The phrase that pays
Okay, so somehow, William Beckett always seems to have this sorta pull on me... It's kind of amazing really. He's kind of amazing really. He makes me think of just going on with the rest of my life, unlike, when listening to Fall Out Boy makes me think of what I do wrong.
My mom told me that if I started praying, things would get better. & I started to think, maybe she's right? A lot of people thank "God" or the faith they had in their religion whenever they recieve an award or accomplish something that got them there. They said because they belive and have faith. It accurred to me, that I dunt have faith. At like, all. In anything, or anyone. I dunt have faith in Nancy, like she said. I dunt have faith in my mom anymore. But, I need that. I want to have faith in something. To have something or someone to turn to and be like, "They'll be there, things will get better, not the entire world has walked out" because that's exacltly how things feel right now. The world has walked out on me. & I dunt have anything/anyone to turn to. I realized it just thinking about Pete. Pete is great. I want to be like him, he has everything. He is everything. But, every great writer has taken their own life. & in my oppinion, Pete is too smart for this world. And maybe that's expecting one day, awful to say. Same with Nancy. She realizes things in this world. She see's everything. People dunt do that. Terrible to say, maybe that's expecting one day of her. She is a great writer. & my mom. Ohh, my mom. The only person I actually consider me having left. The only person I really love and am staying here any longer for. The only reason I have not run away yet; I know things are hard for her right now, but not sorry to say she brought it on herself. She is really the only person I have left. & when she walks out on me the way she did for a week, come home and leaves again, then comes back and leaves again at 5AM just makes me feel, like I should have faith in something other. Maybe having a religion isn't so bad. Maybe people have a religion because it's not a harm to anyone or anything. They aren't hurting anyone, they just want to belive and they want things to get better. & I always feel that when you do good things, good things come easier to you. But then , what's the harm in not having a religion? What's the harm in trying to fix things yourself? Hurting people. Hurting yourself. Having no one to turn to. That's the harm. Being alone. & I can't say that I've never had this feeling of being isolated before. Even when I used to be surrounded by the sea of losers I used to call my girlfriends I always felt isolated. Even before that. Even after. Without them, with others, I still would. But, each time get's more and more intense.