Parallax...
I know it seems like I come and go on here... but to be honest, I'm never really gone. I'm always here reading, or due to the vacancy of my friends page, I sometimes go back and reread what I've written past years. When I write I just have so much to say, it takes awhile to sort it out to make an actual entry. I had an entry I started two months ago, but I got caught up in so much since then... it doesn't really even make sense to post it now. So much is changing, like always, and before this happens again because my summer is completely booked, I'm taking today to catch up here.
Ok... where to begin? I concluded my current job three weeks ago. A sequence of events unraveled seamlessly throughout a short amount of time. In traditional circumstances, the spring season is the preliminary hiring season for teachers so... I was pretty busy. I not only had to keep my coursework current, which was a struggle for me, but also manage the workload of my current job. Despite it all I did it; I can't wait to reap the benefits of having a closer job once more.
I interviewed many places, had a couple different offers, but despite everything I felt I meshed best with the team that interviewed me for a public school position in a nearby county. Despite the chaos I endured to arrive there, including forgetting my cell phone, locking myself out of the house and as a result accosting a random person to sign into their smart phone to get the address of my interview destination... once I arrived, it was the best interview ever. The team asked for a sample lesson I created for plot, setting, character, theme, of which I showed my favorite one I designed around the, "Once Upon a Time..." story-telling card game, which is really one of the best games ever. The person interviewing me told me she loves that game too and also uses it with her students. Further into the interview, she asked me about my favorite authors, as it is a position to teach English Language Arts... and we love the same authors. At this point, I guess I really sparked their interest because the English Language Arts chair started reading my WHOLE portfolio. When she encountered my graduate thesis especially, she read it and told me she thought it was a brilliant idea that might actually work well with the current student population. Lastly, I was sure to end the interview with a few questions including, "What extracurricular activities are available to the students at this school?" The interviewer mentioned many activities including a Shakespeare Acting Group. I expressed my interest, elaborated on my SCA experience, and also mentioned Commedia dell'Arte, and the interviewers begged me (I am not exaggerating), to start a Commedia dell'Arte group and assist with the Shakespeare group. I'd become the theater guru of the school. It was then that I knew, if I got this job, I would finally find a place where I could belong.
The next day the Human Resource director offered me the job... so since then, I've been pretty much taking care of the necessary details to start this job in the fall. I never really thought I'd make it back into the public school system, since I hear it is impossible because the benefits here make it rather competitive, but I seemed to have done it rather seamlessly. The only negative I can foresee about this arrangement is that I may have to completely switch my dissertation focus, since I'm no longer working with students on the Autism spectrum, and it makes logical sense to have an experimental study that can be implemented in the same location for the sake of time... however so early in my dissertation development this should not be a problem... I just really have to focus on working hard once I start this job to find a different dissertation focus.
New, exciting beginnings often mean saying farewell to the life left behind... The educational director at my place of employment was very sad to see me leave. At the end of the year the educational director gave "Wishes & Memories" achievement awards. My award was really touching; I've never gotten anything like this before. It said the following:
"Role call... shaboom." My memory is the first time I saw you conduct "Role Call" with the children in your class. The creativity involved in this activity, not to mention the many others, really helped your classroom gel as a group. My wish is for you to continue introducing such innovative and creative activities to increase student participation and promote a more global classroom environment."
It was really nice to be recognized despite the challenging year. For a while the supervisor I liked was on a hiatus trying to help recover a nearby school from the shambles of poor leadership. Then the assistant supervisor we had, who really did a poor job running our school while the other educational director was on a hiatus found another job and quit. However he did such a poor job running our school while our main supervisor was gone, the main supervisor is busy fixing the mess he left behind... and things were just falling apart.
I managed my classroom environment, but unfortunately I am not the one who is the direct supervisor for the classroom staff. I had one TSS from a different agency with a severe new student of mine that engaged in frequent and dangerous self-injurious behavior. She though it was okay to let him bang his head on the wall until his nose started to bleed. I stopped my instruction with another student to yell across the classroom, "Please, someone... block him!" I also had a staff member within the school that was rude, lazy, and despite reminders, prompts, verbal warnings... did exactly the opposite that she was told to do. Her student had a walking goal and she didn't want her to walk because "it's too much work & she will throw a tantrum." She was told not to pick up her student because her student is 250 pounds, and once she tried to pick her student off the floor. Surprise, surprise... the worker hurt herself. Other students in the classroom were working on goals and with complete knowledge of doing so; she sabotaged their progress too. I constantly felt like I couldn't be managing the academic demands of the class and also baby-sit everyone else to make sure kids weren't hurting themselves.
When I presented all of these points to management, especially the insubordination, which I think a real job would reprimand or fire someone over... she still remained in my room. I talked with my supervisor who told me to talk to her supervisor again... and her supervisor told me that she was told by the clinical director NOT to move her to a different assignment. So the last month I roasted in the inferno... at times I never thought it would end. At times it was falling apart, but having an end in sight made it bearable.
Through a haphazard sequence of disorganized HR events with my new job, my former employer discovered I was leaving before I really got to tell them myself. :-/ So we set up an exit interview for the last day of school. I felt awkward because he never came to me, so I helped a friend get her class ready for summer school. So I finally went to his office after lunch and asked him when he was planning to do it, and he said, "Whenever." Great. I got really nervous because to me it just didn't seem right... I shouldn't have to beg my supervisor to give me my evaluation. It's normally not what I'd call... a great sign.
However when I entered the room, the educational director told me he was very sad to see me leave. He told me that he always knew that I was battling some really difficult situations in my classroom, but despite everything he truly believed I always did the very best that I could. I took a classroom with students who literally did not do anything for three previous years and through my creativity I helped them learn and become a class again. He could tell that I always put the educational well being of the children first. He truly felt that I was a phenomenal teacher and if I ever needed a job again he would always invite me back with open arms. For a little bit he was trying to beg me to stay, or see if I still lived close enough to transfer to another southern location in York... but I'm really still too far away. At the conclusion of my formal evaluation, I had an exit interview, which I really appreciated and gave some ideas I've collected throughout the past months. Finally, he told me, "I really wish I had more time to pick your brain. You have such amazing ideas in your mind, I wish we had more time to talk." It was really sweet. Finally he said, "Thank you so much for everything you have done here." My response was reciprocal, and I mentioned that I have really learned so much and I'm honored this place of employment gave me the opportunity to make an impact in the lives of so many great children. His final words were, "You have. You have really made an incredible difference here. We will always remember and embrace so many of your ideas. You have shown us success in many things we never thought could be done. I won't forget you and will try to always give credit to your ideas. You are amazing, Amanda. You are amazing, girl. You have an incredible future ahead of you."
It was a very touching moment for me... I'm not really use to appreciation for completing a job with my wholehearted effort and ability. I'll really miss this educational director. I'm really thankful to have finally had a supervisor who cared, listened to my ideas, and supported my non-conventional innovations. I felt he was a really great leader. We had some really amazing dialogue in an interview I had to conduct for my educational leadership class, and I got to see many facets of his personality and passion for education. It's hard when you move on... sometimes you really wish you could take certain people with you for the next journey but sadly... it's not meant to be.
I also said good-bye to my roommates. It was finally time for me to leave the house of endless stories... the landlady took my departure pretty hard. She couldn't even come up to say good-bye. I was told I always had a place to stay when I visit the capitol again for class, which I'm very thankful for. I'm going to be dragging myself through this torture for a couple more years... any way I can make my travels a little easier, I'm thankful to have a place to crash instead of scrambling for a two hour drive to sit through 7 hours of class.
Personally?
So now that I've been back here, I'm starting to get use to the area. It's definitely a population shock because I've never lived around so many people before... however there are a lot of things I like about this region. I'm not far from the ocean, there are always cool things to explore and do when I drive into the city... however I'm far enough outside of Baltimore & D.C. that I don't constantly live within the craziness of the city. I'm discovering in many ways it's the best of both worlds. I don't know how long I'll stay here, however I'm surprisingly starting to think it may be the best place I've lived thus far... I'm surprised to admit it's pretty cool out here. Also, my husband got a major promotion so we are finally living rather comfortably. Everything is going soooo well. I seem to really mesh in well with groups I'm interested in; I've already become rather involved and active in a commedia group and dance groups in the SCA out here.
For a while I was really begging for a way, a reason, any opportunity to move back to Western PA. However when I think of everything I've left behind, I realize I haven't abandoned as many things as I've always thought tethered my heart there.
I visited my hometown this past weekend and I thought... aside from my parents, I can't think of many people who would even want to hang out with me. I can't even think of anyone who would even make the trek out here to visit me where I live now... This revelation has been weighing on my mind. It's like when you are in a relationship you thought was perfect... then you start to start into the harsh reality. I honestly don't know where I stand with many people from my childhood past.
One of my friends from high school called me on my birthday and I emotionally lost it. I hadn't heard from them in over six months, and I thought... why? Why are you doing this to me? I don't want to be remembered one day of the year and forgotten as the other 364 days pass by. I mean, I don't expect weekly or even monthly correspondence... but please... If you aren't going to make the effort to lend an ear when I ask for it, lend me encouragement when I seek it, invite me to partake in your life occasionally (despite my distance, I will, and believe friends should, make time to travel)... or lend me compassion when I need it the most, please spare me the pain... just forget about me. I attended war practice and I greeted many friends, but I felt strangely uneasy. I felt snubbed, or like my rather simple initiation of conversation was unwelcome and definitely unreciprocated on multiple occasions with multiple people. In the evening, a couple friends invited me to attend a nighttime function and forgot to drop by to let me know they were leaving to attend the event. My relationships with people feel so directionless. One moment I feel so close to someone, the next I feel so isolated... I don't know what changed or where things went wrong... there is no warning sign and no consistency. I don't know what to do. I am capable of communicating but I constantly feel like somehow I always miss the mark with what I thought we had in regard to our friendship and the actual reality of the situation. I'm also scared to express my disillusion because try to pinpoint it, most people just give up. There is no compassion, no concern, and no effort to try to rectify the situation. Seriously, I do not feel valuable. I see efforts being made with other people, yet I'm just never worth it. I'm done feeling this way. It is much easier just to move on and replace friends instead of investing the work to keep the ones you have. I miss a time in my life that no longer exists and I just need to quit chasing ghosts. I need to realize each moment is temporal. It is time to accept the reality and create a new place in the present where I belong, meet new people, and will have awesome new adventures. There are opportunitis here, it's already begun. I'm embracing this mentality the rest of the way as I traverse into the future...
I know it's a vague concern about friends, but I think the simple acknowledgement and finally having time to encounter these thoughts, really will help me get past my emotions. I'm on a few websites to meet friends and I'm hoping my SCA involvement will also keep me busy. One of my sca ex-boyfriends lives here and he has invited me to some local outings with a group of his friends and his birthday party. It was a lot of fun and I seemed even to get along with his friends. I think we are still getting past the awkward "where do we pick things up" phase... where you know each other, have fond memories, but realize you pretty much need to rebuild the friendship. We left the relationship on pretty amicable terms so it seems like a feasible path. To be honest I'm willing to give it a try but from years of experience I won't be disappointed if it doesn't work out.
Otherwise, I've been working out a lot in my basement because I am addicted to Zumba live. I've also been trying out the juicing craze, and it's surprisingly really awesome. I feel amazing after I juice some mean green juice or other medleys. Since my surgery over a year ago, I've really been looking for some natural ways to boost my health and this seems to really be working. I've been working on so many things, teaching two really awesome classes with some friends at Pennsic... this is going to be an awesome year. I'm currently cringing to think about how I'm going to complete everything in less than two weeks, but like always I will get it done and sleep later, lol.
Otherwise, I'm pretty sure this entry is going to be my only post until after Pennsic. I'm in really demanding summer classes for my doctorate program and I'm trying to keep ahead of the coursework especially with Pennsic coming up. I'm also leaving for a cruise to Key West, Jamaica, and The Cayman Islands in 12 days. A couple of Derek's friends wanted to go as a group, so we embraced the invitation. We've been caught up in school and fiances and never really had a honeymoon. Now that we have the time and funds we have decided to take a cruise to celebrate our sixth anniversary. I don't really talk much about our relationship on here because it's so great, and I don't feel one relationship defines my entire existence so I have a tendency to write about other things. However, it has really been six amazing years, my relationship with my husband is better than I could have ever imagined. I seriously love him so much. It will be a very jovial celebration this year. Then I will be at Pennsic for both weeks, the first week without my husband. The first week may be a little sporadic because I have a dress to finish, so I might just spend half a week workiing on it before the second week kicks off.
So have a great few weeks, lj-void! Touch base with me if you would like a postcard from Jamaica, otherwise I'll touch base again in a few weeks! Ciao everyone!
Ok... where to begin? I concluded my current job three weeks ago. A sequence of events unraveled seamlessly throughout a short amount of time. In traditional circumstances, the spring season is the preliminary hiring season for teachers so... I was pretty busy. I not only had to keep my coursework current, which was a struggle for me, but also manage the workload of my current job. Despite it all I did it; I can't wait to reap the benefits of having a closer job once more.
I interviewed many places, had a couple different offers, but despite everything I felt I meshed best with the team that interviewed me for a public school position in a nearby county. Despite the chaos I endured to arrive there, including forgetting my cell phone, locking myself out of the house and as a result accosting a random person to sign into their smart phone to get the address of my interview destination... once I arrived, it was the best interview ever. The team asked for a sample lesson I created for plot, setting, character, theme, of which I showed my favorite one I designed around the, "Once Upon a Time..." story-telling card game, which is really one of the best games ever. The person interviewing me told me she loves that game too and also uses it with her students. Further into the interview, she asked me about my favorite authors, as it is a position to teach English Language Arts... and we love the same authors. At this point, I guess I really sparked their interest because the English Language Arts chair started reading my WHOLE portfolio. When she encountered my graduate thesis especially, she read it and told me she thought it was a brilliant idea that might actually work well with the current student population. Lastly, I was sure to end the interview with a few questions including, "What extracurricular activities are available to the students at this school?" The interviewer mentioned many activities including a Shakespeare Acting Group. I expressed my interest, elaborated on my SCA experience, and also mentioned Commedia dell'Arte, and the interviewers begged me (I am not exaggerating), to start a Commedia dell'Arte group and assist with the Shakespeare group. I'd become the theater guru of the school. It was then that I knew, if I got this job, I would finally find a place where I could belong.
The next day the Human Resource director offered me the job... so since then, I've been pretty much taking care of the necessary details to start this job in the fall. I never really thought I'd make it back into the public school system, since I hear it is impossible because the benefits here make it rather competitive, but I seemed to have done it rather seamlessly. The only negative I can foresee about this arrangement is that I may have to completely switch my dissertation focus, since I'm no longer working with students on the Autism spectrum, and it makes logical sense to have an experimental study that can be implemented in the same location for the sake of time... however so early in my dissertation development this should not be a problem... I just really have to focus on working hard once I start this job to find a different dissertation focus.
New, exciting beginnings often mean saying farewell to the life left behind... The educational director at my place of employment was very sad to see me leave. At the end of the year the educational director gave "Wishes & Memories" achievement awards. My award was really touching; I've never gotten anything like this before. It said the following:
"Role call... shaboom." My memory is the first time I saw you conduct "Role Call" with the children in your class. The creativity involved in this activity, not to mention the many others, really helped your classroom gel as a group. My wish is for you to continue introducing such innovative and creative activities to increase student participation and promote a more global classroom environment."
It was really nice to be recognized despite the challenging year. For a while the supervisor I liked was on a hiatus trying to help recover a nearby school from the shambles of poor leadership. Then the assistant supervisor we had, who really did a poor job running our school while the other educational director was on a hiatus found another job and quit. However he did such a poor job running our school while our main supervisor was gone, the main supervisor is busy fixing the mess he left behind... and things were just falling apart.
I managed my classroom environment, but unfortunately I am not the one who is the direct supervisor for the classroom staff. I had one TSS from a different agency with a severe new student of mine that engaged in frequent and dangerous self-injurious behavior. She though it was okay to let him bang his head on the wall until his nose started to bleed. I stopped my instruction with another student to yell across the classroom, "Please, someone... block him!" I also had a staff member within the school that was rude, lazy, and despite reminders, prompts, verbal warnings... did exactly the opposite that she was told to do. Her student had a walking goal and she didn't want her to walk because "it's too much work & she will throw a tantrum." She was told not to pick up her student because her student is 250 pounds, and once she tried to pick her student off the floor. Surprise, surprise... the worker hurt herself. Other students in the classroom were working on goals and with complete knowledge of doing so; she sabotaged their progress too. I constantly felt like I couldn't be managing the academic demands of the class and also baby-sit everyone else to make sure kids weren't hurting themselves.
When I presented all of these points to management, especially the insubordination, which I think a real job would reprimand or fire someone over... she still remained in my room. I talked with my supervisor who told me to talk to her supervisor again... and her supervisor told me that she was told by the clinical director NOT to move her to a different assignment. So the last month I roasted in the inferno... at times I never thought it would end. At times it was falling apart, but having an end in sight made it bearable.
Through a haphazard sequence of disorganized HR events with my new job, my former employer discovered I was leaving before I really got to tell them myself. :-/ So we set up an exit interview for the last day of school. I felt awkward because he never came to me, so I helped a friend get her class ready for summer school. So I finally went to his office after lunch and asked him when he was planning to do it, and he said, "Whenever." Great. I got really nervous because to me it just didn't seem right... I shouldn't have to beg my supervisor to give me my evaluation. It's normally not what I'd call... a great sign.
However when I entered the room, the educational director told me he was very sad to see me leave. He told me that he always knew that I was battling some really difficult situations in my classroom, but despite everything he truly believed I always did the very best that I could. I took a classroom with students who literally did not do anything for three previous years and through my creativity I helped them learn and become a class again. He could tell that I always put the educational well being of the children first. He truly felt that I was a phenomenal teacher and if I ever needed a job again he would always invite me back with open arms. For a little bit he was trying to beg me to stay, or see if I still lived close enough to transfer to another southern location in York... but I'm really still too far away. At the conclusion of my formal evaluation, I had an exit interview, which I really appreciated and gave some ideas I've collected throughout the past months. Finally, he told me, "I really wish I had more time to pick your brain. You have such amazing ideas in your mind, I wish we had more time to talk." It was really sweet. Finally he said, "Thank you so much for everything you have done here." My response was reciprocal, and I mentioned that I have really learned so much and I'm honored this place of employment gave me the opportunity to make an impact in the lives of so many great children. His final words were, "You have. You have really made an incredible difference here. We will always remember and embrace so many of your ideas. You have shown us success in many things we never thought could be done. I won't forget you and will try to always give credit to your ideas. You are amazing, Amanda. You are amazing, girl. You have an incredible future ahead of you."
It was a very touching moment for me... I'm not really use to appreciation for completing a job with my wholehearted effort and ability. I'll really miss this educational director. I'm really thankful to have finally had a supervisor who cared, listened to my ideas, and supported my non-conventional innovations. I felt he was a really great leader. We had some really amazing dialogue in an interview I had to conduct for my educational leadership class, and I got to see many facets of his personality and passion for education. It's hard when you move on... sometimes you really wish you could take certain people with you for the next journey but sadly... it's not meant to be.
I also said good-bye to my roommates. It was finally time for me to leave the house of endless stories... the landlady took my departure pretty hard. She couldn't even come up to say good-bye. I was told I always had a place to stay when I visit the capitol again for class, which I'm very thankful for. I'm going to be dragging myself through this torture for a couple more years... any way I can make my travels a little easier, I'm thankful to have a place to crash instead of scrambling for a two hour drive to sit through 7 hours of class.
Personally?
So now that I've been back here, I'm starting to get use to the area. It's definitely a population shock because I've never lived around so many people before... however there are a lot of things I like about this region. I'm not far from the ocean, there are always cool things to explore and do when I drive into the city... however I'm far enough outside of Baltimore & D.C. that I don't constantly live within the craziness of the city. I'm discovering in many ways it's the best of both worlds. I don't know how long I'll stay here, however I'm surprisingly starting to think it may be the best place I've lived thus far... I'm surprised to admit it's pretty cool out here. Also, my husband got a major promotion so we are finally living rather comfortably. Everything is going soooo well. I seem to really mesh in well with groups I'm interested in; I've already become rather involved and active in a commedia group and dance groups in the SCA out here.
For a while I was really begging for a way, a reason, any opportunity to move back to Western PA. However when I think of everything I've left behind, I realize I haven't abandoned as many things as I've always thought tethered my heart there.
I visited my hometown this past weekend and I thought... aside from my parents, I can't think of many people who would even want to hang out with me. I can't even think of anyone who would even make the trek out here to visit me where I live now... This revelation has been weighing on my mind. It's like when you are in a relationship you thought was perfect... then you start to start into the harsh reality. I honestly don't know where I stand with many people from my childhood past.
One of my friends from high school called me on my birthday and I emotionally lost it. I hadn't heard from them in over six months, and I thought... why? Why are you doing this to me? I don't want to be remembered one day of the year and forgotten as the other 364 days pass by. I mean, I don't expect weekly or even monthly correspondence... but please... If you aren't going to make the effort to lend an ear when I ask for it, lend me encouragement when I seek it, invite me to partake in your life occasionally (despite my distance, I will, and believe friends should, make time to travel)... or lend me compassion when I need it the most, please spare me the pain... just forget about me. I attended war practice and I greeted many friends, but I felt strangely uneasy. I felt snubbed, or like my rather simple initiation of conversation was unwelcome and definitely unreciprocated on multiple occasions with multiple people. In the evening, a couple friends invited me to attend a nighttime function and forgot to drop by to let me know they were leaving to attend the event. My relationships with people feel so directionless. One moment I feel so close to someone, the next I feel so isolated... I don't know what changed or where things went wrong... there is no warning sign and no consistency. I don't know what to do. I am capable of communicating but I constantly feel like somehow I always miss the mark with what I thought we had in regard to our friendship and the actual reality of the situation. I'm also scared to express my disillusion because try to pinpoint it, most people just give up. There is no compassion, no concern, and no effort to try to rectify the situation. Seriously, I do not feel valuable. I see efforts being made with other people, yet I'm just never worth it. I'm done feeling this way. It is much easier just to move on and replace friends instead of investing the work to keep the ones you have. I miss a time in my life that no longer exists and I just need to quit chasing ghosts. I need to realize each moment is temporal. It is time to accept the reality and create a new place in the present where I belong, meet new people, and will have awesome new adventures. There are opportunitis here, it's already begun. I'm embracing this mentality the rest of the way as I traverse into the future...
I know it's a vague concern about friends, but I think the simple acknowledgement and finally having time to encounter these thoughts, really will help me get past my emotions. I'm on a few websites to meet friends and I'm hoping my SCA involvement will also keep me busy. One of my sca ex-boyfriends lives here and he has invited me to some local outings with a group of his friends and his birthday party. It was a lot of fun and I seemed even to get along with his friends. I think we are still getting past the awkward "where do we pick things up" phase... where you know each other, have fond memories, but realize you pretty much need to rebuild the friendship. We left the relationship on pretty amicable terms so it seems like a feasible path. To be honest I'm willing to give it a try but from years of experience I won't be disappointed if it doesn't work out.
Otherwise, I've been working out a lot in my basement because I am addicted to Zumba live. I've also been trying out the juicing craze, and it's surprisingly really awesome. I feel amazing after I juice some mean green juice or other medleys. Since my surgery over a year ago, I've really been looking for some natural ways to boost my health and this seems to really be working. I've been working on so many things, teaching two really awesome classes with some friends at Pennsic... this is going to be an awesome year. I'm currently cringing to think about how I'm going to complete everything in less than two weeks, but like always I will get it done and sleep later, lol.
Otherwise, I'm pretty sure this entry is going to be my only post until after Pennsic. I'm in really demanding summer classes for my doctorate program and I'm trying to keep ahead of the coursework especially with Pennsic coming up. I'm also leaving for a cruise to Key West, Jamaica, and The Cayman Islands in 12 days. A couple of Derek's friends wanted to go as a group, so we embraced the invitation. We've been caught up in school and fiances and never really had a honeymoon. Now that we have the time and funds we have decided to take a cruise to celebrate our sixth anniversary. I don't really talk much about our relationship on here because it's so great, and I don't feel one relationship defines my entire existence so I have a tendency to write about other things. However, it has really been six amazing years, my relationship with my husband is better than I could have ever imagined. I seriously love him so much. It will be a very jovial celebration this year. Then I will be at Pennsic for both weeks, the first week without my husband. The first week may be a little sporadic because I have a dress to finish, so I might just spend half a week workiing on it before the second week kicks off.
So have a great few weeks, lj-void! Touch base with me if you would like a postcard from Jamaica, otherwise I'll touch base again in a few weeks! Ciao everyone!