friends crisis...
ok, so this isn't an emergency or anything. i'm being melodramatic, but this is weighing on my mind pretty heavily. so Kenichi and i are dead-set on us living in the same city and most likely being roommates. this may sound like i'm in love with him, but it's not. i did have a crush on him once upon a time, but right now we're really close friends. i was really hoping that Kenichi would move to the Bay Area, but for his career it's looking more like LA or NYC. he likes NYC better. and even though i have this anti-NYC kick going on which i think i laid out in my LJ entry about my semi-recent trip there, i think my wanting to live near him outweighs my anti-NYC-ness.
so basically Sacramento is a holding tank for me, but nobody here knows that. i've been trying just to go to group stuff like the Frontrunners and this potluck i go to on Tuesday nights which a lot of Frontrunners go to. that's what i went to tonight, and can i just rant for a minute? maybe i'm just a shady or bitch or socially awkward or something, but i don't understand why the gay men i've come into contact with will hug and even kiss me on the cheek and bitches don't even know my name! part of it also is that for my job we learn boundary trianing. some of our clients like to give people hugs, and it's like "uhh how about a handshake?" and also i just try not to touch them at all, b/c you know that stereotype of gay men being pedophiles. but yeah, i feel like i really only enjoy hugging people if i've know them for a while and have built up a close relationship with them. i mean, these people give out hugs, like they're a doorknob. you know, everyone gets a turn...
so yeah, i like this group stuff b/c it's harder than one-on-one stuff for people to get close to me. it goes back to when i would be in Atlanta during the summers while i was at Oberlin. i would meet people and become close to them, but then at the end of the summer i would have to leave. and i kept doing this multiple times. and they, for the most part, were just there. and i feel like they kinda resented that i kept leaving. i know pain is a part of life, but logically speaking, what's the point of getting close to people if i know i'm going to be moving away maybe as early as June, and if not, like August/Sept/Oct? but the thing is there are some people, like from this potluck, who have indicated that they want to hang out with me and just me. and i'm not sure what to say to them. i feel like, at this point i should just start being upfront with people that i'm not gonna be around for a long time so i don't want to hurt them by them getting close to me. i'll have to accept whatever consequences come with that. i mean i may get shunned from stuff, like this potluck, which is pretty exclusive, invite-only kinda thing. and also, i'm not sure how my roommates would take it if they knew i was leaving. i mean, i don't think Todd would do something drastic like kick me out, but it might make things awkward.
i don't want to become some anti-social bookworm or something. i want to go out and hang with people, but i just think it's better to keep it at acquaintance or not-close-friend level rather than deep friendship. what i'd like to do is just go to San Francisco every weekend and hang out with Jessica whom i've already built a close relationship with and she would be ok with me leaving b/c we've already been apart for a while ever since she graduated Oberlin in '04 (and even before that b/c i was closer to Kenichi and other folk at Oberlin). also not growing close to people gives me time to focus on things in my life, such as my career and my health. my job is going well. when i started i wanted a place where i could hang out with my co-workers outside of work, but since that weekend when my co-workers flaked on me, i'm just like, eh, whatev, i'll talk to them and have fun while at work, but i'm not going to take initiative to do anything outside of work again. also, i joined a gym this weekend, and i've been 3 days in a row so far. i'm soo becoming treadmill gay, but i figure i got the time and i'm still young so why not go for the gold.
also, my self-imposed celibacy period expires at midnight tonight. reading the above, i think it's pretty obvious that a romantic relationship is totally out of the question, but i could sure use some nookie right about now...
so basically Sacramento is a holding tank for me, but nobody here knows that. i've been trying just to go to group stuff like the Frontrunners and this potluck i go to on Tuesday nights which a lot of Frontrunners go to. that's what i went to tonight, and can i just rant for a minute? maybe i'm just a shady or bitch or socially awkward or something, but i don't understand why the gay men i've come into contact with will hug and even kiss me on the cheek and bitches don't even know my name! part of it also is that for my job we learn boundary trianing. some of our clients like to give people hugs, and it's like "uhh how about a handshake?" and also i just try not to touch them at all, b/c you know that stereotype of gay men being pedophiles. but yeah, i feel like i really only enjoy hugging people if i've know them for a while and have built up a close relationship with them. i mean, these people give out hugs, like they're a doorknob. you know, everyone gets a turn...
so yeah, i like this group stuff b/c it's harder than one-on-one stuff for people to get close to me. it goes back to when i would be in Atlanta during the summers while i was at Oberlin. i would meet people and become close to them, but then at the end of the summer i would have to leave. and i kept doing this multiple times. and they, for the most part, were just there. and i feel like they kinda resented that i kept leaving. i know pain is a part of life, but logically speaking, what's the point of getting close to people if i know i'm going to be moving away maybe as early as June, and if not, like August/Sept/Oct? but the thing is there are some people, like from this potluck, who have indicated that they want to hang out with me and just me. and i'm not sure what to say to them. i feel like, at this point i should just start being upfront with people that i'm not gonna be around for a long time so i don't want to hurt them by them getting close to me. i'll have to accept whatever consequences come with that. i mean i may get shunned from stuff, like this potluck, which is pretty exclusive, invite-only kinda thing. and also, i'm not sure how my roommates would take it if they knew i was leaving. i mean, i don't think Todd would do something drastic like kick me out, but it might make things awkward.
i don't want to become some anti-social bookworm or something. i want to go out and hang with people, but i just think it's better to keep it at acquaintance or not-close-friend level rather than deep friendship. what i'd like to do is just go to San Francisco every weekend and hang out with Jessica whom i've already built a close relationship with and she would be ok with me leaving b/c we've already been apart for a while ever since she graduated Oberlin in '04 (and even before that b/c i was closer to Kenichi and other folk at Oberlin). also not growing close to people gives me time to focus on things in my life, such as my career and my health. my job is going well. when i started i wanted a place where i could hang out with my co-workers outside of work, but since that weekend when my co-workers flaked on me, i'm just like, eh, whatev, i'll talk to them and have fun while at work, but i'm not going to take initiative to do anything outside of work again. also, i joined a gym this weekend, and i've been 3 days in a row so far. i'm soo becoming treadmill gay, but i figure i got the time and i'm still young so why not go for the gold.
also, my self-imposed celibacy period expires at midnight tonight. reading the above, i think it's pretty obvious that a romantic relationship is totally out of the question, but i could sure use some nookie right about now...