summer so far
Have you ever felt like your life was moving in slow motion and there was no way to speed it up? I've felt that lately because I have had a lot of time to really think about things and absorb what's going on around me. I realize that I have become somebody completely different from what I had imagined. I have no zest..I have lost it somewhere in my blinding journey through teen years. It's sad really that at 19 years old, I would rather lay around watching law and order instead of actually trying to do something. My mind keeps screaming at me to get out and enjoy what little time off I have, but my body just won't budge. I've been meaning to get a gym membership for weeks now and I haven't gone out and done it. I went out and bought a bunch of healthy and organic stuff and I still stopped at starbucks this morning and got a muffin. I'm dead tired everyday, I need to find some energy besides the forced energy that comes over me when I walk into work and have to be cheerful. The key problem is that I am so tired all the time, and I have made virtually no effort to meet new people and get out there. I haven't really made any kind of effort to do much of anything, I'm just getting by and passing the days. On the bright side, I got to see my parents yesterday and we saw the Davinci code which was good. I just felt like I was a million miles away yesterday and I hoped that my parents wouldn't notice because it didn't have anything to do with them. I've just been taking a long hard look at my life lately and getting mad at myself for letting it get to this point. I just need a swift kick in the ass, something to just get me going. I've been trying to make up for this emptiness by working extra hours, but it is so substitute because it just makes me more tired and gives me more reason to lay around when I am not at work. It's sad really but I'm really going to try and change it. Quitting smoking is still not working. I realize that I have this amazing ability to overeat when I am trying to quit and I really don't want to do that. Arggg I'm getting angry at myself again. I promised Carrie I would be a nonsmoker when she came home and I can't break my promise so I'm trying. Hope everyone else is doing ok and wish me luck trying to find myself again.