Do Not Dwell in the Past. Do Not Dream of the Future. Concentrate the Mind on the Present Moment...
I once was the Aurora Borealis; mysterious ribbons of light streaking across the darkness of your life... Astounded, memorized, and in awe... I never saw your glance fade away. Your sacred, secret, silent stare created an illuminating constellation of moments we once shared within the mysterious whisper of the night. With the cessation of dark, arrives an endless day... I am still here hidden in beautiful splendor, as you now choose to fade away...
It's 4:01 AM and I cannot sleep... but I can't seem to be awake enough to do anything remotely productive. So I obviously have a lot on my mind.... Oh, and this is another confusing, vague entry, meant to sift through some of my personal speculations about my existence.
Unfortunately change has become an incessant, annoying visitor that doesn't seem to take the hint to just... Take a break! I've had more than my fair dose of job changes, family changes, car changes, friend changes... this year has been filled with an overwhelming amount of changes for me. I know things fall apart so better things come together... but I yearn sometimes for that consistency I can't seem to grasp right now in my life. I yearn to own it, coddle it, and savor it for even a minimal shard of time.
When I look around me, I see so many people living with unwavering consistency. The librarian who has worked 50 years, the teacher who taught two generations of students, the married couple who spent the last 25 years of their lives living in the same house, former classmates of mine who still talk to the same friends they had in elementary school... So many people truly have found a place with people throughout time where they can be content indefinitely. I bless these people but my heart secretly whispers to universe, "How do these people achieve this fate?"
I don't know, life has just never been this way for me. I've always dreamed of it romantically... working at the same school, same area, with the same person and friends that I loved forever. I still remember those days began in elementary school. All I wanted was a loyal friend. Someone who I could call, without a doubt, my best friend. I wanted a best friend so badly that the jeers hurt when I was constantly rejected by the students around me. Everyone in my classes chose to segregate themselves into selective pairs, and I was always left alone. I remember one time vividly when I was in my "signature chaotic emotional state" and told a couple students I dreamed of creating a friendship with that allowing me to be secluded wasn't "fair." The result was crippling as they told me neither one of them liked me, and most likely no one ever would. I was always nice, kind, polite to everyone I had met and could never figure out why I never bonded with anyone. It didn't make sense to me. This wall of thought slammed down on me in college when I struggled learning to adapt with the revolving door of friendships entering and exiting my life at often inconvenient times... times when I really needed someone there for me the most.
I thought by the age of 28, I would have finally figured out the secret... I guess in a way, I did. I do have a great marriage that has lasted seven years. I do have some really amazing friends that transcend these miles. I really do have so many fantastic people in my life everywhere... precisely everywhere but here *see disclaimer below*. I love all you people, but I get a little lonely sometimes because I'd really like to make local friends I can connect with, go out with, hang out with but... I feel like the moment I get close to someone I really connect with, I'm pushed away. Then I'm grasping for straws, wondering if this friendship was really there or if I just dove into the depths of my dreams too quickly. It feels like I'm constantly diving into the security of the lake, when in reality, I end up diving headfirst into the deep ocean. It's too late for me. I'm sinking with the weight of my emotions and it's too late to stop my emotional demise... before I know it, I transform into that monster I've never liked to be... and I'm lost. No one wants to embrace me or save me at this point.
At the beginning of this year, I coincidentally met someone who eventually became a close local friend to me when I had lost all hope in ever making friends here. We met so randomly, but the moment we met in person, I felt those electrifying sensations of compassion and openness I had been searching for in a friend. I can't describe it, but our energy together that first day stunned me... It truly froze me, chilled me... made me panic. I realized although I had always wanted to discover the true bond of friendship again, it was a dangerous connection because I was really starting to open up. I was mesmerized and really starting to confide in someone else... it was the medicine to ease my heavy heart when I needed it the most. However, feeling this connection exposed me once again to the daggers of emotional risk... and I knew I really needed to shield myself and tread lightly. I couldn't bring myself to take these steps and yet remain as open as I needed to be during these difficult times of my life.
My friend was also going through some difficult times with work situations and relationships. Whether it was my job, or their relationships we just sat, talked, listened, and gave advice to each other for many days. I don't know if misery loved company, or if it was just our unexplainable connection that kept bringing each of us back into each others arms. Our life was filled with random acts of kindness toward one. It was always the little things; it touched me when they gave me their only mango just because they knew I would enjoy eating it or calling me just to check on me and see how I was doing with some of the difficult moments in my life and inviting me over if needed. I felt like I had another refuge while I was in a truly dark place. Although my description sounds quite passionate, we were strictly platonic in our interactions with each other, which was highly agreeable for both of us as kept each other company as we slowly recovered the pieces of our shattered hearts together.
Well, as most of my common stories go... this friend of mine is male. We both helped each other work through a lot of issues, and now my friend is dating again. I'm truly happy for him, of course, however it's complicated because I fundamentally know this is the end of our friendship. Relatively recent patterns of avoidance and distant communication indicate that he will get stuck in new relationship energy (NRE) and I'll fade back into the mysterious shroud of darkness that once covered our kindred spirits. There's nothing I can do except fade. These moments, these memories... this person has inspired me and touched my soul by selflessly giving me everything I ever needed during my short time here.
There is a mourning process though... whether someone looses a best friend, lover, family member... and I need to get my mind back under control. There are a million college and work preparation things I need to do. I've been working on controlling my disappointment, I've done it before. I'm trying to contain the monster I always seem to become when these things happen...
In regard to this and my previous surges of uncontrollable emotions, my mother has a theory that I have inherited them genetically. My grandmother also had these frequent highs and lows... the constant feelings of inadequacy. My grandmother apparently struggled with these emotions her whole life. I am really disheartened with the fact that my mother compared to my grandmother though... she was manipulative, verbally and physically abusive to my uncle and my mother, who both have subsequent issues resulting from that abuse today. I really hope I'm not so far gone that I've somehow evolved into that person... I really felt like I was getting much better handling my emotions before life punched me in the face. Now I'm trying to survive and find the path back to who I was before...
In society, I can see why I struggle with my conditioned perceptions about friendships and connections with others. Everywhere I turn I see the glamorization of "unwavering consistency" in literature, movies, songs. Almost every story has people that have been married forever, working the same jobs forever, inviting over the same friends over. I feel abnormal because sans a great marriage, I have never "fit in" to these scenarios. My question I often ask myself is, "Is my life any better that I do feel this constant, imperfect struggle to connect with others? Is this the way I want meant to live? Does it enhance my existence?"
I feel like I'm constantly suffering, but now when I step away I can see possibilities that changing my life periodically might actually refresh and enrich my life. I've moved a few times, but look at all the amazing things I've experienced, the lives I have touched... that wouldn't have happened otherwise. When I've lost these close friends and family, the experience of loss makes me treasure each day and make the most of the time I have with others while it lasts. Scarcity provides value to life's experiences. I have the now, I have this moment. I have this valuable opportunity I will never be able to grasp again to experience amazing memories that will inspire me and fondly remind me that no matter the uncertain future status of friendship... I have lived a well-loved life.
Through meditative practices, I'm gradually learning to change my mindset and I realize I cannot claim the people and each moment as my own. Each moment is meant to be temporal, fleeting, and uniquely insightful. Letting go of people, letting go of these moments means that these relationships or people are left as they are; but this practice does not mean you annihilate them or throw them away. It is more like setting relationships and people aside peacefully and letting them be... happy. Through the practice of letting go, we realize the truth. The origin of suffering is attachment to desire, and in this case it is my desire to hold on to people or friendships that are no longer what they once were. If I can somehow wave goodbye to my desires; then is no longer any attachment to them... and I should be able to keep my emotions under control and begin to heal. For instance, if I was carrying around a clock just because I felt I needed it all the time, I would be attached to the clock even when it wasn't necessary in my life. It might be heavy, it might be wearing me out to have this clock in my possession. In this situation, I need to lay down the clock gently. It is only really necessary for me to use the clock when it is necessary and a productive tool in my life. However, when it doesn't fit into my life, I can set it down without damage. This is kind of a weird example, I suppose, but overall it makes sense. When friendships fit into my life, I will access those connections while they last. When those connections cease to exist, maybe it is because those connections are no longer necessary for my life... It is an interesting concept to contemplate.
I will set aside the attachment I feel regarding this friendship. I wish the friendship was still in my life, but I realize the truth is that it simply is not present anymore. It's time for me to move forward on my journey; my once friend is now but a stranger on this curvy, crazy road of my life... I will always think fondly of our memories and time together as I continue onward.
I am thankful for every memory, every comfort, every time we have spent together. You have my eternal regards, my friends.
*Disclaimer* I know the first thing many people might ask after reading this part of my entry, "What about your husband? Isn't he the only best friend you need? Is your marriage in trouble?" My husband is truly my best friend and there is nothing wrong with my marriage. I'm not codependent though; I'm not joined at the hip. Although I do enjoy spending time with him on a rather regular basis, I find it equally refreshing to get out of the house by myself and interact with others. It actually strengthens my marriage, I think. This behavior may also be a learned or inherited trait. I just talked to my mother last night and she mentioned after spending a week with my father on a vacation in Alaska, she needed a break from being around him all the time when she arrived home. There's nothing wrong with my parents' relationship... they have almost been married 50 years. So like mother, like daughter... I theorize .
It's 4:01 AM and I cannot sleep... but I can't seem to be awake enough to do anything remotely productive. So I obviously have a lot on my mind.... Oh, and this is another confusing, vague entry, meant to sift through some of my personal speculations about my existence.
Unfortunately change has become an incessant, annoying visitor that doesn't seem to take the hint to just... Take a break! I've had more than my fair dose of job changes, family changes, car changes, friend changes... this year has been filled with an overwhelming amount of changes for me. I know things fall apart so better things come together... but I yearn sometimes for that consistency I can't seem to grasp right now in my life. I yearn to own it, coddle it, and savor it for even a minimal shard of time.
When I look around me, I see so many people living with unwavering consistency. The librarian who has worked 50 years, the teacher who taught two generations of students, the married couple who spent the last 25 years of their lives living in the same house, former classmates of mine who still talk to the same friends they had in elementary school... So many people truly have found a place with people throughout time where they can be content indefinitely. I bless these people but my heart secretly whispers to universe, "How do these people achieve this fate?"
I don't know, life has just never been this way for me. I've always dreamed of it romantically... working at the same school, same area, with the same person and friends that I loved forever. I still remember those days began in elementary school. All I wanted was a loyal friend. Someone who I could call, without a doubt, my best friend. I wanted a best friend so badly that the jeers hurt when I was constantly rejected by the students around me. Everyone in my classes chose to segregate themselves into selective pairs, and I was always left alone. I remember one time vividly when I was in my "signature chaotic emotional state" and told a couple students I dreamed of creating a friendship with that allowing me to be secluded wasn't "fair." The result was crippling as they told me neither one of them liked me, and most likely no one ever would. I was always nice, kind, polite to everyone I had met and could never figure out why I never bonded with anyone. It didn't make sense to me. This wall of thought slammed down on me in college when I struggled learning to adapt with the revolving door of friendships entering and exiting my life at often inconvenient times... times when I really needed someone there for me the most.
I thought by the age of 28, I would have finally figured out the secret... I guess in a way, I did. I do have a great marriage that has lasted seven years. I do have some really amazing friends that transcend these miles. I really do have so many fantastic people in my life everywhere... precisely everywhere but here *see disclaimer below*. I love all you people, but I get a little lonely sometimes because I'd really like to make local friends I can connect with, go out with, hang out with but... I feel like the moment I get close to someone I really connect with, I'm pushed away. Then I'm grasping for straws, wondering if this friendship was really there or if I just dove into the depths of my dreams too quickly. It feels like I'm constantly diving into the security of the lake, when in reality, I end up diving headfirst into the deep ocean. It's too late for me. I'm sinking with the weight of my emotions and it's too late to stop my emotional demise... before I know it, I transform into that monster I've never liked to be... and I'm lost. No one wants to embrace me or save me at this point.
At the beginning of this year, I coincidentally met someone who eventually became a close local friend to me when I had lost all hope in ever making friends here. We met so randomly, but the moment we met in person, I felt those electrifying sensations of compassion and openness I had been searching for in a friend. I can't describe it, but our energy together that first day stunned me... It truly froze me, chilled me... made me panic. I realized although I had always wanted to discover the true bond of friendship again, it was a dangerous connection because I was really starting to open up. I was mesmerized and really starting to confide in someone else... it was the medicine to ease my heavy heart when I needed it the most. However, feeling this connection exposed me once again to the daggers of emotional risk... and I knew I really needed to shield myself and tread lightly. I couldn't bring myself to take these steps and yet remain as open as I needed to be during these difficult times of my life.
My friend was also going through some difficult times with work situations and relationships. Whether it was my job, or their relationships we just sat, talked, listened, and gave advice to each other for many days. I don't know if misery loved company, or if it was just our unexplainable connection that kept bringing each of us back into each others arms. Our life was filled with random acts of kindness toward one. It was always the little things; it touched me when they gave me their only mango just because they knew I would enjoy eating it or calling me just to check on me and see how I was doing with some of the difficult moments in my life and inviting me over if needed. I felt like I had another refuge while I was in a truly dark place. Although my description sounds quite passionate, we were strictly platonic in our interactions with each other, which was highly agreeable for both of us as kept each other company as we slowly recovered the pieces of our shattered hearts together.
Well, as most of my common stories go... this friend of mine is male. We both helped each other work through a lot of issues, and now my friend is dating again. I'm truly happy for him, of course, however it's complicated because I fundamentally know this is the end of our friendship. Relatively recent patterns of avoidance and distant communication indicate that he will get stuck in new relationship energy (NRE) and I'll fade back into the mysterious shroud of darkness that once covered our kindred spirits. There's nothing I can do except fade. These moments, these memories... this person has inspired me and touched my soul by selflessly giving me everything I ever needed during my short time here.
There is a mourning process though... whether someone looses a best friend, lover, family member... and I need to get my mind back under control. There are a million college and work preparation things I need to do. I've been working on controlling my disappointment, I've done it before. I'm trying to contain the monster I always seem to become when these things happen...
In regard to this and my previous surges of uncontrollable emotions, my mother has a theory that I have inherited them genetically. My grandmother also had these frequent highs and lows... the constant feelings of inadequacy. My grandmother apparently struggled with these emotions her whole life. I am really disheartened with the fact that my mother compared to my grandmother though... she was manipulative, verbally and physically abusive to my uncle and my mother, who both have subsequent issues resulting from that abuse today. I really hope I'm not so far gone that I've somehow evolved into that person... I really felt like I was getting much better handling my emotions before life punched me in the face. Now I'm trying to survive and find the path back to who I was before...
In society, I can see why I struggle with my conditioned perceptions about friendships and connections with others. Everywhere I turn I see the glamorization of "unwavering consistency" in literature, movies, songs. Almost every story has people that have been married forever, working the same jobs forever, inviting over the same friends over. I feel abnormal because sans a great marriage, I have never "fit in" to these scenarios. My question I often ask myself is, "Is my life any better that I do feel this constant, imperfect struggle to connect with others? Is this the way I want meant to live? Does it enhance my existence?"
I feel like I'm constantly suffering, but now when I step away I can see possibilities that changing my life periodically might actually refresh and enrich my life. I've moved a few times, but look at all the amazing things I've experienced, the lives I have touched... that wouldn't have happened otherwise. When I've lost these close friends and family, the experience of loss makes me treasure each day and make the most of the time I have with others while it lasts. Scarcity provides value to life's experiences. I have the now, I have this moment. I have this valuable opportunity I will never be able to grasp again to experience amazing memories that will inspire me and fondly remind me that no matter the uncertain future status of friendship... I have lived a well-loved life.
Through meditative practices, I'm gradually learning to change my mindset and I realize I cannot claim the people and each moment as my own. Each moment is meant to be temporal, fleeting, and uniquely insightful. Letting go of people, letting go of these moments means that these relationships or people are left as they are; but this practice does not mean you annihilate them or throw them away. It is more like setting relationships and people aside peacefully and letting them be... happy. Through the practice of letting go, we realize the truth. The origin of suffering is attachment to desire, and in this case it is my desire to hold on to people or friendships that are no longer what they once were. If I can somehow wave goodbye to my desires; then is no longer any attachment to them... and I should be able to keep my emotions under control and begin to heal. For instance, if I was carrying around a clock just because I felt I needed it all the time, I would be attached to the clock even when it wasn't necessary in my life. It might be heavy, it might be wearing me out to have this clock in my possession. In this situation, I need to lay down the clock gently. It is only really necessary for me to use the clock when it is necessary and a productive tool in my life. However, when it doesn't fit into my life, I can set it down without damage. This is kind of a weird example, I suppose, but overall it makes sense. When friendships fit into my life, I will access those connections while they last. When those connections cease to exist, maybe it is because those connections are no longer necessary for my life... It is an interesting concept to contemplate.
I will set aside the attachment I feel regarding this friendship. I wish the friendship was still in my life, but I realize the truth is that it simply is not present anymore. It's time for me to move forward on my journey; my once friend is now but a stranger on this curvy, crazy road of my life... I will always think fondly of our memories and time together as I continue onward.
I am thankful for every memory, every comfort, every time we have spent together. You have my eternal regards, my friends.
*Disclaimer* I know the first thing many people might ask after reading this part of my entry, "What about your husband? Isn't he the only best friend you need? Is your marriage in trouble?" My husband is truly my best friend and there is nothing wrong with my marriage. I'm not codependent though; I'm not joined at the hip. Although I do enjoy spending time with him on a rather regular basis, I find it equally refreshing to get out of the house by myself and interact with others. It actually strengthens my marriage, I think. This behavior may also be a learned or inherited trait. I just talked to my mother last night and she mentioned after spending a week with my father on a vacation in Alaska, she needed a break from being around him all the time when she arrived home. There's nothing wrong with my parents' relationship... they have almost been married 50 years. So like mother, like daughter... I theorize .