What's going to be left of the world, if you're not in it?
Friday, July 29th… Derek and I have been married ten years. Although I don’t typically believe in commemorating anniversaries, I am taking a moment this day to think about how this might possibly be our final anniversary together. We’ve always been in a close, intimate, loving relationship for the majority of these 10 years. However, within the last 5 years, his health has steadily been on the decline. Despite many doctor visits, specialist visits, and therapists have yielded no results. It’s a complicated situation because I feel Derek dismisses ideas and treatment options his doctors and friends suggest that could be effective. His lack of effort trying to change his physical deprecation is hard for me to deal with. He also is struggling with extreme anxiety and depression. The issue is he cannot acknowledge or see these invisible illnesses impact our relationship. I openly know that I struggle with anxiety. My grandmother lived her life without treating her anxiety and she lived a very miserable life. When I saw I was heading down the same path, I started receiving some help. I feel like I’ve come quite a far way from the emotional, anxious, out-of-control girl I once was. However, despite the work I do to improve myself, I can’t control Derek. I can’t force him to change or deal with his increasing amount of depression and anxiety, which may be side-effects of his longstanding illness. He doesn’t want to see them, acknowledge these weaknesses. He’s also completely changed. He no longer wants to leave the house to attend SCA events, weekend activities, or act with Vagando Stolti. I’m just heartbroken and lost. I feel like 10 years ago I married a completely different person back in 2006, but now I’m living with a stranger. I’m so sad, I honestly have no clue what to do. I’m absolutely miserable in my marriage. There is no fairy-tale ending here.
My therapist says that from my description, even though he is turning 40 this year, he sounds selfish and immature. It’s like if things do not meet his standards, he just gives up and moves on to something else. Let’s say he starts a new job and it isn’t the job of his dreams, he will work for months, a year or two, then give up and search again. Then Derek has been married 10 years, and all of a sudden the marriage gets hard due to his health, and he wants to all of a sudden “give up” on me because I cannot be the perfect wife. I cannot keep the house clean, cats taken care of, cook dinner, keep everything clean and organized even though I don’t have an equal investment on his part. He wrote selfishly in his letter that he wants to have a dog and a child, just because he wants it. He doesn’t want those things because it’s a good fit in our lives right now. He’s just acting like a young child throwing a tantrum because he wants something now but can’t have it. He says he is 80% better when we go to the therapist, then he is down 20% when I’m at home. Instead of controlling his illness and functioning, he lets his illness control him. It controls his anxiety, his moods, his anger, and his investment in our marriage. He takes his frustration out on me because his illness is not a tangible person he can abuse. It’s similar to the way Dorian always made excuses and blamed everyone else, except the things he could control himself. Regardless of Derek’s illness, I don’t deserve to be in an abusive relationship with anyone.
When I was a young girl, I never wanted to get married. The number one thing I wanted to do in my life was become a teacher. I always joke that if my stuffed animals could talk, they would be well educated because I taught them everything I had learned in school that day. I am thankful I am fulfilling that dream of mine. I’m not one to look to my ancestors, but maybe we are cursed… my mom, my grandma… all in unhappy, unfulfilling marriages. I was so certain I had escaped, but now I find myself back here at the drawing board. I’m questioning what love is, why it fades so rapidly, and why I don’t deserve to have happy, fulfilling relationships and friendships that last forever. Everything ends so quickly for me, and I feel each day that I’m alive, it’s a depressing waiting game for me as a wait to grieve the end of something else failing in my life. However, now that I’ve been receiving treatment for my anxiety, maybe things will finally improve for me if I pursue future relationships and friendships with others.
Sometimes I dream of how I’d want everything to be different in the future. Is it doable, is it obtainable? I feel so many things are going well for me, so how much will I have to sacrifice if I want my life to change? What am I willing to sacrifice? How can I start?
If I felt like getting married again in the future, I would elope and only invited my mom, dad and a couple close friends… I wouldn’t waste my time with a large ceremony where 90% of the friends that attend would be people I honestly would never see again. In my new relationship, I would cut contact with so many people… fade into the distance. I just want to live an intimate, close life with the people that truly care about me. Maybe I would go somewhere breathtaking and exotic with the person I love. We’d stare in each other’s eyes, recite poetry, and enjoy the serenity of everything… and that’s all we would need to commit to love each other. I just don’t think weddings should be such a public display. I don’t even believe in wedding rings. My grief and depression have taught me many things, but they’ve made me stronger. I’m winning the battle against my anxiety, and even if everything falls apart, I’ll have grown as a person. If the end of my suffering comes, I’ll definitely be ready to move into the new phase of my life.
I never thought I’d be here… I guess no one ever anticipates that moment when the cornerstone, security, safety of your accustomed life crumbles and nothing feels the same. Every day I’m randomly in a foreign land, wondering how to communicate with a stranger… and my anxiety is weighing me down, consuming me, and devouring my energy… I’m waiting for the other pillar to fall. I’m drawing the conclusion that it’s only a matter of time.
I am lost, traipsing around this haze of a life that once was…
My therapist says that from my description, even though he is turning 40 this year, he sounds selfish and immature. It’s like if things do not meet his standards, he just gives up and moves on to something else. Let’s say he starts a new job and it isn’t the job of his dreams, he will work for months, a year or two, then give up and search again. Then Derek has been married 10 years, and all of a sudden the marriage gets hard due to his health, and he wants to all of a sudden “give up” on me because I cannot be the perfect wife. I cannot keep the house clean, cats taken care of, cook dinner, keep everything clean and organized even though I don’t have an equal investment on his part. He wrote selfishly in his letter that he wants to have a dog and a child, just because he wants it. He doesn’t want those things because it’s a good fit in our lives right now. He’s just acting like a young child throwing a tantrum because he wants something now but can’t have it. He says he is 80% better when we go to the therapist, then he is down 20% when I’m at home. Instead of controlling his illness and functioning, he lets his illness control him. It controls his anxiety, his moods, his anger, and his investment in our marriage. He takes his frustration out on me because his illness is not a tangible person he can abuse. It’s similar to the way Dorian always made excuses and blamed everyone else, except the things he could control himself. Regardless of Derek’s illness, I don’t deserve to be in an abusive relationship with anyone.
When I was a young girl, I never wanted to get married. The number one thing I wanted to do in my life was become a teacher. I always joke that if my stuffed animals could talk, they would be well educated because I taught them everything I had learned in school that day. I am thankful I am fulfilling that dream of mine. I’m not one to look to my ancestors, but maybe we are cursed… my mom, my grandma… all in unhappy, unfulfilling marriages. I was so certain I had escaped, but now I find myself back here at the drawing board. I’m questioning what love is, why it fades so rapidly, and why I don’t deserve to have happy, fulfilling relationships and friendships that last forever. Everything ends so quickly for me, and I feel each day that I’m alive, it’s a depressing waiting game for me as a wait to grieve the end of something else failing in my life. However, now that I’ve been receiving treatment for my anxiety, maybe things will finally improve for me if I pursue future relationships and friendships with others.
Sometimes I dream of how I’d want everything to be different in the future. Is it doable, is it obtainable? I feel so many things are going well for me, so how much will I have to sacrifice if I want my life to change? What am I willing to sacrifice? How can I start?
If I felt like getting married again in the future, I would elope and only invited my mom, dad and a couple close friends… I wouldn’t waste my time with a large ceremony where 90% of the friends that attend would be people I honestly would never see again. In my new relationship, I would cut contact with so many people… fade into the distance. I just want to live an intimate, close life with the people that truly care about me. Maybe I would go somewhere breathtaking and exotic with the person I love. We’d stare in each other’s eyes, recite poetry, and enjoy the serenity of everything… and that’s all we would need to commit to love each other. I just don’t think weddings should be such a public display. I don’t even believe in wedding rings. My grief and depression have taught me many things, but they’ve made me stronger. I’m winning the battle against my anxiety, and even if everything falls apart, I’ll have grown as a person. If the end of my suffering comes, I’ll definitely be ready to move into the new phase of my life.
I never thought I’d be here… I guess no one ever anticipates that moment when the cornerstone, security, safety of your accustomed life crumbles and nothing feels the same. Every day I’m randomly in a foreign land, wondering how to communicate with a stranger… and my anxiety is weighing me down, consuming me, and devouring my energy… I’m waiting for the other pillar to fall. I’m drawing the conclusion that it’s only a matter of time.
I am lost, traipsing around this haze of a life that once was…