Problems....
Well, I first of all have to say that I got to talk to Swapnil for two minutes last night and it was sooooooo completely nice. I needed to talk to him so bad. Then he called me back this morning but I wa with Ausencio so obviously i couldn't talk long with him and told him i would buy a new phone card and try to call him back.
Anways, about my problems...well see...my insecurity has been playing bigtime backstabbing games on me. I know i should let it go but for some awful reason i can't. anyways, long story short...i have contemplated reverting back to my self-mutilating ways. I told Ausencio about it and well..he didn't exactly get mad..but he didn't understand. he doesn't understand that it isn't him it's me...i have bad chemicals in my brain that make me psycho and sick and he said, "Kelliana, I don't think our relationship is going to work." He said, if i'm this sick, he feels responsible and that he doesn't want to come home one day to find me dead on the bed. He said he sees i look really sad all the time and i keep explaining to him that it's because i'm so scared that i'm not good enoug. i don't want to tell anyone about my feelings but i feel like i have dehumanized myself. I feel like i'm not worht a penny or anything less even...that i shouldn't be here that i don't have a right to breathe the air here that i am too selfish and i should be destroyed. i know these are scary thoughts adn to whoever reads them, please don't freak out. i am going to find some help....after all these years..it's time i guess. i've come to teh point that i need to do this...i need to recuperate I need to heal. I know it's hard to love someone and deal with them and live with them when they are as fucked up as i am in teh head. so i worry. without ausencio's support...i'd be a goner. i know i have my friends adn my family but they'll all jsut think i'ts his fault too. and the truth is, it's not his fault. it's because i don't love myself anymore. i barely learned to in india and it lasted through new york adn now bam....i'm back in the hole again. this has been going on pretty much the day i got back here. i don't blame anything but myself--rather the chemicals in my head. i think i am really sick. i've never really felt so desperate before. i need ausencio...he has my heart and if he pushed me away, it would be too hard to go on empty like that. i would, i know i would kill myself...never think that i would do that..i couldn't.
so i don't know the point of this journal...i in way hope leah doesn't read it because i don't want her to know this..it's something i'm so ashamed of...being a nut case and all. well enough sadness for one day.
ciao
Anways, about my problems...well see...my insecurity has been playing bigtime backstabbing games on me. I know i should let it go but for some awful reason i can't. anyways, long story short...i have contemplated reverting back to my self-mutilating ways. I told Ausencio about it and well..he didn't exactly get mad..but he didn't understand. he doesn't understand that it isn't him it's me...i have bad chemicals in my brain that make me psycho and sick and he said, "Kelliana, I don't think our relationship is going to work." He said, if i'm this sick, he feels responsible and that he doesn't want to come home one day to find me dead on the bed. He said he sees i look really sad all the time and i keep explaining to him that it's because i'm so scared that i'm not good enoug. i don't want to tell anyone about my feelings but i feel like i have dehumanized myself. I feel like i'm not worht a penny or anything less even...that i shouldn't be here that i don't have a right to breathe the air here that i am too selfish and i should be destroyed. i know these are scary thoughts adn to whoever reads them, please don't freak out. i am going to find some help....after all these years..it's time i guess. i've come to teh point that i need to do this...i need to recuperate I need to heal. I know it's hard to love someone and deal with them and live with them when they are as fucked up as i am in teh head. so i worry. without ausencio's support...i'd be a goner. i know i have my friends adn my family but they'll all jsut think i'ts his fault too. and the truth is, it's not his fault. it's because i don't love myself anymore. i barely learned to in india and it lasted through new york adn now bam....i'm back in the hole again. this has been going on pretty much the day i got back here. i don't blame anything but myself--rather the chemicals in my head. i think i am really sick. i've never really felt so desperate before. i need ausencio...he has my heart and if he pushed me away, it would be too hard to go on empty like that. i would, i know i would kill myself...never think that i would do that..i couldn't.
so i don't know the point of this journal...i in way hope leah doesn't read it because i don't want her to know this..it's something i'm so ashamed of...being a nut case and all. well enough sadness for one day.
ciao