes my mind. every night, (well, morning) i go to bed alone. and i'd trade it all just to come home and be greeted with a kiss and a warm embrace. instead of an on demand movie, and a meal for one. to fall asleep cuddling with a person instead of a pillow. how perfect all the things would feel if i only had someone to share it with.
and so i think back, again. to summer 07. i had none of these wonderful, glamorous things mentioned. a naive, skronny, ugly as sin cart boy at target. the job itself i didn't mind so much as the fact that i was doing it at 22, when everyone else my age had either just graduated college, found a career, or both. some were alreayd starting families. my cousin, for example, my age, married in 2003 and had just become a father to his 2nd child (he has 3 now) i was going nowhere in life. i had a few hundred bucks in my bank account. and was horribly depressed over the recent revoking of my license. so it may suprise you to hear that, THAT was when i REALLY had everything. i'd go to work at this sucky job. and when i got out, i'd get on my bike, and ride about 5 miles, often in the rain. and into her arms. we'd stand on her porch and hug and kiss as if we hadn't seen each other in months. we'd take long romantic walks, holding hands. stopping quite frequently just to gaze in each other's eyes. spending an evening cuddling and kissing, and falling asleep in each other's arms gave me a feeling that nothing else in my life even compares to. it's mind boggling to think that nearly 2 years later, while i'm basically living "the dream" that my head is completely filled with memories of those nights where, most of the time out of shear boredome, we'd just curl up and watch a movie.
were things perfect? by no means, or it wouldn't have ended...but that's the other thing that definately doesn't help. the fact that all of of are problems would now be pretyt much obsolete. those nights i blew her off to hang out with friends that don't come around anymore. when i decided to just stay home, because i didn't have money to go out, or because going out would be too difficult because neither of us could drive.and the fact that i was a pretty crappy boyfriend, because i had not yet leanred all the lessons that are now etched in my mind. and of course, we can't forget how upset it made her (and who could blame her) at the fact that i still talked to my ex. someone who, well, let's just we don't have to worry about my talking to her anytime soon. so yea. let's talk about her for a minute. my 1st ex. no this isn't about to turn into one of those jess-bashing post i have been so famous for. i'm simply thinking about how easy it was. the fact that she's just a total...(no...stop)...the fact that we just plain didn't get along, and completely cut ties, made things so easy. i didn't realize it at the time of course. but i think it's a safe bet to say that if jess had been a mutual break-up like claire and i, and we still liked each other and remained friends, that she probably would have been a bit harder to get over than she was. when we finally cut ties, over a year ago, we both left thinking the same thing "good fucking riddence" and easily moved on with our lives, not for a second looking back. (well, i know I did anyway)
i also think about if i could even be in a relationship now. if i could leave agirlfriendfor more than a week to go to mexico in the summer...doing it before was so hard, i don't know if i could do it again. if i could get involed with someone who lived more than a couple of miles from my house, when it could still be a pretty long time before i get a license again. or would i constantly compare my next relationship to my last one. i did it last time, but everything was better, so it wasn't a problem. and with me working those crazy overnight hours, would we even be able to find enough time to spend with one another?
what do i do about this?
well, for now, does anyone just wanna makeout?
?
so just how much has life improved? you know me readers (all one or two of you) i'm consantly looking back and comparing. i'm in the best shape of my life. which i know i've said before, but it just keeps getting better. in a few short weeks all the work will be done and my dream car, that i've dreamed of for quite literally as long as i can remember, will be a 100 percent reality. the day i finally get a licence again is getting ever so close. in the past 3 months i've been on THREE vacations. and they're not over yet. my entire summer vacation (3 weeks paid...and possibly one more un-paid) is pretty much planned. i'm FINALLY going to spend a week at newfound lake again. which is, as far as i'm concerned, the most beautiful place EVER. a week in hampton. and then a week in mexico. to finally see the house, nearly 20 years in the making, which is finally complete. my father's castle. my CRX needs a little bit of love. but nothing a day or two in the dirveway with a cooler full of pepsi, some good music on the radio, and a couple of my car buddies won't handle. my social life is free of petty drama, which is probably also a 10 year 1st. i keep in touch with a lot less people than before. but i definately have enough friends for good times. i've finally started building credit and when summer's over, i start saving the majority of my money, and in about 2 years, i'll have my very own house. a solid 20 percent downpayment seems a more than feasable reality. espeacially since, well there's really nothing left to spend money on. next month. next month, i will be an uncle to a healty baby boy. we were all a bit worried about how pregnancy would treat my sister, due to her rhuemitoid arthritus. (pretty sure i spelled that wrong) not long ago, i fixed things with my old best friend katlyn, a burden that had laid on my shoulders for nearly 2 years. life is going great. simply wonderful.
so here's the question. what do you do, when you have everything in the world....except what you really need?
no, i'm not talking about a license, though i could really use one of those. but i feel that now, possibly more than ever, i'm lonely. and with all these great things happening, the (sexy?) body, the friends, the car, the vacations, the nights out, the promising future, all the fun. THIS is what consumes my mind. every night, (well, morning) i go to bed alone. and i'd trade it all just to come home and be greeted with a kiss and a warm embrace. instead of an on demand movie, and a meal for one. to fall asleep cuddling with a person instead of a pillow. how perfect all the things would feel if i only had someone to share it with.
and so i think back, again. to summer 07. i had none of these wonderful, glamorous things mentioned. a naive, skronny, ugly as sin cart boy at target. the job itself i didn't mind so much as the fact that i was doing it at 22, when everyone else my age had either just graduated college, found a career, or both. some were alreayd starting families. my cousin, for example, my age, married in 2003 and had just become a father to his 2nd child (he has 3 now) i was going nowhere in life. i had a few hundred bucks in my bank account. and was horribly depressed over the recent revoking of my license. so it may suprise you to hear that, THAT was when i REALLY had everything. i'd go to work at this sucky job. and when i got out, i'd get on my bike, and ride about 5 miles, often in the rain. and into her arms. we'd stand on her porch and hug and kiss as if we hadn't seen each other in months. we'd take long romantic walks, holding hands. stopping quite frequently just to gaze in each other's eyes. spending an evening cuddling and kissing, and falling asleep in each other's arms gave me a feeling that nothing else in my life even compares to. it's mind boggling to think that nearly 2 years later, while i'm basically living "the dream" that my head is completely filled with memories of those nights where, most of the time out of shear boredome, we'd just curl up and watch a movie.
were things perfect? by no means, or it wouldn't have ended...but that's the other thing that definately doesn't help. the fact that all of of are problems would now be pretyt much obsolete. those nights i blew her off to hang out with friends that don't come around anymore. when i decided to just stay home, because i didn't have money to go out, or because going out would be too difficult because neither of us could drive.and the fact that i was a pretty crappy boyfriend, because i had not yet leanred all the lessons that are now etched in my mind. and of course, we can't forget how upset it made her (and who could blame her) at the fact that i still talked to my ex. someone who, well, let's just we don't have to worry about my talking to her anytime soon. so yea. let's talk about her for a minute. my 1st ex. no this isn't about to turn into one of those jess-bashing post i have been so famous for. i'm simply thinking about how easy it was. the fact that she's just a total...(no...stop)...the fact that we just plain didn't get along, and completely cut ties, made things so easy. i didn't realize it at the time of course. but i think it's a safe bet to say that if jess had been a mutual break-up like claire and i, and we still liked each other and remained friends, that she probably would have been a bit harder to get over than she was. when we finally cut ties, over a year ago, we both left thinking the same thing "good fucking riddence" and easily moved on with our lives, not for a second looking back. (well, i know I did anyway)
i also think about if i could even be in a relationship now. if i could leave agirlfriendfor more than a week to go to mexico in the summer...doing it before was so hard, i don't know if i could do it again. if i could get involed with someone who lived more than a couple of miles from my house, when it could still be a pretty long time before i get a license again. or would i constantly compare my next relationship to my last one. i did it last time, but everything was better, so it wasn't a problem. and with me working those crazy overnight hours, would we even be able to find enough time to spend with one another?
what do i do about this?
well, for now, does anyone just wanna makeout?
?