writing
I've been not-writing because a) I'm self-conscious about only writing when I'm depressed or frustrated. I don't want to look back and only remember those days. And b) my emotional brain isn't communicating with me lately. I suspect leaving my mood unexamined is an act of neural-self-preservation.
Neither of those reasons sits well with me. Do I really want to preserve those particular neural paths? Really? So I will prattle.
I canceled a doctor's appointment I had today. Actually I slowed myself down so much that I decided to call to say I would be late and was told to reschedule. This indicates that I am more worried about this weird lump thingy in my tummy than I was aware. It is also the result of my reflex to demonstrate to myself and the world that I am less functional than I think I am. It seems to kick in when I am trying to gauge my level of functionality to make decisions about my future. This is a bad, bad reflex (no biscuit). This is where all (most?) of my anger and violence show up. I have had this pointed out to me over the last few years but I think I'm only getting it now. It makes me feel human somehow at the same time that it shames me.
Weird lump thingy in my tummy? In August I was scratching a mosquito bite when I noticed a hard lump near my navel just under the skin, near but not adjacent to my surgical scar. I showed it to a doctor who said not to worry unless it started growing or hurting. I don't know whether I just didn't notice its slow growth or whether it has expanded quickly in the last few months, but it's now a visible bump in my round belly. It's also way more tender to the touch than it used to be.Not good at all.
Gauge my level of functionality? I need a job. I could focus on getting anything as soon as possible, or seriously apply for a teaching job for next fall. So far I have had no response from any of the part-time jobs I have applied for. Not surprising given the givens but demoralizing. On the other hand, I love teaching. I think I have been good at it. But I have little confidence in my functionality, in my ability to sound reasonable at a job interview when explaining the last couple of years of my life, in controlling my fear of administrators. I don't trust me. I do trust the parts that would interact with kids. Those parts hang out with my niece and nephew and help them with homework. Those parts tutor this one adorable kid. But what kind of an adult is incapable of getting out of the house at a completely reasonable hour? Grrr!
In other news, I have a crush on the show Bones. I just started watching it recently (post rec from BFF) and it makes me squee. I would play in its fandom but it's not that organized, at least not on LJ. I like the theme of transcending above dysfunction. &hearts!! Also liking Parenthood. It took me a while to get over the movie comparisons (Joaquin/ Leaf Phoenix!) and I'm really hoping they give the 'Happy Family Musical Montage - Fade to black' combo a rest; but watching Lauren Graham fix a car is worth the price of admission. :P
Neither of those reasons sits well with me. Do I really want to preserve those particular neural paths? Really? So I will prattle.
I canceled a doctor's appointment I had today. Actually I slowed myself down so much that I decided to call to say I would be late and was told to reschedule. This indicates that I am more worried about this weird lump thingy in my tummy than I was aware. It is also the result of my reflex to demonstrate to myself and the world that I am less functional than I think I am. It seems to kick in when I am trying to gauge my level of functionality to make decisions about my future. This is a bad, bad reflex (no biscuit). This is where all (most?) of my anger and violence show up. I have had this pointed out to me over the last few years but I think I'm only getting it now. It makes me feel human somehow at the same time that it shames me.
Weird lump thingy in my tummy? In August I was scratching a mosquito bite when I noticed a hard lump near my navel just under the skin, near but not adjacent to my surgical scar. I showed it to a doctor who said not to worry unless it started growing or hurting. I don't know whether I just didn't notice its slow growth or whether it has expanded quickly in the last few months, but it's now a visible bump in my round belly. It's also way more tender to the touch than it used to be.Not good at all.
Gauge my level of functionality? I need a job. I could focus on getting anything as soon as possible, or seriously apply for a teaching job for next fall. So far I have had no response from any of the part-time jobs I have applied for. Not surprising given the givens but demoralizing. On the other hand, I love teaching. I think I have been good at it. But I have little confidence in my functionality, in my ability to sound reasonable at a job interview when explaining the last couple of years of my life, in controlling my fear of administrators. I don't trust me. I do trust the parts that would interact with kids. Those parts hang out with my niece and nephew and help them with homework. Those parts tutor this one adorable kid. But what kind of an adult is incapable of getting out of the house at a completely reasonable hour? Grrr!
In other news, I have a crush on the show Bones. I just started watching it recently (post rec from BFF) and it makes me squee. I would play in its fandom but it's not that organized, at least not on LJ. I like the theme of transcending above dysfunction. &hearts!! Also liking Parenthood. It took me a while to get over the movie comparisons (Joaquin/ Leaf Phoenix!) and I'm really hoping they give the 'Happy Family Musical Montage - Fade to black' combo a rest; but watching Lauren Graham fix a car is worth the price of admission. :P