i think my whole life, i've been trying to capture that moment

[questioningit]

i heard the phrase "confronting demons" recently. it's an interesting phrase. i often find myself thinking about others' situations and stories. they're inspiring. i don't often look at my own. it's plain...to me. i think it's also difficult for me to confront my "demons" because it's much more personal than others' demons are to me in some ways. i can watch someone go through something and identify with it or be inspired by it-as an objective observor. i have trouble watching myself in a situation as an objective observor, inspired. and it's difficult to put it out there, my journey, in so many words. i censor myself. thinking something and putting something into words are entirely different experiences. and knowing that someone else is going to read it or see it present other challenges i concern myself with. especially before i've familiarized myself with those descriptive words and have become comfortable, having lost the 'groping in the dark' sensation. i still find myself watching other 'characters' -characteristics- with envy. wanting to adapt and mold them to my life and propel it in such a direction, just as i did in early adolescence. i think it's part of this process of craving change. yearning. i used to believe yearning was a sign of youth. now i believe it's a sign of masochism. always wanting more is...exhausting. and destructive. because in order to find more, eventually things are going to become obsolete. sometimes that's good. other times, that's how people get hurt. other people are always less willing to let me change; and whether that's a burden they place on me or i give them to carry, i don't know. this is no way affects what i want-growth, change-bring them on, mentally, i'm on my knees. but looking at the mechanics of change and those nooks and crannies of creatures of habit, it's not as easy as that. my interest in fiction writing, from this light, looks like a cop-out. i want to write fiction because i write myself in, i write what i yearn for--for one thing, that doesn't make good fiction. it's less scary to write myself into something fiction than to write something real for myself to live. but it's not nearly as satisfying. i know that.

"he said 'do you write for you or other people.' i said 'other people' i said 'i want them to see the beauty that i can bring. i just cannot seem to touch. which is only a metaphor for all of us.' and i said 'i think i'm trying to capture a moment i think my whole life i've been trying to capture that moment.' he said 'the one thing you can be sure of is that you never will'"