Arashi Crack #2
Title: the Keys to Manhood
Authors: r_tenou and kokkaii
Genre: pure and utter crack
Rating: R for innuendo
Disclaimer: None of this ever happened. We do not know or own the various JE groups or other actors mentioned.
Warning. There is heavy OOC in this. You have been warned.
____________________________________________________
Part Two: Aiba and his Seamen
Aiba woke with a jolt, sweat rolling down his forehead. Trepidation had settled into his bones since earlier that afternoon and he couldn't shake the feeling that something he held dearly was being fondled by someone else.
"Nino!" he suddenly gasped, jumping to his feet. "That's it! Ohno must be hammering him again!" He grabbed his clothes and his trusty magnifying glass as he ran out of his room. He must find his baby's momma, ask Jun for help or something-
He paused. The castle was cold and quiet; Jun's nagging, Sho's whines, Nino's snark, and Ohno's snores weren't there.
He pouted. He suddenly felt so lonely.
Aiba fled the castle, his frilly paw-print patterned nightrobe tied tightly around his waist, and padded down the cobblestone roads of the village in search of someone familiar. It was hot and humid and the fabric of his corset was sticking to his skin under his flowing nightgown, constricting in a most pleasing way. He ran past the bakery and the gaol and the little shop where they sold the leather and chains Ohno liked to use on Nino.
It reminded him of the night they'd spent together on the soft dewy grass just outside the terrace, flowers in bloom and loverly love in the air. Aiba felt warm all over, from the top of his hair down to the tip of his-
"You!" a voice called out and Aiba turned to see the constable, Kamenashi out with his lantern and nightstick. "You can't just whip that out in public! I don't care how late it is!"
"Excuse me?" Aiba looked down to his barely parted nightgown, where he loosely held his-
"Your lion!" Kame interrupted. "Take it home before it hurts someone!"
"Shimuken just needs some love!" Aiba yelled despondently. Shimuken pawed at the air playfully, saliva dripping from him.
Kame winced. "Well play with it somewhere else!" he said. "The playground is no place for you to be displaying your... your hobbies."
"But Shimuken needs it now," Aiba cried. "I NEED SOMEONE TONIGHT, Kame-chan!"
Kame sighed exasperatedly. He dug around his pockets, exclaiming a soft "aha!" as he found the small piece of cardboard he was looking for. "Here," he said, slipping a card down Aiba's corset. "This place should give you what you need." He looked around shadily, hand waving for Aiba to come closer. "Listen," he whispered. "You DIDN'T get that card from me, ya hear?"
"But I did," Aiba said, confused.
"No you didn't!" Kame snapped before pivotting on heels and walking away hurriedly towards the opposite direction.
"Bit I did," Aiba whispered as he took the card from his corset.
Aiba shoved his lion away, promising that he'd bring it out again later for play, preferably with someone else and not Aiba himself - though he was never adverse to handling Shimuken himself. He stared down at the card, a shifty looking map drawn on the back and a winking emoticon on the front leering back at him creepily. Aiba shuddered involuntarily.
It started at the town fountain, just across the pathway and so Aiba scrambled to get to his 'statr' position. The crude drawing had a dashed line that led from the fountain to the alleyway just left of the bakery and Aiba followed it, even as it went past the house of ill-repute, past the cottage where the Domoto brothers (though not actually brothers) lived, and past the corn field where Nino once defiled an old man, thinking him a scarecrow.
Aiba patted his pants, urging Shimuken to hush, if he so pleased.
The end of the map led him to a dilapidated building, made of straw and plaster and had a sign high above the doorway. "Loft, Plus One," Aiba read aloud, careful to pronounce each word carefully. The door swung open and out peeked a dirty looking man in a white wifebeater and a red ballcap. His hair cascaded down his back and Aiba was suddenly jealous of such luxurious locks, even if they looked like they'd never been brushed.
"How do you handle your instrument?" the man asked with a tiny grin, obviously drunk.
Aiba wanted to tell him that he didn't handle instruments - only lions.
"You know," the man said, "like so-" he lifted his hands, one raised above the other. The lower hand pinched and flicked about rythmically while the other one stroked up and down an invisible shaft. Aiba found the movements amazingly familiar.
"AAAH!!!" He beamed. He placed his arms like he usually did with Shimuken, stroking and wiggling his fingers like he always did. "Like this?"
The long-haired man gasped. "Yes, just like that!"
Aiba continued slipping his hand up and down, fingers dancing. He fell on the ground, back arching and neck stretching.
"Yes!" the other man yelled as Aiba's strums turned more frantic and hurried. "YES YES YES!"
Aiba felt sweat rolling down his forehead and he began to stroke down the invisible shaft faster and faster. Idly, he heard the other man scream "Yes" in time with his strokes. He twisted his wrist as his hand reached the end of the shaft.
'YEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSS" the other man yodelled, voice winding down into a pleasant hiss.
Aiba beamed at him, wiping his hands on his nightgown. "Was I good?" he asked
"You-" the man gasped, wiping sweat off his brow. "You are a master of the arts." He opened the door behind him widely, bowing deeply. "Please, enter our humble meeting place.
Aiba, past the sweating man's horrendous odor, entered what looked to be an off-beat saloon where people sat in odd garb in front of a stage, where more people were doing strange things with their own instruments, falling to the ground and making gyrating motions. It was mesmerizing and Aiba found he could not look away.
The trio on stage finished and bowed and exited just as Aiba found a table to sit at, questionable writing on the table and a salt shaker in the shape of Nino's favorite guitar. Aiba turned it over in his hand and shook it, much the way he would if it really were Nino's, watching as the white substance poured out.
"Next!" a voice called over the roar of the crowd and Aiba instantly looked up toward the stage. "For your viewing entertainment, hear the majestic MAGIC of Strawberry and Peaches!"
Aiba couldn't believe his eyes as Ohno and Nino emerged on stage, both in mesh tops that left little to the imagination, and sparkling, rainbow-colored leggings that clung to their thighs ever so nicely. "This is the last time I ever let you pick our stage names," Nino muttered. Ohno smiled right at Aiba in the audience, his bad wig falling off his head from the sheer weight, along with the fake facial hair he wore.
Aiba made sure to stand up and cheer extra loud for Strawberry and Peaches (and so did Shimuken from the looks of it).
"A-five," Ohno yelled over the din whilst snapping his hips from side to side. "A-five, six, seven, eight-"
There was a loud crash, and bright light suddenly shone in Aiba's eyes. "RAID!" AIba heard someone yell. "It's a raiiiii-"
He stumbled to the ground, crawling blindly and groping about as he looked for Nino. "Kazu-chan!" He called out. He felt a long slender stick and he patted it. "Kazu-chan is that you?"
"No, this isn't him," a rough voice answered. "But would you please kindly finish-"
"Kazu-chan!" Aiba screamed, scrambling to his feet as he saw a flash of rainbow coloured leggings. He froze as he saw Kame-chan hauling the short man away. "NOOO, KAZU-CHAN!!"
Nino twisted around, his arm escaping the constable's grasp, and he reached up, grabbing his hair and flung it, the shininess and smoothness of it momentarily blinding Kame and Aiba.
When they both opened their eyes, Nino was gone.
Unfortunately, Kame was still there. He turned to Aiba, taking the older man's arm in his grasp and twisting it forcefully behind his back. "You have led me to their whereabouts and for that, you shall pay. Crimes of indecent exposure are nothing to laugh about, even if it's a lion."
"But you had the map before!" Aiba cried out as Kame dragged him from the premesis. "Why did you not follow it to where you needed to go?"
"I could not read the map, for my heart is not my own..." Kame said abruptly, a wave of sadness washing over him. "My love has escaped with my most priceless treasure, off to pillage and pirate aboard a ship at sea!" He threw the back of his hand against his forehead dramatically. "And worst of all, I have no one to handle my nightstick anymore."
Aiba felt sorry for the man, but it was not enough to stop him from flinging his hands at the doorway and holding on with all his might. "You cannot take me to the gaol! I cannot be some prison man's she-dog! Shimuken will be scared! And we are waiting for our friends to come home and visit us again!"
Kame clicked his tongue. "Your friends can visit you in the big house."
"SANCTUARY!!!" Aiba yelled.
Kame paused. "W-what?!"
"I really meant to yell 'a deal'," Aiba admitted sheepishly. "Sanctuary is a much more shocking word, isn't it?"
"It is!" Kame gasped. "My heart fell to the bottom of my stomach there!"
"It really was super effective!" Aiba laughed cheerfully.
"Ahh, fun, fun." Kame's smile suddenly slipped off his face and his eyes slowly became distant. "I used to have fun," he said morosely. "I used to know how to laugh honestly, ya know... but then my heart was stolen by an eggplant-"
"I'll help you get it back!" Aiba said earnestly. "I'll help you find your wayward lover and get your precious treasure back!"
Kame ceased pulling at Aiba, staring at him warily. "Will you really?" he asked.
"Only if you keep Shimuken and I away from the Rei Pist dungeons," Aiba said.
Kame frowned, eyes darting here and there, up and down Aiba's body, from one end of Shimuken to the other, and he sighed. "Fine," he said. "As long as I get what I want."
"I promise, We'll get it!" Aiba chirped.
And that was how Aiba's adventure started
They were gathering supplies from the village when suddenly Aiba had a most visionary idea to invite more travellers with them. "The journey will be less lonely that way. We'll consider it a pilgrimage!" he said to the lonely constable. They paused in their packing, a loaf of bread and some cured meat sticks (Aiba adored the salty flavour) shoved into a rucksack.
"But are there people who would wish to travel with us to the sea?" Kame asked. Aiba could think of no one better than his dear friend Ohno, and by default Nino as well.
"Of course!" Aiba cheered. "I will need help in handling my dear Shimuken, after all. He is a bit of a handful at times."
"Yes," Kame conceded. "I do remember how starved for attention he was this morn, jumping about wildly in your hands. It would make sense to bring more people with us. Even my nightstick gets a far cry too heavy for me to carry from time to time." He pulled his stick from his pants and Aiba stared in amazement.
"Why yes. That is a very large stick indeed."
"It makes for a good beating," Kame said, slipping his stick back into his pants with a bit of difficulty.
"Here," Aiba said, helping the constable tuck his nightstick in.
Kame waved his hands off, turning around to finish the task himself. "I'm afraid my stick is a bit excited," he said. "Prospect of adventure and all that."
"I guess," Aiba said, shrugging and surveying the small shop they were in. "You don't suppose we might be needing a bit of oil?"
"Oil?" Kame echoed, turning to look at Aiba, stick securely tucked.
"Well, see." Aiba picked up a small bottle of goopy translucent bottle. "Nino needs it whenever Shimuken gets excited. Shimuken can be very careless and could hurt Nino without the right preparations."
The constable nodded understandingly. "We should have at least a gallon of it," he said authoritatively. "And, you know, protection for everyone's sticks."
"Of course!" Aiba said, grabbing vials and long leather pouches.
"Aiba-san, who is this Nino that you are so fond of mentioning?" Kame suddenly asked.
"You do not know of Nino?" Aiba asked with raised brows, unable to understand how anyone could not know the most prolific peddler in the village. "I cannot think of a person in this village whom Nino has not touched in some way."
"Touched?" Kame responded in confusion.
"Touched. Nino touches people's SOULS, Kame-chan," Aiba explained, the stars in his eyes alight and filled with LOVE and LONGING. "I remember when Nino first touched me... I was just a young lad of nineteen and had just fallen down from the roof of a thatched cottage. I brused my backside and Nino was always willing to lend a hand in soothing the soreness."
"This Nino fellow sounds like a giver."
Aiba nodded. "Nino both gives and takes without complaint, unless we are speaking of money. It is astounding the miracles he works day in and day out. Nino is a POWERHOUSE of miracles, Kame-chan. He even helped Sho-chan, though he is bound by metal panties."
"I shall look forward to properly meeting him," Kame replied. "Perhaps he could help with my problems then?"
"Why Kame-chan, what problems do you have besides that of your missing eggplant lover?"
Kame sighed exaggeratedly, leaning heavily and wrapping his arms around a thick, suspiciously shaped pole and caressing it gently. "My problem," he sighed, "is of gigantic proportion."
Aiba followed the constable's hand as it passed over a discoloured raised line on the pole. "I'm sure it is," he said absent-mindedly.
"It's absolutely humongous!"Kame exclaimed, pressing his face against the odd shaft. "I am at my limit with dealing with it!" he sighed. "I am tired, Aiba-san," he whispered.
"I- yes- no, no keep at it," Aiba said as his eyes trail after Kame slithering down to the floor, arms still around the pole.
"My nightstick is an enormous nightmare, Aiba-san," Kame whimpered.
"It is colossal," Aiba said.
"For nights on end, my greased up eggplant refused to accept my nightstick into his wide pants," Kame said sadly. "'It will tear my seams apart,' he said. 'No pocket can house it perfectly,' he claimed. So then I folded to his whims, allowing his own pocket-size club into my garments so easily."
"That's a shame," Aiba said distractedly as Kame trailed his hands up and down.
"Know what my dream is, Aiba-san?" Kame asked, eyes distant.
"What?"
"It is to someday find a pocket big enough for my nightstick," Kame said wistfully. "To find one able to sheath it so tightly without the seams breaking apart."
"And we shall find you that!" Aiba whooped half-heartedly, still starring at Kame's hands.
"Aiba-san is amazing!" Kame cooed, getting up and wiping his hands on his pants.
"No, no stay there," Aiba said, pushing him down insistenttly.
"But why, Aiba-san? Should we not continue packing?" Kame asked, staring up at Aiba with large, innocent eyes as he held the pole tightly between his hands. He moved them up and down frantically as he continued to stare, afraid that Aiba may have thought something unpleasant.
Aiba's eyes widened and his breath hitched and still Kame moved faster. "I..." mumbled out Aiba. "I..." His voice grew louder with every syllable. "I..."
"Yes?" asked Kame. "Yes?"
"I..." "Yes?" "I..." "Yes?"
"I think I hear Nino!" Aiba quickly pointed a hand toward the sky as the brilliant light of a candle seemed to have shone above his head. "You should stay down there so that he does not see you. He may run away again, seeing that you are the village constable."
"Why, Aiba-san, I thought you knew me better," Kame sighed.
Aiba's eyes widened. "But I do, Kame-chan!" he said. "I know you now better than a few hours ago!"
"So why do you insist on fooling me?" Kame cried exasperated, hugging the pole to himself.
"I'm not!" Aiba gasped, placing his hands over Shimuken - he was getting wild again and he certainly wouldn't like it if Kame thought Aiba couldn't control his beast.
"Well, it certainly looks as if things are moving too fast and you're leaving me behind," Kame snapped.
"I'm sorry!" Aiba wailed. "I just get so easily ex-"
"If you want to journey alone with Nino, you could've told me so!" Kame cried, shiny drops of tears cascading down his face. "I've always been alone, really, I wouldn't-"
"Kame-chan!" Aiba gasped. "That is not what I was thinking of at all! Really I just wanted you to finish stro-" he paused, his eyes drawn to the glittering things that Kame's fallen tears had turned into. "Your tears, Kame-chan!"
"What of them?" Kame asked, wiping his tears on the pole, making it glisten faintly. "Useless things, they are, turning into-"
"FAKE COINS!" Aiba exclaimed. "Why, Kame-chan, this is glorious!"
"I do not understand," Kame said unsurely.
"We could buy a rowboat instead of that blasted bed of wood and cloth!" Aiba said. "This could make our journey so much better!"
"But they're fake coins," Kame protested.
"Coins are coins," Aiba pshawed. "They're still a payment of some sort."
"That IS true." Kame's face lit up. "Perhaps we could buy a bigger boat! Fast and huge enough for our seamen!"
"My and Shimuken's seamen do need a lot of space," Aiba agreed, thoughts of Ohno and of pretty, pretty Nino flashing across his mind.
"Fantastic!" Kame knelt down to collect the fake coins. "I must gather these amazing things!"
"Ahh, yes, while you're at it, would you kindly lick that pole dry as well"
Kame never had the chance to reply as two men quickly came bounding up, a skip in their step as they stopped in front of Aiba. "What's the hurry that you had to distract me from my midday gaming?" Nino asked in a hurry. "I'd just tricked some kids into thinking that I was a fairy so they'd dive into the town fountain and fish me out some coins!"
"Oh Nino, you're always so good with children," Aiba cooed. "We need not of the fountain coins anymore though. See? Kame-chan's tears are more valuable than any coinage. He cries and we have money!"
Nino eyed the kneeling Kame, wrapped around the pole, suspiciously. "So like all I'd have to do is punch you in the pants and I'd get a bucketfull of coins?" he asked. Kame looked worried.
"Nino!" Aiba admonished. "We've got plenty of coins here so that we can start our EPIC journey of AWESOME. There's no need for violence."
"Journey?" Nino scoffed. "I'm not going on any journey."
Aiba fell onto his knees beside Kame. "You have to though! You have to come along and be my seamen! You'll polish my deck, make sure my sails are hung, and we'll all eat plenty of fruits to prevent scurvy!"
"I don't play secondhand to anyone. If anything at all, you'd be my seaman instead," Nino complained, folding his arms over his chest. "Roping the masts, singing pirate songs, and swabbing MY poop deck."
"I can tell we'll never see eye to eye on this," Aiba sighed and then a marvelous idea struck him like a bolt of lightning. "I know!" he cried out. "Why don't we make Oh-chan captain?"
"Eh?" The sleepy man, oozing masculinity, asked drowsily next to them.
Nino considered it for a moment. "Only if I can be first mate."
"Done!" Aiba cheered. "And I'm second mate!"
"What about me?" Kame asked pathetically, still clutching at the oddly shaped pole as he eyed the gathering warily.
"Isn't it obvious?" Aiba asked and Kame shook his head in denial. "You'll be handling everyone's booty!"
As it turned out, seventeen sacks of Kame's tear coins could only fetch them a very small, rickety old ship that whistled and bounced gaily on the ocean every time a pretty young girl passed by.
Aiba wanted to call it Shimuken Two because of its tendency to get so happy and erect so quickly; Nino wanted to call it Nintenda after the daughter he never really cared for, but whose name reminded him of something more precious to him; Kame wanted to call it Tears for My Lovely Jin for unknown reasons, blushing profusely as he insisted on it.
Ohno wanted to call it Ogura-san and they named it that; being captain had special privileges.
Thus, they started their journey.
Authors: r_tenou and kokkaii
Genre: pure and utter crack
Rating: R for innuendo
Disclaimer: None of this ever happened. We do not know or own the various JE groups or other actors mentioned.
Warning. There is heavy OOC in this. You have been warned.
____________________________________________________
Part Two: Aiba and his Seamen
Aiba woke with a jolt, sweat rolling down his forehead. Trepidation had settled into his bones since earlier that afternoon and he couldn't shake the feeling that something he held dearly was being fondled by someone else.
"Nino!" he suddenly gasped, jumping to his feet. "That's it! Ohno must be hammering him again!" He grabbed his clothes and his trusty magnifying glass as he ran out of his room. He must find his baby's momma, ask Jun for help or something-
He paused. The castle was cold and quiet; Jun's nagging, Sho's whines, Nino's snark, and Ohno's snores weren't there.
He pouted. He suddenly felt so lonely.
Aiba fled the castle, his frilly paw-print patterned nightrobe tied tightly around his waist, and padded down the cobblestone roads of the village in search of someone familiar. It was hot and humid and the fabric of his corset was sticking to his skin under his flowing nightgown, constricting in a most pleasing way. He ran past the bakery and the gaol and the little shop where they sold the leather and chains Ohno liked to use on Nino.
It reminded him of the night they'd spent together on the soft dewy grass just outside the terrace, flowers in bloom and loverly love in the air. Aiba felt warm all over, from the top of his hair down to the tip of his-
"You!" a voice called out and Aiba turned to see the constable, Kamenashi out with his lantern and nightstick. "You can't just whip that out in public! I don't care how late it is!"
"Excuse me?" Aiba looked down to his barely parted nightgown, where he loosely held his-
"Your lion!" Kame interrupted. "Take it home before it hurts someone!"
"Shimuken just needs some love!" Aiba yelled despondently. Shimuken pawed at the air playfully, saliva dripping from him.
Kame winced. "Well play with it somewhere else!" he said. "The playground is no place for you to be displaying your... your hobbies."
"But Shimuken needs it now," Aiba cried. "I NEED SOMEONE TONIGHT, Kame-chan!"
Kame sighed exasperatedly. He dug around his pockets, exclaiming a soft "aha!" as he found the small piece of cardboard he was looking for. "Here," he said, slipping a card down Aiba's corset. "This place should give you what you need." He looked around shadily, hand waving for Aiba to come closer. "Listen," he whispered. "You DIDN'T get that card from me, ya hear?"
"But I did," Aiba said, confused.
"No you didn't!" Kame snapped before pivotting on heels and walking away hurriedly towards the opposite direction.
"Bit I did," Aiba whispered as he took the card from his corset.
Aiba shoved his lion away, promising that he'd bring it out again later for play, preferably with someone else and not Aiba himself - though he was never adverse to handling Shimuken himself. He stared down at the card, a shifty looking map drawn on the back and a winking emoticon on the front leering back at him creepily. Aiba shuddered involuntarily.
It started at the town fountain, just across the pathway and so Aiba scrambled to get to his 'statr' position. The crude drawing had a dashed line that led from the fountain to the alleyway just left of the bakery and Aiba followed it, even as it went past the house of ill-repute, past the cottage where the Domoto brothers (though not actually brothers) lived, and past the corn field where Nino once defiled an old man, thinking him a scarecrow.
Aiba patted his pants, urging Shimuken to hush, if he so pleased.
The end of the map led him to a dilapidated building, made of straw and plaster and had a sign high above the doorway. "Loft, Plus One," Aiba read aloud, careful to pronounce each word carefully. The door swung open and out peeked a dirty looking man in a white wifebeater and a red ballcap. His hair cascaded down his back and Aiba was suddenly jealous of such luxurious locks, even if they looked like they'd never been brushed.
"How do you handle your instrument?" the man asked with a tiny grin, obviously drunk.
Aiba wanted to tell him that he didn't handle instruments - only lions.
"You know," the man said, "like so-" he lifted his hands, one raised above the other. The lower hand pinched and flicked about rythmically while the other one stroked up and down an invisible shaft. Aiba found the movements amazingly familiar.
"AAAH!!!" He beamed. He placed his arms like he usually did with Shimuken, stroking and wiggling his fingers like he always did. "Like this?"
The long-haired man gasped. "Yes, just like that!"
Aiba continued slipping his hand up and down, fingers dancing. He fell on the ground, back arching and neck stretching.
"Yes!" the other man yelled as Aiba's strums turned more frantic and hurried. "YES YES YES!"
Aiba felt sweat rolling down his forehead and he began to stroke down the invisible shaft faster and faster. Idly, he heard the other man scream "Yes" in time with his strokes. He twisted his wrist as his hand reached the end of the shaft.
'YEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSS" the other man yodelled, voice winding down into a pleasant hiss.
Aiba beamed at him, wiping his hands on his nightgown. "Was I good?" he asked
"You-" the man gasped, wiping sweat off his brow. "You are a master of the arts." He opened the door behind him widely, bowing deeply. "Please, enter our humble meeting place.
Aiba, past the sweating man's horrendous odor, entered what looked to be an off-beat saloon where people sat in odd garb in front of a stage, where more people were doing strange things with their own instruments, falling to the ground and making gyrating motions. It was mesmerizing and Aiba found he could not look away.
The trio on stage finished and bowed and exited just as Aiba found a table to sit at, questionable writing on the table and a salt shaker in the shape of Nino's favorite guitar. Aiba turned it over in his hand and shook it, much the way he would if it really were Nino's, watching as the white substance poured out.
"Next!" a voice called over the roar of the crowd and Aiba instantly looked up toward the stage. "For your viewing entertainment, hear the majestic MAGIC of Strawberry and Peaches!"
Aiba couldn't believe his eyes as Ohno and Nino emerged on stage, both in mesh tops that left little to the imagination, and sparkling, rainbow-colored leggings that clung to their thighs ever so nicely. "This is the last time I ever let you pick our stage names," Nino muttered. Ohno smiled right at Aiba in the audience, his bad wig falling off his head from the sheer weight, along with the fake facial hair he wore.
Aiba made sure to stand up and cheer extra loud for Strawberry and Peaches (and so did Shimuken from the looks of it).
"A-five," Ohno yelled over the din whilst snapping his hips from side to side. "A-five, six, seven, eight-"
There was a loud crash, and bright light suddenly shone in Aiba's eyes. "RAID!" AIba heard someone yell. "It's a raiiiii-"
He stumbled to the ground, crawling blindly and groping about as he looked for Nino. "Kazu-chan!" He called out. He felt a long slender stick and he patted it. "Kazu-chan is that you?"
"No, this isn't him," a rough voice answered. "But would you please kindly finish-"
"Kazu-chan!" Aiba screamed, scrambling to his feet as he saw a flash of rainbow coloured leggings. He froze as he saw Kame-chan hauling the short man away. "NOOO, KAZU-CHAN!!"
Nino twisted around, his arm escaping the constable's grasp, and he reached up, grabbing his hair and flung it, the shininess and smoothness of it momentarily blinding Kame and Aiba.
When they both opened their eyes, Nino was gone.
Unfortunately, Kame was still there. He turned to Aiba, taking the older man's arm in his grasp and twisting it forcefully behind his back. "You have led me to their whereabouts and for that, you shall pay. Crimes of indecent exposure are nothing to laugh about, even if it's a lion."
"But you had the map before!" Aiba cried out as Kame dragged him from the premesis. "Why did you not follow it to where you needed to go?"
"I could not read the map, for my heart is not my own..." Kame said abruptly, a wave of sadness washing over him. "My love has escaped with my most priceless treasure, off to pillage and pirate aboard a ship at sea!" He threw the back of his hand against his forehead dramatically. "And worst of all, I have no one to handle my nightstick anymore."
Aiba felt sorry for the man, but it was not enough to stop him from flinging his hands at the doorway and holding on with all his might. "You cannot take me to the gaol! I cannot be some prison man's she-dog! Shimuken will be scared! And we are waiting for our friends to come home and visit us again!"
Kame clicked his tongue. "Your friends can visit you in the big house."
"SANCTUARY!!!" Aiba yelled.
Kame paused. "W-what?!"
"I really meant to yell 'a deal'," Aiba admitted sheepishly. "Sanctuary is a much more shocking word, isn't it?"
"It is!" Kame gasped. "My heart fell to the bottom of my stomach there!"
"It really was super effective!" Aiba laughed cheerfully.
"Ahh, fun, fun." Kame's smile suddenly slipped off his face and his eyes slowly became distant. "I used to have fun," he said morosely. "I used to know how to laugh honestly, ya know... but then my heart was stolen by an eggplant-"
"I'll help you get it back!" Aiba said earnestly. "I'll help you find your wayward lover and get your precious treasure back!"
Kame ceased pulling at Aiba, staring at him warily. "Will you really?" he asked.
"Only if you keep Shimuken and I away from the Rei Pist dungeons," Aiba said.
Kame frowned, eyes darting here and there, up and down Aiba's body, from one end of Shimuken to the other, and he sighed. "Fine," he said. "As long as I get what I want."
"I promise, We'll get it!" Aiba chirped.
And that was how Aiba's adventure started
They were gathering supplies from the village when suddenly Aiba had a most visionary idea to invite more travellers with them. "The journey will be less lonely that way. We'll consider it a pilgrimage!" he said to the lonely constable. They paused in their packing, a loaf of bread and some cured meat sticks (Aiba adored the salty flavour) shoved into a rucksack.
"But are there people who would wish to travel with us to the sea?" Kame asked. Aiba could think of no one better than his dear friend Ohno, and by default Nino as well.
"Of course!" Aiba cheered. "I will need help in handling my dear Shimuken, after all. He is a bit of a handful at times."
"Yes," Kame conceded. "I do remember how starved for attention he was this morn, jumping about wildly in your hands. It would make sense to bring more people with us. Even my nightstick gets a far cry too heavy for me to carry from time to time." He pulled his stick from his pants and Aiba stared in amazement.
"Why yes. That is a very large stick indeed."
"It makes for a good beating," Kame said, slipping his stick back into his pants with a bit of difficulty.
"Here," Aiba said, helping the constable tuck his nightstick in.
Kame waved his hands off, turning around to finish the task himself. "I'm afraid my stick is a bit excited," he said. "Prospect of adventure and all that."
"I guess," Aiba said, shrugging and surveying the small shop they were in. "You don't suppose we might be needing a bit of oil?"
"Oil?" Kame echoed, turning to look at Aiba, stick securely tucked.
"Well, see." Aiba picked up a small bottle of goopy translucent bottle. "Nino needs it whenever Shimuken gets excited. Shimuken can be very careless and could hurt Nino without the right preparations."
The constable nodded understandingly. "We should have at least a gallon of it," he said authoritatively. "And, you know, protection for everyone's sticks."
"Of course!" Aiba said, grabbing vials and long leather pouches.
"Aiba-san, who is this Nino that you are so fond of mentioning?" Kame suddenly asked.
"You do not know of Nino?" Aiba asked with raised brows, unable to understand how anyone could not know the most prolific peddler in the village. "I cannot think of a person in this village whom Nino has not touched in some way."
"Touched?" Kame responded in confusion.
"Touched. Nino touches people's SOULS, Kame-chan," Aiba explained, the stars in his eyes alight and filled with LOVE and LONGING. "I remember when Nino first touched me... I was just a young lad of nineteen and had just fallen down from the roof of a thatched cottage. I brused my backside and Nino was always willing to lend a hand in soothing the soreness."
"This Nino fellow sounds like a giver."
Aiba nodded. "Nino both gives and takes without complaint, unless we are speaking of money. It is astounding the miracles he works day in and day out. Nino is a POWERHOUSE of miracles, Kame-chan. He even helped Sho-chan, though he is bound by metal panties."
"I shall look forward to properly meeting him," Kame replied. "Perhaps he could help with my problems then?"
"Why Kame-chan, what problems do you have besides that of your missing eggplant lover?"
Kame sighed exaggeratedly, leaning heavily and wrapping his arms around a thick, suspiciously shaped pole and caressing it gently. "My problem," he sighed, "is of gigantic proportion."
Aiba followed the constable's hand as it passed over a discoloured raised line on the pole. "I'm sure it is," he said absent-mindedly.
"It's absolutely humongous!"Kame exclaimed, pressing his face against the odd shaft. "I am at my limit with dealing with it!" he sighed. "I am tired, Aiba-san," he whispered.
"I- yes- no, no keep at it," Aiba said as his eyes trail after Kame slithering down to the floor, arms still around the pole.
"My nightstick is an enormous nightmare, Aiba-san," Kame whimpered.
"It is colossal," Aiba said.
"For nights on end, my greased up eggplant refused to accept my nightstick into his wide pants," Kame said sadly. "'It will tear my seams apart,' he said. 'No pocket can house it perfectly,' he claimed. So then I folded to his whims, allowing his own pocket-size club into my garments so easily."
"That's a shame," Aiba said distractedly as Kame trailed his hands up and down.
"Know what my dream is, Aiba-san?" Kame asked, eyes distant.
"What?"
"It is to someday find a pocket big enough for my nightstick," Kame said wistfully. "To find one able to sheath it so tightly without the seams breaking apart."
"And we shall find you that!" Aiba whooped half-heartedly, still starring at Kame's hands.
"Aiba-san is amazing!" Kame cooed, getting up and wiping his hands on his pants.
"No, no stay there," Aiba said, pushing him down insistenttly.
"But why, Aiba-san? Should we not continue packing?" Kame asked, staring up at Aiba with large, innocent eyes as he held the pole tightly between his hands. He moved them up and down frantically as he continued to stare, afraid that Aiba may have thought something unpleasant.
Aiba's eyes widened and his breath hitched and still Kame moved faster. "I..." mumbled out Aiba. "I..." His voice grew louder with every syllable. "I..."
"Yes?" asked Kame. "Yes?"
"I..." "Yes?" "I..." "Yes?"
"I think I hear Nino!" Aiba quickly pointed a hand toward the sky as the brilliant light of a candle seemed to have shone above his head. "You should stay down there so that he does not see you. He may run away again, seeing that you are the village constable."
"Why, Aiba-san, I thought you knew me better," Kame sighed.
Aiba's eyes widened. "But I do, Kame-chan!" he said. "I know you now better than a few hours ago!"
"So why do you insist on fooling me?" Kame cried exasperated, hugging the pole to himself.
"I'm not!" Aiba gasped, placing his hands over Shimuken - he was getting wild again and he certainly wouldn't like it if Kame thought Aiba couldn't control his beast.
"Well, it certainly looks as if things are moving too fast and you're leaving me behind," Kame snapped.
"I'm sorry!" Aiba wailed. "I just get so easily ex-"
"If you want to journey alone with Nino, you could've told me so!" Kame cried, shiny drops of tears cascading down his face. "I've always been alone, really, I wouldn't-"
"Kame-chan!" Aiba gasped. "That is not what I was thinking of at all! Really I just wanted you to finish stro-" he paused, his eyes drawn to the glittering things that Kame's fallen tears had turned into. "Your tears, Kame-chan!"
"What of them?" Kame asked, wiping his tears on the pole, making it glisten faintly. "Useless things, they are, turning into-"
"FAKE COINS!" Aiba exclaimed. "Why, Kame-chan, this is glorious!"
"I do not understand," Kame said unsurely.
"We could buy a rowboat instead of that blasted bed of wood and cloth!" Aiba said. "This could make our journey so much better!"
"But they're fake coins," Kame protested.
"Coins are coins," Aiba pshawed. "They're still a payment of some sort."
"That IS true." Kame's face lit up. "Perhaps we could buy a bigger boat! Fast and huge enough for our seamen!"
"My and Shimuken's seamen do need a lot of space," Aiba agreed, thoughts of Ohno and of pretty, pretty Nino flashing across his mind.
"Fantastic!" Kame knelt down to collect the fake coins. "I must gather these amazing things!"
"Ahh, yes, while you're at it, would you kindly lick that pole dry as well"
Kame never had the chance to reply as two men quickly came bounding up, a skip in their step as they stopped in front of Aiba. "What's the hurry that you had to distract me from my midday gaming?" Nino asked in a hurry. "I'd just tricked some kids into thinking that I was a fairy so they'd dive into the town fountain and fish me out some coins!"
"Oh Nino, you're always so good with children," Aiba cooed. "We need not of the fountain coins anymore though. See? Kame-chan's tears are more valuable than any coinage. He cries and we have money!"
Nino eyed the kneeling Kame, wrapped around the pole, suspiciously. "So like all I'd have to do is punch you in the pants and I'd get a bucketfull of coins?" he asked. Kame looked worried.
"Nino!" Aiba admonished. "We've got plenty of coins here so that we can start our EPIC journey of AWESOME. There's no need for violence."
"Journey?" Nino scoffed. "I'm not going on any journey."
Aiba fell onto his knees beside Kame. "You have to though! You have to come along and be my seamen! You'll polish my deck, make sure my sails are hung, and we'll all eat plenty of fruits to prevent scurvy!"
"I don't play secondhand to anyone. If anything at all, you'd be my seaman instead," Nino complained, folding his arms over his chest. "Roping the masts, singing pirate songs, and swabbing MY poop deck."
"I can tell we'll never see eye to eye on this," Aiba sighed and then a marvelous idea struck him like a bolt of lightning. "I know!" he cried out. "Why don't we make Oh-chan captain?"
"Eh?" The sleepy man, oozing masculinity, asked drowsily next to them.
Nino considered it for a moment. "Only if I can be first mate."
"Done!" Aiba cheered. "And I'm second mate!"
"What about me?" Kame asked pathetically, still clutching at the oddly shaped pole as he eyed the gathering warily.
"Isn't it obvious?" Aiba asked and Kame shook his head in denial. "You'll be handling everyone's booty!"
As it turned out, seventeen sacks of Kame's tear coins could only fetch them a very small, rickety old ship that whistled and bounced gaily on the ocean every time a pretty young girl passed by.
Aiba wanted to call it Shimuken Two because of its tendency to get so happy and erect so quickly; Nino wanted to call it Nintenda after the daughter he never really cared for, but whose name reminded him of something more precious to him; Kame wanted to call it Tears for My Lovely Jin for unknown reasons, blushing profusely as he insisted on it.
Ohno wanted to call it Ogura-san and they named it that; being captain had special privileges.
Thus, they started their journey.