Sixth November xx
To think of all spaces of how it already is, makes me feel so unsafe, so revealed and so intruded. Thinking of how i can no longer have the same peace in mind whenever i write something here, (or there) makes it feel that my own "world" has been taken away from me. For quite a long time now i've faced this problem, yet it kills me every time i think of how it's not only that i don't have people to turn to, i don't even have an empty space i can turn to...
Everything has been eating me up recently, although i'll like to be strong and tell myself i need to get through this. And it sucks, really sucks when people don't think about how you feel. I feel as though someone popped my bubble of imaginary sanctuary and left me bewildered of everything else that is driving me nuts. On the other hand, it feels like i'm living in denial. I don't know. Just feeling lost again, i guess.
The worse of all things is, why did you have to be that person? There is no other way i can write this down to make you understand what you're really putting me through except for all the things your eyes can see. I keep struggling with the same thoughts but yeah you can't do anything about it, you can't say anything to make me feel better and all you're asking is for me to feel better and to stop thinking. I really wish that it was really that much easier... I really wish my mind could switch off instead of feeling as though you're continuously pulling the trigger at my head. I wish i had a really big cut on my arm that could replace the pain that i literally feel in all parts of my body.
Sometimes i lose my breath, and i think of how Ms Tan gave me a shot in my eye (yes my left eye to be exact) because i dreamt that i had passed out when someone tried to stab me. As blurry as it was, i kinda suspect that the person was you. To be honest, it is you, because in reality i find it so hard to breathe when i think about you, think of us and i think about all the things that has happened and could possibly happen, even if i did or did not find out. People may listen to the story and think that i'm overreacting, you may be questioning how i didn't stop you when i was already uncomfortable. I don't know opinions to both because i thought i knew you. What disappointed me should be how at that split moment you weren't you. It wasn't in a split moment actually, it was many split moments.
I dislike using the word hurt, because you should no longer be that easy to get to me. I shouldn't have been this affected, shouldnt have felt this raw. However, it does feel more than that. It feels like you've stripped me of my skin, divulge my flesh and let it bleed and throb at the same time. I know you are sorry and trust me when i say i do. I know how it feels to have tears down your face perhaps in every possible second humans gave a numerical symbol to. I know how it burns. And precisely because i do, i feel that i've became such a selfish person. I feel that i should be more giving, but honestly, to hell with that thought. What about me?
I feel so underestimated, so weighed over. I feel so displeased with myself. I feel as though i can see my cheeks growing rounder through my own eyes as i look downwards. I feel as though i need to stop eating to take away everything. I feel like shutting myself away, from the world, from people, from you. Yet at the same time, i feel that i should have known better. I should have seen this coming my way and not think that everything is flowery. I should know too as well, of what others will come in the future. I feel as though i am no longer a human being. I feel like dirt. I feel like fallen leaves that the tree has tried to revive over and over but it died of its own will. I feel like everything else, including you, are growing further and further from me and the person i am now. I feel so sad. Every time i look into the mirror i see the same old, tired eyes. I hear a voice but of nothing that speaks. I think of moldy cookies and i don't feel exceptionally upset that they are unlike in the past, i feel like everything in this living world has degraded. I try to find happiness in every corner of people's soul, i try to believe in the good despite hearing the bad. But i'm really afraid i cannot take it anymore...
I want to write. But i don't want to write about my sadness or my relentlessness like Lang Leav did. I want to write about happiness, motivation and success. I want to be that person. Not someone dull, not someone who does not know how to treasure life. I want to be happy again, you know?
Everything has been eating me up recently, although i'll like to be strong and tell myself i need to get through this. And it sucks, really sucks when people don't think about how you feel. I feel as though someone popped my bubble of imaginary sanctuary and left me bewildered of everything else that is driving me nuts. On the other hand, it feels like i'm living in denial. I don't know. Just feeling lost again, i guess.
The worse of all things is, why did you have to be that person? There is no other way i can write this down to make you understand what you're really putting me through except for all the things your eyes can see. I keep struggling with the same thoughts but yeah you can't do anything about it, you can't say anything to make me feel better and all you're asking is for me to feel better and to stop thinking. I really wish that it was really that much easier... I really wish my mind could switch off instead of feeling as though you're continuously pulling the trigger at my head. I wish i had a really big cut on my arm that could replace the pain that i literally feel in all parts of my body.
Sometimes i lose my breath, and i think of how Ms Tan gave me a shot in my eye (yes my left eye to be exact) because i dreamt that i had passed out when someone tried to stab me. As blurry as it was, i kinda suspect that the person was you. To be honest, it is you, because in reality i find it so hard to breathe when i think about you, think of us and i think about all the things that has happened and could possibly happen, even if i did or did not find out. People may listen to the story and think that i'm overreacting, you may be questioning how i didn't stop you when i was already uncomfortable. I don't know opinions to both because i thought i knew you. What disappointed me should be how at that split moment you weren't you. It wasn't in a split moment actually, it was many split moments.
I dislike using the word hurt, because you should no longer be that easy to get to me. I shouldn't have been this affected, shouldnt have felt this raw. However, it does feel more than that. It feels like you've stripped me of my skin, divulge my flesh and let it bleed and throb at the same time. I know you are sorry and trust me when i say i do. I know how it feels to have tears down your face perhaps in every possible second humans gave a numerical symbol to. I know how it burns. And precisely because i do, i feel that i've became such a selfish person. I feel that i should be more giving, but honestly, to hell with that thought. What about me?
I feel so underestimated, so weighed over. I feel so displeased with myself. I feel as though i can see my cheeks growing rounder through my own eyes as i look downwards. I feel as though i need to stop eating to take away everything. I feel like shutting myself away, from the world, from people, from you. Yet at the same time, i feel that i should have known better. I should have seen this coming my way and not think that everything is flowery. I should know too as well, of what others will come in the future. I feel as though i am no longer a human being. I feel like dirt. I feel like fallen leaves that the tree has tried to revive over and over but it died of its own will. I feel like everything else, including you, are growing further and further from me and the person i am now. I feel so sad. Every time i look into the mirror i see the same old, tired eyes. I hear a voice but of nothing that speaks. I think of moldy cookies and i don't feel exceptionally upset that they are unlike in the past, i feel like everything in this living world has degraded. I try to find happiness in every corner of people's soul, i try to believe in the good despite hearing the bad. But i'm really afraid i cannot take it anymore...
I want to write. But i don't want to write about my sadness or my relentlessness like Lang Leav did. I want to write about happiness, motivation and success. I want to be that person. Not someone dull, not someone who does not know how to treasure life. I want to be happy again, you know?