To relieve some pressure...
Monday is my 20th birthday. I will no longer be a teenager. It's a weird feeling. Does this mean I need to do adult things now?
I'm still going to church and helping out with the Sunday school. Working with the preschool kids is like a dream come true, and I've made a few friends from the experience.
Babies still depress me. The fact that my older sister is expecting baby number three pretty much slaughters me on the inside. If I hadn't miscarried (the first time), I would be at eight months now. So... when I look down at my flat, empty abdomen it just drains me emotionally. I look in the mirror and try to imagine what I'd look like with a big, round belly and that first one still in there.
Even if I got pregnant and went full-term, it wouldn't bring back the ones I lost. That's what the emptiness is from. The worst thing is, I'll never know why it didn't work out. Maybe my hormone levels were too low. Maybe I wasn't healthy enough. It drives me nuts when people say "It just wasn't your time". How is that supposed to console me?
I want to get on the right path because I've got to get to heaven, so I can see them. When I imagine hell, it's not the eternal pain and suffering that gets to me, it's picturing never knowing what my kids look like.
I'm just venting on here because I haven't been able to verbalize my thoughts for a while.