i stumble into town...
actually, i don't. i was going to, but i didn't. i was going to go apply for a job. i'm nervous as hell. i keep putting it off for one dumb reason or another. i don't know what i'm so afraid of. i guess partly cause i never had a job before and partly cause i'm afraid they'll hate me cause i'm queer. and i really want my hair cut but i can't afford it. i've been in a sort of rotten mood cause i really wanted to get the application in but then i didn't. i failed myself. i feel sad. the kitchen is a mess because i haven't cleaned it in days. and i feel bad cause bub is finally in a good mood and i'm tromping all over it with my moping. i really don't want to do that. i don't know what TO do though. half of the reason i didn't do anything this morning was because i was very tired. then i decided to just go back to sleep but i couldn't. i don't want to be like this. well, i did SOME stuff. i did my stretches and took a shower and shaved and all that stuff but i didn't do what i MEANT to do. i feel all flop. and "Will and Grace" isn't on tonight *sad face* "modern love" is kind of making me feel better. i hope this goes away by the time bub gets home. i feel kind of sad and flop. i'm glad we have food now. eating better was a big goal of mine and it seems to be going pretty well. today i ate special K protein cereal with enriched organic rice milk and drank diet v8 berry juice stuff. that sounds horrible but it's actually really good. and i ate half an apple with peanut butter for the protein. i'm gonna try to eat bananas again. i have an aversion to bananas that borders on a phobia. i haven't had one in over ten years and i don't even eat banana flavoured stuff. i'm actually doing a lot of the stuff i mean to. it's when i don't do stuff that i'm afraid to do that i feel like a failure. i don't want to end up stuck and a victim of my fear. i want to win. that's why i'm going on monday. i'll get up and do my stuff and leave before i can get distracted or tell myself that i can't do it. i guess i'll go find an activity. maybe i'll clean the bathroom. it looks like it's been needing it.