(no subject)
I never considered that I had anxiety. All my life everyone convinced me that I was "shy," and that was my excuse for not talking in public or clamming up when people spoke to me. But here's the clincher: I never felt shy. I always wanted to talk and be part of a group, but my profuse sweating and nervous stomach got the better of me. When I got older, it was accompanied with feelings of worthlessness ("There's no way these people like me," etc.) and avoidance of social atmospheres. I preferred to do things alone, on my own agenda, because it was easier than trying to form a social gathering.
Lately I've been feeling increasingly anxious; I'm unable to eat when I'm going somewhere new or in a large group, or I feel lightheaded because I forget to breathe. (Just writing about that makes me feel a little queasy.) But I feel this way because I want to change it. I've been going out more and talking to more people. I've been doing new things. But that feeling of worthlessness continues to creep up on me; I feel stupid for doing things I enjoy because I feel like a fraud. I'm not social. I'm not outgoing. And I hate it. I hate it so much.
I'm constantly analyzing social situations: Do I fit in here? Am I contributing enough? Do they like me? And the answer in my head is always no, and I try to find a way to get out. But in the back of my head, I know they're not analyzing me. They probably don't think I'm a loser. But I can't change. I've tried time and time again to change my perspective, but I always conclude that "everyone here is more important than I am." Or, better yet, "I could leave and it wouldn't make a difference." And it doesn't make a difference, because I was too "shy" to contribute to the conversation.
I've been urged to "just talk to people" or "go with some friends" but these things aren't fun. It's draining. I went to dinner last night with some friends and I couldn't finish my meal, but when I returned to my hotel room--alone--I was starving. I don't know how to change this. I want to meet people and I want to be involved, but another part of my brain thinks otherwise.