"Abuse: The intentional and malicious causing of physical and/or emotional harm or pain to another when such treatment is not justified or warranted
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Your post is highly emotional, assumptive and accusational without all of the facts about the situation or what I was trying to learn here.
Two months ago you suggested that I shouldn't post things about Brian or my marriage in my LJ as it is destructive and counterintuitive to any rebuilding we might do. I heeded your advice. I even went back and retroactively made any disparaging posts about him non-public. I went to the marriage conference. I attempted to reconcile. I used all of the tools that I felt I had and tried to work with what we had left of our marriage. I cannot do anymore right now and so I've moved out and back in with my parents with the expectation of separating and trying to get myself to a place where I can be more clear about my decisions. My inquiry here was with sincere interest in learning and examining my own assumptions because I felt I needed to do some reality testing. I have no interest in addressing your quasi-personal post point by point, other than to say that I've made no decision about going back to Shifted Lands or the status of my marriage. The only decision I have made is that I'm too fucked up to keep spinning my wheels here and I'm sorry to hear that you feel that me moving out was a bad decision.
"Should not a person love so completely he or she continues suffering no matter the cost?"
The answer is no. It's especially a BIG no when there is a child involved and the lover is no longer the only one suffering. The lover's misery affects more than just the lover, it affects the child, too.
The point of the post was to use each of your definitions against your own actions and to point out each of you are wrong, nothing more.
Brian does not adhere to his own definition of abuse and neither do you since you also cause harm.
If you have not made up your mind about shifted lands then why allow it to become a point of contention in your marriage? Why put Brian through suffering about it?
On the other hand I completely discount that this was some how some sincere attempt by either of you to figure out the higher meta physics of the word "abuse".
Lets say that EVERYONE who read this post agreed with Brian's definition would that give you comfort? On the other hand if everyone agreed with you would that some how justify you?
As for it being just an emotionally charged post? I spent a day writing it and showed it to a couple people with 3 edits in the attempt to not come off emotional. I will say it is a very hard post direct to the issue at hand.
If you feel that it is of to hurt 1 person (abuse) a person to protect another then yhe second definition needs a revision.
Also a little confused..are you saying you need to protect your child from Brian or are you saying thatbecause of your suffering you have been unable to be a good mother?
"I'd really like to hear reactions about these two definitions, not so much about which one is right and which one is wrong (unless you have a firm opinion as such), but moreso how you feel about the perspective and understanding of abuse of the person who wrote each definition."
This is from the original post. Since you decided to expose something I was trying to keep discreet, I'll admit that Brian wrote the first definition and I wrote the second. I was and still am learning about this issue. This was an honest attempt to grow and do some thinking.
If I'm an abuser or a bad person for separating from my husband at this time, I accept responsibility, but would not do anything different. I've never accused Brian of abusing Donovan. I have, however, been suffering so much (whether by my own design or the circumstances of this marriage) that I indeed have not been the best mother I could and should have been for my son. I accept responsibility for that, too, and am now trying to account for it. Things are so terribly embroiled and riddled with conflict now, it was not a safe and happy environment for Donovan. The decision for me to take Donovan with me was mutual and I've made every attempt to communicate with Brian on matters related to OUR son.
I'm sorry if you and Brian think I am a bad person. I'm sorry if anyone else feels the same. I'm not even denying that I may be making mistakes here, I'm just trying to gain some clarity and get to a point where I feel safe. Because the truth is I do not feel safe in many different ways.
Two months ago you suggested that I shouldn't post things about Brian or my marriage in my LJ as it is destructive and counterintuitive to any rebuilding we might do. I heeded your advice. I even went back and retroactively made any disparaging posts about him non-public. I went to the marriage conference. I attempted to reconcile. I used all of the tools that I felt I had and tried to work with what we had left of our marriage. I cannot do anymore right now and so I've moved out and back in with my parents with the expectation of separating and trying to get myself to a place where I can be more clear about my decisions. My inquiry here was with sincere interest in learning and examining my own assumptions because I felt I needed to do some reality testing. I have no interest in addressing your quasi-personal post point by point, other than to say that I've made no decision about going back to Shifted Lands or the status of my marriage. The only decision I have made is that I'm too fucked up to keep spinning my wheels here and I'm sorry to hear that you feel that me moving out was a bad decision.
"Should not a person love so completely he or she continues suffering no matter the cost?"
The answer is no. It's especially a BIG no when there is a child involved and the lover is no longer the only one suffering. The lover's misery affects more than just the lover, it affects the child, too.
Reply
Brian does not adhere to his own definition of abuse and neither do you since you also cause harm.
If you have not made up your mind about shifted lands then why allow it to become a point of contention in your marriage? Why put Brian through suffering about it?
On the other hand I completely discount that this was some how some sincere attempt by either of you to figure out the higher meta physics of the word "abuse".
Lets say that EVERYONE who read this post agreed with Brian's definition would that give you comfort? On the other hand if everyone agreed with you would that some how justify you?
As for it being just an emotionally charged post? I spent a day writing it and showed it to a couple people with 3 edits in the attempt to not come off emotional. I will say it is a very hard post direct to the issue at hand.
Chris
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If you feel that it is of to hurt 1 person (abuse) a person to protect another then yhe second definition needs a revision.
Also a little confused..are you saying you need to protect your child from Brian or are you saying thatbecause of your suffering you have been unable to be a good mother?
Reply
This is from the original post. Since you decided to expose something I was trying to keep discreet, I'll admit that Brian wrote the first definition and I wrote the second. I was and still am learning about this issue. This was an honest attempt to grow and do some thinking.
If I'm an abuser or a bad person for separating from my husband at this time, I accept responsibility, but would not do anything different. I've never accused Brian of abusing Donovan. I have, however, been suffering so much (whether by my own design or the circumstances of this marriage) that I indeed have not been the best mother I could and should have been for my son. I accept responsibility for that, too, and am now trying to account for it. Things are so terribly embroiled and riddled with conflict now, it was not a safe and happy environment for Donovan. The decision for me to take Donovan with me was mutual and I've made every attempt to communicate with Brian on matters related to OUR son.
I'm sorry if you and Brian think I am a bad person. I'm sorry if anyone else feels the same. I'm not even denying that I may be making mistakes here, I'm just trying to gain some clarity and get to a point where I feel safe. Because the truth is I do not feel safe in many different ways.
Reply
That post was equally geared toward Brian.
As Takki pointed out his philosophy is incorrect. I just think yours is as well. You are both wrong.
Sorry to expose you, but when you read both definitions, anyone who knows the two of you can tell who wrote each and what is going on.
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