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In which I say "that" a million times and also fucking hell, Rachel might have been right
Thankfully the heart issue has been diagnosed, and it's far less serious than I feared. Due to decades of unregulated high blood pressure, I have something called "left ventricular hypertrophy" and it's easily treatable with medication. So, knock one worry off the top of the totem pole ( Read more... ) -
Stream of conscience
So I am writing this while 1) absolutely ravenous and 2) in the hospital. (I am mercifully not hooked up to anything except a portable heart monitor) So forgive if this is choppy, but then, it certainly wouldn't be the most incoherent thing I've ever written on Livejournal ( Read more... ) -
Self doubt
So sometimes the internal monologue responds like this:
OTHER PERSON: You're so pretty!
ME: Thanks! internally: It's all just makeup and angles. It's fake.
OTHER PERSON: You're so smart!
ME: Thanks! internally: It's all just surface material I get skimming headlines. It's fake.
OTHER PERSON: You're so compassionate!
ME: Thanks! internally: I ( Read more... ) -
The finality of it
More "I'm not sure what to write, only that I have the time and energy" - and oddly enough, the drive. I remember this ( Read more... ) -
Afraid of this
One of the most surprising things about organ failure and the shrinking of my life to fit the treatment has been the feeling of being disappeared. I find myself just as self-obsessed as I ever was, but as the years go by, I forget that others can see me, too. And then - then I am shocked when they tell me they DO see me ( Read more... ) -
It can't be that easy
I found something the other day. My youtube autoplayed (a thing I hate it doing, I'd thought I'd turned it off) and across my headphones came Inzo "Overthinker" which features some spoken words in the song, a partial speech from Alan Watts. I've heard the name in passing, (and of course, heard about the Alan Watts Project), but being as my young ( Read more... ) -
Not yet
I don't know what I want to write - only that I have time and that I could write. I dreamed about dialysis last night, chained to a room I could never leave. How appropo. I dreamt of the sea, a creeping, sickening-smelling tide, rising inch by inevitable inch to swallow me whole ( Read more... ) -
Of course
So my therapist, whom I've seen twice now, suggested that maybe I try writing again. It's difficult - my mornings are no longer free, and since I've quit smoking, I no longer wake up at 5 AM. Those precious hours where I could wrap word against wrist and onto keyboard are spent holding onto precious, precious sleep ( Read more... ) -
Is it a Livejournal entry without excessive italics? Stream of conscience
How do I write something that I've said before, but this time without sounding self-indulgent? Can one ever sound TOO self-indulgent when writing about the loss of your internal organs? How much time do I want to waste feeling angry, confused, bitter, or resentful - and can I stop myself from feeling those things regardless of how much precious ( Read more... ) -
Bart Calender
Because so often we don't know if our online friends have died or simply moved to other platforms, I wanted to let people know that Bart_Calender, after a series of complications with strokes, has passed away. He was a dear and integral part of my Livejournal experience for nearly two decades, and then on FB and I just............I'll miss him. I'm ( Read more... )