BIpolar

[quicklyfading]

i dont know if you are someone who is really inlove with me and doesnt want to be or if you are someone who doesnt give a shit about anyone but yourself that spent two years intricately lying to me. maybe you were both, or maybe you were neither. you had to have liked me a little bit though, to waste such a significant amount of time fooling me. it doesnt seem fair that you would leave me here so abandoned and so alone with no one to pick up the peices of the mess you left. what part of your incredible love for me was that? what part of you wanted it this way? and as the tears roll down this face that you named the object of your affection; the words most important for you to utter are ones so emotionless and meaningless that i wonder how i didnt see this all before. and everytime you run away to places where people surround you trying to make you better...i sit alone in my room and prey that youre ok by myself; with no one to even ask if i'm ok...nevermind caring to make me feel better. You have made a fool of me which hurts almost as much as the realization that i would be a fool for you forever if you asked me too, even still. and i wonder when i will figure out that this was all a joke, and i wonder if i am ruined forever...i have put you before me for so long that i dont remember how it feels to care about myself. and although my head is saying forget this all, and move on, my heart will not allow it. my insides are torn so severely that its hard for me to move, its hard for me to speak, to breathe. i let myself live in a world that you created, and now i believe that you created it just to watch it come crashing down around you. and as the kings horses and all the kings men come crashing to their end, will you remember that i too am falling? will you care? or will you laugh and point at me as i beg you to help? i still dont blame you. are you surprised? you should be. but still, i dont blame you. i know that i am smarter and better than all of this, but there is this shred of life inside me that keeps telling me not to let go. dont let go of what? of being brutally hurt every 4 months? of getting mind fucked by the most unrelenting and unreliable beauty i have ever known? dont let go of something that has let me go without warning 4 times now? dont let go of something who doesnt even hold itself upright? no...i dont want to let go of the person that took this empty corpse and made it live. i dont want to let go of the only thing i know that made me truly happy, even if it was only for two months...that happiness is more valuable to me than time. bc i remember it when i think of you. i dont think of the drunken "adventures", i dont think of all the times you hurt me, i dont think of your unhappiness. i think of your smile when you looked at me with that light in your eyes, i think of you holding me and telling me this is it, i think of us laughing at 8 in the morning for no reason other than that we were happy to wake up together, i think of the idea that you manifested....which was obviously done in vein. you see, my love, i have this problem. i know you are poison, but i refuse to believe it. you see sweet angel, i know that you dont care for me....but i choose to think that somewhere in sometime you do. at this point all i want from you is honesty. all i want from you is an explanation...because if you cared for me at all you would know i deserve it. if you love me still after all of this...if you think that somehow we can make it work, i am yours to break again. if not...then know that you will never find a girl that loves you more than me. and you will never find a person that will love you as unconditionally as i do.

sarita-you are an angel. not because you made me feel better, which you did. but bc you give a damn about me. even though i haven't been there for you when you needed me. thats what a real friend is, what true caring is. dont think i havent noted this...dually noted this. you are such a good person for dropping your shit to rescue me. i love you more than you know. i'm sorry i cant be happier for you. i'm sorry i'm a waste of energy. thank you for coming over yesterday. i am not quite sure what would have happenned to me otherwise. i adore you.