(no subject)
"The only way from up is down"
"Yes", I thought to myself. I played angel and devil with myself for a little while and then I began to think about the reality again. Things don't change, people do. People change in the scariest ways; appearances, behaviors, mentality and brutality. As I list these things I knew I was only wasting my time, but as much as I avoided thinking that I was abnormal, I looked into the lives of the people around me and then realized. I was sorry for all of their mishaps, their misconceptions, and their mistakes. I caught my own demon by its neck and screamed, "Is this what you want me to do? Is this?" And knowing them so well by now, they avalanched around me and sat down. "You know we let you decide your fate, to leave and admit you've been the mistake, or, to live and know that your suffering is a labyrinth of whatever you try to build up"
72-feet off the ground, I swing my legs to the rhythm of the wind. I see beautiful night lights that busy people took no time to notice. I see life pass me by. And of course, Humans, disgustingly pondering. I watch tall structures from afar start to flicker, almost as thought telling me too that it is my time. This was also the time I started to freeze, I could not move, no matter how much I tried I was frozen. Images came into my mind, of the past 19 years of my life. My brain did the math almost automatically without myself asking, 6935 days and approximately 92 of the cliche quarters scientists put to numerically labeling time. It was enough.
Although I wish I did live life like in the movies or in stupid dramas, where they'll always be people, or at least one person who tries to save you, I do now believe that eventually, we all leave alone. I knew it for a long time now that God's love is the greatest and my eagerness to understand why and how has taken me aback long enough. I know that no matter how much my friends told me they are here and they love me, no matter how much my family tells me to stop, or for her to tell me that I'm only being selfish, that I no longer believe, I can't stop and I am not. I want to say that although I know you all try very hard to understand that you do not. And what pains me the most is despite these things you all grow sick of hearing about, is that I have to live through every day again, trying so hard to breathe in painful air that reminds me that I am alone and everything is my fault. I have been here a gazillion and one times. Less than that actually, but each moment I find myself here, I feel so ever unsafe. Then I thought about this one person who showed me light, but has left ever since. You didn't give up on me. You offered me help, but I did not take it. And for that, I am sorry.
I think, the entire issue has been me from the start. And it should too, end with me.
24.11.2013