<--everyone in Game of Throne's family motto
Last night I watched the leaked Game of Thrones episode two streaming (it was awful, quality-wise, and near the end it was basically like watching a narrated picture book, one frame every ten seconds or so JOYS OF UNIVERSITY INTERNET) but anyway--
leupagus asked for a play-by-play. Which I then provided between pauses while the vid was loading. So, spoilers for 2x02 Game of Thrones if you haven't read the books and care about that sort of thing, HEADS UP: I invent ~names~ and also ~spellings~
So it starts out with Ari off in the woods to have a good girly pee because that's what you do when everyone thinks you're a boy, and on her way back three dudes in a cage (the cage being on a wagon because this is a caravan, you see) are like "HEY BABY HEY," even though they think she's a boy--well, two of them are gross dirty motherfuckers who want her to bring them beer, and the third dude is a REALLY PRETTY GUY who looks like he could be real life related to Damian Lewis. Baby!Damian is also heybabyhey with ari, but in a subtle flirty way that might mean he's just friendly or he likes little boys or both. It is Game of Thrones.
Speaking of which, eeeeeeveryone is calling themselves a king now, which eeeeeveryone keeps commenting on. Cersi especially, who is still Not Happy her littlest bro is on the counsel. That One Stark Kid, remember, sent a list of demands if they want Jamie back, and she very diplomatically rips it the hell up. Tyrian is Not Amused. But he is even less amused when that eunuch guy shows up in his room chatting up his girlfriend. DUNDUNDUUUH
Meanwhile, at Balls Be Gone North of the Wall, Jon Snow and his homies be hanging out doing fuck all and certainly not looking at their host's daughters/wives. Actually, props to Jon Snow, he's keeping his eyes where they belong. Baby Hagrid however (i'm really bad with names, i warned you) is like "giiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiirls girls they have soft bits and pretty bits and damn i wish i'd lost my virginity before i made a vow of chastity OH HEY JON LOOKIT WHO I FOUND ISN'T SHE PRETTY" and jon is like "FUCK NO" and Hagrid is like "BUT BUT" and Jon is still "EW VAGINA" and hagrid is like "SHE'S PREGNANT" and jon is like "...the fuck, hagrid, we talked about this, you can't get pregnant by making eye-contact" and Hagrid is like "NO I MEAN. HER DADDY/HUSBAND KNOCKED HER UP AND WE HAVE TO TAKE HER WITH US OUR JOB IS TO PROTECT"
and jon is like WOW MY BOYFRIEND IS DUMB okay i'll use small words, N O. And the chick is like "BUT IF MY BABY'S A BOY...DOT DOT DOT" but she won't tell them what happens if her baby's a boy and runs off and hagrid is like YOU ARE WHY WE CAN'T HAVE NICE THINGS.
Sooooo THEN we skip over to the horsie people who have been starving to death in the desert (not eating the horsies, apparently) and you will recall Kalesi (whatevs) sent 3 riders in each direction looking for help? Remember the prettiest one? Yeaaaaah, his head shows up in a bag tied to his horse. Apparently leaked eps don't get subtitles, so some stuff is said between her and a sobbing handmaiden which I am going to make up: 'MY BROTHER/HUSBAND/WHATEVER IS DEAD. YOUR PLANS SUCK.' 'Yes. Yes they do.' etc.
change channels to That One Guy Who Is Not A Stark But Was Raised Like One After His Dad Forked Him Over In The Divorce When He Lost Badly To The Starks, who, because he has mad skills, is fucking his way across the english channel I MEAN whatever bit of water this is because it's the IRON ISLANDS we're sailing to, definitely not the ARAN ISLANDS which are in rl ireland lalalala. So this chick he's boinking is half in love with him and he's like trolol that's nice, lemme give you some backstory on my peoples' culture: we have wives for breeding and then not-wives for fucking and you aren't even worth the status of not-wife, bend over kthnx.
From one couple fucking to a completely different couple, and then a couple watching that couple fuck, and oh hey we're in slimemold mcgreedy's whorehouse, where happy prostitutes are guaranteed like the toys in the bottom of happy meals. Only, there is one lady of the evening not holding up her end of the bargain, strangely choked up about that baby that got killed in front of her, and to cheer her up McGreedSlime tells her a story of another lady he knew juuuust like her who cried, and how he sold her to a sadistic psycho for a fee big enough to cover what she cost. He is really bad at bedtime stories, jfc.
Meanwhile back at the ranch, Tyrian is having dinner with said babykiller, and being the supreme lord of badasses that he is, he informs the babykiller that he reeeeally can't trust someone who betrayed the last hand of the king. Babykiller calls him an imp and a dwarf because he's super smart, and Tyrian is like BITCH please, enjoy the wall, thbbbbbbpt.
I FORGOT TO MENTION A THING: when we were first with aria some dudeknights came around looking for someone and ari freaked thinking they were for her but they were for The Dead King's Bastard, who, we find out in their next segment, tooootally knows Ari's a girl. And when she's like AM NOT he's like YEAH? SHOW US YOUR COCK THEN and she's like damn, got me there, might as well tell you i'm a stark, and he's like shit i just said cock in front of a noblewoman, and she's like DON'T CALL ME A LADY and he's like LADY LADY LADY GUUURL and she smacks him around a little and all is right with the world.
And the guy who fucked his way across the channel is off to a great start (we're going to call him Randy bc it amuses me and i can't be arsed) Randy finds hisself a New Babe to feel up while she graciously offers him a riiiide to the castle, where he busts in all DADDY! ALL HAIL YOUR PRODIGAL SON and his dad is like Noooooope, and Randy's like ...um wha?? Because it turns out his dad ain't too keen on a son raised by starks, and Randy's like, "Interesting rock and hard place you've got there, seeing as i am your ONLY HEIR" and. Because this is GoT. Daddy says "O rly?" and in struts the New Babe. YES, Randy just spent the last hour feeling up his sister. Good job.
BONUS! Dad is not going to fight the Lanisters for his crown. He's going after the Starks, and he's leading his army with Sis. (i'm sorry, but it has never been more obvious that GRRMartin is ripping off Ireland/Scotland/England relations, this guy insulted Randy's KILT SKIRTS.)
in the least interesting storyline we have going, that one group of peeps who burned their gods are buying pirates to sack...wow i don't even know/care what the country run by lanisters is called. FAKE ENGLAND! There is some one true god bs but i stopped listening.
Tyrian tries to rally and get through to Cersei that killing babies is not the way to go, here. Turns out Goffrey, that inbred little psycho, was the one who gave the order. Cersei rants that all the weight of ruling falls on her and Tyrian, I shit you not, says "So does Jamie, I hear. Repeatedly." And Cersei says, "YOU KNOW WHAT'S FUNNY? KILLING OUR MOM WHEN YOU WERE BORN." and Tyrian's like, "Bitch you have a weird ass concept of funny."
and the god people are chatting about whatever stopped listening, but when they leave the crazy fake redhead preacher drops trou for the king like, heeeey babies? and hes like MARRIED and she's like SONS and he's like yeah okay, twist my arm, wife keeps giving me dead ones anyway.
and JUST when you thought there wasn't enough baby killing, Jon Snow catches the creeper papa pilgrim out leaving his newborn son as sacrifice for the wildlings. And jon is caught. because he's a bastard.
ROLL CREDITS jeeeesus christ this show
It's hard to get attached to characters when you know how GRRMartin rolls. At some point you kind of have to sit back and lol.
leupagus asked for a play-by-play. Which I then provided between pauses while the vid was loading. So, spoilers for 2x02 Game of Thrones if you haven't read the books and care about that sort of thing, HEADS UP: I invent ~names~ and also ~spellings~
So it starts out with Ari off in the woods to have a good girly pee because that's what you do when everyone thinks you're a boy, and on her way back three dudes in a cage (the cage being on a wagon because this is a caravan, you see) are like "HEY BABY HEY," even though they think she's a boy--well, two of them are gross dirty motherfuckers who want her to bring them beer, and the third dude is a REALLY PRETTY GUY who looks like he could be real life related to Damian Lewis. Baby!Damian is also heybabyhey with ari, but in a subtle flirty way that might mean he's just friendly or he likes little boys or both. It is Game of Thrones.
Speaking of which, eeeeeeveryone is calling themselves a king now, which eeeeeveryone keeps commenting on. Cersi especially, who is still Not Happy her littlest bro is on the counsel. That One Stark Kid, remember, sent a list of demands if they want Jamie back, and she very diplomatically rips it the hell up. Tyrian is Not Amused. But he is even less amused when that eunuch guy shows up in his room chatting up his girlfriend. DUNDUNDUUUH
Meanwhile, at Balls Be Gone North of the Wall, Jon Snow and his homies be hanging out doing fuck all and certainly not looking at their host's daughters/wives. Actually, props to Jon Snow, he's keeping his eyes where they belong. Baby Hagrid however (i'm really bad with names, i warned you) is like "giiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiirls girls they have soft bits and pretty bits and damn i wish i'd lost my virginity before i made a vow of chastity OH HEY JON LOOKIT WHO I FOUND ISN'T SHE PRETTY" and jon is like "FUCK NO" and Hagrid is like "BUT BUT" and Jon is still "EW VAGINA" and hagrid is like "SHE'S PREGNANT" and jon is like "...the fuck, hagrid, we talked about this, you can't get pregnant by making eye-contact" and Hagrid is like "NO I MEAN. HER DADDY/HUSBAND KNOCKED HER UP AND WE HAVE TO TAKE HER WITH US OUR JOB IS TO PROTECT"
and jon is like WOW MY BOYFRIEND IS DUMB okay i'll use small words, N O. And the chick is like "BUT IF MY BABY'S A BOY...DOT DOT DOT" but she won't tell them what happens if her baby's a boy and runs off and hagrid is like YOU ARE WHY WE CAN'T HAVE NICE THINGS.
Sooooo THEN we skip over to the horsie people who have been starving to death in the desert (not eating the horsies, apparently) and you will recall Kalesi (whatevs) sent 3 riders in each direction looking for help? Remember the prettiest one? Yeaaaaah, his head shows up in a bag tied to his horse. Apparently leaked eps don't get subtitles, so some stuff is said between her and a sobbing handmaiden which I am going to make up: 'MY BROTHER/HUSBAND/WHATEVER IS DEAD. YOUR PLANS SUCK.' 'Yes. Yes they do.' etc.
change channels to That One Guy Who Is Not A Stark But Was Raised Like One After His Dad Forked Him Over In The Divorce When He Lost Badly To The Starks, who, because he has mad skills, is fucking his way across the english channel I MEAN whatever bit of water this is because it's the IRON ISLANDS we're sailing to, definitely not the ARAN ISLANDS which are in rl ireland lalalala. So this chick he's boinking is half in love with him and he's like trolol that's nice, lemme give you some backstory on my peoples' culture: we have wives for breeding and then not-wives for fucking and you aren't even worth the status of not-wife, bend over kthnx.
From one couple fucking to a completely different couple, and then a couple watching that couple fuck, and oh hey we're in slimemold mcgreedy's whorehouse, where happy prostitutes are guaranteed like the toys in the bottom of happy meals. Only, there is one lady of the evening not holding up her end of the bargain, strangely choked up about that baby that got killed in front of her, and to cheer her up McGreedSlime tells her a story of another lady he knew juuuust like her who cried, and how he sold her to a sadistic psycho for a fee big enough to cover what she cost. He is really bad at bedtime stories, jfc.
Meanwhile back at the ranch, Tyrian is having dinner with said babykiller, and being the supreme lord of badasses that he is, he informs the babykiller that he reeeeally can't trust someone who betrayed the last hand of the king. Babykiller calls him an imp and a dwarf because he's super smart, and Tyrian is like BITCH please, enjoy the wall, thbbbbbbpt.
I FORGOT TO MENTION A THING: when we were first with aria some dudeknights came around looking for someone and ari freaked thinking they were for her but they were for The Dead King's Bastard, who, we find out in their next segment, tooootally knows Ari's a girl. And when she's like AM NOT he's like YEAH? SHOW US YOUR COCK THEN and she's like damn, got me there, might as well tell you i'm a stark, and he's like shit i just said cock in front of a noblewoman, and she's like DON'T CALL ME A LADY and he's like LADY LADY LADY GUUURL and she smacks him around a little and all is right with the world.
And the guy who fucked his way across the channel is off to a great start (we're going to call him Randy bc it amuses me and i can't be arsed) Randy finds hisself a New Babe to feel up while she graciously offers him a riiiide to the castle, where he busts in all DADDY! ALL HAIL YOUR PRODIGAL SON and his dad is like Noooooope, and Randy's like ...um wha?? Because it turns out his dad ain't too keen on a son raised by starks, and Randy's like, "Interesting rock and hard place you've got there, seeing as i am your ONLY HEIR" and. Because this is GoT. Daddy says "O rly?" and in struts the New Babe. YES, Randy just spent the last hour feeling up his sister. Good job.
BONUS! Dad is not going to fight the Lanisters for his crown. He's going after the Starks, and he's leading his army with Sis. (i'm sorry, but it has never been more obvious that GRRMartin is ripping off Ireland/Scotland/England relations, this guy insulted Randy's KILT SKIRTS.)
in the least interesting storyline we have going, that one group of peeps who burned their gods are buying pirates to sack...wow i don't even know/care what the country run by lanisters is called. FAKE ENGLAND! There is some one true god bs but i stopped listening.
Tyrian tries to rally and get through to Cersei that killing babies is not the way to go, here. Turns out Goffrey, that inbred little psycho, was the one who gave the order. Cersei rants that all the weight of ruling falls on her and Tyrian, I shit you not, says "So does Jamie, I hear. Repeatedly." And Cersei says, "YOU KNOW WHAT'S FUNNY? KILLING OUR MOM WHEN YOU WERE BORN." and Tyrian's like, "Bitch you have a weird ass concept of funny."
and the god people are chatting about whatever stopped listening, but when they leave the crazy fake redhead preacher drops trou for the king like, heeeey babies? and hes like MARRIED and she's like SONS and he's like yeah okay, twist my arm, wife keeps giving me dead ones anyway.
and JUST when you thought there wasn't enough baby killing, Jon Snow catches the creeper papa pilgrim out leaving his newborn son as sacrifice for the wildlings. And jon is caught. because he's a bastard.
ROLL CREDITS jeeeesus christ this show
It's hard to get attached to characters when you know how GRRMartin rolls. At some point you kind of have to sit back and lol.