(no subject)
I don't feel like writing anything. The only reason I'm sitting here right now is that I'm horribly bored and my family is sick of me. What else is new, huh? I don't know why I go forward. I don't know why I try to succeed in my life. Everytime I do something goes wrong. Either that or I'm going it alone. You know I've come this far in my life without a single real friend. No one to pat me on the back and tell me that it's not always going to be this bad. I've gone through a lot of shit in the past seven years. Somehow, I hate telling my story for fear of the kind of reaction I'd get, but if I don't tell it, I don't think people really like me. The person I put out there to the average person I meet on the street isn't the person I truly am. The people who know my story and are still there for me, those are the people I truly would like to be friends with. Unfortunately, even those people don't seem to turn out so well. Maybe having someone to just be there for me when I really needed it or even someone to take my mind off the rest of my life would have made it so much easier, but the point is, I didn't have anyone like that. I didn't get to where I am today by being a "typical" kid and having friends and going to school. That doesn't mean I didn't have a shitload of help, it just means I don't have the same outlook as many people. Maybe I'm wrong in thinking that I don't need friends, like all the "professionals" seem to think. I haven't NEEDED friends to get this far, I don't think I NEED friends to go on. I'm not trying to throw off any readers out there. I'm just saying, I've been hurt and used so much by people I THOUGHT were my friends that I'm not exactly eager to make any new ones. Maybe someday, I'll be able to find someone I actually trust. Maybe it's not the other people at all. Maybe it's me. I don't know. I really, really WANT to have a friend in this world to talk to and just feel like I don't need to be on edge all the time around. I just find it difficult to trust anyone. I never really have EVER trusted people. I don't know why. I probably never will. People who don't know my story think I'm strange and freakish for acting the way I do. People who know, well, I've never been able to make them hang around for very long. Maybe this isn't about how I don't NEED friends. Maybe this is about how I WANT friends and yet am held back by this fear I really don't know why I have in the first place. Maybe I really do desire friendship, but I'm so scared of being hurt by other people that most of the time, I don't even trust my own family. Yeah. That's probably what this is about. If I could make the fear go away, I would. But I can't. I wish I knew how.
~rabbit
~rabbit