(no subject)
I know I haven't updated in forever, but there's something about 3:30 in the morning that fires up the writing ability in my. I have wondered often, of late, whether or not I will ever be rid of some of the problems associated with my disorder. Although I have grown used to my sometimes unintelligible handwriting and my speech disorder, I don't think I'll ever fully accept that I can't read or write most of the time. I'm surprised I'm able to write this now, and even this isn't that easy. I pause for long times between sentences to collect my thoughts and get them into a written form. My spelling has suffered as well. I can know how to spell a word one day, and have no concept the next. I don't know why. that's just how it is. It happens far too often and with such common words that I often think it must be apart of my disorder. Why am I brining this up now, you ask? Well, I has mainly to do with the fact that I AM up at 3:35 in the morning and would much rather be asleep. I have a busy day tomorrow, or should I say today, and don't want to be sluggish or irritable. I have a lot of work to do here at home and at my place of employment. Since I am working a split-shift, there will be little to no time for a nap or any kind of rest at all, really. So, although I need sleep more than anything else right now, I'm still here, talking to you. To tell the truth, the reason I don't update as much as I'd like to is because I am continuing to lose my ability to read and write, and it has consumed my rants now as well. It is not just essays and stories that I cannot write. It is pretty much anything with content. The last time I was able to read anything, it only lasted a couple of days. That was a while ago. I miss the ability to enjoy the written word, which was, at one point, my main way of pacifying myself. It probably still would be, if it were an option. I am truly saddened to experience the disappearing of the written word from my life. As time goes on, my mental problems are becoming more and more outwardly appartent to me. More and more often I have to explain that I cannot read or write as well as your average idiot and that it is not my fault. I show up at work far too often with only a couple of hours of sleep. My handwriting changes from very neat to horribly sloppy without notice. Even after all these years, I still become annoyed when people ask about my "accent." Other little things occasionally pop up that I can't explain except to say that it may be part of my mental state. Many people may say that I overreact to these things and that I should get used to them or that they will get better with time. Maybe these people don't understand how difficult it is to live like this. I fear bringing it to a proffessional's attention because I suspect there isn't anything to be done. I just don't want to be told that. Reading and writing used to be a big part of my life. Now I can barely write a paragraph or read a page. How am I supposed to just shrug that off? How am I supposed to say "oh, well, it MIGHT get better eventually?" I can't. Because I hate it. I hate that I can't do these things and that I can't speak or write or read like a regular person. I don't want to be that person. I WANT to be able to go to school and not have to struggle to just sit through a class. I WANT to get on with my life and express myself through writing. To absorb knowledge through reading. And I HATE the fact that I can't. I struggle and struggle each day to be able to do these things, and each day I can't. I don't know why. I just can't. I WANT to read classic books most people find boring or stuffy. I just want it so much. No matter how much I try to believe it will get better, I can only see it getting worse. I can't write anymore. Can't read, can't write, can't speak, can't sleep. Goodnight.
~Rabbit-san
~Rabbit-san