old essays... stupid memories of someone too (not included)
February 21, 2003
The mess
I think I am going to revert to even more simplistic living. Revert as far as I can, while keeping reality in tact. This simplification might somehow solve the trouble I am having with my mind. Everything in this world has gotten so sad. The sadder thing is that I can smile day in and day out. The world is an unbelievable place if you look at it in the right light.
I make it through my days by wavering off how bad I am doing to make others think that if someone can be so happy and smile through every breathe then maybe there is a hope for them. I do not by any mean feel like a martyr; the truth is that I love to be happy. I don't know if I am selling myself out for the public because I know many a times when I come home or write songs I feel this certain disdain. I have all this anger towards the way people focus on petty things. I do not want them to think like me, I just want them to ask themselves if they think it is right to taint their [lets say] virtue.
For me it is a big self confidence when girls at my lunch table/in general complain about such trivial things. I really just sit back and think to myself, "I am so glad I do not think these matters are so imperative and also glad that I’m kind to them, but do not call them and pretend like we are best buddies.” There is nothing wrong with these girls, and it sounds critical of me. However, it is not my fault that I want meaningful things in my life, And I say that knowing I am really weird and talk about some things that are meaningless to others.
One day I offered to tutor a childhood friend of mine, we were listening to a mix of my favorite folk songs. She mentions, "Wow! He’s a terrible singer," and she was talking about an artist that to me is so deep that it should not even matter! This doesn't really bother me. I know that she didn’t mean to offend me. I kind of forget why I mentioned it, maybe it did bother me, and I just am agitated. Yes that is it, I am frantic.
FORGET ALL OF THAT. I am going to think for a minute on what I am trying to get across. OK: I do not put trust into which I feel are not genuine people. However, I allow them to think I do [in minor cases might] in order for adolescent survival and so far I have prospered. This might be what is bothering me because as school goes on I have become a loner, but how can it be if I have so many good friends. The strangest part of it is [and I hope I am not assuming] that the more I try to dissociate with the people that I don't want to bring drama in my life the more they think that I have some cool hidden agenda. I do not know how this comes off. Some examples involve my soda can tab bracelets and my homemade shirts that people complimented me on.
OK THEN. Yes I will admit that I go to the mall and shop, but I am stimulated with feelings for clothes like any girl. I am making too much of why I'd rather be a loner than give in to false identities. I actually tell myself that I do give in, and that’s what’s bugging me: I DO. I know it, but I really do think its survival. This is the endless cycle I think about sometimes. I'm two conflicted persons here. I really am not good at explaining my mind because for me there is way too much to elaborate on, and once I try a clarification, it just emerges all at once into a mess that I can't make ascertainable to others. Now that I think of it, this all was a jumble. If someone reads it then it won’t be what I was trying to convey no matter how much they tell me they understand. They don't. No one really does. I hardly do. This is, I think, the downfall of Kristine of some previous moment.
September 14, 2004
The Fun of Vanishing off the face of this Earth
The idea of your body completely imploding is one idea derived from your worst fears. Excluding you ever even dying, would you ever want to completely vanish? What would you say if you could start a whole new life? A life where there are no attachments. There would be nothing to make you think twice about your actions. You could, as boundless as the wind, be in tune with nature. On the other hand, you could just fake your own death and spend all of you life savings on that pet rock collection or something. Maybe, if you were trying to avoid or escape something, you would go back and make better life choices. It happens to be one of the great questions, in attempting to change fate.
With all these options, why is it that not many people wonder, “Hey, this is my life and it is time to live it the way I want!” In my opinion, people often do think this. Most of the time, I speak of corrupt Americans because I feel our society constricts people into the status quo and they are too afraid to venture off. There are too many critics, too much media, and false conceptions on what life should be about. The generation of my time is known as the,”Me Generation” because for the most part we are about ourselves and material possession. I admire other countries because maybe they understand the meaning of life just an iota more than us, and are off backpacking across Europe with 1 penny to their name. They are feeling the ways of real human thought. I know that not everyone is into the whole introspection or even nature, but I think more people would be interested if society was different. For instance, I see oceans of people complaining about little things and even some big things, but would those things because worry if they were not deemed that important in the first place? A lot of this worry wastes the time one could be living and learning about more.
The one thing we can not ever change is time. Once we past certain ages, it gets that much more difficult to go back. Realistically, one does not really think of escape or of “vanishing,” but I always envision a life of perfect equilibrium. I can be the extreme dreamer type, you know, always looking out for the idyllic. I also embody some one who is quite conscious, and for this is why I try not to waste my time. I hope that the actions I make will make me the person I want to be, and nothing is keeping me back from that satisfaction.
October 27, 2004
The Importance of Heartbreak
If one could go through life in a completely idyllic manner, with everything so perfect, would they realize the flaw in that? No matter how bad you hurt when someone breaks your heart, you realize that it was for the best and eventually are better for that. When life throws a stick under your bike and you get all scraped up, the best thing to do is not to sit there bleeding to death. Politically, this eerily reminds me of George Orwell's 1984 where the overall standard of perfect is put on everyone so that their senses are dulled and their feelings are nullified. Instincts have been forgotten in our day. Feelings are the most important part of being human.
How could there be songs about longing and desperation if no one felt anything other than happy. Music is the one thing that controls a lot of my feelings. I hear it and become apart of the musicians mood. Each instrument and each lyric has its glory when I hear good music. Most people write their music to describe feelings and the best part of that is that you can share it with others. When you are heartbroken and sing your story to on lookers, it is an empowerment for yourself.
Living in perfection through the means of behavior is also shameful. In our society, people usually do not do things, even if they are compelled instinctly to, because other people will criticize them. Our society today is so constraining, and it is as if we are free to do anything that has been done and approved. Personally, I do not want to be dictated by my peers or my elders. Individualism is one of those things that should be cherished above judgment. It is cliché enough to press upon how people like to keep others down because of fear, but sometimes I think there is a better excuse. Some true goodness in people has been replaced by morals they have been taught and some do/do not do things just to seem kind.
I do not write as if I am some prophetic spokesperson or some freedom ringer, but I want to not be the only one who feels like things have gone wrong socially. I go through life just observing all the different scenarios that emerge and it has given me time to reflect on who I want to be. Not that I believe in the bliss of ignorance, but there is some balance between reality and wanting a more pure life to exist around you.
The mess
I think I am going to revert to even more simplistic living. Revert as far as I can, while keeping reality in tact. This simplification might somehow solve the trouble I am having with my mind. Everything in this world has gotten so sad. The sadder thing is that I can smile day in and day out. The world is an unbelievable place if you look at it in the right light.
I make it through my days by wavering off how bad I am doing to make others think that if someone can be so happy and smile through every breathe then maybe there is a hope for them. I do not by any mean feel like a martyr; the truth is that I love to be happy. I don't know if I am selling myself out for the public because I know many a times when I come home or write songs I feel this certain disdain. I have all this anger towards the way people focus on petty things. I do not want them to think like me, I just want them to ask themselves if they think it is right to taint their [lets say] virtue.
For me it is a big self confidence when girls at my lunch table/in general complain about such trivial things. I really just sit back and think to myself, "I am so glad I do not think these matters are so imperative and also glad that I’m kind to them, but do not call them and pretend like we are best buddies.” There is nothing wrong with these girls, and it sounds critical of me. However, it is not my fault that I want meaningful things in my life, And I say that knowing I am really weird and talk about some things that are meaningless to others.
One day I offered to tutor a childhood friend of mine, we were listening to a mix of my favorite folk songs. She mentions, "Wow! He’s a terrible singer," and she was talking about an artist that to me is so deep that it should not even matter! This doesn't really bother me. I know that she didn’t mean to offend me. I kind of forget why I mentioned it, maybe it did bother me, and I just am agitated. Yes that is it, I am frantic.
FORGET ALL OF THAT. I am going to think for a minute on what I am trying to get across. OK: I do not put trust into which I feel are not genuine people. However, I allow them to think I do [in minor cases might] in order for adolescent survival and so far I have prospered. This might be what is bothering me because as school goes on I have become a loner, but how can it be if I have so many good friends. The strangest part of it is [and I hope I am not assuming] that the more I try to dissociate with the people that I don't want to bring drama in my life the more they think that I have some cool hidden agenda. I do not know how this comes off. Some examples involve my soda can tab bracelets and my homemade shirts that people complimented me on.
OK THEN. Yes I will admit that I go to the mall and shop, but I am stimulated with feelings for clothes like any girl. I am making too much of why I'd rather be a loner than give in to false identities. I actually tell myself that I do give in, and that’s what’s bugging me: I DO. I know it, but I really do think its survival. This is the endless cycle I think about sometimes. I'm two conflicted persons here. I really am not good at explaining my mind because for me there is way too much to elaborate on, and once I try a clarification, it just emerges all at once into a mess that I can't make ascertainable to others. Now that I think of it, this all was a jumble. If someone reads it then it won’t be what I was trying to convey no matter how much they tell me they understand. They don't. No one really does. I hardly do. This is, I think, the downfall of Kristine of some previous moment.
September 14, 2004
The Fun of Vanishing off the face of this Earth
The idea of your body completely imploding is one idea derived from your worst fears. Excluding you ever even dying, would you ever want to completely vanish? What would you say if you could start a whole new life? A life where there are no attachments. There would be nothing to make you think twice about your actions. You could, as boundless as the wind, be in tune with nature. On the other hand, you could just fake your own death and spend all of you life savings on that pet rock collection or something. Maybe, if you were trying to avoid or escape something, you would go back and make better life choices. It happens to be one of the great questions, in attempting to change fate.
With all these options, why is it that not many people wonder, “Hey, this is my life and it is time to live it the way I want!” In my opinion, people often do think this. Most of the time, I speak of corrupt Americans because I feel our society constricts people into the status quo and they are too afraid to venture off. There are too many critics, too much media, and false conceptions on what life should be about. The generation of my time is known as the,”Me Generation” because for the most part we are about ourselves and material possession. I admire other countries because maybe they understand the meaning of life just an iota more than us, and are off backpacking across Europe with 1 penny to their name. They are feeling the ways of real human thought. I know that not everyone is into the whole introspection or even nature, but I think more people would be interested if society was different. For instance, I see oceans of people complaining about little things and even some big things, but would those things because worry if they were not deemed that important in the first place? A lot of this worry wastes the time one could be living and learning about more.
The one thing we can not ever change is time. Once we past certain ages, it gets that much more difficult to go back. Realistically, one does not really think of escape or of “vanishing,” but I always envision a life of perfect equilibrium. I can be the extreme dreamer type, you know, always looking out for the idyllic. I also embody some one who is quite conscious, and for this is why I try not to waste my time. I hope that the actions I make will make me the person I want to be, and nothing is keeping me back from that satisfaction.
October 27, 2004
The Importance of Heartbreak
If one could go through life in a completely idyllic manner, with everything so perfect, would they realize the flaw in that? No matter how bad you hurt when someone breaks your heart, you realize that it was for the best and eventually are better for that. When life throws a stick under your bike and you get all scraped up, the best thing to do is not to sit there bleeding to death. Politically, this eerily reminds me of George Orwell's 1984 where the overall standard of perfect is put on everyone so that their senses are dulled and their feelings are nullified. Instincts have been forgotten in our day. Feelings are the most important part of being human.
How could there be songs about longing and desperation if no one felt anything other than happy. Music is the one thing that controls a lot of my feelings. I hear it and become apart of the musicians mood. Each instrument and each lyric has its glory when I hear good music. Most people write their music to describe feelings and the best part of that is that you can share it with others. When you are heartbroken and sing your story to on lookers, it is an empowerment for yourself.
Living in perfection through the means of behavior is also shameful. In our society, people usually do not do things, even if they are compelled instinctly to, because other people will criticize them. Our society today is so constraining, and it is as if we are free to do anything that has been done and approved. Personally, I do not want to be dictated by my peers or my elders. Individualism is one of those things that should be cherished above judgment. It is cliché enough to press upon how people like to keep others down because of fear, but sometimes I think there is a better excuse. Some true goodness in people has been replaced by morals they have been taught and some do/do not do things just to seem kind.
I do not write as if I am some prophetic spokesperson or some freedom ringer, but I want to not be the only one who feels like things have gone wrong socially. I go through life just observing all the different scenarios that emerge and it has given me time to reflect on who I want to be. Not that I believe in the bliss of ignorance, but there is some balance between reality and wanting a more pure life to exist around you.