ahhhh crazy
so...
sometime during my freshman year (or my only year) at art school, i freaked out. totally. and i turned into a psycho. shaved my head, broke my edge, just went crazy. i completely destroyed everything i was overnight.
there was this one guy who wasn't the cause of any of it, but he got caught in the middle. i guess you could say he was just the last straw that broke the camel's back and all of a sudden everything that NEEDED to happen to me just did.
so he's kind of been this representative of that entire time in my life since then. it's been what, 4 or 5 years now? i always imagined meeting him again and feeling some sort of closure. some sort of "it wasn't really you and i'm sorry that i acted so insane" kind of thing.
of course, i always imagined i'd be fabulously gorgeous, my husband would be fabulously gorgeous, our kids would be perfect, we'd meet at some museum in france and i would lord it over him. but that's all vanity, right? i mean, what woman doesn't want to be looking and feeling absolutely fab when she runs into an ex?
aaaaaaaaanyway. i finally just had to wonder if maybe he was on myspace. and then the thought turned into action and i found him.
which was crazy. because when i knew him, he was the antithesis of everything he is now. he was all dark and broody, naturally. he was heavy into The Doors and ecstasy and selling drugs and painting tortured images. which was exactly opposite of myself.
the guy i knew was planning to move to england, get a masters in philosophy. he sat all night talking about nietzsche and having an existential crisis.
and now? pfffft! he moved like one town over from the art school, has a long term girlfriend, had a baby and he just looks like a normal effin guy! i mean, what? seriously? he's actually kind of dorky looking. and he got too skinny. and he has a dumb haircut. his daughter is cute but seriously, what?
i felt a bit voyeuristic. but i mean, this guy has more or less haunted me for four years now. it's been probably one of the only things on my regret list ever. and at first my heart was pounding, and then it was followed by relief and a sense of freedom because he's NOT the guy he used to be. he didn't fulfill his potential. and does that make me smug? i guess so. i guess that makes me kind of a bad person. it just relieves me in some way to know that he's a normal freaking guy, not some otherworldly entity that swooped onto earth to change my life forever, and then disappear into the ether. he's real and he's an average dude. with a kid. and a girlfriend. and he lives in a boring town peddling his art.
so it doesn't haunt me anymore. but now a part of me wonders if i should still apologize to him or if i should just leave it be.
i can't imagine he'd want to hear from me. so i guess i'd just leave it be.
but i guess i want him to see that i've become completely normal too.
i guess it's just insane. maybe the entire episode will always haunt me. who knows?
<3 becky
sometime during my freshman year (or my only year) at art school, i freaked out. totally. and i turned into a psycho. shaved my head, broke my edge, just went crazy. i completely destroyed everything i was overnight.
there was this one guy who wasn't the cause of any of it, but he got caught in the middle. i guess you could say he was just the last straw that broke the camel's back and all of a sudden everything that NEEDED to happen to me just did.
so he's kind of been this representative of that entire time in my life since then. it's been what, 4 or 5 years now? i always imagined meeting him again and feeling some sort of closure. some sort of "it wasn't really you and i'm sorry that i acted so insane" kind of thing.
of course, i always imagined i'd be fabulously gorgeous, my husband would be fabulously gorgeous, our kids would be perfect, we'd meet at some museum in france and i would lord it over him. but that's all vanity, right? i mean, what woman doesn't want to be looking and feeling absolutely fab when she runs into an ex?
aaaaaaaaanyway. i finally just had to wonder if maybe he was on myspace. and then the thought turned into action and i found him.
which was crazy. because when i knew him, he was the antithesis of everything he is now. he was all dark and broody, naturally. he was heavy into The Doors and ecstasy and selling drugs and painting tortured images. which was exactly opposite of myself.
the guy i knew was planning to move to england, get a masters in philosophy. he sat all night talking about nietzsche and having an existential crisis.
and now? pfffft! he moved like one town over from the art school, has a long term girlfriend, had a baby and he just looks like a normal effin guy! i mean, what? seriously? he's actually kind of dorky looking. and he got too skinny. and he has a dumb haircut. his daughter is cute but seriously, what?
i felt a bit voyeuristic. but i mean, this guy has more or less haunted me for four years now. it's been probably one of the only things on my regret list ever. and at first my heart was pounding, and then it was followed by relief and a sense of freedom because he's NOT the guy he used to be. he didn't fulfill his potential. and does that make me smug? i guess so. i guess that makes me kind of a bad person. it just relieves me in some way to know that he's a normal freaking guy, not some otherworldly entity that swooped onto earth to change my life forever, and then disappear into the ether. he's real and he's an average dude. with a kid. and a girlfriend. and he lives in a boring town peddling his art.
so it doesn't haunt me anymore. but now a part of me wonders if i should still apologize to him or if i should just leave it be.
i can't imagine he'd want to hear from me. so i guess i'd just leave it be.
but i guess i want him to see that i've become completely normal too.
i guess it's just insane. maybe the entire episode will always haunt me. who knows?
<3 becky