Arashi Crack #1

[r_tenou]

Title: the Keys to Manhood
Authors: r_tenou and kokkaii 
Genre: pure and utter crack
Rating: R for innuendo
Disclaimer: None of this ever happened. We do not know or own the various JE groups or other actors mentioned.

Warning. There is heavy OOC in this. You have been warned.

This all spawned from a near-midnight conversation between myself and kokkaii , which had us giggling like teenage girls. It is not to be taken seriously, nor summarize our levels of intelligence. :P

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Part One: Sho and the Manly Caves

Legends state that on dark and crystalline clear nights, when spoken the secret words "you will come without touching yourself", a brilliant light show will erupt amidst the sounds of plop plop plopping, and somewhere, someway, Ninomiya will get his sexy on. Tis MAGIC.

A deep manly voice shall echo through the streets and into every room, whispering into many sexy ears, "surprise buttsechs" and there shall be rejoicing for Ninomiya is, again, impregnated. By who or what isn't of real concern anymore.

And so little Nintenda was born as a fortnight passed. And yea verily did Arashi celebrate with surprise orgies in both the greenroom and the showers. "Condoms? We know not of condoms!" they complained, torn in fits of passion as Aiba decided he too longed for a demon spawn of rainbows.

And thus, a new fertilised egg was conceived, the metaphorical warm oven busy with growth. They all cursed their fates, that such a wonderful MAGICAL night could cause them so much trepidation, that they might not have one more free night as more shrill cries demanded impatiently as if they were mere slaves.
   "It was fun," was all Ohno had to say, his manliness oozing from every pore.

And even though their lives had become nothing more than singing, dancing, and nursing babies from their undeveloped breasts, Nino whispered to Ohno: "I liked you the bestliest best, even if Aiba was a good lay" because there can only be ONE TRUE PAIRING.
   Aiba, in a fit of despair, was taken in by Lady Sho.
   And Matsujun only had his hand to comfort him.

Matsujun loved his hand. He had taken it in, one rainy, lonely night, and after years of fighting a losing battle with it, he finally accepted it. He named it "Shun", sewed it magnificent clothes and took it to places he never thought he could allow anyone else to be in, accepting the intrusion generously. It was a happy, glorious day when they married.
   Shun, unfortunately, died when a wayward axe tore him from Matsujun.
   The tragedy destroyed Jun and he never recovered from it.
   After all, a hook can be very painful.

Laden with tears and girlish fainting, Matsujun tried to replace his lost love with Shun's nearly identical twin hand, but the effect was never quite the same. Shun's dearest twin had problems moving as efficiently and yea though Matsujun coaxed it to it's best work, the fun-tiems were never the same. But lo and behold! Fate did shine down upon the lonely Matsujun in the form of Aiba's mouth, ready and willing and tired of the coy games of prudish Sho.
   Because no one likes a prudence.

Lady Sho was perfect - his hair was perfectly under-shaved and coiffed, back impossibly straight, shoulders magnificently sloped, and biceps amazingly airy, like a tire pumped by an overly excited little boy. However, perfection does not come without curses, and Sho was born with one - one so saddening and disheartening that he had no choice but to act as if his carnal desires were non-existent.
   Sho was born with iron panties, a lock on its side whose key can only be found within the sweaty depths of TOKIO.

It was a bitch to move around with, but after twenty-nine years of wearing the same metallic undergarment, Sho was quite used to the way it chafed his loins. He used a combination of manly ooze from Ohno's sweaty underarms and his own virgin tears to create a calming salve (smelly though it was) to soothe the irritation. However, it was not until he met Aiba's overly large lion, which he petted every night, did Sho feel the need to ditch his panties.

After Aiba was caught doing what Shun had did before with Jun, Sho was determined to free himself from his iron cage. He wanted to be as blissful as Jun was at that moment, to do what Nino was wont to do all around the village. So he packed up his vials of calming salve and lip balms, tucked Ohno's anatomy studies under his arm and made his way to the TOKIO caves. His lonely hero arc had started.

At the mouth of the cave, Sho met a young peasant named Toma, who also wore iron bloomers, at least from what Sho could see under the younger man's tunic and tights. "Nay, what say you, fellow wearer of metal?" Toma called to him and Sho felt his own underwear grow a tad tighter. The guard was luminous, his panties gleaming against the light of the sun under iridescent leggings and Sho knew there that he must have him.

It was later on, when their rhythmic and hurried clanging has slowly ceased, did Sho remember his purpose for being there.
   "I must go," he told Toma.
   "But you have everything you could possibly want here!" Toma said, gesturing towards his magnificent body.
   "No, not everything," Sho said sadly, staring pointedly at Toma's bloomers.
   "Then take me with you!" Toma cried.
   "I am a lonely hero," Sho reminded him. "I journey alone, brooding mysteriously as I do so, scowling attractively at everything. Having you would mean that my journey is less painful, and thus, infinitely not worth it."
   And with that, he left Toma, the younger man's iridescent leggings clutched in his hands.

He carried a torch with him, lit by the manly oozes of Ohno, which had erupted into flame upon meeting a rather large stick that was oddly the shape of the one Nino carried in his pants. He turned down twists and alleys in the underground tunnels until at last he came to a dead end. A pool of light spilled onto a glass case in the overly large sanctuary and for a moment Sho wondered why there was a heart shaped bed by the furthest wall.
   He did not dwell on it though as sleep overcame him and he fell down onto the fabric effortlessly ignoring the pain in his backside.
   "You have found my inner sanctum," a voice bellowed from the shadows. "Do not prod further unless you have protection!"
   Sho startled awake.

Sho paused, listening for further instructions from the disembodied voice, coldness creeping up his spine as he realized that this must be what Nino was talking about: a ghostly Rei Pist (Ohno had oddly snickered when Nino told him this). He heard nothing but silence as he fidgeted uncomfortably on the unusually bumpy bed.
   "I'm sorry, but what exactly do you mean by 'protection'?" he asked loudly.
   Silence reigned again.
   "Well," the voice said, sounding shocked and amused all at once. "Kids these days... this is why we get kids popping out from every corner of the village!"
   "I don't have children," Sho said. "I don't believe I COULD have them."
   "And why is that, you ignorant little fool?" the voice asked curiously.
   Sho shifted. He swore he felt something poke at the seat of his pants. "I am cursed, you see," he said. "I was born with iron panties, the keys of which are only found deeper in this cave."
   There was a gasp, another stunned silence, and then Sho heard whispers of voices urgently discussing something.
   "Virgin~" someone whispered and Sho jumped as he felt something grabbing at his ironclad stick.

"Deeper! Deeper!" the voices called and Sho feared for his life and the safety of his behind. "You must go deeper!" All at once the light grew brighter and Sho could make out the figures of five men levitating where the glass case once stood. The one in front held a giant kebab, licking at the juices and Sho knew they were much more manlier than anything that came out of Ohno's underarms.
   "Are you the great and powerful TOKIO?" Sho asked in despair, thoughts of his beloved Aiba and his lion, which seemed only to grow with every smidgeon of attention given to it, roving through his mind. His iron underwear grew tighter and he could swear something was really poking at his back crack.
   "You must go deeper in if you wish to find the key!" they crooned at once and the one in front held out his meat stick.
   "Want some?"
   Sho couldn't say no.

As soon as Sho's lips touched the dripping stick, the five men disappeared, leaving no trace that they had been there. Gone as fast as they had appeared, Sho thought, they really were Rei Pists (he made it a point to ask Nino if he knew who they were. Nino knew everyone in the village).
   He took a step forward and then another to the closest opening and collapsed. Adrenaline spent for the day, he suddenly felt exhaustion numb him slowly. Before he knew it, his eyes shut themselves and his breath had begun to even out. The keys would have to wait.
   That night, he dreamt of blonde hair, stupid giggles, growing lions, and meat sticks.

He woke up the next morning, disenchanted, and left the cave altogether. The guard was not there when Sho passed the mouth of the cave once more and he found himself glad, for something had surely been bothering at his backside.
   As he passed the field just on the outskirts of town, he did espy himself a Nino and an Ohno, laid among the flowers like two woodland fairies. "I will hammer you beautifully tonight, Kazu," Ohno made a quick promise and Sho's ears were indeed perked. Hammer? Hammer? He thought. He wondered what this hammering they were going to be doing and if it was any sort of ironworks. Maybe they could help him out of his metal predicament.
   As it turned out, their definition of hammer was quite loose.
   Sho found he could not complain.

For some reason, Sho felt his iron panties unusually comfortable, the urge to nail Aiba stronger than ever before. He dreamed about Aiba's fierce lion, Toma's bloomers now suspiciously joining their little circus happily. He didn't understand these visions, choosing to think that they are omens and signs from the gods.
   "I must travel to them," Sho said outloud. "I must ask them about these and the fate of my tight, tight iron panties."
   Unbeknownst to him, a dead-eyed man-robot had heard him and his cries at night, a snarl on the usually tightly pursed lips as the man-robot saw familiar iridescent tights on the clumsy, bumbling hero.

"You have stolen the fair Toma's iridescent tights!" the man robot shouted in accusation, sending Sho scrambling up on shaky limbs. "Knave! Now you will fight me for my lady's honour!" Sho quivered in fear at the sight of the muscled, yet thin robot and his wandering fish eyes. "Is there not another way we might make peace?" he asked in trembling fear.
   "Thou hast stolen my dearest’s dearest!" the robot roared.
   "No! No! See?" Sho lifted his own tunic to show his metal underoos as proof. "We did nothing more than clanging and banging and though it was verily MAGICAL, there was no penetration involved!"
   "Oh..." muttered the robot dumbly. "So then Toma...?"
   "Is still plagued by the same metal discomfort. And though I did offer him some of my manly salve," Sho explained, "he did reject it so, saying that the rust flakes from his dearest Yamapi will do."
   The robot smiled gleefully, his dead fish eyes alight. "That is I!"

The robot suddenly felt his chest hurting and growing, heart becoming fuller and fuller as the happiest of emotions swelled inside him and there was a great flash of light, blinding all the swooning flowers and animals around them.
   When everything cleared, Sho could see a naked man with the most gorgeous abs and shapely man-boobs standing in front of him, the smile on the blank face eerily misplaced.
   "You have made me smile," the man said. "My curse is broken and I am human again!"

"How might I ever repay you?" the man asked and Sho was at a loss. "All that I have ever wanted in this miserable life is to be rid of my curse so that I might move against someone in a manner that is not so dry. That and handjobs are a bitch when you're wearing metal pantaloons."
   The man looked as though he could commiserate.
Having been a robot was a plague upon the man called Yamapi, filled with sleepless nights handling his joystick and wishing it were Toma pressing his buttons.
   "Perhaps it is your own true love that might find the answer?" Yamapi asked and Sho felt his heart swell at the thought of his only one true, love at first sight, Aiba. He dreamed of the day they could be together and that cruel, cruel Matsumoto would be left alone with his hook.

Meanwhile, Jun had become increasingly tired of Aiba.
   Aiba junior had been entertaining and had, for a couple of wonderful weeks, satisfied the cold ice princess, making him forget about Shun.
But now that Sho was gone and Aiba had been so distracted lately, even Jun junior couldn't stand proudly with the knowledge that maybe Aiba didn't love him as much as Shun had.
   Nevertheless, he was the vile, evil villain of this story, and he was determined to keep Aiba from Sho.

He had failed to keep Ohno from Nino and their fate as the ONE TRUE PAIRING, and was then determined to make someone other than himself so infinitely miserable. It wasn't fair that his own love had been lopped short, a stump resting where flowers once grew, and that he had to watch so many blossoming couples - their nectar spilling forth from erect stalks.
   For a time he'd forgotten about Ohno, with Shun's help - the lithe hand holding him tightly at night, guiding him along - but it had all ended far too quickly and in a hot, sticky mess.

Jun wasn't a normal princess; he had the magical ability of the most useless wizards and the face that he once claimed rivaled that of Helen of Troy. He could talk any man, woman, and/or beast into following his every wish and ensnaring Aiba hadn't been that difficult. All he did was present him with the juiciest of all the fried chicken in the kingdom, and the tall man was his, but now that boredom was settling in, he knew that he needed something new.
   So he disguised himself as an old woman, different kinds of poisoned soba in his basket, and he set off, following the metallic smell that Sho's iron panties gave off.

It didn't take long to find Sho, down by the river, washing himself as best he could through the metal underwear. Evil thoughts flowed through Jun's magnificent mind - of soba and poison, of Sho's prone form, and the moment he told Aiba that the air-muscled man was no more.
   But then Sho bent over and something changed inside Matsujun, making his heart grow three sizes larger.
   For indeed, Jun thought that Sho's ass looked delicious in those metal pantaloons.
   And he wanted them for himself.
   He wanted metal underwear to lure all the boys with.
   And everyone would love him.
   No longer would they call his hips girly or feminine or wide-ass. He would once more have a hardness to back up his immovable reputation.

So he altered his looks a bit, making his eyes less piercing, his nose less perfect, and his lips less full. After he was done, nodding approvingly at his still beautiful face, he emerged from the bushes.
   "Oh dear me," he whimpered, a hand pressed against his forehead delicately.
   "What's wrong?" Sho asked him concernedly.
   "I seem to be lost," Jun said, looking around him as frantically as he could. "I cannot find the way to my godmother's." He sobbed exaggeratedly, falling on to the ground and pounding it with his frail hands.
   "God...mother?" Sho asked, suddenly so interested in Jun.
   "Yes," Jun replied. "I haven't given her foot its weekly soba-bath and if it doesn't have it, it'll dry up and run away."
   "That is a very sad story and I am moved," Sho said, although it appeared that he wasn't at all. "So your mother is a god?"
   Jun shrugged. "I guess she is," he said. "But why-"
   Sho was upon him in a second, hand grasping his hook, metallic underwear exciting Jun with its proximity. "Do not despair, fair young lad, for I will help you!" he cried out.
   Jun almost beamed. "Are you sure?"
   "Of course! I am a hero and heroes help those who are distressed, hook or no-" Sho stared at Jun's hook and the ice princess was alarmed. "Have we met before?"
   "N-no!" he denied. "I am not a gorgeous ice princess out to destroy you!"
   "I never thought you were," Sho said. "Well in any case-" he bowed. "Nice to meet you, not-ice-princess, I am Sakurai Sho."
   "A-ah," Jun said, sighing in relief. "Nice to meet you, Sakurai-san, my name is-" his eyes drifted to the trees and the pond, looking for anything that could help him. "Uhmm is NOT Matsumoto Jun, if you were wondering about that." There was a crack and Sho pulled him towards him before a falling leaf landed on his head dangerously. "Leaf...ah, tree..." Jun was sweating buckets now, Sho's gleaming panties not helping him one bit, and when he felt its coldness press against his thigh, he exclaimed, "Holy Mizushima Hiro!"
   "Hah?" Sho asked, baffled by Jun's outburst.
   "Mizushima Hiro," Jun said. "That is my name."

"It is nice to meet you, Mizushima Hiro-san," Sho spoke courteously, hoping that his ulterior motives did not shine through. If he helped Mizushima Hiro-san to find his godmother, then perhaps the GODmother would pop his lock and relieve him of his metal burden. Really, Sho was not picky about who did it. All he wanted was to feel the sweet, sweet relief that came with freedom. "Where is your godmother?"
   "U-uh..." Jun stumbled over his words as his eyes roamed over the subtle shapes in Sho's metallic ass. He wondered if the other male's behind was as shapely underneath the bloomers - and if his package as swelled as the iron codpiece allowed him to believe.
   "You don't know?" Sho whined pathetically. "It's okay though. The effort will be well worth the rewards. Come, Mizushima Hiro-san and we'll find your godmother!" He threw an arm around Matsumoto's shoulders and suddenly Jun wished he really did have his own pair of metal underwear, if only to hide his own surprises.
   Jun allowed himself to be led forward, Sho's metal underwear digging into his side painfully - in nearly excruciating pleasure. Indeed, he liked Sho's panties hard. He wondered what it would be like to be bound by such restraints...
   And realized he was just as much a masochist as a sadist. Amidst his identity crisis, Sho hummed happily beside him, never once realizing that he was traipsing through the forest half-naked. If he had, he would have realized the effect he was having on the other chipmunks and their nuts.

"Young master!" Someone called behind Sho and Jun and they both turned, Jun glaring at the intruder.
   A wet naked man was swimming where Sho was bathing earlier, skin glistening with little droplets of water as he emerged from the lake, rivulets dripping from his man-boobs. "Master, you promised I could come travel with you!" he said, wagging his fingers in front of Sho's face, voice accusing even though his eyes were blank.
   It would've disturbed Jun had he been looking at the man's face.
   As it was, he was more distracted by wet swinging things.

"Oh Yamapi, do forgive me, but I had forgotten about you..." Sho said and Jun wondered how he could be so unaffected by wet dangly bits. They swung to and fro and Jun could not tear his eyes away, even as Sho continued speaking. His eyes followed the movement and suddenly he grew very sleepy, his lids closing until the world was black and he could only murmur "Shun..." under his breath.
   "Yamapi!" Sho shouted and Jun's eyes snapped open. "Please do put that watch away. It probably doesn't even work anymore, having soaked in a river! You should have left it with your clothes!"
   Yamapi mumbled something about having found it somewhere amongst the pebbles and the fish and so Jun snatched it away.

Jun threw the watch on the ground, stepping on it repeatedly until nothing but gleaming shards were left. When he looked up, he saw Yamapi and Sho staring at him, shocked. "It was evil," he told Yamapi hurriedly. "It yearned for your blood."
   "How on earth could you possibly know that?!" Yamapi asked.
   "I'm a magician," Jun lied. "I know about these things."
   "Really!" Sho exclaimed. "Mizushima-san, you are simply wonderful!"
   "Some tell me I'm Mah-velous," Jun said, cursing his blushing cheeks. It's those cursed panties, he thought, yes, that must be it.
   "Hehe, yeah," he heard Yamapi say quietly, and when he looked at him, he was surprised to find the naked man's eyes staring on him intensely, hearts forming around them. "Y-you're really... something."
   "Thank you?" Jun said.
   "You saved my life!" Yamapi took Jun's hands. "And now, I am indebted to you, too."
   "Oh really?" Jun said, pulling his hand from the man's tight grip.
   "I will follow you everywhere," Yamapi swore, a dumb lovestruck smile on his face. "Even if we were to travel to the ends of the earth, we would still be together! This, until I paid you fully back." He kissed Jun's hand, tongue and all and it took all of Jun's willpower not to recoil in disgust.

"Come along now," Sho said, pulling on Toma's iridescent tights so that his iron panties would not rust from the exposed air. It was already uncomfortable as is, and he was quickly running out of Ohno's manly salve to remedy his raw thighs. The oozing from Ohno's pits however was hard to come by. The shrewd peddler Nino kept a tight reign on its sales and Sho had more often than not spent a pretty penny to keep himself in stock.
   "It is too bad you do not have any more of your magical rust," he said to Yamapi as they continued forth away from the river. Matsumoto walked cautiously behind, to get a better view, he'd said - though Sho didn't understand how a better view could come from behind.
   "I do have some," Yamapi said, pulling a vial from behind him, almost magically. "But it will do no good unless mixed with the spit of a magician.
   "Why Yamapi, have you forgotten? Our dear Mizushima Hiro-san is a magician!" Sho cheered instantly, turning back to the beautiful man. "Mizushima-san will you offer some of your saliva?"
   Jun spat in the vial and Yamapi then did mix it well before handing it to Sho. Matsumoto watched as the ironclad man slathered his fingers with the substance and entered his own pants to apply it with a hissing breath of relief. It looked MAGICAL.

The skies were beginning to grow darker and the foliage were getting denser the deeper they walked into the forest. Yamapi was shivering soon enough and though Jun loved seeing his little buns quiver as they walked, he admitted that suffering quivering isn't that amusing as well. So he took his coat off and draped it over Yamapi.
   The naked man looked at him in surprise. "Your suffering is annoying me," Jun said. He tried to ignore the way Yamapi's eyes shone with adoration as he sniffed at Jun's coat as if it caused him INFINITE PLEASURE.
   Up ahead, Jun spotted Sho beginning to act suspiciously, the shorter man's hands scratching at his thighs.
   "Need a hand?" he asked Sho.
   "No- well, yes!" Sho said, eyes frantic. "My thighs are itching badly."
   "But that can't be!" Yamapi cried out, blank eyes fixed on Sho's iron panties. "My rust has never failed Toma before!"
   Jun's eyes widened. Of course! He wasn't a magician at all; he was an ice princess and his spit must have reacted badly to Yamapi's rust!

Jun was plagued by an odd sense of guilt, repeatedly offering to rub and soothe Sho's tender loins, but the slightly shorter man continually brushed him off. Only Yamapi acted well to his advances, saying things like: "Oh Magician-san, there seems to be a crink in my pants. Would you be so kind as to massage it for me?"
   He wasn't even wearing pants.
   They settled down by a large oak tree, standing tall and shading them from even the light of the moon, and Jun did his best to sidle up to Sho's side, brushing against the cool iron in his pants. "Why is it you agreed so heartily to help me find my er... godmother?" Jun asked, trying not to make it so obvious that he was trying to worm his way onto Sho's lap.
   "Honestly?" Sho asked, obliviously. "I am on a journey to find a way to remove my metal pantaloons. They do cause irritation, but mostly I wish to feel my dearest LOVE Aiba pressed against me, warm and writhing as he takes his lion and puts it-" he was cut off when Matsujun placed a kiss to his temple and fondly fondled his metallic codpiece, though Sho could not feel it.
   Matsujun smiled warmly. "I love your metal panties, just as they are."