Beast vs. Man.
Set after his talk with Scorpius.
He had known where to go long before leaving for Arizona; Remus had known it as soon as he had become consciously aware of the high possibility that the beast inside him would be unleashed in the altercation. Now he needed a place where the wolf would be subdued; where he could tame it long enough to cage it back into that place where it was usually trapped, and the only place he could think of was a small abandoned house out in the country that he hadn't visited in years.
Remus knew this place inside out. He knew which floorboards creaked the loudest, how to work the doorknob so it could open, just how big the rooms were and how many steps it took to go from one wall to another. He had paced those floors many times. He had been surrounded by those walls for what sometimes felt like an eternity. He had lived there for the first eleven years of his life.
After his parents had passed away it had become impossible for him to sell the place. Not because it held sentimental value, but because the neighbors knew the tragedy that had befallen the family living there and it kept others away. His curse somehow got attached to the house, and after the first war ended he had decided to simply set charms to protect it before he went into hiding. He could have stayed there instead of living on the streets, but Remus had preferred to use that place for his transformations whenever he didn't have another option. An uncontrolled werewolf (since the Wolfsbane didn't exist then) running through the streets was something he never dared to even contemplate, and sometimes a thick forest was nowhere to be found, so the house always allowed him a place where he could keep himself from harming others. It enraged the wolf to be there, because for it there were no good memories attached to the room where some of the most violent transformations occurred due to the frustration of being locked up, but it was the only place he had.
Right now it was also the only place he allowed himself to go to.
He couldn't return home for now, because he was having a very hard time controlling every animalistic instinct that kept trying to surface. The wolf didn't want to wait for the full moon; it wanted to be set free completely now. It wanted prey. It still wanted to teach that pup a lesson for daring to snarl at the alpha wolf. It wanted to lock up Remus Lupin in that cage Moony was usually kept in and take over.
In the past this had already happened once during the first war. It had happened during a battle that had brought out the absolute worst in him, and it had left him so scared of what he could become that he had sworn that he would never let this side of him resurface. Now here he was, many years later, in the same spot and trying to find a way back.
After so many years, despite the fact that he fought this more often than a lot of people were aware of, he was still not used to that struggle. Right now he could feel it in every muscle of his body; he could feel how his mind was getting torn in half as one part wanted the give in to the beast and the other one wanted to hold on to what he really was. Who he really was.
Remus Lupin. Husband, father, friend.
Werewolf.
Moony. Animal, beast, predator.
As soon as he set foot in the house the beast growled. It snarled. It clawed and gnawed at him as it kept trying to break through, because it wanted to get far away from this place. It didn't want walls, or memories of bad transformations, or even the thought of a cage. It wanted open spaces, and places to be itself, and prey. It wanted blood. It wanted everything Remus would never let it have. Each step he took into the house the beast seemed to get louder and louder, and the strain on his body was stronger as the two identities clashed inside him, but he just kept walking until he reached a door.
The beast growled. It growled so loudly, it struggled so much, that Remus himself let out the growl under his breath as he walked into the empty room. It had been there where he had transformed so many times, ever since he was seven years old, and now he simply walked around the room with his finger tips running along the walls. He could feel every dent he ever made trying to get out. He could feel how claws had dug into the wood; he could feel the struggle that he had lived through then mixing in with what he was feeling now.
Merlin, how he wanted to give in. How he wanted to keep fighting against that temptation.
Give in. Keep fighting.
Keep fighting. Give in.
He just wanted it to end...
Leaning against the wall, he slid down to the floor as if he was waiting for the moon to rise, but instead he just waited for the beast to go away long enough so he could go and send a few owls. Pushing back the beast completely would take him a day or two, and he didn't want to worry anyone because Remus still had enough of his mind right now to keep them in mind. He had to, and for that reason he knew he couldn't face them like this. Not with the wolf surfacing so easily. He would scare his children, he would worry the rest, and... No. They would understand, and he would control this, and soon he would be back. A day. Maybe two, but he would control it.
He hoped so, at least. He just had to; for their sake, and for his own.
He had known where to go long before leaving for Arizona; Remus had known it as soon as he had become consciously aware of the high possibility that the beast inside him would be unleashed in the altercation. Now he needed a place where the wolf would be subdued; where he could tame it long enough to cage it back into that place where it was usually trapped, and the only place he could think of was a small abandoned house out in the country that he hadn't visited in years.
Remus knew this place inside out. He knew which floorboards creaked the loudest, how to work the doorknob so it could open, just how big the rooms were and how many steps it took to go from one wall to another. He had paced those floors many times. He had been surrounded by those walls for what sometimes felt like an eternity. He had lived there for the first eleven years of his life.
After his parents had passed away it had become impossible for him to sell the place. Not because it held sentimental value, but because the neighbors knew the tragedy that had befallen the family living there and it kept others away. His curse somehow got attached to the house, and after the first war ended he had decided to simply set charms to protect it before he went into hiding. He could have stayed there instead of living on the streets, but Remus had preferred to use that place for his transformations whenever he didn't have another option. An uncontrolled werewolf (since the Wolfsbane didn't exist then) running through the streets was something he never dared to even contemplate, and sometimes a thick forest was nowhere to be found, so the house always allowed him a place where he could keep himself from harming others. It enraged the wolf to be there, because for it there were no good memories attached to the room where some of the most violent transformations occurred due to the frustration of being locked up, but it was the only place he had.
Right now it was also the only place he allowed himself to go to.
He couldn't return home for now, because he was having a very hard time controlling every animalistic instinct that kept trying to surface. The wolf didn't want to wait for the full moon; it wanted to be set free completely now. It wanted prey. It still wanted to teach that pup a lesson for daring to snarl at the alpha wolf. It wanted to lock up Remus Lupin in that cage Moony was usually kept in and take over.
In the past this had already happened once during the first war. It had happened during a battle that had brought out the absolute worst in him, and it had left him so scared of what he could become that he had sworn that he would never let this side of him resurface. Now here he was, many years later, in the same spot and trying to find a way back.
After so many years, despite the fact that he fought this more often than a lot of people were aware of, he was still not used to that struggle. Right now he could feel it in every muscle of his body; he could feel how his mind was getting torn in half as one part wanted the give in to the beast and the other one wanted to hold on to what he really was. Who he really was.
Remus Lupin. Husband, father, friend.
Werewolf.
Moony. Animal, beast, predator.
As soon as he set foot in the house the beast growled. It snarled. It clawed and gnawed at him as it kept trying to break through, because it wanted to get far away from this place. It didn't want walls, or memories of bad transformations, or even the thought of a cage. It wanted open spaces, and places to be itself, and prey. It wanted blood. It wanted everything Remus would never let it have. Each step he took into the house the beast seemed to get louder and louder, and the strain on his body was stronger as the two identities clashed inside him, but he just kept walking until he reached a door.
The beast growled. It growled so loudly, it struggled so much, that Remus himself let out the growl under his breath as he walked into the empty room. It had been there where he had transformed so many times, ever since he was seven years old, and now he simply walked around the room with his finger tips running along the walls. He could feel every dent he ever made trying to get out. He could feel how claws had dug into the wood; he could feel the struggle that he had lived through then mixing in with what he was feeling now.
Merlin, how he wanted to give in. How he wanted to keep fighting against that temptation.
Give in. Keep fighting.
Keep fighting. Give in.
He just wanted it to end...
Leaning against the wall, he slid down to the floor as if he was waiting for the moon to rise, but instead he just waited for the beast to go away long enough so he could go and send a few owls. Pushing back the beast completely would take him a day or two, and he didn't want to worry anyone because Remus still had enough of his mind right now to keep them in mind. He had to, and for that reason he knew he couldn't face them like this. Not with the wolf surfacing so easily. He would scare his children, he would worry the rest, and... No. They would understand, and he would control this, and soon he would be back. A day. Maybe two, but he would control it.
He hoped so, at least. He just had to; for their sake, and for his own.