What's going to be left of the world, if you're not in it?
Friday, July 29th… Derek and I have been married ten years. Although I don’t typically believe in commemorating anniversaries, I am taking a moment this day to think about how this might possibly be our final anniversary together. We’ve always been in a close, intimate, loving relationship for the majority of these 10 years. However, within the
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I'm shocked to read this. Yeah. No. Hi. I just stumbled onto LiveJournal out of the blue and read this. I haven't had a lot of internet access. Plus I work two jobs, so yeah, not a lot of time on WiFi.
Joel and I had a pretty bad year last year. It had a lot to do with the fact that he can sometimes just stop all contact for no real reason. I've been struggling a lot with the fact that this is a part of who he is as an introvert and it's not something I can fix. So it's a leave it as it is or end it decision. Only Joel totally insists that I stay. I'm like well, you need to help make this work a little better then. He's mostly been responsive. But a lot of it is me getting a lot busier and focusing time on myself and my work.
I learned you can't rely on someone else to be your everything. Though it still really sucks for me when I'm in a shitty spot and he's no where to be found. That kind of thing.
For me, you and Derek were like the ideal gamer couple when I was in college. You somehow always bestowed openness and generosity on your friends as a couple. And so it's hard to picture things not going well.
I mean Derek was always a little immature. But I thought that was part of what you digged, his boyish charm and mischievousness. I find it really weird that he wants a child though. He already has Dorian. Weird.
Not to be whatever, but doesn't all this kinda fly in the face of your "open" relationship? I thought you had decided that emotional monogamy was not for you. Sorry, if I'm misinterpreting. I didn't come here to make a judgement call. But I was under the impression that you were both comfortable with a triangular relationship. So given that, maybe Derek feels the investment in one on one is not a major component or priority in your relationship right now. I'm not excusing his faults, I'm just saying, is it possible that his behavior stems from either wanting to be more of a top priority or oppositely - that he just doesn't feel the need to worry? Could he simply be thinking it's no big deal?
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I've spent a lot of time thinking about things on my own, and in therapy... and I've come to realize my marriage is ending because the Derek I married 10 years ago no longer exists. I, too, fondly remember the days we would open our house to friends, family... or how about all the times we traveled to events or acted together at SCA events? The Derek I'm married to now would never do any of those things. The Derek I'm married to now barely leaves the house because he is always "ill." The Derek I am married to now would cancel a million plans because they don't suit his needs, or cancel them because they require him to step out into the world and be active, and impede his time to hang out at home. Although maybe the situation is two-fold... maybe that immature, selfish side of Derek is dominating so much that I can't just stay married to someone who WANTS simply to rush into bad choices just because time is running out. I can't just stay married to a Derek who suddenly wants to have children, when he sleeps incessantly and cannot take care of himself. It's like a switch has suddenly flipped and he's someone totally different. I honestly feel like whether due to mental and / or physical illness, I am honestly married to a stranger. And he's abusive. I just can't allow myself to live like this anymore. He does have a child, Dorian, who is high school dropout and looser, essentially because Derek abandoned him.... now that is good parenting (long story).
As far as open relationship stuff, that has probably been surprisingly the least point of contention between us. He's constantly like, "Yeah, I don't feel like doing X... why don't you go ask your boyfriend to go with you?" He actually told me today he hopes that Lothar reevaluates his life and we end up together someday, because he could see us really happy together. We've always been pretty comfortable with the triangular relationship arrangement, I've just been more successful at making it work with the right person (even though it is far from easy). Maybe he doesn't think it is a big deal, I mean he's been divorced once... and has survived. So maybe it's a "no big deal" kind of mindset. I honestly don't understand him, I really do not know.
I have my good days, I have my bad ones too where I'm beyond anxious and depressed... but I'm trying to see the positives. I'm 31 years old... I have friends who have not even been married before. I honestly have my whole life ahead of me. It's a blank canvas where I can finally discover myself. Yes, that is scary... but it's also a scary kind of beautiful... I can create, I can be me, I can discover life without restrictions. I've never had that before. I went from being a teenager to immediately being a young married lady. And maybe someday when I accomplish more great things, I'll look back and this all won't hurt so much. But right now, it sucks... and I'm kind of feeling like I've wasted 10 years of my life.
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