i will not sit here and watch you crush me like you did the rest

[quicklyfading]

i dont know if i have found happiness or comfort. i dont know if i can believe the words that fly out of your mouth like bats with conviction. i hate being away from you, but i hate that i cant get away from you. i miss my friends, i miss my life, i miss being in constant motion and never sitting still. what is it that keeps me from all that? what is it exactly that i gain when i give up my independence? i think i love you, but i dont want to love you. i dont want to fall inlove with someone who is counting down the days until boredom strikes and my heart breaks. i dont want to see the face you'll make at what i have to say when that happens. its weird thinking about how different this has made everything for me...its weird that you have to know its so hard for me, and i know that in and of itself raises questions about what type of outcome we will ultimately meet. i dont believe anything you say, but i believe it with my whole heart. i am so confused, i just want to be happy. i dont know where i stand....actually i dont know where to stand. i dont even know where i want to stand.

i'm just gonna sit.

i hate you so much.
god i fucking love you.