On the rag. Dont ask.
I pretty much hate everything right now. I hate life. I hate my boyfriend. I hate my friends. I hate myself. Hate is such an odd word too, thats lost its meaning. i just keep thinking if i have this wonderful life, with all these wonderful people and these opportunities going for me, then why do i feel like shit? i feel so lost and misguided. I hate the fact that i was plunged into this adulthood. I mean, its nice to break away from parental confines, but my mother should have been here to help me find my way. I shouldnt have been left like this to fend for myself. Now I have to learn the ways of life all by myself, which will ultimately make me a stronger person. But I'm sick of being this "strong person." I really am. Everything has to be about my patience and how long I can just let it lie and forget about the stupid things. But really, in my head, I can hear the screaming and the crying. I can hear myself screaming at the top of my lungs and every minute of the day it feels like tears are welling in my eyes. Such as now. I don't know what I want anymore. I just want to be left alone I suppose. I want everything to be okay. Not to be in debt anymore. To stop supporting a boyfriend that I know eventually will be an ex. To stop having to listen to a best friend who puts down everything I do. I wish something I did for myself was right. Its so difficult to be a positive person when everything around me feels so negative. Its exhausting to try to touch everything around me with a bit of optimism despite the crippling comments from all of my oh-so-negative friends. They never have the right things to say. My friends can help me forget a problem temporarily, but no one ever makes it any better. I try my best to convince myself that today is just a bad day and tomorrow will be better. Before I do that, I try to convince myself I can salvage a day, and it will be better later. But the same thing still happens every night when I go home to sleep; I go home wishing that I could just have a fresh start. Its never a fresh start. The problems from yesterday are still there. And only time can straighten it out for me. I must have patience as I work my way through everything. I'm so quickly running out of patience.
I keep wondering about my boyfriend. I wonder if its worth it. I know in my heart that I wont be with him forever. I know that I dont really love him either. I havent really loved anyone for a long time. I know that I've grown extremely attached to him, and I'd like to make myself believe that I love him, but I don't. I just want him to love me. I want someone to love me. But I'm sick of making such an effort to see him and spend time with him. Quarter tank of gas goes to picking him up, taking him home, bringing him back to his house and going back home. I can't even stay at his house to visit because I'm so terrified that something is gonna crawl on me and lay babies in my hair or something to that effect. He isnt comforting. He tries to be, but he can never say the right things. He feels like such a fake. Like he's trying to hard to prove something to everyone. Theres something about him though that keeps me here. I think its the affection. I crave his affection. Its getting kind of dull though. He just plays his video games or watches tv now. He barely ever lays with me. I dont really remember a good conversation between us, although i'm sure we've had a few. For 4 months, I just feel he should know more about me than I've led him to believe. It feels like every time I want to tell him something, he's got something better to say. It feels like that with everyone. I think it feels like that for everyone with me also, probably. I'd just kind of like to let everything go, tell someone all these things I've got pent up and really let my emotions flow, but its just so difficult. No one seems to want to listen. Everyone says that they're there to listen, but how many people do you feel you can tell anything to without their judgement, opinion, or a one-up? I dont think theres anyone out there for that. This? I'm talking to a computer screen with my finger tips. This is not human contact. This is impersonal. Thank you text on the screen for relaying the message that someone cares...or that no one cares at all. I just want a friend. All my friends these days seem to only be friends because of what they have to offer. I stopped hanging out much with the friends that are straight edge, rather than the friends who will smoke me out. I know this is a problem. I seem to value the state of being stoned rather than the value of a real friend. At this point and stage in my life, I reluctantly admit: Being in an altered state of mind is more desirable to me than to spend time and company with other people. Its sad but true. I would rather be in a euphoric stupor than to be around people that don't really know whats going on in my head.
I suppose that I could just open myself up and let everyone know these are the things that I think, but who really wants to hear a whiney bitch all the time just complaining and complaining and complaining? I sure as hell wouldnt. I'm just trying to keep my issues to myself. They arent anyone else's worry and I dont want to drag people in my problem. I don't want anyone's pity or understanding. I just want it to be better.
I really want someone to take care of me. Everyone always looks at me and thinks of me as such an independent person, and I suppose I am. But I'm more stubborn than anything else, and I wont accept help from anyone. I need someone who can understand and go beyond that and just make everything better for me. Thats what I want. Because I'm so sick of doing everything myself and trying to crawl out of my own messes into a new one. I just want a vacation from that. I know that if Dan could, he would. He'd make everything absolutely better for me. But the problem is that he cant, and wishing you could do something and actually doing it are two very different things. He cant do all the things that he'd like to do for me. He makes things worse. I really want to stop concentrating on all of the things people would like to do for me and focus on things that people actually are doing for me.
But that now makes me a bad person. I've always believed that its the intention behind everything. I do believe that good people are based on the things that they would do if given the opportunity. But I've never held in high regard that the road to perdition is paved with good intentions. Is my life hell now because I lived my life thinking that I could make everything better by trying to make everyone else's life better? I always focused on giving what I had to everyone else, but now I'm left with nothing. I've got nothing to show for the things I want. I know I'm more capable than what I've achieved. For the chances that have been given to me, I've gotten myself in a mess thinking about other people rather than myself, and I never stopped to ponder if anyone was taking advantage of me. Maybe no one intended to take advantage, but sometimes I feel like people have. I feel like some people I know have taken the best of me, and for a while I was okay because I felt that when I ended up in the same spot, they would help me. But they're in the same spot, and I've ended up with them. I've allowed them to drag me to a different level when I could have been up there with the high dogs living a swank life. I should be in it for me, and whos ever done me a favour, 50/50 even. Then that makes me a bad person, and i wouldnt be happy anyways.
It seems like whichever way I go, I lose. And it doesnt look like theres a foreground. Maybe. I'm trying to hold on to the end of this until I can get the playing field leveled, and then maybe I can try a different approach.
Right now, I just want to leave everything and everyone behind. I'm miserable. It all feels worth it in the middle, but when everything is said and done, is it really?
I really wish I could just be with Dan right now. When I'm apart from him, I think of all the perfect reasons why I should find someone better. But when I'm around him, it goes away and I dont feel like I've settled. Fuck. Yet another mess I've gotten myself into. I didnt want to ask him out, but then I did and got into a relationship (those things that scare me...) and now I'm stuck and I dont know how to get out. Am I even ready to let go and get out? Before it was okay. I was taking it one day at a time. But then it started to get more serious. Now he's talking about 6-8 months into our relationship and how attached we'll be, and I dont want to be his wife. I want to be a girlfriend. You have problem, I help you work it out, we have sex. End of story. Why is there all this other stuff in the middle? I don't even know what IS in the middle. All I know is right now I feel like the non-govt involved equivilent of a wife. He's right, who needs marriage when you've got a girl who already takes care of you?
I wonder if I'll ever get to be in that fun fling relationship that everyone knows isnt gonna go anywhere. It seems that most of my exes fall in love with me so quickly, and before I have a chance to get out, I get out, because I really just liked them and wanted to go out. I have an attraction to boys who would make a good family man. I just want a boy whos in it for the fun, not in it for the long haul. There have been so many boys who were there for me at "that part" of my life. They all think that they're so special, but to be honest, my life has a dire emergency at every turning point...there are so many of "those parts" of my life, that the people who i got through it with arent even important. I thank them for their help, but honestly, it could have been anyone. They just happened to have been there.
But on the other hand, isnt that what I'm complaining about? I've got friends, they're just not there for me when I need them. Well I had these boys there when I needed them...so why are they so disposable?
I think that I want those people who mean the most to me to be the ones who are there for me whenever I need it rather than someone who is interchangable like a boyfriend. Boyfriends come and go, but best friends should be there forever. It seems like best friends just come and go too. My best friend of 11 years is Brooke, but there are so many things that I just could never tell her. I dont want her to judge the people involved because it feels like a passing judgement on me and the company I choose to keep. The company I keep is important, so I dont want anyone to not like anyone because I just dont get along with so many people myself.
I absolutely hate the conundrum of life.
I keep wondering about my boyfriend. I wonder if its worth it. I know in my heart that I wont be with him forever. I know that I dont really love him either. I havent really loved anyone for a long time. I know that I've grown extremely attached to him, and I'd like to make myself believe that I love him, but I don't. I just want him to love me. I want someone to love me. But I'm sick of making such an effort to see him and spend time with him. Quarter tank of gas goes to picking him up, taking him home, bringing him back to his house and going back home. I can't even stay at his house to visit because I'm so terrified that something is gonna crawl on me and lay babies in my hair or something to that effect. He isnt comforting. He tries to be, but he can never say the right things. He feels like such a fake. Like he's trying to hard to prove something to everyone. Theres something about him though that keeps me here. I think its the affection. I crave his affection. Its getting kind of dull though. He just plays his video games or watches tv now. He barely ever lays with me. I dont really remember a good conversation between us, although i'm sure we've had a few. For 4 months, I just feel he should know more about me than I've led him to believe. It feels like every time I want to tell him something, he's got something better to say. It feels like that with everyone. I think it feels like that for everyone with me also, probably. I'd just kind of like to let everything go, tell someone all these things I've got pent up and really let my emotions flow, but its just so difficult. No one seems to want to listen. Everyone says that they're there to listen, but how many people do you feel you can tell anything to without their judgement, opinion, or a one-up? I dont think theres anyone out there for that. This? I'm talking to a computer screen with my finger tips. This is not human contact. This is impersonal. Thank you text on the screen for relaying the message that someone cares...or that no one cares at all. I just want a friend. All my friends these days seem to only be friends because of what they have to offer. I stopped hanging out much with the friends that are straight edge, rather than the friends who will smoke me out. I know this is a problem. I seem to value the state of being stoned rather than the value of a real friend. At this point and stage in my life, I reluctantly admit: Being in an altered state of mind is more desirable to me than to spend time and company with other people. Its sad but true. I would rather be in a euphoric stupor than to be around people that don't really know whats going on in my head.
I suppose that I could just open myself up and let everyone know these are the things that I think, but who really wants to hear a whiney bitch all the time just complaining and complaining and complaining? I sure as hell wouldnt. I'm just trying to keep my issues to myself. They arent anyone else's worry and I dont want to drag people in my problem. I don't want anyone's pity or understanding. I just want it to be better.
I really want someone to take care of me. Everyone always looks at me and thinks of me as such an independent person, and I suppose I am. But I'm more stubborn than anything else, and I wont accept help from anyone. I need someone who can understand and go beyond that and just make everything better for me. Thats what I want. Because I'm so sick of doing everything myself and trying to crawl out of my own messes into a new one. I just want a vacation from that. I know that if Dan could, he would. He'd make everything absolutely better for me. But the problem is that he cant, and wishing you could do something and actually doing it are two very different things. He cant do all the things that he'd like to do for me. He makes things worse. I really want to stop concentrating on all of the things people would like to do for me and focus on things that people actually are doing for me.
But that now makes me a bad person. I've always believed that its the intention behind everything. I do believe that good people are based on the things that they would do if given the opportunity. But I've never held in high regard that the road to perdition is paved with good intentions. Is my life hell now because I lived my life thinking that I could make everything better by trying to make everyone else's life better? I always focused on giving what I had to everyone else, but now I'm left with nothing. I've got nothing to show for the things I want. I know I'm more capable than what I've achieved. For the chances that have been given to me, I've gotten myself in a mess thinking about other people rather than myself, and I never stopped to ponder if anyone was taking advantage of me. Maybe no one intended to take advantage, but sometimes I feel like people have. I feel like some people I know have taken the best of me, and for a while I was okay because I felt that when I ended up in the same spot, they would help me. But they're in the same spot, and I've ended up with them. I've allowed them to drag me to a different level when I could have been up there with the high dogs living a swank life. I should be in it for me, and whos ever done me a favour, 50/50 even. Then that makes me a bad person, and i wouldnt be happy anyways.
It seems like whichever way I go, I lose. And it doesnt look like theres a foreground. Maybe. I'm trying to hold on to the end of this until I can get the playing field leveled, and then maybe I can try a different approach.
Right now, I just want to leave everything and everyone behind. I'm miserable. It all feels worth it in the middle, but when everything is said and done, is it really?
I really wish I could just be with Dan right now. When I'm apart from him, I think of all the perfect reasons why I should find someone better. But when I'm around him, it goes away and I dont feel like I've settled. Fuck. Yet another mess I've gotten myself into. I didnt want to ask him out, but then I did and got into a relationship (those things that scare me...) and now I'm stuck and I dont know how to get out. Am I even ready to let go and get out? Before it was okay. I was taking it one day at a time. But then it started to get more serious. Now he's talking about 6-8 months into our relationship and how attached we'll be, and I dont want to be his wife. I want to be a girlfriend. You have problem, I help you work it out, we have sex. End of story. Why is there all this other stuff in the middle? I don't even know what IS in the middle. All I know is right now I feel like the non-govt involved equivilent of a wife. He's right, who needs marriage when you've got a girl who already takes care of you?
I wonder if I'll ever get to be in that fun fling relationship that everyone knows isnt gonna go anywhere. It seems that most of my exes fall in love with me so quickly, and before I have a chance to get out, I get out, because I really just liked them and wanted to go out. I have an attraction to boys who would make a good family man. I just want a boy whos in it for the fun, not in it for the long haul. There have been so many boys who were there for me at "that part" of my life. They all think that they're so special, but to be honest, my life has a dire emergency at every turning point...there are so many of "those parts" of my life, that the people who i got through it with arent even important. I thank them for their help, but honestly, it could have been anyone. They just happened to have been there.
But on the other hand, isnt that what I'm complaining about? I've got friends, they're just not there for me when I need them. Well I had these boys there when I needed them...so why are they so disposable?
I think that I want those people who mean the most to me to be the ones who are there for me whenever I need it rather than someone who is interchangable like a boyfriend. Boyfriends come and go, but best friends should be there forever. It seems like best friends just come and go too. My best friend of 11 years is Brooke, but there are so many things that I just could never tell her. I dont want her to judge the people involved because it feels like a passing judgement on me and the company I choose to keep. The company I keep is important, so I dont want anyone to not like anyone because I just dont get along with so many people myself.
I absolutely hate the conundrum of life.