Afraid of this
One of the most surprising things about organ failure and the shrinking of my life to fit the treatment has been the feeling of being disappeared. I find myself just as self-obsessed as I ever was, but as the years go by, I forget that others can see me, too. And then - then I am shocked when they tell me they DO see me.
This surprises me because it wasn't like this when I was younger. I was loud and attention-seeking. Hell, still am, but as this disease boxes me in even further, I forget that I exist outside of my head. It's so often difficult to tell if the volume is just in my head - if I'm the only one who can hear how loud it is, or if it translates into actual volume OUTSIDE of myself.
Maybe that's not chronic illness. Maybe that's just being human. Whatever it is, though, it's new TO ME.
I also realized I need to adjust my goals. So far, the goal has been "exposure-therapy yourself to every detailed and graphic thing you can read/watch about dialysis so that it does not scare you." That's what I've done my whole life and it's always worked.
It's not working this time - and time is running out. I need to change the goal. Now it's "learn how to feel the fear without breaking down."
Because I don't think I can stop being afraid of this. I don't think I can logic myself out of the tears that come up everyfuckingtime I think of maneuvering through my daily life with this. I can't "be-morbidly-fascinated-by-the-blood-and-guts-part-of-it" myself out of that fear, either. (I was really counting on that to do trick and it is so disappointing that it didn't put even a dent in how terrifying this is for me.)
If I cannot rid myself of the fear, then I must grow around it. I can sit at my computer, typing this even if I am crying onto the keyboard, my mind at deafening decibels screaming NO NO I DON'T WANT TO DO THIS, THIS IS JUST A BAD DREAM, WAKE UP, TERESSA, WAKE UP..............and I can still go on and live my life. I can wake up, and reach out when people reach out to me, and pet my cats, and post memes and be absolutely petrified of the future all at the same time. I can do this.
Because - like I've said in what must be hundreds of entries now - what else is there to do with Life except.......live it?
This surprises me because it wasn't like this when I was younger. I was loud and attention-seeking. Hell, still am, but as this disease boxes me in even further, I forget that I exist outside of my head. It's so often difficult to tell if the volume is just in my head - if I'm the only one who can hear how loud it is, or if it translates into actual volume OUTSIDE of myself.
Maybe that's not chronic illness. Maybe that's just being human. Whatever it is, though, it's new TO ME.
I also realized I need to adjust my goals. So far, the goal has been "exposure-therapy yourself to every detailed and graphic thing you can read/watch about dialysis so that it does not scare you." That's what I've done my whole life and it's always worked.
It's not working this time - and time is running out. I need to change the goal. Now it's "learn how to feel the fear without breaking down."
Because I don't think I can stop being afraid of this. I don't think I can logic myself out of the tears that come up everyfuckingtime I think of maneuvering through my daily life with this. I can't "be-morbidly-fascinated-by-the-blood-and-guts-part-of-it" myself out of that fear, either. (I was really counting on that to do trick and it is so disappointing that it didn't put even a dent in how terrifying this is for me.)
If I cannot rid myself of the fear, then I must grow around it. I can sit at my computer, typing this even if I am crying onto the keyboard, my mind at deafening decibels screaming NO NO I DON'T WANT TO DO THIS, THIS IS JUST A BAD DREAM, WAKE UP, TERESSA, WAKE UP..............and I can still go on and live my life. I can wake up, and reach out when people reach out to me, and pet my cats, and post memes and be absolutely petrified of the future all at the same time. I can do this.
Because - like I've said in what must be hundreds of entries now - what else is there to do with Life except.......live it?