Update
So I've decided to actual use this journal for the purpose it was
intended, journaling.
I'd like to let everyone know a few things that have been going on with
me. Systematically I am attempting to break myself of the bad habits.
For the most part the biting of the nails has gone down, the past week
has been a little bad because for some odd reason I have alot of
tension or anxiety. Perhaps it has to do with the fact that I gave up
sex of any form, including masturbation, 3 weeks ago. Don't try to get
me to change my mind. I only have like 2-3 more weeks of what I'd
planned on and I'm thinking that it might be extended a few more
months. Drinking became a very big issue to the point that I would
drink most nights a week and really just drink to forget and get drunk,
so I am not drinking anymore. Though it was nice to be out with friends
and drink at the bars I don't want that anymore. The bars have also
stopped, it's been 3 weeks since a bar, a drink, an orgasm. Slowly I'm
losing my vices, except for procrastination, that's too complicated to
lose right away. As far as I can tell the only thing that getting rid
of these vices has cause is irritability. Most everything and everyone,
no matter who or what they are gets on my nerves. Not to say I don't
have fun or that I'm mad at my friends but things that take too long or
things people do, being flighty for example just drives me nuts.
I've realized as I've gone along that though I am attracted to the
sexuality men exude there is really nothing about them physically that
is attractive. People say that it is those imperfections that make a
person but I'm really trying to see beyond that, because it isn't the
most important. Certain chemicals and pheromones are the things that
make a person so attractive. Without such chemicals I don't think I'd
be with men or even want to be. Those chemicals are saving men for me,
I believe. I can always look beyond that, a person could get diarrhea
in the bed and I'd still be there for them. I'm not big on that stuff
I'm not freaked out easily. I'm really beginning to see beyond the
physical appearance, though that is important, it is not the most
important. I think that I've talked about this before but I feel like
it needs to be reiterated. The physical is fleeting.
This also relates to my own idea of physical beauty. I've stopped alot
of my usual shaving and I don't spend time on my hair, I wash it and
walk even though it frizzes out. I don't try and dress up, except for
special events. Big reason? I want to see who I really am outside of
the gay world. When I came out I fell into the gay scene and never
really took time to figure me out. It's taking time but I'm getting
there.
Alright, as for school I am highly considering dropping 1 of my
classes. It's supposed to be a graduate level and it has far too much
work and is really too lax to work for me. My teacher is very
unprepared and I don't feel like it's a class for me. My mother thinks
I should just turn it into a drop/add class but I don't care enough
about it. If I do drop it then I'll have to take 18 credits next
sememster to graduate by April but if I don't I doubt I'll get any of
it done.
Still wanna have my party next week on halloween. I think I can get it
together, if I drop or get the work done. I hope people will come, it's
gonna be burlesque theme and it is short notice, plus it is at my place
and I won't have alcohol available people will have to bring their own.
Let me know if you would come cause I'll plan on it. I'll announce it
at outspoken as well, speaking of which, I need a costume. Slutty care
bear away. Well gonna actually get work done. Reading Emerson is fun!
-Cali