thoughts at 2 AM
❝this afternoon tonya was asking me why she doesn't have anyone to cuddle or to kiss or to hug. and at that moment, i was in my ultra-feminist mode. the we-don't-men-to-be-happy! mode. because that is how i am by default. i choose the single life because 1) the men around me are stupid and shallow 2) i haven't met anybody i would genuinely like to love--you know, within my proximity. so to a point, i'm really not interested in relationships right now. but because it is that time of the month for me, my hormones are all over the place and suddenly, while i was watching Enchanted followed by a Filipino movie about romance and shit (because basically half the of the Filipino movies are just about that) i was thinking the exact same thing.
what is wrong with me?
why can't anybody love me?
and ugh. just depression. sad, mopey feelings about my imperfections. i think i'm a pretty okay person--i mean, i can think, i can talk and sure, i'm tons awkward but i can get over that when i actually like the person. so what is it that i'm lacking? looks? boobs? a weight under 120? it's exceedingly frustrating to think about my imperfections because these are the things that i can't do anything to remedy. and every time i read fiction, or watch movies, or read manga, i always think, i can do so much better than these girls--i won't make their mistakes. i am so ready to have someone i can shower my affection and my love on, but there's nobody there to receive it.
tonieboo0013 i need somebody to love too :(
❝it bothers me, the amount of RL people in my twitter. for starters, i am two different people. there is laura in real life, and then there's laura here. in real life, i am perceived to be the good girl. i have no idea why people presume this. it's probably the vibe i give off, but if they think this, that means they don't know anything about me. along with the good girl persona is someone who follows the rules, is reserved, doesn't curse etc etc. these are the labels they have unknowingly given me. they don't need to tell me this, i can tell by myself anyway. part of it is my fault, maybe. because when i just meet people, i am exactly that. reserved, obedient and whatever else but that is me on the surface.
anyway, there's me here. i'm not entirely sure where "here" pertains to. it may be in livejournal, or in twitter or in the company of close friends. i am loud and brash, i curse like no tomorrow (i am so serious about this--i have a really potty mouth), i am in no way elegant nor girly, i like to rebel, i think i am slightly insane and i am a HUGE bitch. this is me. the way you guys see me jumping up and down over some johnny, or the way i put down someone i hate, this is how i really am. so when the people in real life see my twitter, they are shocked. and i don't want to explain this to them. i don't think i need to explain this to them. some of them are my friends, true. but i like to keep the border clean and clear. real life friends, stay in one side. online friends stay in the other. because things are so much easier that way.
but now the border is crossed and i just seriously. SERIOUSLY. just want to unfollow them all. twitter is my home. it's where i can say anything i want, without fear of being judged or mocked or analyzed for it. it's always been my home. i've been in that place for four (three? idk) years now. it's a huge part of me; i never go online without checking twitter. so when the twitter-verse expanded to my country, i cannot express my annoyance. everyone was jumping the bandwagon.
i don't really know what i want to happen with this. some of the people there only follow me to up their follower count (which i think is extremely stupid and extremely hateful ugh), and while i do genuinely like all of them, i don't really care about their tweets. was that bitchy? because i am just pouring all my frustrations right now. god.
really helpful suggestions are very welcome. for you gals who like to keep fandom and rl issues separate, how do you do it?
❝i have watched the movie twice, i am stalking the third avengerkink meme, i am reading the fanfiction, i am watching the interviews, i totally read the iron man/captain america ship manifesto--and i am not contented. i just want to make grabby hands at everything. and then there's that point where i am actually torn between two ships. well, with my history of serial shipping (i made that up) it's bound to happen lol.
statr and i once talked about how Tony Stark/Pepper Potts was our ship--well in the movie anyway. and it's true. i love them. i find rdj and gwyneth to have so much amazing chemistry and i loved how they weren't overwhelming, but their relationship is solid during the films asjdks ever since the first movie, their relationship was slowly being built up, and i was really frustrated by the second one--like why aren't they married yet ugh. but i can wait. the flirty exchanges will keep me alive. i can honestly go on and on about them. but i won't.
and then there's Tony Stark/Steve Rogers. unf. omg. i think silentchord and i were conversing about iron man once upon a time. and then the conversation was suddenly steered to captain america and iron man. so i was all, ooh what is it with them? so the awesome alice linked me to an actual real list of all the ship's canon moments in the comic books. and oh my god you guys. i have never seen any slash ship that wasn't this canon (well you know, in a non-gay setting). and then there was the movie. OH MY GOD THE MOVIE. i die a little inside every time the two of them bicker or fight or argue or insult or team up--just. being in a frame together sends my ovaries to a happy, happy place.
so now i have rdj/gwyneth interviews from the iron man 1 era open, and on the other side, a motherload of steve/tony fiction on the other. i think i'll keep both ships, for now /greedy ♡
❝
i just finished watching the EIGHT x EIGHTER concert--officially. the third disc was too large for my internet to handle, and it took me quite some time to finish downloading the DVD. but anyway, there it is. i always get these warm and fuzzy feelings when it comes to kanjani 8. i mean, not like it's limited to them only, but they have that certain camaraderie that gets across even when they're inflicting physical pain on each other. and also. i have just thought about something. has ohkura's voice always been this melodic? lol. i was listening to him talk and i'm going "oh god talk forever i will listen to you" sdkjbasd
i honestly don't know what is up with me and my weird fangirl crush on tacchon right now. it's not like he's whoring himself to me or anything. i just... am. i love that boy so much. also i have hurt feelings that the only interaction my otp had on the dvd was this three second laugh exchange where ryo mutters something and tacchon smiles so widely and ryo grins and laura is dead.
in summary: kansai-ben is sexy you guys.
also, been going through their 10000 word interviews slowly. done with ohkura's, maru's and subaru's. reading each one just makes me fall in love with them all over again.
❝
not saying i hate it. not saying i'm all over it either (but then again, it's arashi. i only need to listen to it a few more times and i will love the song). the whole cool image isn't really my favorite of theirs. i'm more in love with the dorky group who dances on rainbows. but anyway, the song is good. reminds me of korean pop, with the whole autotune the chorus thing--which, is generally okay but i'm not a big fan of. i do like their faces, so i guess it's forgivable.
also. jun's new hair is cute ♡
--
god i think i have met my word count quota for the entire month. i don't know what is it with 2 AM but my mind is going nonstop right now. i have so much more to say, but i don't think people will actually read this thing entirely so i'll just keep them to myself lol. if you do read this entirely, it means you are awesome. and that you probably love me. in which case i love you back ♡
lastly, i love my tags.
and super lastly, will be doing a major defriending thing both here and probably in twitter. if we don't talk or something, i'll probably cut you. if you want to stay friends, leave me a comment :)
what is wrong with me?
why can't anybody love me?
and ugh. just depression. sad, mopey feelings about my imperfections. i think i'm a pretty okay person--i mean, i can think, i can talk and sure, i'm tons awkward but i can get over that when i actually like the person. so what is it that i'm lacking? looks? boobs? a weight under 120? it's exceedingly frustrating to think about my imperfections because these are the things that i can't do anything to remedy. and every time i read fiction, or watch movies, or read manga, i always think, i can do so much better than these girls--i won't make their mistakes. i am so ready to have someone i can shower my affection and my love on, but there's nobody there to receive it.
tonieboo0013 i need somebody to love too :(
❝it bothers me, the amount of RL people in my twitter. for starters, i am two different people. there is laura in real life, and then there's laura here. in real life, i am perceived to be the good girl. i have no idea why people presume this. it's probably the vibe i give off, but if they think this, that means they don't know anything about me. along with the good girl persona is someone who follows the rules, is reserved, doesn't curse etc etc. these are the labels they have unknowingly given me. they don't need to tell me this, i can tell by myself anyway. part of it is my fault, maybe. because when i just meet people, i am exactly that. reserved, obedient and whatever else but that is me on the surface.
anyway, there's me here. i'm not entirely sure where "here" pertains to. it may be in livejournal, or in twitter or in the company of close friends. i am loud and brash, i curse like no tomorrow (i am so serious about this--i have a really potty mouth), i am in no way elegant nor girly, i like to rebel, i think i am slightly insane and i am a HUGE bitch. this is me. the way you guys see me jumping up and down over some johnny, or the way i put down someone i hate, this is how i really am. so when the people in real life see my twitter, they are shocked. and i don't want to explain this to them. i don't think i need to explain this to them. some of them are my friends, true. but i like to keep the border clean and clear. real life friends, stay in one side. online friends stay in the other. because things are so much easier that way.
but now the border is crossed and i just seriously. SERIOUSLY. just want to unfollow them all. twitter is my home. it's where i can say anything i want, without fear of being judged or mocked or analyzed for it. it's always been my home. i've been in that place for four (three? idk) years now. it's a huge part of me; i never go online without checking twitter. so when the twitter-verse expanded to my country, i cannot express my annoyance. everyone was jumping the bandwagon.
i don't really know what i want to happen with this. some of the people there only follow me to up their follower count (which i think is extremely stupid and extremely hateful ugh), and while i do genuinely like all of them, i don't really care about their tweets. was that bitchy? because i am just pouring all my frustrations right now. god.
really helpful suggestions are very welcome. for you gals who like to keep fandom and rl issues separate, how do you do it?
❝i have watched the movie twice, i am stalking the third avengerkink meme, i am reading the fanfiction, i am watching the interviews, i totally read the iron man/captain america ship manifesto--and i am not contented. i just want to make grabby hands at everything. and then there's that point where i am actually torn between two ships. well, with my history of serial shipping (i made that up) it's bound to happen lol.
statr and i once talked about how Tony Stark/Pepper Potts was our ship--well in the movie anyway. and it's true. i love them. i find rdj and gwyneth to have so much amazing chemistry and i loved how they weren't overwhelming, but their relationship is solid during the films asjdks ever since the first movie, their relationship was slowly being built up, and i was really frustrated by the second one--like why aren't they married yet ugh. but i can wait. the flirty exchanges will keep me alive. i can honestly go on and on about them. but i won't.
and then there's Tony Stark/Steve Rogers. unf. omg. i think silentchord and i were conversing about iron man once upon a time. and then the conversation was suddenly steered to captain america and iron man. so i was all, ooh what is it with them? so the awesome alice linked me to an actual real list of all the ship's canon moments in the comic books. and oh my god you guys. i have never seen any slash ship that wasn't this canon (well you know, in a non-gay setting). and then there was the movie. OH MY GOD THE MOVIE. i die a little inside every time the two of them bicker or fight or argue or insult or team up--just. being in a frame together sends my ovaries to a happy, happy place.
so now i have rdj/gwyneth interviews from the iron man 1 era open, and on the other side, a motherload of steve/tony fiction on the other. i think i'll keep both ships, for now /greedy ♡
❝
i just finished watching the EIGHT x EIGHTER concert--officially. the third disc was too large for my internet to handle, and it took me quite some time to finish downloading the DVD. but anyway, there it is. i always get these warm and fuzzy feelings when it comes to kanjani 8. i mean, not like it's limited to them only, but they have that certain camaraderie that gets across even when they're inflicting physical pain on each other. and also. i have just thought about something. has ohkura's voice always been this melodic? lol. i was listening to him talk and i'm going "oh god talk forever i will listen to you" sdkjbasd
i honestly don't know what is up with me and my weird fangirl crush on tacchon right now. it's not like he's whoring himself to me or anything. i just... am. i love that boy so much. also i have hurt feelings that the only interaction my otp had on the dvd was this three second laugh exchange where ryo mutters something and tacchon smiles so widely and ryo grins and laura is dead.
in summary: kansai-ben is sexy you guys.
also, been going through their 10000 word interviews slowly. done with ohkura's, maru's and subaru's. reading each one just makes me fall in love with them all over again.
❝
not saying i hate it. not saying i'm all over it either (but then again, it's arashi. i only need to listen to it a few more times and i will love the song). the whole cool image isn't really my favorite of theirs. i'm more in love with the dorky group who dances on rainbows. but anyway, the song is good. reminds me of korean pop, with the whole autotune the chorus thing--which, is generally okay but i'm not a big fan of. i do like their faces, so i guess it's forgivable.
also. jun's new hair is cute ♡
--
god i think i have met my word count quota for the entire month. i don't know what is it with 2 AM but my mind is going nonstop right now. i have so much more to say, but i don't think people will actually read this thing entirely so i'll just keep them to myself lol. if you do read this entirely, it means you are awesome. and that you probably love me. in which case i love you back ♡
lastly, i love my tags.
and super lastly, will be doing a major defriending thing both here and probably in twitter. if we don't talk or something, i'll probably cut you. if you want to stay friends, leave me a comment :)