<--Marie de France et Moi
Marie de France and I have a complicated relationship, guys, in which I think she was mother of all badfic in the universe, and she thinks she's the fucking bomb and that all other women should have their noses ripped off by rabid wolves.
The assignment was to write our own lai, (aka badfic in the form of free-style poetry) with an Alaskan twist. There is actualfax a town in Alaska called Big Lake, conveniently enough right next to a lake called Big Lake, and at one point in one of Marie's lais she had two lovers send messages to eachother tied to the wings of a starved swan, because Marie's hater-boner for women was only rivaled by her hater-boner for birds.
Kuk’uq (The Beaver)
by klu d’alaska
In which there is shapeshifting, stalking, and crossdressing; pretty much your average Medieval tale.
There once lived a lady
who normally wouldn’t be named
(for ladies are rarely named in lais)
but because it pleases the author of this tale-
There once lived a lady
by the name of Voldemarie,
who lived by a lake known as Big,
because Wet Lake had already been taken, I suppose.
Voldemarie was everything a lady should be;
she had hair, a face, and the appropriate reproductive organs,
and she is the only female in this story yet,
so her frothy, dairy-based drink
lured all the gentlemen
to the yard
for it was perceived as being much better
than other dairy-based beverages
and though Voldemarie was willing to instruct others
in replicating the recipe
she was known as an entrepreneur
and insisted upon a fee.
One such gentleman
who fancied Voldemarie
was called Kuk’uq.
He lived on the shores of the same lake
in a home he’d made by hand
from mud and twigs and trees
that he chopped down himself.
(This absolutely isn’t foreshadowing
considering the title of this story.)
Anyway, Kuk’uq loved Voldemarie
with all his heart,
and then some.
His liver loved her too, and his kidneys.
And all day long he would work on his house
and think about her
and all night he would dream
of inviting her to his humble abode
to show off his state-of-the-art kitchen appliances.
After several months, Kuk’uq
had collected the requisite fee
to purchase Voldemarie’s services
for he could see no other way to meet her,
not a single alternative method
of communicating a desire to date
in a manner that a normal human might.
But Kuk’uq, as we have begun to expect,
was neither normal nor entirely a human.
In truth he was a shape-shifter
and when he donned his fur balaclava
every third Saturday of the month
Kuk’uq shed his human form for that
of the mighty beaver
in a move that should surprise no reader
at this point in time.
It was this change that led to his fear
of rejection from Voldemarie,
whom he loved so dearly
from the pictures on her Facebook page.
And so Kuk’uq had concocted this plan:
He would purchase his lady’s recipe tutelage
so that she may come to his home
and he could woo her.
However, knowing that she only taught ladies
(less beautiful than herself)
to entice young men with dairy products-
and not wishing her to suppose him inverted
and therefore homosexually inclined-
Kuk’uq made the bold choice
to dress himself as a woman,
and present himself thusly to Voldemarie.
Is this not the most heterosexual of plans?
Surely he was most secure in his manhood,
and this would win his lady.
When the lovely Voldemarie
trekked to the banks of the Big Lake
and followed the directions
that had been written on a note
strapped to the antlers of a starved caribou
that wandered into her courtyard
looking for food
that it could have found
quite easily in the wild-
for Kuk’uq had not paid his cellphone bill
and thus could not text her directly-
Voldemarie found the big lump of mud and wood
that made up Kuk’uq’s house
and didn’t think
this was at all suspicious.
She was met at the door by a young girl
who was, truly, in dire need of
Voldemarie’s assistance
for she was not at all attractive;
her jaw was square and even had
traces of a midday shadow upon it;
her hair looked like weeds from the lake;
and her two front teeth
were very big indeed.
“The better to chew through lumber,”
said the young girl,
and Voldemarie thought
she should have charged a little bit more
for her milkshake expertise.
But the girl was nice enough
and very friendly
and the kitchen appliances truly were state-of-the-art.
Soon Voldemarie found she was
almost enjoying herself
even though the girl’s milkshake
was not about to bring any gentlemen running thither.
Voldemarie appreciated that this girl
would not be competition
and they became fast friends.
Abandoning the milkshake venture
they retired to the living room
to paint each other’s nails and watch Mean Girls
for the purposes of bonding.
Yet it could not always be so idyllic.
Such is the way of the world and
most of the lais.
For when this young girl (who we know
is truly our hero Kuk’uq in disguise)
left Voldemarie to procure popcorn
she saw the fur balaclava hung upon the wall
and thought it very pretty
and, supposing it could do no harm,
she tried it on.
When Kuk’uq returned with provisions
he was so distraught at what he found
that he spilled the bowl upon the floor.
With a cry of despair he threw off his wig
and gathered his dearest love into his arms
for she was roughly arm-sized now,
having been turned into a beaver.
“Oh my love!” he cried, “If only I had not
attempted to deceive you!
Though in my own defense,
who could have foreseen this plan backfiring?”
The beaver chittered furiously
as if she would have liked to whole-heartedly
agree with this assessment,
and Kuk’uq soothed her with many gentle pats
and offerings of birch branches to gnaw upon.
But still, because their love was true,
Kuk’uq and his Voldemarie
managed to have a good time
waiting for the third Saturday of the month-
beavers still have nails that can be painted
and can possess a rudimentary appreciation
for chickflicks, after all.
And lo, when the third Saturday came to pass
Voldemarie shed the furry balaclava
and returned to her former human shape.
By that time
Stockholm syndrome had set in
so that Kuk’uq and his large front teeth
seemed sort of endearing.
Plus he made a mean bowl of popcorn,
and Voldemarie was getting sick of milkshakes anyway.
The two lovers wed in a chapel
by the lake they call Big.
The starved caribou was the ring-bearer
and it was officiated by
many highly symbolic birds
who probably died afterwards
because this is a lai
which is also a completely true story
because I just said it is
and I’m the author
so there.
THE. END.
if I don't get an A on this it will be nothing less than I deserve. *crashes and burns*
The assignment was to write our own lai, (aka badfic in the form of free-style poetry) with an Alaskan twist. There is actualfax a town in Alaska called Big Lake, conveniently enough right next to a lake called Big Lake, and at one point in one of Marie's lais she had two lovers send messages to eachother tied to the wings of a starved swan, because Marie's hater-boner for women was only rivaled by her hater-boner for birds.
Kuk’uq (The Beaver)
by klu d’alaska
In which there is shapeshifting, stalking, and crossdressing; pretty much your average Medieval tale.
There once lived a lady
who normally wouldn’t be named
(for ladies are rarely named in lais)
but because it pleases the author of this tale-
There once lived a lady
by the name of Voldemarie,
who lived by a lake known as Big,
because Wet Lake had already been taken, I suppose.
Voldemarie was everything a lady should be;
she had hair, a face, and the appropriate reproductive organs,
and she is the only female in this story yet,
so her frothy, dairy-based drink
lured all the gentlemen
to the yard
for it was perceived as being much better
than other dairy-based beverages
and though Voldemarie was willing to instruct others
in replicating the recipe
she was known as an entrepreneur
and insisted upon a fee.
One such gentleman
who fancied Voldemarie
was called Kuk’uq.
He lived on the shores of the same lake
in a home he’d made by hand
from mud and twigs and trees
that he chopped down himself.
(This absolutely isn’t foreshadowing
considering the title of this story.)
Anyway, Kuk’uq loved Voldemarie
with all his heart,
and then some.
His liver loved her too, and his kidneys.
And all day long he would work on his house
and think about her
and all night he would dream
of inviting her to his humble abode
to show off his state-of-the-art kitchen appliances.
After several months, Kuk’uq
had collected the requisite fee
to purchase Voldemarie’s services
for he could see no other way to meet her,
not a single alternative method
of communicating a desire to date
in a manner that a normal human might.
But Kuk’uq, as we have begun to expect,
was neither normal nor entirely a human.
In truth he was a shape-shifter
and when he donned his fur balaclava
every third Saturday of the month
Kuk’uq shed his human form for that
of the mighty beaver
in a move that should surprise no reader
at this point in time.
It was this change that led to his fear
of rejection from Voldemarie,
whom he loved so dearly
from the pictures on her Facebook page.
And so Kuk’uq had concocted this plan:
He would purchase his lady’s recipe tutelage
so that she may come to his home
and he could woo her.
However, knowing that she only taught ladies
(less beautiful than herself)
to entice young men with dairy products-
and not wishing her to suppose him inverted
and therefore homosexually inclined-
Kuk’uq made the bold choice
to dress himself as a woman,
and present himself thusly to Voldemarie.
Is this not the most heterosexual of plans?
Surely he was most secure in his manhood,
and this would win his lady.
When the lovely Voldemarie
trekked to the banks of the Big Lake
and followed the directions
that had been written on a note
strapped to the antlers of a starved caribou
that wandered into her courtyard
looking for food
that it could have found
quite easily in the wild-
for Kuk’uq had not paid his cellphone bill
and thus could not text her directly-
Voldemarie found the big lump of mud and wood
that made up Kuk’uq’s house
and didn’t think
this was at all suspicious.
She was met at the door by a young girl
who was, truly, in dire need of
Voldemarie’s assistance
for she was not at all attractive;
her jaw was square and even had
traces of a midday shadow upon it;
her hair looked like weeds from the lake;
and her two front teeth
were very big indeed.
“The better to chew through lumber,”
said the young girl,
and Voldemarie thought
she should have charged a little bit more
for her milkshake expertise.
But the girl was nice enough
and very friendly
and the kitchen appliances truly were state-of-the-art.
Soon Voldemarie found she was
almost enjoying herself
even though the girl’s milkshake
was not about to bring any gentlemen running thither.
Voldemarie appreciated that this girl
would not be competition
and they became fast friends.
Abandoning the milkshake venture
they retired to the living room
to paint each other’s nails and watch Mean Girls
for the purposes of bonding.
Yet it could not always be so idyllic.
Such is the way of the world and
most of the lais.
For when this young girl (who we know
is truly our hero Kuk’uq in disguise)
left Voldemarie to procure popcorn
she saw the fur balaclava hung upon the wall
and thought it very pretty
and, supposing it could do no harm,
she tried it on.
When Kuk’uq returned with provisions
he was so distraught at what he found
that he spilled the bowl upon the floor.
With a cry of despair he threw off his wig
and gathered his dearest love into his arms
for she was roughly arm-sized now,
having been turned into a beaver.
“Oh my love!” he cried, “If only I had not
attempted to deceive you!
Though in my own defense,
who could have foreseen this plan backfiring?”
The beaver chittered furiously
as if she would have liked to whole-heartedly
agree with this assessment,
and Kuk’uq soothed her with many gentle pats
and offerings of birch branches to gnaw upon.
But still, because their love was true,
Kuk’uq and his Voldemarie
managed to have a good time
waiting for the third Saturday of the month-
beavers still have nails that can be painted
and can possess a rudimentary appreciation
for chickflicks, after all.
And lo, when the third Saturday came to pass
Voldemarie shed the furry balaclava
and returned to her former human shape.
By that time
Stockholm syndrome had set in
so that Kuk’uq and his large front teeth
seemed sort of endearing.
Plus he made a mean bowl of popcorn,
and Voldemarie was getting sick of milkshakes anyway.
The two lovers wed in a chapel
by the lake they call Big.
The starved caribou was the ring-bearer
and it was officiated by
many highly symbolic birds
who probably died afterwards
because this is a lai
which is also a completely true story
because I just said it is
and I’m the author
so there.
THE. END.
if I don't get an A on this it will be nothing less than I deserve. *crashes and burns*