the Looming Fear. the Impending Doom.
I am so stupid. I should have known better. If the girl that you really love goes away on a vacation to be with the one that SHE really loves [aka: the BETTER MAN - I and NOT trying to be mean or sarcastic], it's probably best not to pester her with your own mundane, petty shit that really doesn't matter to anyone anyway. She left to go have a GOOD time, not to be bothered by your pathetic ass or reminded of how worthless you can be. She probably needs to forget all about you for a good long while and focus on what really is really important and really matters to her. Quit being a stupid asshole. LET. HER. BE.
But from my perspective, It's painful and just sucks so bad to not be able to talk to the only person I talk to so frequently every day. I literally have NO ONE ELSE. And soon enough, I'm more than likely not going to even have that. I'm going to be homeless in eight days, and she'll be back two days before that, having been fulfilled in ways that I couldn't possibly hope to come close to making her. Just in time to knock my dick [and my heart] in the dirt. And I totally wish that I was jealous of him. To have that righteous anger, that hate that gives one a purpose. But how could I be jealous of someone who is in every way better than me? How can I hate someone who is a genuinely good person and is much better for her than I could ever dream to be? How can I feel resentment and disdain for someone who honestly loves her in a very real and sincere way? Someone who has so much [way more than I'll EVER have] to offer her? What the fuck do I have to offer? An embarrassing smile filled with disgustingly rotten teeth? An occasional hard dick? Some halfway satisfactory conversation? She can get much better than that from virtually ANYWHERE or ANYONE ELSE. I have next to nothing [and absolutely none of it substantial or of any real merit] to offer. I've had forty long, grueling and difficult, boundary testing years to make something - anything out of myself and I still don't know how or even where to begin. I couldn't succeed if someone else did it for me. What can she get from the inconsequential me that she wouldn't get more and better from literally ANYONE else?
And I honestly hate myself so much for secretly wishing that things go south or that he'll be such an asshole to her, that she'll WANT to come to me. It's petty and selfish and I abhor it, but it's also partially true. ok, maybe a little more than "partially." I do want her to be happy [more than anything], but god damn it, why can't *I* be the one to make her beam the way she makes me beam?
She has been honest with me from the get-go. Even before we started dating she warned me that she wasn't looking for anything even remotely serious with anyone. But, I weaseled my way into getting her to date me in such an unfair way to her. When she came across the opportunity to be with the one that she is in love with, she sat me down and explained to me what was going on and how it might affect our relationship, calmly, rationally, openly and with respect.
I never wanted any of this to happen. I was happily never going to date again. I had been successful at it for over four years. Then I met her, and everything, ALL of that started changing for me at a very alarming and drastic rate. And for the first time in I honestly couldn't tell you how long, I started seeing something I did not think possible: A future. Being a true pessimist to the core of my being, I don't ever EVER look to the future. My relationships never last. My track record is usually around three months before they tire of me and/or having to deal with me, my bullshit drama, my horrible idiosyncrasies [yes, I know I am a LOT of hard work]. But I saw it in her: HOPE. And although it scared the shit out of me, it also gave me more comfort than I am used to having or could have ever hoped to have had.
I see all of that fading now. All of the hopes and aspirations and the honest effort I put into making myself a better person so that she would feel the way I do. And I am scared. VERY. I don't know what to do. I've never worked this hard for something like this. I always just gave up. Oh, well. Just a chick. That's why I never [well, very rarely] did monogamy. "Oh, you want to leave me for this other guy? Cool. See ya. Next!" You can't hurt me if I don't give you that part of me. And I want to give it. Freely. Without hesitation. With happiness in my heart.
There are things that I've done and shared with her, that I would never in a million years have even considered doing with any other person. And I have found myself enjoying so much of it where I had previously hated or didn't care one iota about those things before. I'm not used to letting myself be this vulnerable. I'm not used to thinking this way. Jealousy never really had much of a role to play in my life before. But I can't fucking sleep just with the thought of her being in her arms. I can't stop crying or freaking out or thinking the bad things I am finding myself thinking.
I don't know what to do. I don't think I could take it if she left me. And I don't compete. I don't want to have to compete with this guy. If it's one thing that I learned so many times in so many painful ways it's this: the reason that I don't compete is because every single time I compete, I LOSE. Forever second to last place.
The reason I am writing this down is because the only person I have to talk to about this type of stuff; the only person that I allow myself to share that aspect of myself is her, and she's with him. I literally have no one to talk to about this. And I can't talk to her at all. When I hurt, she hurts. I don't want her to hurt. I just want to be happy. And I was. And this is EXACTLY what happens to me EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. I let my guard down and actually allow myself to be happy.
I know what I want, but I will never have it, because I'll never know how to obtain it. But what does it matter? No one else cares, and why should they? I am inconsequential. Everyone has their own problems, why would they want to give the slightest inkling of a fuck about mine? I don't matter. And why should I? I ruin everything. Everything I have ever truly wanted in my heart of hearts has been taken from or destroyed by me.
If this thing doesn't work out for me, I don't think I am ever going to make that kind of effort again. Fuck that. I stopped dating because I was sick of feeling/getting hurt by other people. I don't know if I can [or will ever want to] do that ever again.
Maybe I should just check myself into the hospital. I don't know what else to do.
But from my perspective, It's painful and just sucks so bad to not be able to talk to the only person I talk to so frequently every day. I literally have NO ONE ELSE. And soon enough, I'm more than likely not going to even have that. I'm going to be homeless in eight days, and she'll be back two days before that, having been fulfilled in ways that I couldn't possibly hope to come close to making her. Just in time to knock my dick [and my heart] in the dirt. And I totally wish that I was jealous of him. To have that righteous anger, that hate that gives one a purpose. But how could I be jealous of someone who is in every way better than me? How can I hate someone who is a genuinely good person and is much better for her than I could ever dream to be? How can I feel resentment and disdain for someone who honestly loves her in a very real and sincere way? Someone who has so much [way more than I'll EVER have] to offer her? What the fuck do I have to offer? An embarrassing smile filled with disgustingly rotten teeth? An occasional hard dick? Some halfway satisfactory conversation? She can get much better than that from virtually ANYWHERE or ANYONE ELSE. I have next to nothing [and absolutely none of it substantial or of any real merit] to offer. I've had forty long, grueling and difficult, boundary testing years to make something - anything out of myself and I still don't know how or even where to begin. I couldn't succeed if someone else did it for me. What can she get from the inconsequential me that she wouldn't get more and better from literally ANYONE else?
And I honestly hate myself so much for secretly wishing that things go south or that he'll be such an asshole to her, that she'll WANT to come to me. It's petty and selfish and I abhor it, but it's also partially true. ok, maybe a little more than "partially." I do want her to be happy [more than anything], but god damn it, why can't *I* be the one to make her beam the way she makes me beam?
She has been honest with me from the get-go. Even before we started dating she warned me that she wasn't looking for anything even remotely serious with anyone. But, I weaseled my way into getting her to date me in such an unfair way to her. When she came across the opportunity to be with the one that she is in love with, she sat me down and explained to me what was going on and how it might affect our relationship, calmly, rationally, openly and with respect.
I never wanted any of this to happen. I was happily never going to date again. I had been successful at it for over four years. Then I met her, and everything, ALL of that started changing for me at a very alarming and drastic rate. And for the first time in I honestly couldn't tell you how long, I started seeing something I did not think possible: A future. Being a true pessimist to the core of my being, I don't ever EVER look to the future. My relationships never last. My track record is usually around three months before they tire of me and/or having to deal with me, my bullshit drama, my horrible idiosyncrasies [yes, I know I am a LOT of hard work]. But I saw it in her: HOPE. And although it scared the shit out of me, it also gave me more comfort than I am used to having or could have ever hoped to have had.
I see all of that fading now. All of the hopes and aspirations and the honest effort I put into making myself a better person so that she would feel the way I do. And I am scared. VERY. I don't know what to do. I've never worked this hard for something like this. I always just gave up. Oh, well. Just a chick. That's why I never [well, very rarely] did monogamy. "Oh, you want to leave me for this other guy? Cool. See ya. Next!" You can't hurt me if I don't give you that part of me. And I want to give it. Freely. Without hesitation. With happiness in my heart.
There are things that I've done and shared with her, that I would never in a million years have even considered doing with any other person. And I have found myself enjoying so much of it where I had previously hated or didn't care one iota about those things before. I'm not used to letting myself be this vulnerable. I'm not used to thinking this way. Jealousy never really had much of a role to play in my life before. But I can't fucking sleep just with the thought of her being in her arms. I can't stop crying or freaking out or thinking the bad things I am finding myself thinking.
I don't know what to do. I don't think I could take it if she left me. And I don't compete. I don't want to have to compete with this guy. If it's one thing that I learned so many times in so many painful ways it's this: the reason that I don't compete is because every single time I compete, I LOSE. Forever second to last place.
The reason I am writing this down is because the only person I have to talk to about this type of stuff; the only person that I allow myself to share that aspect of myself is her, and she's with him. I literally have no one to talk to about this. And I can't talk to her at all. When I hurt, she hurts. I don't want her to hurt. I just want to be happy. And I was. And this is EXACTLY what happens to me EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. I let my guard down and actually allow myself to be happy.
I know what I want, but I will never have it, because I'll never know how to obtain it. But what does it matter? No one else cares, and why should they? I am inconsequential. Everyone has their own problems, why would they want to give the slightest inkling of a fuck about mine? I don't matter. And why should I? I ruin everything. Everything I have ever truly wanted in my heart of hearts has been taken from or destroyed by me.
If this thing doesn't work out for me, I don't think I am ever going to make that kind of effort again. Fuck that. I stopped dating because I was sick of feeling/getting hurt by other people. I don't know if I can [or will ever want to] do that ever again.
Maybe I should just check myself into the hospital. I don't know what else to do.